VicJay79 Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Eve, Your comment hits very close to home. Curious with your current hubby and your prior ex's what was the difference. In both cases they were very attentive and emotionally available. Please don't answer this with a 'gut' feeling! In the beginnings of my relationship with my now Hubby we were constantly in touch and it did not feel weird or intrusive. With a former partner, who turned out to be an arse.. there was always something a bit off within his communications. I thought he was just being attentive at first but really it was not about me and my welfare. I found this out a bit later.. No, it was all about him and his insecurity. You have to go with your gut feelings, OP. Take care, Eve x
VicJay79 Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Eve, Did we date before?! I might be one of your ex-bf's. Kidding actually, but you really hit perhaps my prior mindset on its head. 1. In relationships I never look at the process, I look at the destination. In this case marriage, engagement, and etc. I think its just that 'finalization' and the re-assurance of knowing they won't leave. I think i have a fear of abandonment. I am trying to figure this out. 2. Similiar to your prior ex-bf's, I at one point idolized a friend that pretty much lied to women to get what he wanted. It worked out well, he had a happy ending (beautiful wife), had a great time. I felt like I was doing none of these things, and I ended up in a worse off position. I read your other thead too. Yeah, seems like a very similar scenario to what I experienced with my ex. He had been dumped by some girl called 'Angela' and it basically hurt his ego. From then on he was always looking for the end of relationships rather than just chill out and enjoy time spent. Also his friends were idiots who played around on their girlfriends (all of which seemed to have nothing better to do than wait around on those losers) Due to him respecting these other men, he tried to have the same lifestyle with me. Of course I had far better things to do. It is a shame that your bf has to ruin what could be something lovely.. but it does sound like he is damaged goods. Some people think this is attractive methinks. Like you curing him of this by doing what he says will prove your love.. or some **** like that. Nah, I would just be a friend to him and keep your options open. Take care, Eve x
Author Miss M Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 I think you're a really sweet guy, and I'm afraid you might take what I am about to say the wrong way, but please hear me out. I'd like you to stop texting and calling me so often. Once or twice a day is fine, but I am uncomfortable with more than that. We have a good thing between us, and I hope that we can communicate difficult things like this, honestly, openly and positively. I talked to him.. actually, he was the one to bring it up. We were having a conversation about something else, and before we hung up he asked "you don't mind that I text you, do you" and I said "no I don't, but I think that it's just a little too much." I'm not sure how he thought I was going to answer that question, but anyway he agreed that he wasn't going to text as often. I get the feeling, like he knows he has a hard time deciding for himself what is normal and is trusting me to tell him what is.
Silivren Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 I just want to caution you to trust your gut in this situation. I've been through a couple of really bad relationships (for my self esteem) and I realized afterward that there were always telltale signs in the beginning that I chose to ignore. "He seems a little possessive and controlling.. but that's just because he really cares about me! I'm being paranoid" Please keep in mind that in the early stages of dating we are always on our "best behavior". You don't REALLY get to see the real person inside until you're at least a year into the relationship. I've met some really good "actors" that have turned out not to be as nice as they portrayed themselves. Anyways, give your guy a chance, but please keep your eyes open and be aware. This behavior of his seems more obsessive than is healthy. Now, I know when you first start dating someone you text all the time - but you are feeling uncomfortable and this is telling you something. Trust your instincts. It will pay off in the long run!
