SincereOnlineGuy Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 She cheated a little...what do you think? I don't want to leave her but I need to hear what people think. Reminds me of the old line: "I'll put it in just a little..." The reality of your situation is that your girlfriend subconsciously wants you to break up with her. Usually, in this situation, it would be the right move that she should have fessed-up to you very soon after the incident (because there seems reasonable chance that you might first find out through other avenues). The fact that she waited all this time, and then just blurted it out, is a clear sign that she is jonesing for you to initiate what she doesn't have the strength to initiate. Instead of breaking up with you, she's coyly giving you ammunition with which to initiate the break-up yourself. At any rate, the long-term prognosis isn't good.
RRM Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 What do you and others who approve of screwing everything that moves, while claiming to have an exclusive relationship, have to gain on a thread like this? I never claimed to be in an exclusive relationship, so I'm not sure where you got that from. It so happens that am in one, however. What I have to gain from it is a broader understanding of relationships and people. What other people do in their own relationships isn't for me to judge as long as it is a relationship between consensual adults of legal age. So does laying in bed with random folks every other week because they want to see their "partner" get screwed by someone else. Perhaps you should look up the definition of self-righteous because what wrote in response to I wrote makes little sense if you know what self-righteous actually means. So someone is close-minded because they don't approve of cuckoldry. The one problem with folks being "open-minded" is that they're so willing to blindly try out anything that interests their eyes, regardless of how health risking it is. But hey at the end of the day, we just have different views. And you know open-minded people are blind based on what evidence? The OP never mentioned what precautions he takes during sex acts and even if he doesn't take any, one person is not representative of any group. Can you just move on and keep your opinion and I'll keep mine?
John Michael Kane Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 I never claimed to be in an exclusive relationship, so I'm not sure where you got that from. It so happens that am in one, however. As if that somehow matters to me. What I have to gain from it is a broader understanding of relationships and people. You do gain a bigger understanding of people, actually. But it's nothing positive. What other people do in their own relationships isn't for me to judge as long as it is a relationship between consensual adults of legal age. Ya claim the "we shouldn't judge" speech all ya want but we judge each other everyday. Perhaps you should look up the definition of self-righteous because what wrote in response to I wrote makes little sense if you know what self-righteous actually means. And I think you should look up the definition of self-righteous and how it relates to the definition of "open relationships." And you know open-minded people are blind based on what evidence? Based on your posts and many other people like you. The OP never mentioned what precautions he takes during sex acts and even if he doesn't take any, one person is not representative of any group. He knew what he was getting into. Now hopefully he'll heal, learn his lesson and stick with a person who actually loves him. Can you just move on and keep your opinion and I'll keep mine? You're the one who created this by asking why are those who disapprove of open relationships posting on this thread. So I answered your question.
RRM Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 As if that somehow matters to me. I'm not sure why you brought my relationship into this in the first place. And I think you should look up the definition of self-righteous and how it relates to the definition of "open relationships." Great response. Exactly what does who I have sex with have to with judging other people's sexual relationships? If I decide to be in an open relationship with someone and then someone decides to have sex with me we are all making a conscious choice. I'm not trying to claim some sort of moral superiority over other people if I were to be in an open relationship. Based on your posts and many other people like you. Oh okay. Now I understand where you are coming from. Thanks for the eloquent and reasoned response. You're the one who created this by asking why are those who disapprove of open relationships posting on this thread. So I answered your question. I only did that because I think people who judge others don't bring much to the table in terms of advice, except to say get out of the situation, regardless of whether or not that is a good thing or not. Although I am willing to admit that in this case, yes, I think he should get out of this relationship. As far as advice goes, I think SincereOnlineGuy may be right on the money. She may be using this as a tactic to break up with you, Sparkey317.
John Michael Kane Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 I'm not sure why you brought my relationship into this in the first place. You did that yourself, not me. Great response. Exactly what does who I have sex with have to with judging other people's sexual relationships?Because it is based on your frivolous view of relationships. If I decide to be in an open relationship with someone and then someone decides to have sex with me we are all making a conscious choice. True, but not necessarily a good choice. I'm not trying to claim some sort of moral superiority over other people if I were to be in an open relationship.Then why question others who don't approve of cuckoldry? Oh okay. Now I understand where you are coming from. Thanks for the eloquent and reasoned response. You're welcome. I only did that because I think people who judge others don't bring much to the table in terms of advice, except to say get out of the situation, regardless of whether or not that is a good thing or not.Opinions equal judging, smart man. All humans judge each other every day, whether we admit it or not. Although I am willing to admit that in this case, yes, I think he should get out of this relationship.Okay...
