sunshinegirl Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 My husband has a lot of guy friends, and since I've known him has been one to set aside time & trips to spend with them. It's usually weekends, though he's gone on 2 week-long rafting trips across the country with his buddies since I've known him. We got to talking this morning about whether the fact that he's planned 3 guy's weekends this summer (over four months) is fair/reasonable. He brought it up because I had forgotten about one of the weekends and when he reminded me, I got a bit upset. In trying to identify why I was upset, I think it came down to envy that I don't have any similar weekends set aside with my girlfriends. It seems virtually impossible to plan one girl's weekend (let alone three) since many of my closest friends have either moved out of town and/or are primary caretakers of young children. I also don't have a history of planning fun trips like his -- my girlfriends used to all live close by and we all had much more free time, so I socialized by spending evenings or weekend days with them. That's simply not the reality anymore, and I see my friends way less often overall than he sees his friends. It also seemed like these weekends got put on our calendar more with an "I'm informing you I'm going camping/rafting with the guys" rather than asking/discussing with me whether it made sense or was reasonable. I don't think he intended that, but I do think that in his mind, if we weren't otherwise booked for a given weekend, he saw no reason to say no to the fun. All that being said, I'm happy that he has good guy friends and I don't want him to NOT go on these trips since they are already on the calendar... I wouldn't ask him to cancel them. My lack of similar opportunities with my girlfriends is not his fault, and I told him as much. I added, though, that if/when we have kids I would probably think it's unreasonable to plan so many trips in such a short time period. In that case, would it be fair for me to insist that for every guy weekend he gets to take, I get a weekend "off" (at least of childcare) as well?
Arabella Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 I don't think it's unreasonable to spend 3 weekends with his friends in four months. Think about it, that's 3 weekends out of 16. However, I do think that he should have discussed it with you prior to making the arrangements.
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 5, 2011 Author Posted May 5, 2011 Thanks for your reply! Would it sound unreasonable if we had kids? I guess some part of me is a bit worried that once we're parents, he will want to continue to have the same number and length of guy's weekends that he has now, particularly if I am the primary caretaker early on and don't get equal amounts of time "off" myself. I have very few benchmarks to go on, so I am curious to hear how other couples balance out issues like this.
Green Light Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Sunshinegirl, I think your main motivator here is envy. I can totally relate because I moved many miles to be with my wife and I haven't been able to make any friends in this new area so besides her I am pretty much alone. She goes to work and talks to all kinds of people and they joke around and stuff. Plus her whole family is here so she has all kinds of people in her life. Its not her fault but I do get resentful sometimes. It's human nature. I don't think your husband's weekends are unreasonable but they probably will be once you have children especially if you can't have some weekends off yourself.
martini-mae Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 I think it's not totally unreasonable to be able to spend time with your friends...HOWEVER, I do think that once you're married these types of little vacations he gets to take with his friends should be discussed. He shouldn't just automaticlly assume that you're ok with it. What if you have made plans for the two of you to do something & it just happens to fall on one of these weekends? Is his opinion tuff I'm goin anyway? Once children are in the mix. I say - Not as many guys vacations. Unless he's willing for you to be able to have the same liberties. You should be able to spend a weekend or two in the summer away with your friends as well. My daughter's husband is/was kind of like this early on. Now that there is a child in the mix his hunting & fishing weekends have been drastically shortened. She gets her every now & then weekends with her friends. But with a child, everyone must GIVE!!! The mom should not be the one that suffers thru that many weekends in a summer while dad gets to still have all his fun times with the guys.
Els Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 I added, though, that if/when we have kids I would probably think it's unreasonable to plan so many trips in such a short time period. In that case, would it be fair for me to insist that for every guy weekend he gets to take, I get a weekend "off" (at least of childcare) as well? Sounds perfectly fair, yep. For the time being, you don't have kids though, so you should probably stop extrapolating into the future and let him enjoy it. Does he meet those friends much outside those weekends? I personally wouldn't be against 3 weekends in 4 months if he rarely meets them, but if he was already seeing them a couple nights a week in addition to that I don't think I'd be happy.
djhall Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 When both my best friends (1M & 1F) lived a two hour drive north of here, I would drive up one weekend a month to stay with M and his family and also visit with F. After M moved out of state I pretty much quit doing that since F is female you can see how THAT might cause a few "issues" in a relationship.