Eve Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Eve, Your comment hits very close to home. Curious with your current hubby and your prior ex's what was the difference. In both cases they were very attentive and emotionally available. Please don't answer this with a 'gut' feeling! I read somewhere that the same cells present in your gut are present in the brain.. so trusting ones gut feeling is a literal thing. H'mmm.. I reckon the subconscious mind sees the whole picture. Anyhow, main differences between the two. Ex - . Negative focus on routine. Only interested in getting from point x to point y. Nothing much in between. . Paranoia . Accusations . Over willingness to try to get me to do things for him. . Emotionally locked on a focus of his own making. Hubby . Positive focus on the future. . Interest in sustaining interests together and away from each other. . Ability to live true to core beliefs. . Unafraid to be moody and shake things up but has clear gender values. . Emotionally available. Take care, Eve x
Eve Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Eve, Did we date before?! I might be one of your ex-bf's. Kidding actually, but you really hit perhaps my prior mindset on its head. 1. In relationships I never look at the process, I look at the destination. In this case marriage, engagement, and etc. I think its just that 'finalization' and the re-assurance of knowing they won't leave. I think i have a fear of abandonment. I am trying to figure this out. 2. Similiar to your prior ex-bf's, I at one point idolized a friend that pretty much lied to women to get what he wanted. It worked out well, he had a happy ending (beautiful wife), had a great time. I felt like I was doing none of these things, and I ended up in a worse off position. Lol, I hope you are in a better place now. I wanted the ex to just be himself and he was able to do this to a point, then he filled in what he could not do with ideals from his friendships. I didn't like any of his friends and this should have been warning enough but I was young and foolish. I would say that he has an active fear of abandonment to this day. The roots clearly stem from his controlling Mum. Basically he played up somewhat as a teen and she never let go of keeping him under control. He wanted someone to bring home to Mummy and basically be like a Mum figure. As I did not fit into this ideal, it did not work. So glad I didn't marry him. I would have had to give up too much for him. It's like that saying, 'I'll die for you'.. P'ssshhhh, **** that! How about, 'I'll live for you' That's the vibration I live on. Anyhow, it was not as dramatic as it sounds because I had my own place and was very happy with my world. He was like a visitor not a partner and by my early twenties I decided I wanted more... so moved on. I should have cut him off early but don't have any regrets looking back. It was a valid experience. He however is still the same. Take care, Eve x
Eve Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 I talked to him.. actually, he was the one to bring it up. We were having a conversation about something else, and before we hung up he asked "you don't mind that I text you, do you" and I said "no I don't, but I think that it's just a little too much." I'm not sure how he thought I was going to answer that question, but anyway he agreed that he wasn't going to text as often. I get the feeling, like he knows he has a hard time deciding for himself what is normal and is trusting me to tell him what is. Sorry I have responded quite a bit here and didn't mean to hijack your thread. I am glad that he raised the subject. Maybe you will both move on from this? In my opinion, what matters is that you never cover that gut feeling in order to please someone and continue please to take note of ANYONE who insinuates or tries to get you to do this. My Hubby relies on me a lot for emotional stuff. We have developed this over time through good communication. I hope that your bf does not have baggage heavy enough to prevent what I see as an essentially naturally occurring process of a healthy mind. Glad you have been able to talk. I hope things work out for the both of you, whether it is that you stay together or not. All the best, Take care, Eve x
Author Miss M Posted May 12, 2011 Author Posted May 12, 2011 Sorry I have responded quite a bit here and didn't mean to hijack your thread. I am glad that he raised the subject. Maybe you will both move on from this? In my opinion, what matters is that you never cover that gut feeling in order to please someone and continue please to take note of ANYONE who insinuates or tries to get you to do this. My Hubby relies on me a lot for emotional stuff. We have developed this over time through good communication. I hope that your bf does not have baggage heavy enough to prevent what I see as an essentially naturally occurring process of a healthy mind. Glad you have been able to talk. I hope things work out for the both of you, whether it is that you stay together or not. All the best, Take care, Eve x Hello, Yes, he did stop the texting, but I know there is still something wrong. Someone mentioned Codependent, a term I had never heard of before, and I feel this is what he may be. I'm way too independent for this type of personality and his ways have already caused me to lose interest in him. I do feel badly for him because he does seem to have a troubled mind and he's such a sweet person.
Author Miss M Posted May 12, 2011 Author Posted May 12, 2011 I just want to caution you to trust your gut in this situation. I've been through a couple of really bad relationships (for my self esteem) and I realized afterward that there were always telltale signs in the beginning that I chose to ignore. "He seems a little possessive and controlling.. but that's just because he really cares about me! I'm being paranoid" Please keep in mind that in the early stages of dating we are always on our "best behavior". You don't REALLY get to see the real person inside until you're at least a year into the relationship. I've met some really good "actors" that have turned out not to be as nice as they portrayed themselves. Anyways, give your guy a chance, but please keep your eyes open and be aware. This behavior of his seems more obsessive than is healthy. Now, I know when you first start dating someone you text all the time - but you are feeling uncomfortable and this is telling you something. Trust your instincts. It will pay off in the long run! yeah, I can't be with someone that's possesive and controlling, I'm way too independent for that,and I know it is not normal. I guess I already knew what I needed to do. It helped being on here and talking about it and getting comfirmation from people who think the same as I do, Thanks!!!
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