Will I ever be able to let go...?

[Miss RJ]

Hi there

 

The reason for this post is because I need advice. I feel as though I need to tell objective individuals my story. I need honest advice from people who will be able to appreciate how I feel and know what I am going through.

 

I am going to try and keep my story as brief as possible, I am sure everyone of you know's how difficult that can be though!

 

Anyway, I have been with my boyfriend (MrS) for almost 5 years now but that is including break-up's.

 

We met in university halls and before long everything was going well, first loves and all that. During my time at university I even spent a year abroad, during this time we managed to make the relationship work. Fast forward to last January - 2010. I had had enough. We were constantly fighting, he made absolutely no effort with the relationship or with me and he completely took me for granted. During 2009 we had a couple of brief break-up's. One which lasted a week and the other a month - I was heart broken both times. Come January 2010 I was done. I had to let go. Initially I felt okay, I was going out a lot and for the first time experiencing life as a single girl. I felt as though I had made the right decision and was starting to find ME again.

 

We didn't contact each other for 2 weeks. Then he texted. Then he came to the same club he knew me and my friends were going to. We chatted for a while and it was great to see him. All of a sudden I was overcome with emotions that I could not control. I was devastated. Over the next few weeks we tried the whole 'lets be friends thing' but it didn't work. We went through stages of NC for a few weeks then we would talk. One night not long before easter we ended up sleeping together, following this we had a week of considering getting back together. My feelings for him were still so strong. I had forgotten all the reason's I was not happy in the first place.

 

I felt as though I wasn't done with the relationship, that I still loved him. We decided to think about what we were going to do over the easter break. Then I met someone else (let's call him MrA) I wasn't looking for anything, I'll be honest, I had been enjoying my single life but I knew I wasn't over MrS. So anyway, along comes MrA. I don't think much of it. I go back to Glasgow, which is home, for a week over easter. MrA and I go on a date and it's amazing. So, turns out that there are other guys out there. This gives me a boost. When I return back to university Mr A and I continue to see each other. We start spending alot of time together. MrS starts calling, texting and turning up and my door drunk on a continual basis. I feel as though I am starting to move on, that I HAVE to move on. I feel as though he completely took me for granted throughout our relationship.

 

So a month or so passes and things are going well with MrA, we get on so well and have so much in common. We spend alot of time together and I genuinely feel as though I have found myself again. Spending time with MrA makes me feel as though I was never happy with MrS, that I had lost who I was.

 

During this time MrS continues to text saying he wants to talk with me. I tell him I am in a good place and don't want to talk.

 

Then one of the worst possible things happen's to me and my family - my sister is diagnosed with cancer - it's a scary time - the cancer is rare and noone seems to know what type etc etc. It has also spread. Myself and my family are devastated. I need to speak with someone and call MrS. (my sister's treatment has been successful, her most recent scan was clear. Obviously there is still a long way to go but she is on the road to recovery)

 

MrS supports me through this in such a way that I will always be grateful for - he is a great friend to me. It reminds me of all the good things and makes me reflect on how I behaved in the relationship. I was by no means perfect and to a certain extent equally to blame for our downfall. We meet up a couple of times and he tells me how much he loves me and how much he wants to be with me. I'm confused and emotionally vulnerable. I am going through alot of difficult things in my life and I am so grateful to have MrS as a friend.

 

a month or so later MrS is away for 3 months over summer as part of his university course. I am still with MrA. MrS is being a great friend and in constant contact when he is away.

 

Things with MrA go well, he is a fantastic person and I am so happy being with him and in his company. He is the type of boyfriend I had always dreamed of and he makes me the person I want to be. We work well together and have lots of fun. However, I still love MrS and MrA can see this. We end things, MrA and I, on great terms. On paper and to everyone else we were the perfect couple but the feelings and emotions were not there.

 

So ANYWAY MrS comes back from India and tells me he loves me, I am the one for him, he will never be happy without me, he will do whatever it takes to make the relationship work and get me back. I fall for it because I still love him. I want us to be the perfect, happy couple. Things go great for a while, I think this could be it. But then it starts to slip back into the way it was. He has not really been making and effort and I feel as though he doesn't appreciate me. However, things have been better than the were. We have not really been arguing and have been having fun together

 

The dilemma I have now is that I just do not know what to do. I don't think I could face ANOTHER break up. I want to make it work, I believe it has the potential to work if some adjustments are made. We are currently doing long distance (kindof) between Glasgow and Dundee. I'm working and he is in his final year of univeristy. Last weekend we had a discussion and he was saying he has doubts about whether we are compatible and whether we will truly be happy together. He doubts whether we have a future together. He was essentially suggesting we should end it. I was a bit taken a back - if he had no intention of making it work with me why did he persuade me that he would change? It's all so conflicting.

 

When we were having this discussion I said that I didn't get back together with him to give up as soon as things got tough. He is moving back to Glasgow in August, is this not the perfect time to see if things could work? He then went on to say something like he thought that I was going to agree with him and say we should break up. He said because I want to make it work then he doesn't want to end things - I don't really know what that means? Does it mean he wants to end things but doesn't want to hurt me?

 

Does he want to be with me? Is he just settling for me? does he love me? These are all the thought's that are currently consuming me.