Zapbasket Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 I added, though, that if/when we have kids I would probably think it's unreasonable to plan so many trips in such a short time period. In that case, would it be fair for me to insist that for every guy weekend he gets to take, I get a weekend "off" (at least of childcare) as well? That is absolutely fair. But maybe you should state it differently to yourself (and to him). Instead of making it out to be a tit-for-tat kind of arrangement, try affirming to yourself that part of what you need to keep your balance within yourself, as a wife and as a mom is some quality time for yourself--whether scheduling some "no-kids" evenings with your local girlfriends or weekend or little non-extravagant (or extravagant, if need be ) getaways with your far-away friends (it will be good for them, too). I think when one is a very nurturing, giving person as you are, it's hard to feel like you can "step away" AND still be "caring" and "giving." But kids or no kids, stepping away is a wonderful, healthy, NECESSARY thing to do...as evidently your H. has already embraced . Maybe it's time to plan a climbing weekend for the near future? If your usual climbing buddies are unavailable, maybe there's some new people you could hook up with in your local climbing community? I also agree with other posters that he should have consulted with you first on the dates. Not that he needs to ask permission, of course...but consulting with you first would have been the more considerate approach.
Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 I think it's okay, right now, seeing as you don't have children yet.... so long as you're feeling physically well (how ARE you, btw??). If you're not 100%, he should be staying home more often, me thinks. Thanks for your reply! Would it sound unreasonable if we had kids? I think it would.
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 Thanks for all the replies! I appreciated the feedback and, after reflecting on everything a bit, decided that his guy weekends are nothing to concern myself about right now. We have a summer packed with fun things ahead of us, most of which we'll be doing together, and I was kind of borrowing trouble by projecting this forward into a life with kids. Speaking of kids, H and I just got back today from 10 days in Belize (amazing 2nd honeymoon!) where we kicked off our official campaign to try to get pregnant! We both felt a little funny about it, in that we've spent our whole adult lives trying to prevent pregnancy...now we're actively encouraging it! Star, thanks for asking about my health. I am doing really well. I had surgery in early April (had an implant placed) and I've recovered well from that. In fact, today marked my return to my exercise routine: after we got home from the airport, I went for my first run since September. And although I ran only a mile, and slowly at that, it felt really good to strap the shoes and Garmin on and get outside again. So, in short, all is good in Mr. and Mrs. Sunshinegirl land.
Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 That's all such great news, SSG!! It fills my heart with such a mushy feeling...
Lauriebell82 Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 Thanks for your reply! Would it sound unreasonable if we had kids? I guess some part of me is a bit worried that once we're parents, he will want to continue to have the same number and length of guy's weekends that he has now, particularly if I am the primary caretaker early on and don't get equal amounts of time "off" myself. I have very few benchmarks to go on, so I am curious to hear how other couples balance out issues like this. Yeah, join the club. My husband is also a bit "guy crazy." He spends a lot of time with his friends, especially since we have just moved closer to his hometown, where most of his high school friends are. Needless to say the "guy nights" have increased drastically. I on the other hand, have zero friends so I feel similar to you, that I don't really have that either, maybe like a jealously thing. As for kids, we are planning to have a baby in the next year, so we are going to have to work out something in regards to "guy nights." I have no clue what will happen then. He's not real big on me trying to censor his guy time! Sorry I don't have more helpful advice, just that I can understand what you are going through and it is very difficult. ((Hugs))
Els Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 As for kids, we are planning to have a baby in the next year, so we are going to have to work out something in regards to "guy nights." I have no clue what will happen then. He's not real big on me trying to censor his guy time! LB, I think you should talk to your H about this when you talk about your plans for the baby... in other words, before actually having one. It will only cause stress in your relationship if you both go into parenthood with drastically different expectations of how the childcare will be divided.
Recommended Posts