shakala Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 (edited) Dating a girl for a few months, said she was in love with me. Then she said she can't say it anymore until I meet her family and she sees how we mesh. She is a few years younger. Things seem to be going well, we never fought, she always wondered if we would, because arguments and fighting is good, we both knew what we wanted. Lately family has been a burden for her, she is financially responsible for other siblings and their kids. Started acting REAL strange, to the point that regardless of that she said that there are other things she is dealing with right now, it is effecting us. She is having issues at work and now she says she doesn't know who she is anymore because she had plans and goals and now that is ruined. I don't know if I should wait around. She said she needed a few days over this mothers day weekend to spend time with close family, figure out what she has to do, career wise, and family financial responsibility wise. Typically when I read stuff like this on here, there is something else going on...another guy? I want to not believe that. But she really shuts herself out and doesn't want to talk to anyone do anything these last few days. To me its a few red flags. I'm the person to talk, to help and understand things. I said what if we were dating for 2 years, and u had issues, would u shut me out and run away ? She said yes, that is how she deals with things. She does't expect me to wait around (she wants me to but said she knows she cant have that of me if i do not want to) but at the same time if she comes back a few days later everything all figured out, she won't know if she could trust me because I wasn't there for her. I asked if she wanted space ? She said no. She just needs time, a few days to figure things out. Talk about confusing. She is a great girl, I was very happy with her, but with all this, it has been taking a toll on us, me. Do you think I should wait around? I'm not interested in anyone else. I think when I told her let's take a break until you figure it out, she thinks it's me wanting to date others. At the same time my best friend thinks I need to run away from her. Even despite this, I know she has a few issues, but I've always been the very picky type, and thought I'd overlook the other issues, but of course here we are now Edited May 5, 2011 by shakala
Professor X Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 She sounds like she's in pain; She's hurting. You are not interested in anyone else, so it's simple: You be there for her; She wants space but wants you there, that means she doesn't want you to help her figure her issues, but just to be there so she'll have this safe net to fall on to. So be there, try and distract her from her problems, make her happy in whatever ways and wait. Can't promise everything will be peachy again, but that's the vibes I'm getting.
Survivor12 Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 My first instinct is to say give her a few days and see where things are then. On the other hand, this does seem like a big red flag to me: "I'm the person to talk, to help and understand things. I said what if we were dating for 2 years, and u had issues, would u shut me out and run away ? She said yes, that is how she deals with things." The fact that being shut out and not being able to help is something that goes against what you are comfortable with, I would say that being in a relationship with someone who deals with problems in that way wouldn't be the wisest choice. It's not about being right or wrong, it's about compatibility. Sure, over time, one or the other of you could change, but I have found that relying on such a possibility usually ends up in disappointment.
Author shakala Posted May 5, 2011 Author Posted May 5, 2011 I agree. It is very difficult for me since I AM the one that will try to be there for someone. Yeah flag wise, def can see it being an issue. Heck it's one now, and the problem doesn't even involve us. It's the fact that the outside issue is effecting us which makes it difficult.
Author shakala Posted May 5, 2011 Author Posted May 5, 2011 She sounds like she's in pain; She's hurting. You are not interested in anyone else, so it's simple: You be there for her; She wants space but wants you there, that means she doesn't want you to help her figure her issues, but just to be there so she'll have this safe net to fall on to. So be there, try and distract her from her problems, make her happy in whatever ways and wait. Can't promise everything will be peachy again, but that's the vibes I'm getting. I think you are right. I need to man up and be there for her instead of being a dick. I guess I just have this odd feeling it could be something else also, because she's 'letting me go' without even attempting anything with me. I guess that is what I am afraid of. You know, how people say a girl will make sure they are good with another guy before the let go of the other.
vsmini Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Don't ignore red flags. You don't have to leave her over them right now but don't bury what you're feeling. Can I ask how old she is?
Author shakala Posted May 5, 2011 Author Posted May 5, 2011 Don't ignore red flags. You don't have to leave her over them right now but don't bury what you're feeling. Can I ask how old she is? but i've already seen one red flag become a reality. she is 26
Professor X Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 I think you are right. I need to man up and be there for her instead of being a dick. I guess I just have this odd feeling it could be something else also, because she's 'letting me go' without even attempting anything with me. I guess that is what I am afraid of. You know, how people say a girl will make sure they are good with another guy before the let go of the other. My point is, given the points you've shown here, I'd advice that you don't make any rash decisions; It is possible that there's another man if you insist in thinking so, but there's an equal possibility that it's not about another man. Fact is, different people coop differently with crisis; Some got better crisis management, some got worse; Some share their crisis, some shut down. I know that, depending on the nature of the crisis, I can shut down completely or share it with my SO. All depends.
vsmini Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 but i've already seen one red flag become a reality. she is 26 26. Tough age as some women can be very mature at this age or very immature. Or mature about somethings but complete dopes in other areas. I'm a 28 year old female with a few lessons learned under my belt and if I were in the same situation I would leave. Only because it seems like it could be a potentially manipulative situation. You're very confused and can't get clarification because she shuts down. She may be emotionally unavailable in general or just at this time because she's swarmed with family issues. It's a difficult situation because you don't want to seem like you're abandoning her. Perhaps let her go - give her space (real space, like a month) and let her work out all of this. This way you can be sure in your head what she wants when/if she comes back to you.
