dsd85 Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 (edited) i am torn! i feel horrible! i know i'm doing something horrible that i will regret, but i just don't know how to chose between these two guys. i never thought i would be the one who is cheating. especially on two people, who are both my "boyfriends" one of them i've been with for almost 6 years. our relationship has not been smooth sailing and we've had many problems, including two break ups and him cheating on me twice. when we got back together last summer i thought i wanted to work things out with him, which i did, but there was someone i was getting to know again (an old friend who had come back into my life) i continued building a relationship with my old friend while working on getting back together with my bf. things started going well on both ends, and i didn't know who i wanted to be with. now both of them have been my boyfriend for about 8 months. i really feel awful. both of them do not deserve this. i'm really confused. i seriously need some kind of guidance. i don't want to keep doing this. Edited May 5, 2011 by dsd85
Bryanp Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 If you want to end this then tell the both of them and see which one wants to stay with you. They will find out eventually anyway.
Author dsd85 Posted May 5, 2011 Author Posted May 5, 2011 infidelity is something i KNOW boy number 2 (the old friend i reconnected with) will not forgive. i wish i could do that, but if i do i would be losing them both. thank you though
Professor X Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 I'm not sure what kind of guidance you are looking for. It's obvious you don't love either; If you did love #1 you wouldn't cheat on him with #2 and if you loved #2 you wouldn't commit infidelity with him considering it something he WON'T forgive (your words). Since in your reply you've stated you don't want to lose them, than the only logical conclusion is that you seek help in how to continue deceiving them. And for that kind of advice I think you've came to the wrong place. And congrats for staying with #1 despite the fact he cheated on you twice; You appear to be an extremely insecure person and I advice you to seek counseling to rebuild your backbone.
OldOnTheInside Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 You sound like you want both. Do you? I've said this before and I'll say it again, if you not ready or unwilling to get into a serious, monogamous(!) LTR then don't get into one. Don't string two human beings around like toys. Simple.
Memphis Raines Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 i'm really confused. i seriously need some kind of guidance. i don't want to keep doing this. break up with both of them. they deserve better than this break up and stay away from having a "boyfriend" until you are mature enough to handle it.
stace79 Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 I'm with Memphis. The situation YOU have created here is unhealthy for all three parties involved. I think you need to be alone for awhile to mature before you get into any long term relationship. And, if either of those guys wanted to stay with you after you have been "monogamous" with both for EIGHT MONTHS, they are dumb anyway!
Author dsd85 Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 well i can see how all of your thoughts make sense and would be the right thing to say. i really do agree with you. but, in my defense (even thought i know i don't deserve a defense) i was in a LTR MONOGAMOUS (!!!) relationship with one of these guys for 5 YEARS. I have fought really hard to keep the relationship strong. I'm just really attached to him, even though i know he might not be the right person for me, letting him go just feels wrong. And with guy number 2 (my old friend) He's everything I ever wanted. I know it's selfish but I'm scared to let him go because I might regret it. I know this is wrong, and maybe this is the wrong place to be asking for advice.
Author dsd85 Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 this is why i put "never thought i would be the bad guy" i really was a great girlfriend, never cheated, hated people that did, and never understood how someone could deceive someone they care about. really did, now i hate myself for letting this go on for so long.
Professor X Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 our relationship has not been smooth sailing and we've had many problems, including two break ups and him cheating on me twice. hated people that did, and never understood how someone could deceive someone they care about. really did, now i hate myself for letting this go on for so long. Just pointing it out; Sounds like you're pretending to be someone you are not. A person is defined by what he does, not what he thinks. At any rate, how are you going to go about it? You need to tell them both good-bye and sort yourself IMO.
Author dsd85 Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 ok, i guess i'm just a deceitful horrible person, who doesn't know what she wants in life and deserves to be alone with the rest of the scum bags. thank you
Efuego93 Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 nonono ur not a horrible person... u just are making a big mistake.... everyone makes big mistakes at least once or twice in there lives... just let them both go ok? seriously talk to bpth of them aboput this... itll be ok! love always has a way of working out! WORK UP THE COURAGE!!! you can do it!
Professor X Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 ok, i guess i'm just a deceitful horrible person, who doesn't know what she wants in life and deserves to be alone with the rest of the scum bags. thank you You need to dictate the changes you want to see; So far you've just being flowing with the events, inflicting pain both to you and to the ones you claim you love in the process. You must realize that no-one is going to help you but yourself; If you think some angel from the sky will drop down and save you, than you're wrong. If you think that crying about it will fix it, than you're wrong again. You must wake up and be in charge! Your first move is to tell them both good-bye - it's hard, it's painful, but what you're doing now is harder and much more painful, and it'll get worse as more time passes by. Others can only show you the door, you must be the one to walk through it.
Memphis Raines Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 ok, i guess i'm just a deceitful horrible person, who doesn't know what she wants in life and deserves to be alone with the rest of the scum bags. thank you you are flippant and didn't listen. you deserve to be alone NOW, until you mature and can handle a committed relationship. your defensiveness indicate why you are currently being selfish. you simply aren't mature enough for a relationship at this point.
Author dsd85 Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 i appreciate the feedback. and yes, i probably am too immature to handle this right now. but the damage is done, and now i'm in this situation, just trying to look out for myself for once and make the right decision; something i always have a hard time with. just thought maybe someone on here would be able to help me chose, as stupid as that may sound. just needed some help with that, because i sure don't know what to do.
