jeweleestar Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Somehow in the past week I feel like my thoughts have shifted. I have read other people's stories here, different informational sites about relationships, and used the brain that I know I have. I have done a lot of reflection and I know that I can walk away from this. No one is telling me I have to be miserable! I get disgusted as I read how many of us are in this situation and the many negative emotions, thoughts, etc. that we have to deal with every day. I get frustrated to think that so many of us are striped down to nothing and are unable to use the information that we have gained in other relationships or other areas of our life in this situation. Am I healed? Not yet. Will I be? Of course, I have made it through worse. Are there still moments that I wish it was different? Sure, but there are less of them than before. So, I think for me it helped to have an incident that caused me to get mad, rather than just wonder what the heck was going on. I can only hope that I never hear from him again. If I do, I need to think back to how hard I have had to work the past several weeks and know that I don't want feel this way again.
Gentlegirl Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 You are doing so very well. I wouldn't say you are over the worst, but you have survived the shell shock period. I have been 5 months NC and my brain seems to have had a shift in the last 3 or 4 days. I have gone from the occasional dying and anger to feeling very neutral about XMM a lot of the time. I still think about him as I know what his plans are for almost the next 12 months. chances are I know where he is sitting and what he is doing this very moment. YOu will find your recovery is not linear. It iwll be all over the place. At least mine still is. It is the same as grieving fo a loved one wh has died in a lot of ways. Just pray to whatever god you have that he never contact you again. If you have access to pm feel free to contact me. Gentlegir.
Author jeweleestar Posted May 7, 2011 Author Posted May 7, 2011 You are doing so very well. I wouldn't say you are over the worst, but you have survived the shell shock period. I have been 5 months NC and my brain seems to have had a shift in the last 3 or 4 days. I have gone from the occasional dying and anger to feeling very neutral about XMM a lot of the time. I still think about him as I know what his plans are for almost the next 12 months. chances are I know where he is sitting and what he is doing this very moment. YOu will find your recovery is not linear. It iwll be all over the place. At least mine still is. It is the same as grieving fo a loved one wh has died in a lot of ways. Just pray to whatever god you have that he never contact you again. If you have access to pm feel free to contact me. Gentlegir. Thanks Gentle. I know there will be rough days, but I also like knowing that I feel like I have a little more control in my life. I have been all over the place and hopefully will see less of those days and more days where I want to go out and live my life to the fullest. I catch myself thinking about the situation, sometimes wishing that it would have been positive, but knowing that if it was meant to be I wouldn't feel so much unhappiness and despair. Thanks for your support. I have never really used a forum before but I am finding it very helpful
fooled once Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Somehow in the past week I feel like my thoughts have shifted. I have read other people's stories here, different informational sites about relationships, and used the brain that I know I have. I have done a lot of reflection and I know that I can walk away from this. No one is telling me I have to be miserable! I get disgusted as I read how many of us are in this situation and the many negative emotions, thoughts, etc. that we have to deal with every day. I get frustrated to think that so many of us are striped down to nothing and are unable to use the information that we have gained in other relationships or other areas of our life in this situation. Am I healed? Not yet. Will I be? Of course, I have made it through worse. Are there still moments that I wish it was different? Sure, but there are less of them than before. So, I think for me it helped to have an incident that caused me to get mad, rather than just wonder what the heck was going on. I can only hope that I never hear from him again. If I do, I need to think back to how hard I have had to work the past several weeks and know that I don't want feel this way again. I hope you do walk away and you do realize YOU do deserve way better than being someone's side secret lover. Forward, not backward. You are doing good!! Keep it up!
wheelwright Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Somehow in the past week I feel like my thoughts have shifted. I have read other people's stories here, different informational sites about relationships, and used the brain that I know I have. I have done a lot of reflection and I know that I can walk away from this. No one is telling me I have to be miserable! I get disgusted as I read how many of us are in this situation and the many negative emotions, thoughts, etc. that we have to deal with every day. I get frustrated to think that so many of us are striped down to nothing and are unable to use the information that we have gained in other relationships or other areas of our life in this situation. Am I healed? Not yet. Will I be? Of course, I have made it through worse. Are there still moments that I wish it was different? Sure, but there are less of them than before. So, I think for me it helped to have an incident that caused me to get mad, rather than just wonder what the heck was going on. I can only hope that I never hear from him again. If I do, I need to think back to how hard I have had to work the past several weeks and know that I don't want feel this way again. I think it is right to need to protect yourself. I never like to see people take that too far. I have dabbled in both over the years. I arrive at a place where I believe in love, and it has become more unconditional. Which also means I do not 'need' as much. It is OK to love and that person is not in a space to make you whole or be a lifetime partner. It is OK to feel how you feel. It is liberating to feel how you feel and not need in return.
Flabbergaster Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Good for you, Jewel! Sounds like you've made an important shift! The next part, actually letting go, is somewhat more difficult than realizing you should let go. Give it time, keep moving forward. Don't be discouraged if you have some bad days, after this. Ask around...even months into LC/NC some of us still have bad days where the longing comes back. The good news is...usually the bouts of longing are shorter, with time. Not only that, you start to have good days Yeah...LS is great for those of us who thought we were the only ones who felt this way. It...helps deprogram the brainwashing we submitted ourselves to. Gentle...ambivalence? Wow that must feel...peaceful
Author jeweleestar Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 It is the actual process of "letting go" that I am trying to get through now. I know that I don't want to step backwards, and aware that it could easily occur. At least I am aware and can be a little more vigilant about it. I am trying to enjoy this time of "no relationship" to figure out where I have gone wrong in the past and how I can make it better and I keep having all those well-meaning people tell me I need to do online dating, I need to get out more, etc. I just smile and say thanks for the info and know that I need this time for me. Today is one of those days where all of this is easier said than done, but I also know that as I build up more days on my NC list I feel like I am doing something for me. It sucks, but I also know deep down that it really didn't have to do much with me as a person as it did xMM not being honest and wanting more out of his life than what he already had. I feel that longing of wanting the "good" part, but I know with that "good" came a hell of a lot of bad and I don't want that again. Thanks for your words of encouragement and support. Knowing that I can come here and get honest and supporting words is keeping me going in the right direction.
Seeker Sam Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 I arrive at a place where I believe in love, and it has become more unconditional. Which also means I do not 'need' as much. It is OK to love and that person is not in a space to make you whole or be a lifetime partner. It is OK to feel how you feel. Yes please, this!! I want to feel like this. At times with my x-MM I have that - I'm glad that I loved enormously, even if he couldn't give me himself in return. And I hope to find it again in someone that can.
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