Author shakala Posted May 5, 2011 Author Posted May 5, 2011 My point is, given the points you've shown here, I'd advice that you don't make any rash decisions; It is possible that there's another man if you insist in thinking so, but there's an equal possibility that it's not about another man. Fact is, different people coop differently with crisis; Some got better crisis management, some got worse; Some share their crisis, some shut down. I know that, depending on the nature of the crisis, I can shut down completely or share it with my SO. All depends. I see. There are certain things that give me that weird feeling about someone else, or maybe no longer interested but slowly letting go and wanting me around to help ease that pain of any. Mainly because she couldn't give the time of day to jsut talk. I'm just not used to a person who shuts down like that. Nor do I know if I can deal with that long term.
Author shakala Posted May 5, 2011 Author Posted May 5, 2011 26. Tough age as some women can be very mature at this age or very immature. Or mature about somethings but complete dopes in other areas. I'm a 28 year old female with a few lessons learned under my belt and if I were in the same situation I would leave. Only because it seems like it could be a potentially manipulative situation. You're very confused and can't get clarification because she shuts down. She may be emotionally unavailable in general or just at this time because she's swarmed with family issues. It's a difficult situation because you don't want to seem like you're abandoning her. Perhaps let her go - give her space (real space, like a month) and let her work out all of this. This way you can be sure in your head what she wants when/if she comes back to you. I think the way we left it off she thinks I'm going to do my own thing. Should I attempt to contact her and let her know I will be there, but if I don't hear anything in a week then I need to do my own thing?
vsmini Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 You need to be calling the shots here. You can't call her and ask her what you should do. She has enough on her plate and cannot speak for you. Only you can do that. If you decide that you're going to call for a break for a month then be firm about it. Having you flip-flop on the issue is only going ot add to her confusion too. You gotta make a choice and stick to it. I personally think a break is the best bet with no contact. No contact is not mean and it is not abandonment. It is a way to get both of your heads clear. You might want to explain that to her as well. If you decide to stay by her side - by all means - do that.....just make sure you commit to what side you pick and give it a real shot.
Author shakala Posted May 7, 2011 Author Posted May 7, 2011 Well she's been avoiding me all week. She would small talk text but hanging out or talking she would find an excuse not to. found out that she called an old fling she was seeing for a year.BUT, the fling was someone she looked up to in the past at work (he is no longer there) and she needed career advise. She said it was hard to talk to him after so long. The day this happened was the day I noticed she has been highly distant. Stopped saying I love you too. Her texts show no emotion and are barely showing and flirting towards me. She tried to assure me it was only for career advise but I can't believe that. Why would you be distant with me. She said she was distant with me, friends except her family and friends back home. She gets mad when I tell her we should break up or I would like to drop off her things. She will be back Sun mon or tues and said we can talk, but I already have her things ready to go. This is ridiculous and I dont know if I want to deal with it. I can see her flakey on coming over to talk too and finding and excuse not to come. When I asked her last night to do something she said she wants to be alone. then she tells me she is going outto the bar for a drink,and I know it was more because she started texting me more and more details about things when I asked her about stuff.
vsmini Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 Doesn't sound like this girl is going to quit with the dramatic antics. Of course she gets angry when you say you want to break up but then she goes out for drinks? She is hardly making this relationship her priority - I can see that she can't make it a priority over family right now - but drinks. You don't really seem behind your choice. You sound confused and worried about this drama queen. Man up and give her, her stuff. What is talking going to do but drag it out into more drama? Sounds like a total nightmare and a nuisance. Cut her off - for your own good and hers. It will be tough but it will be tougher to deal with all her crap.
