sfl Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year now, living together for 6 months of that. For the most part it's great, although we both have our flaws and disagreements probably just like any other couple. The main problem is that we're inherently quite different; I'm happy to live a nice comfortable life, doing the usual things with the occasional day out, weekend away and then a nice holiday once a year - she's the exact opposite. She is obsessed with travelling despite not having any money, which is another issue in itself - she is incredibly intelligent (academically) yet has no desire to put any of it to good use and instead works ridiculously hard (comes home every night exhausted) in a minimum wage job, she's a massive under-achiever and she acknowledges it, but has seemingly no desire to do anything about it. So, is there any hope for a couple like us? Me, the complacent over-achiever, and her, the massively under-achieving dreamer? I thought we could balance each other out a little... but it doesn't seem to have worked like that. She also left uni in London to live with me (completely her choice btw, I didn't even encourage it) and brings this up every time we have a disagreement. I'm worried the travelling thing is going to start coming up more and more often too. (she's currently staying at her parents btw, and she told me if I want her back I'm going to have to work for it... but should I?) Thanks
TaraMaiden Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Only if you think she's right, and you should change. Unfortunately, you will have to tell her the same thing. if she wants you back, she's going to have to admit her flaws, and also step up to the plate and work for it. Trouble is, do you want to work that hard? And who wants to work the hardest?
Author sfl Posted May 5, 2011 Author Posted May 5, 2011 Many thanks for the reply - the problem is it's hard for me to change you know? I've spent a lot on a house (more than double most of my friends have spent) which is a huge commitment, I also have a job which I love, not to mention the fact we just got a couple of cats together which spent 6 months in a cat home and deserve to be treated better than being ditched again. I need to talk to her about it like you suggested but she's quite, um.... sensitive? I don't know, agh! She's going to a gig tonight with her sister, I'm going to send a single text saying hope she has a good night, and leave it. I called her last night and she was off with me... will be interesting to see if she has any fight left either I guess.
TaraMaiden Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Do not - REPEAT - Do NOT send her anything. She has left, because this relationship was too much like hard work, and rather than put any effort into it, it was easier to move out, move away - and she's moving on. By putting the responsibility to work for it on your shoulders, she is absolving herself of any responsibility to make any effort or move to maintain and sustain the relationship. Quit, and move on. The thing to do, is to go complete NC. Total. (see the Caliguy No Contact Guide in my signature). The only reason you talk to her is to tie up any practical and loose ends concerning property, goods, chattels, rent, bills, expenses - cats - whatever. Keep it business-like and impersonal. Stay cool, calm and keep it together. Do not discuss anything to do with your relationship. If she's bailed, then it means she's communicating form a safe place, and a safe distance. So if she wants to discuss getting back together, or trying again, or reconciling, she should agree to do it F2F. Not over the 'phone, via e-mails or texts. And she will bait you and try to throw you breadcrumbs. You will know she is serious about working with you on this, if she says: "I'm so sorry for everything I have put you through. I now appreciate how foolish I have been, and realise that I am so in love with you that I am begging you to give me another chance. I will do whatever it takes to repair the damage, mend this, and get you to trust me. Please, can we try again?" This is the only thing you should reply to. otherwise, if I were you, I would consider this a love lost, and good cause to move on, grow and live life again.
Author sfl Posted May 5, 2011 Author Posted May 5, 2011 Thank you for your reply, I think I was a little misleading with my reply though, she's only staying with her parents because of the gig tonight, and she had family visiting last night that she wanted to see and can't drive - it wasn't an "It's over, I'm leaving." thing, although I'll admit we certainly didn't leave in good circumstances. If I do get something like that from her, her leaving for good and stating her intentions as such then yes I shall just leave her be, so thanks for the advice.
TaraMaiden Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Oh wait just a darned minute..... ..... (she's currently staying at her parents btw, and she told me if I want her back I'm going to have to work for it... but should I?) I think I was a little misleading with my reply though, she's only staying with her parents because of the gig tonight, and she had family visiting last night that she wanted to see and can't drive - it wasn't an "It's over, I'm leaving." thing.... I'm sorry, I don't want to seem confrontational here, but are you yanking my chain?? 'Misleading' doesn't cover it! "She told me if I want her back".... (implying that she has left and is now living with her parents, which is totally what you intended to put over!) -You need to get your head straight dude, because I'll be honest with you, it sounds as if you're weaving a huge issue out of something trivial, because you're bored by yourself and want something to do..... If I do get something like that from her, her leaving for good and stating her intentions as such then yes I shall just leave her be, so thanks for the advice. ...But as you haven't, and it now sounds as if actually, that's not her intention at all, the whole phekkin' thread is somewhat academic..... talk about making a drama out of a hiccough....!
Author sfl Posted May 5, 2011 Author Posted May 5, 2011 (edited) Sorry, but no, I wasn't very clear there... she's said she doesn't want to be with me any more after I got a bit snappy with her recently (I made a very poor financial judgement that I'm trying to sort now, so got a bit down I guess) and she said she doesn't feel like I care about her any more. I get the 'Id be more than happy to give up travelling for you, but I feel like you don't care about me any more' - she said a LOT of hurtful things the last time I saw her too, and I haven't spoke to her now for 2 days... that's after living together for 6 months, seeing each other pretty much every day. Edited May 5, 2011 by sfl
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