RRM Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 You did that yourself, not me. No, I didn't. Show me where I did this. Because it is based on your frivolous view of relationships. Self-righteous again. Then why question others who don't approve of cuckoldry? I'll answer this again for you since you don't seem to understand what I'm writing. I question others who don't approve of "cuckoldry" (which is in and of itself a judgmental word) because you already know this person is in an open relationship, but the issue in the thread wasn't whether or not the person should be in an open relationship, but rather how to deal with cheating that took place. If you want to take an overly simplistic view of things based on your own biases and prejudice, then really you're wasting the OP's time. Opinions equal judging, smart man. All humans judge each other every day, whether we admit it or not. While everyone judges people every day, not all of the judgments people make have the moral aspect to them that your self-righteousness does. Here is the difference between judging and having an opinion. http://www.answerbag.com/q_view/166807 I hope that clears things up for you. Anyway, clearly we won't agree. Shall we move on?
Memphis Raines Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 samsungxoxo, I'm not sure how you can say there is no cheating. The OP mentioned the boundaries of the relationship in his first post. thats because, IMO, "boundaries" or "rules" when having sex with other people outside the relationship are pure bulls**t. "We have a open relationship as long as we both are there and both approve of the other people" approve of the other people. hmm, kind of sounds like a way of making sure someone doesn't trade up to me. either you let someone else screw someone else, or you don't. whats to approve? only reason to approve is to keep from getting jealous as far as I can see.
purplepanda Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Dude. it's an open relationship. You made that choice. If you love her, then don't do what you did. If you're only in it because you get ass too, then why are you upset????
PratyekaYana Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Open relationships, despite what seems to be the most prevalent assessment in this thread, do not automatically constitute cheating. If the established boundaries within a relationship of that sort include sexual relations with other partners/couples, then it is impossible to accuse any parties involved of being unfaithful on those grounds alone. Thus, those of you who are so willing to disregard the OP's grievances because of the open arrangement that exists between the OP and his significant other are flawed in your reasoning. She is not a cheater because she has sex with other men; as I've already mentioned, this is permitted within that relationship. She is a cheater for violating other boundaries put into place. When she decided to engage in oral sex with the other man, she did not necessarily assume the role of a cheater. Only when she willfully entered into a pact of secrecy with the other couple to keep this information from her own partner did she, I imagine, crossover into that territory. OP, you have every right to be offended by her actions. I imagine that uninhibited communication is crucial for the successful maintenance of an open relationship, and I further suspect that this is one of the ground rules of your bond with this woman. She violated that rule. Treat it like the breach of trust that it is. Where you go from there is entirely up to you.
John Michael Kane Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 No, I didn't. Show me where I did this. Look at your posts. Self-righteous again. Thanks for describing yourself. I'll answer this again for you since you don't seem to understand what I'm writing. It's not a question of whether I understand you, but more so you trying to "drill" your foolish ideas in my head. I question others who don't approve of "cuckoldry" (which is in and of itself a judgmental word) because you already know this person is in an open relationship, but the issue in the thread wasn't whether or not the person should be in an open relationship, but rather how to deal with cheating that took place. Nope. If you want to take an overly simplistic view of things based on your own biases and prejudice, then really you're wasting the OP's time. We all have a past that influences our view of the world and how it flows. If you can't handle a different opinion than yours, then you're really wasting everyone's time. While everyone judges people every day, not all of the judgments people make have the moral aspect to them that your self-righteousness does. You talk about self-righteousness as if it's a bad thing. Here is the difference between judging and having an opinion. http://www.answerbag.com/q_view/166807 There is no difference. It's all the same so your links are irrelevant. I hope that clears things up for you. I'm not the one that needs clearing up. Anyway, clearly we won't agree. Shall we move on? You're the one.
RRM Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Open relationships, despite what seems to be the most prevalent assessment in this thread, do not automatically constitute cheating. If the established boundaries within a relationship of that sort include sexual relations with other partners/couples, then it is impossible to accuse any parties involved of being unfaithful on those grounds alone. Thus, those of you who are so willing to disregard the OP's grievances because of the open arrangement that exists between the OP and his significant other are flawed in your reasoning. She is not a cheater because she has sex with other men; as I've already mentioned, this is permitted within that relationship. She is a cheater for violating other boundaries put into place. When she decided to engage in oral sex with the other man, she did not necessarily assume the role of a cheater. Only when she willfully entered into a pact of secrecy with the other couple to keep this information from her own partner did she, I imagine, crossover into that territory. OP, you have every right to be offended by her actions. I imagine that uninhibited communication is crucial for the successful maintenance of an open relationship, and I further suspect that this is one of the ground rules of your bond with this woman. She violated that rule. Treat it like the breach of trust that it is. Where you go from there is entirely up to you. Extremely well said and great advice for the OP!
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