Author shakala Posted May 7, 2011 Author Posted May 7, 2011 I want to cut her off. I told her I'd bring her stuff to work and meet her out at her car, drop it in, done. No. She gives me an excuse and says that she isn't working then of course she tells me she is. Ok fine we won't do that at work. Then I will hope she comes like she said to talk, when really I have her stuff to give. Seriously I keep seeing more drama coming up. I think thats how she is. She was already out for drinks, she said with a fam member. She already told me this relationship is not a priority now, she just has to figure out this weekend when she goes home what she needs to do family wise, career wise. Which this I understand.
vsmini Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 You gotta get tough. Either mail her her things or text her saying "I'm leaving your stuff at your door on tuesday at this time. I hope someone is home to collect it. Don't let stuff be an excuse to start getting together to talk. Text her right now.
vsmini Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 I understand she needs the weekend to figure her stuff out - but tell her you need the rest of the month to figure stuff out. She might get mad but if she's entitled to calling breaks - so are you. This isn't a game but I think you could use the break and figure out if all of this is really what you want to deal with. How old is she?
Author shakala Posted May 7, 2011 Author Posted May 7, 2011 I understand she needs the weekend to figure her stuff out - but tell her you need the rest of the month to figure stuff out. She might get mad but if she's entitled to calling breaks - so are you. This isn't a game but I think you could use the break and figure out if all of this is really what you want to deal with. How old is she? 26. I don't know if this is waht I want, it's far from it. Things were awesome at first few months, then **** hit the wall.
vsmini Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 Look - I know what it feels like to have those first few months be awesome. That's how it works. They either continue to be great/awesome/lovely or they go downhill. Many people get very caught up in trying to get those first few months back and get that feeling back. Often if it drops off so soon it won't be coming back. Madea says it best: "Some folks come into your life for a season to teach you one or two things and some for a lifetime and it's a damn fool that doesn't know the difference." She also goes onto mention that a lot of people make the mistake of marrying the seasonal people because they ignored the red flags and didn't bail out when they should have and are then stuck. And if someone wants to walk out of your life....let them go! And I'm sorry - you did tell me her age before - i forgot. You need to date other people and see what is out there (a lot is out there).
vsmini Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 I'm a 29 year old woman. Ex drama queen and a guy I really liked dumped me as he should have. I was devastated, angry, hurt, all the emotions but then I learned something huge. This guy called my bluff on my drama - where all the other guys fell for it and enabled my drama. If it wasn't for the guy that dumped me I might have never had my wakeup call. I'm thankful for him. Maybe you can be her wakeup call...and the seasonal guy that came into her life to teach her that one thing.
Author shakala Posted May 7, 2011 Author Posted May 7, 2011 I like that quote. I definitely learn ALOT from the girls I meet and date. The problem is I become pickier and pickier. I agree red flags should definitely be looked at and not ignored, thinking things will get better. I sent her a message since she never called me back and instead texted me that the conv is going no where. I told her we will talk in person on Tues, figure your stuff out first, and i need space and time just as u do. of course her replies are angry have a nice life blah blah blah lol
sugarmomma Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 She's probably going to find a reason to not show on Tues. Let go of the idea that you need to speak with her and accept the fact that she gets a kick out of jerking you around. You seem to keep hoping that things will go back to the way they were when she seemed more normal. They won't. This is the real her. Accept her for who she is or leave her alone because she won't change. Her character appears flawed and she seems like a dishonest person and nothing good can come from that. Let it go.
Author shakala Posted May 7, 2011 Author Posted May 7, 2011 She's probably going to find a reason to not show on Tues. Let go of the idea that you need to speak with her and accept the fact that she gets a kick out of jerking you around. You seem to keep hoping that things will go back to the way they were when she seemed more normal. They won't. This is the real her. Accept her for who she is or leave her alone because she won't change. Her character appears flawed and she seems like a dishonest person and nothing good can come from that. Let it go. I let go of her. I accept that. This drama is too much. I just have to get her belongings to her. I can't drop it off at her house because I never visited her, haha.
vsmini Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 Ahhhh yes - the classic have a nice life line. If she was having serious issues with family, with herself and with career she would be truly focused on that. I would have my phone off and way too worried, truly worried, about my serious struggles. She also wouldn't be snappy and immature. Drop her stuff off on Tuesday. Who knows the load of venom she may spit at you. Be strong and walk away. If she gives you the sh*t storm I gave my ex a few years back....well....I don't envy you but maybe one day she will be thanking you as I thank my ex for showing me the light. So to speak.
Author shakala Posted May 7, 2011 Author Posted May 7, 2011 Ahhhh yes - the classic have a nice life line. If she was having serious issues with family, with herself and with career she would be truly focused on that. I would have my phone off and way too worried, truly worried, about my serious struggles. She also wouldn't be snappy and immature. Drop her stuff off on Tuesday. Who knows the load of venom she may spit at you. Be strong and walk away. If she gives you the sh*t storm I gave my ex a few years back....well....I don't envy you but maybe one day she will be thanking you as I thank my ex for showing me the light. So to speak. Yeah I hear you. She must be struggling, but some times the actions don't meet what she says. That's why it is confusing. Hopefully I can get her stuff to her, I don't want to hang on to it, it's expensive stuff.
Recommended Posts