Cupiddd86 Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Hey Everyone, So about 1,5 month ago my long distance girlfriend broke up with me while I was there. She told me she couldn't handle our fights anymore (didn't have many) and that this distance wasn't working out for her. I told her I understood and she wanted to remain friends, which I actually did. This friends thing went on for a week or 2 until I realised I couldn't handle this. I told her that this isn't working out for me and I need to gather my thoughts if this would have any chance of working so I went into non-contact. 1 week after I started non-contact she suddenly started talking to me about something insignificant. This small talk led into something much bigger and apparently she wanted me back. I decided to give this a try. So here we are 1.5 month after the break up, back together. What I don't understand however is how she can be so different.. She's not reacting at all like the girl I was in love with and on top of that she's kind of cold and distant. Example: "Goodmorning baby!" her reply: "Morning" while this is just a minor examples it just feels like there is no affection from her side on anything I say or do.. or hardly any while there used to be a lot. I've had some fights mostly from her side taking things wrongly. In the beginning I might've been a bit distant because frankly.. I didn't trust her, she broke up with me and broke my heart. But after talking about it quite some times I've actually been really affectionate at times, and just laughing and joking around with her. Being how I normally am with her. But I'm wondering this girl wanted me back told me she was miserable without me, now she got me back and she acts like this? It's like i'm hitting a wall when I try to get affectionate with her. Any thoughts anyone?
TaraMaiden Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Really? Thoughts? It's over. Honestly, it's glaringly obvious. This is complacency and just muddling along. It's settling, and taking it all for granted as just a bunch of 'ho-hum'. End it, and be done with it. Effort on one side doesn't make up the shortfall or the complete lack of it, from the other. Quit now, while you're behind.
Author Cupiddd86 Posted May 5, 2011 Author Posted May 5, 2011 (edited) Hi Tara thanks for your reply. Upon reading your reply I felt the need to explain my message a bit further because it seems I haven't been clear at all :S So just to clarify; Since comming back together there have been affectionate moments from her side. In the beginning I was cold to her and "different" in my way of reacting because I was affraid to be hurt by her again. We have been having some silly fights and they were on her taking something I said wrongly and not believing me how it was meant. (resulting in her apologizing) In my uncertainty and stupidity I have asked her a couple of times if she wanted to break up; even telling her it might be better for her. She has told me and reassured me every time that she doesn't want to and if she didn't want to be back with me she wouldn't have asked me in the first place. So we have been through it and she doesn't want to break up. She's not cold or distant; she's just not affectionate at the moment. Maybe it's my own thought process and things I want from her now. She actively seeks me out for talking and wanting to call me almost every night. Should I just wait for her to warm up again? Actually it feels like it's my fault she turned this way since I was different to her in the beginning while she was warm and telling me she loves me. Edited May 5, 2011 by Cupiddd86
TaraMaiden Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 You guys are going to have to work on your communication skills then. You need to refine your approach to each other. Something isn't working, and you're going to have to find ways to make it work.... Instead of asking questions such as "do you..." "would you...." "Could you....", you're going to have to make statements, such as "When you do this, I feel like....". You outline their action, but take responsibility for how you interpret it, and how it makes you feel. Effective communication isn't just about telling things, it's about getting through.
Author Cupiddd86 Posted May 5, 2011 Author Posted May 5, 2011 Thanks Tara! It sounds simple but tbh I don't think it will be for either of us. We aren't easy on communicating our feelings and when I do it I usually come across hostile even if i'm not. This has led to some fights and I think it's also the cause of the current predicament. I will follow your advice and use "when you do this I feel like..." it sounds much better then my usual start as in I don't like that you... since it sounds more like an accusation. On the affection part though, do you think I should just wait and sit it out? I mean I've gone through our talks and she was actually affectionate until we fought these times. Does she just need reassurance that things will be oke?
TaraMaiden Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 "Simple" isn't "easy". Maybe you two should look at counselling and find ways to make communication more effective and productive. If you guys intend to stay with this for the long haul, you owe it to yourselves to give this engine a complete overhaul, and a mileage service. if you don't keep it maintained and well-oiled, you might as well consign it to the scrapheap now.....
betterdeal Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Have you asked her what's wrong or what can you do to improve things?
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