Author dsd85 Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 and it's true when they say you never know until you're in that situation. people shouldn't judge others until they've been in the same shoes. it is possible to love two people. thanks
SoulStorm Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 and it's true when they say you never know until you're in that situation. people shouldn't judge others until they've been in the same shoes. it is possible to love two people. thanks No you cannot love two people. Not in the form of having them both as a companion. It is evident by your indecision and self-loathing. You know it is wrong to do so. you are betraying them both, worst of all you are putting yourself in the position of villian. What you have is a lapse in judgment. You have made the selfish decision of having two men to satisfy your needs. Nothing good will come of this. You think you feel bad now..wait til one of them finds out.
LittleMaya Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 Choose yourself. Love yourself. Learn to provide for your own needs and happiness. Tend to yourself and your relationship with yourself so that you don't have to feel reliant on multiple men. This probably sounds like strange hippie talk, but I'm not sure how to convey what I've learned this past week without sounding like one. Does leaving the first one feel wrong, or does it actually just feel scary? Has focusing on them for so long, returning to them even after they cheated on you but even then not returning to them wholeheartedly, caused you to believe that them being around is important for you to live happily and content?
lookin2wardthefuture Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 It is wrong, but I kind of understand your situation. Guy #1 once a cheater always a cheater (not necessarily true for women but usually) he will do it again. go with guy #2, he sounds like the real deal. Guy #1 may be a habit, but if he were really that into you, he wouldn't have cheated and after 6 years would have proposed. Good luck!!!
imagine Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 First honesty with both. Make a choice. We do this at our wedding. We commit to the person we marry and not any better choices that come later on. What is your worst concern? Can you face it? Will you devalue yourself by continuing to follow the deceitful path. Hey! maybe they both have spare girlfriends?
Author dsd85 Posted May 7, 2011 Author Posted May 7, 2011 all these things are true. with guy #1 i feel an obligation to him because i've been with him for so long. for the last 5 to 6 yrs i have pictured my life with him, having kids, and starting a family. these are all the things that with guy #2 are foreign to me. i also feel guilty leaving guy #1, because of the bond we are suppose to have, after everything he's done, we still found a way to move on and be happy, if i leave him, i hope he would be ok. i don't think he would ever expect that. to him, i'm the girl who will always be there, and he doesn't have many people in his life who love him. with guy #2, everything is so much easier though, things are really nice with him, and i know i wouldn't have to worry about him cheating on me or anything like that. but i really do love guy #1, but i think i would be lying to myself if i said i would be happy with him forever. sometimes, i hope he will mess up again, so i can leave him for good this time, but at the same time, when i picture him with someone else, i feel regret and get an urge to want to make things work with him. i'm really messed up...
jnj express Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 You don't really love #1, or you wouldn't have cheated on him---he is the nice guy---who always gets kicked in the butt by the girl, cuz she goes for the bad boy type #2---more than likely is just hot--passion, and infatuation---and he is a jerk, cuz he knows you are in a relationship, yet he is having sex with you knowing he is wrecking this other guys life You will never respect #1---so you don't wanna end up with him---cuz you will just cheat on him again #2, is not someone you would settle down with in any way shape or form Best for you---drop both, and just date others, till you figure out what you really do want Just write this whole thing off as a learning experience
Author dsd85 Posted May 8, 2011 Author Posted May 8, 2011 Thanks for the msg. But I don't know if you read the thread. Guy number 2 does not know about guy number 1. Both of them don't know. Guy number 1 is not the nicer guy either. And has cheated on me twice. Guy number 2 is not the bad boy type. I actually get the feeling he wants to marry me. My dilema is having to say goodbye to number 1. Not wanting to make the wrong choice.
Professor X Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Thanks for the msg. But I don't know if you read the thread. Guy number 2 does not know about guy number 1. Both of them don't know. Guy number 1 is not the nicer guy either. And has cheated on me twice. Guy number 2 is not the bad boy type. I actually get the feeling he wants to marry me. My dilema is having to say goodbye to number 1. Not wanting to make the wrong choice. The wrong choice is to stay with guy number 1, because you've both cheated on one another; Your RS is far from healthy. Also, note that at some point in your future you WILL tell guy #2 that you were cheating with him on guy #1. If you think you can live like that all your life, than you're wrong.
RRM Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Thanks for the msg. But I don't know if you read the thread. Guy number 2 does not know about guy number 1. Both of them don't know. Guy number 1 is not the nicer guy either. And has cheated on me twice. Guy number 2 is not the bad boy type. I actually get the feeling he wants to marry me. My dilema is having to say goodbye to number 1. Not wanting to make the wrong choice. It's pretty clear to me that you need to drop guy #1. Perhaps, you could write a pros and cons list or something along those lines. You and I both know just because you feel like you should do something doesn't mean that you should actually do it. You may feel like you need to be with guy #1 and I think that's normal after 5 or 6 years. However, he cheated on you and you aren't as into him as you used to be and who knows if he'd cheat on you again. So, why waste your time with him? If your best friend came and told you that this was happening to him or her what would you tell her to do? I hope I've helped. I definitely feel for you. Also, note that at some point in your future you WILL tell guy #2 that you were cheating with him on guy #1. If you think you can live like that all your life, than you're wrong. Actually we don't know that she will ever tell guy #2. It's not a certainty, although, it's probably likely because she sounds like a decent person and I have a feeling the guilt would bother her if things were to progress with guy #2.
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