scotch Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Me and my girlfriend of two years broke up with me recently. We met during our time in university and we were really close, and had these amazing times together. But I don't know what changed or why she suddenly decided to break up with me. In the beginning we just had each other and it seemed like nothing could get in our way. She would always be there for me and support me through thick and thin, we would be doing things together and just enjoy life to the fullest. But I guess as time passed by I could slowly feel her drifting away from me. All the while I tried to do stuff like text her more and just try to hang out with her more so we could maybe fix what was happening. But even then somehow that didn’t work out and it really seemed that I was putting more into the relationship than I got back for it. I really cared about her and there was nothing that would change those feelings I had for her. She broke up with me over the phone after she said she'd been thinking about it for a while so I called her out to meet and I guess just try to tell her how I really felt because if I didn’t I know I would regret it. I guess I kind of hoped that when I put all of that out there, she might have a change of heart and decide to take me back. Because I hadn't hurt her or anything so I was pretty crushed when I was willing to try to give us both a fresh start and try to work out whatever problems we had but she didn’t give me a chance. In the end she said she just wanted to be friends and said that it wasn’t your fault and it was her problem. Please give me some advice on what I should do. I’ll be seeing her for one last time before school starts. We decided to take a class together before our breakup so I’ll still be seeing her twice a week for the next couple of months. I guess what I’m asking is what I should be doing in this situation if I really want to get her back. I really can’t see her as a friend because I know that every time I see her I won’t be able to hold her hand, or tell her how I love her, or tell her how I really feel, it'll be too hard to bear and it’ll just feel like I’m lying to myself. I read on these forums that usually no contact is the best solution, but should I tell her that I don’t want contact with her or just do it straight up? And what do I do about the class? Won’t it be pretty impossible to do no contact if I see her twice a week? I really hope someone would just help me out because I really care about her and I know that we both still have feelings for each other and we are so much more than just friends Thx for your time
SDA Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Sorry about your situation man, this is what kind of happened to me. Drifting away and what not. I want to help you from making the same mistakes I did to ensure that you won't feel any worse than you do now and prevent yourself from pushing her further away from you. She wants to friends and you want more...aka don't attempt to be friends it will hurt you. If she gets pissed that you don't wanna be friends...it's not your problem she can't have half of you. She wanted a break up so give it to her and disappear for awhile and you'll see her in class so sit away from her and try your hardest to pretend she isn't there. If she comes up to you be polite and say something like "i need to concentrate" or something. Trust me the best thing for you is give her space you are not ready to talk to her and she doesn't want to hear your feelings, they don't matter to her right now. You know you regretted spilling your heart out so don't do it again because it won't change her mind and nothing will. You need time apart right now to analyze the relationship think about what went wrong and after a month or so you can decide still weather you want her back. Space and time are the two things that help the most in a breakup and it won't be easy but it will make you stronger and make you feel better this I can promise you. Post here when you need advice or to vent and if she texts you. Think before you say anything. Nothing you say will get her back this is not hollywood. It has to be all from her. Good luck and feel better.
Author scotch Posted May 5, 2011 Author Posted May 5, 2011 (edited) Sorry about your situation man, this is what kind of happened to me. Drifting away and what not. I want to help you from making the same mistakes I did to ensure that you won't feel any worse than you do now and prevent yourself from pushing her further away from you. She wants to friends and you want more...aka don't attempt to be friends it will hurt you. If she gets pissed that you don't wanna be friends...it's not your problem she can't have half of you. She wanted a break up so give it to her and disappear for awhile and you'll see her in class so sit away from her and try your hardest to pretend she isn't there. If she comes up to you be polite and say something like "i need to concentrate" or something. Trust me the best thing for you is give her space you are not ready to talk to her and she doesn't want to hear your feelings, they don't matter to her right now. You know you regretted spilling your heart out so don't do it again because it won't change her mind and nothing will. You need time apart right now to analyze the relationship think about what went wrong and after a month or so you can decide still weather you want her back. Space and time are the two things that help the most in a breakup and it won't be easy but it will make you stronger and make you feel better this I can promise you. Post here when you need advice or to vent and if she texts you. Think before you say anything. Nothing you say will get her back this is not hollywood. It has to be all from her. Good luck and feel better. so basically ur telling me that i dont even need to tell her that i dont want to be her friend rite now and whatnot and should just cut off contact? cuz i kind of implied that i would wait for her during our talk. we already have a meeting before school starts and i was thinking of telling her i want to cut off contact and not be friends so i'm not sure what i should do. cuz i want her to get the message that i cant be friends and its like either all or nothing. Edited May 5, 2011 by scotch
SDA Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Then the next time you talk to her you have to tell her straight up: "I don't want you as a friend I want you as my girlfriend...talk to me if you want to work things out if not i need my space" That is polite and gets the message across. And then when you are 100% ready you can make contact.
Author scotch Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 Ok my meetin with her is tmr and i was wondering if Anybody got another suggestion abt doing this? Like maybe not telling her ur going into no contact and jus doing it after he meeting? Like from ur experience what works better? Telling her ur doing it? Or jus doing it without telling her abt it? My goal rite now is to get her back as my gf again.
miss jennifer Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 scotch, you can't get her back as your girlfriend overnight. it's going to take time and patience, especially since she was the one that left you. no amount of begging or pleading will do the trick.. trust me! i've been the begger and it's horrible to do that. don't do it to yourself. don't tell her you're going into no contact. go there, hear her out, and figure out how you want to respond to it. just don't look needy and desperate. that will make her want to keep far away from you. i suggest you go there, take the fact that she dumped you graciously, then begin NC. i think it's perfectly OK to tell her that you will miss her, you love her.. but after that meeting, let it be. if she wants time away from you, give it to her.. let her miss you and at that point it will be up to her if she wants to go back to you or not. i find that my exes always come back to me, even if they are the ones that dump me.. most do... it may take her a couple months, or longer, but it's not impossible. just give yourself time to heal first and then if it seems right, you can start things with her again.. clean slate.
Author scotch Posted May 7, 2011 Author Posted May 7, 2011 (edited) well i jus had the meeting with her and it wasnt what i was expecting. i was kinda hoping to tell her like either frds or nothing, but some frds were there also and they just chatted. i didnt even get a chance to tell her about it. she wasnt very cold towards me either, but like everytime she talked to me or jus looked at me, i could see she her eyes were red and like on the verge of crying out. I'v seen her cry before and it was exactly how it looked like when i was looking at her. It was like we were both trying to act like everything was fine, but it just didnt seem right. In the end this left me even more confused. I guess your rite jennifer about just doing no contact, i guess i just wanted her to know, but i guess i have no reason to call her to tell her that im doing it now and should just do it. P.S. i guess what i got back from tonite was the fact that if she can feel like crying everytime she talks to me and is around me, why did she even call the breakup? what was the real reason? Either way its left me more confused. and i guess i should stop thinking about her and just do no contact for my own good. Edited May 7, 2011 by scotch
pd8mxq Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 i do feel for you. Just give her some time like Miss Jen said. I am in a situation very similar to you. My relationship was 8 years and my ex left me saying he thinks he can never hang out like lovers again even though i want a fresh start. So its 5 months now since the relationship ended. At least, Miss Jen advices that her exes always come back. A few months or sometimes longer. I think all you can do is to focus on yrself and if she wants to start again, im sure she will let u know.
SDA Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Just remember that you are not Jenn and her situations are different then yours. It is normal to have hope but don't hang onto it. Go NC and see what happens but you must focus on yourself and change at least or else if you do get back together it will fail. I wish you luck and all I want is for you to be OK. Take time away from her I promise you'll start feeling better.
CaliGuy Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Ugh. You guys need to read my "Second chance" thread. Seriously. It's called a "break up" because it's broken -- and YOU can do nothing to fix it. Ever.
Author scotch Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 ok guys i'v read your posts from above and i guess all you guys are telling me to just go NC and see how it goes. Well i'v thought about that these couple days and i want to remind you guys that i mentioned that we go to school together and have the same class together. In fact school starts tomorrow for me. In addition to that i forgot to mention that our class ends at the same time so we go home the same time. Which means we take the same bus home. I was wondering how do i go about NC when in that situation. Like, lets be realistic here. Lets say she comes up to me in the class and asks me: can i sit here? I cant just like put my bag on the chair and say: "no this seats taken right? It doesnt make sense and it'd be like im acting like a kid. Another scenario is like i go into class and i see her in a seat already and she sees me. What do i do? jus sit down in another seat or sit beside her? What happens if i see her eating lunch by herself? With her frds? Do i join them? pretend i dont see them? What happens if she asks me to go eat lunch with her? Do i decline? do i accepT? and for the bus part, how should i respond there? do i sit beside her in the bus? do i talk to her during the busride? like what should i be doing? Basically what im trying to get at here is: (this is from caliguy's no contact guide) Q. What should I be doing to implement NC? A. Absolutely cutting all ties to your ex. That means no calls, emails, text/sms, IM's - nothing. You need to vanish completely from their life and in the process, make them disappear from yours. In addition, get rid of their phone number, emails and email address, remove all the pictures/photos/memories/gifts. Anything that reminds you of the ex should be boxed up and put in a safe place out of daily view and easy reach. ^the main problem for me doing this is, i will be seeing her twice a week at least and im pretty sure these situations will arise frequently. So how do i in a sense "vanish completely" if i am going to physically be there. Because i thought another reason for NC was for your ex to miss you because she doesnt have contact with you for a long time so she eventually misses you and decides to come back to you. In my case, how does one implement no contact? i really need some help for this. i dont wanna screw up any chance i have of getting her back no matter how small it may be. Sorry for the long post guys
doubtfulwonder Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 I think if she is already seated (whether it's in class, bus, lunch, so on), just sit somewhere else. You aren't obligated to sit by her or her friends just because you see them. Just keep doing your own thing. If she really does ask if a seat is taken next to you, you can still be polite. If she sits next to you, don't go out of your way to talk to her or focus on her. Also if she asks to do lunch together, politely decline. You can say you have something to do if like, or simply say no thanks. Do you have your own set of friends? Can you hang out or eat with them instead? I guess same goes with class or bus if possible. Besides, it seems your last meet up was very awkward and as you said, left you more confused. I don't think joining them would make it any better. I know NC seems a little tougher in this circumstance, but do what you can. You need to put up boundaries.
Author scotch Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 thx for the output doubtfulwonder well tomorrows the day im gonna be seeing her in class for the first time since that last meeting. and just now she messaged me on msn asking me "how was my first day of school." i decided to ignore it. i was wondering why did she suddenly message me. is it just a friendly gesture to see how im doing or like is it her way of gauging whether i want to talk to her again. so she knows whether to try to approach me tomorrow or not? Will not answering her msn msg convey to her that im mad at her or something so i dont answer? this is currently the 4th day of nc since the last meeting we had. would appreciate some feedback. whether or not i did the right thing by ignoring it, or like interpretations of what it means?
Miss Clavel Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 so basically ur telling me that i dont even need to tell her that i dont want to be her friend rite now and whatnot and should just cut off contact? cuz i kind of implied that i would wait for her during our talk. we already have a meeting before school starts and i was thinking of telling her i want to cut off contact and not be friends so i'm not sure what i should do. cuz i want her to get the message that i cant be friends and its like either all or nothing. I think you should show some pride. Try to change the class. Or do what the other poster suggested and look right thru her. You've already told her what you feel and I for one would never settle for being "friends".
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