 

Anyway, I have been rambling, sorry! BUT I don't know what to do - do I try and see how things go over the next few months? I feel as though that is what I want to do but at the same time I am not sure I am happy. I feel as though I am starting to loose myself at the moment. I cannot shake the feeling that he does not love me and does not want to be with me based on what he said the other day... I don't know whether I am staying with him because I am scared of being alone. I have recently started a new job in Glasgow, although I am living at home I am feeling lonely. I don't have the same large group of supportive friends and flatmates that I had in Dundee. Everyone is spread out around the country. I spend most weekends with him...

 

I would be so grateful for any honest advice on what I should do? Should I stay? Can you EVER break away from your first love?

 

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do you know if someone is 'the one'? If there is no future, or you have doubts about the future should you end it and move on?

 

I am so grateful for anyone taking this time to read my ramblings and I do hope that what I have said makes sense.

 

Much love,

MissRJ

[pd8mxq]

Hi there,

 

First of all, maybe your bf says that coz he has doubts again? Can you two not sit down properly can chat this time? I agree wit you. YOu two broke off and came back together, so shouldnt u two give it a proper go?

Tell him that.

 

If he does not want to, maybe he really realise he cannot be happy with u together, so maybe it is better to finish off this time. At least, you can say to yourself, you gave it a try this time. There's no regret. Its just maybe really u two are not compatiable.

 

And I think u are still young, so if it does not work and he realises that. YOu would rather him telling you now that when in 10 years for example.

 

I know it is so hard to let go from first love. I still find it very hard to let go from my breakup 5 months ago. He left me and I am still struggling.

 

I think you should sit down and chat with him and ask him to see in a few months when he is back in Glasgow to give it a go. Maybe he has exams and things in his mind now?

 

I do have one question to ask you back. You being the one who finished the first time round and found someone else afterwards (MrA) (exactly like my ex, he found someone and happy with the new guy but yet he still has feelings for me). And you said, u still loved your ex MrS.

 

Were you still IN LOVE with Mr S while you with Mr.A? My ex tells me that he loves me but he is not IN LOVE and he is currently happy with the new relationship because he discovers things that makes him happy with the new guy.

 

And I am about to go away for 3 months too with work (similar to you), I just want to know from your view the first time round. so I can see if I have a seoncd chance with my ex.

 

Ben

 

Thanks so much and if you feel bad again, I am happy to discuss.

[Miss RJ]

Hi Ben,

 

Thank you for your reply! I think you are right, MrS is having doubts. I tried to sort it out last night to clarify the situation. He just got annoyed with me for bringing it up saying that 'he hates those conversations' which isn't helpful. He did say he didn't feel it was working but that he wants to try. Guess I need to trust him on that - I'm just scared of getting hurt! I don't know. Maybe I should just try move on... I don't wanna be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I think MrS wants to make it work. Who knows. Just going to play it by ear. He has a lot of uni work and stress at the moment so maybe I should just give him some space?

 

With regards your situation I'm not sure the best way to advise you. When I met MrA and when I was with him I was happy and I felt as though I was moving on from MrS. Similar to hoe you ex says he is feeling. HOWEVER I wasn't ready for a new relationship - wasn't over MrS or my feelings for him. Sounds like you ex has tried to move on too quickly, which from my experience never works. I have no doubt he still loves you but it doesn't mean that the relationship was working - why did you break? I think it can be dangerous to hold onto the fact he says he still has feelings for you. You should concentrate your energies on moving on. Trust me I know how difficult that is. But I think if you do that you will feel happier. If your ex realises how he feels and wants to get back together then he will say. I don't think you should hold on to something. Especially if they tell you they are happy with someone else. I think you should concentrate on what will make you happy and move on. Don't live your life waiting to see if he will come back. Concentrate on you and only you, you will be surprised how well things can work out when you do that. If you and your ex are meant to be together then you will...

 

Rona

[pd8mxq]

I think you should just leave MrS to do his exams and then see how it goes afterwards. Give him space now since you two are still TOGETHER.

 

Dont push him because he is stress with exams and anything on top will create much more stress. Maybe leave it until he finishes is exams. Also give some encouragement for his exams, thats all.

 

In terms of my ex, he left because he was not happy anymore. He was not sure what was making him unhappy but he knows now. A lot of small things that I did or things that we did not do over the 8 years accumulate to something that makes him really unhappy.

 

And he is discovering what he actually wants now. He said he wants someone who he does not think I can give. But I see it differently.

 

Well right now, he did say that he cannot just give up on something that is working well (his current relationship) and comes back to something tat was not working well (with me). But we did say that we jave to forget our past mistakes if we were to start again.

 

With MrS, during the time you were with MrA, did he contact you and ask you to go back with him? Did he push you, beg you etc.? Or did heleave it very cool and this is why you gave him another chance?

[Miss RJ]

Hi ben,

 

I think you are right, I should give MrS some space. He textd me today saying I was being silly with what I was saying... I don't know. Sometimes I thinkg its best to just move on. I gave him a second chance but sometimes I wonder if that was the right thing.

 

With regards your question Mr$ was always quite persistant. But saying that, our situation was slightly different. If I am honest with you, ben, I didn't realise how I felt about Mr$ until my sister was unwell. That made me realise how much I wanted him in my life. You only have one shot at life, make the most of it. If you love your ex, tell him so but don't ever ask for him back. Let him do that. I think you should concentrate on moving on! Maybe try meeting someone new?

 

How are you feeling about everything with your ex?! Stay strong. Whatever is meant to be will be.

 

 

Ronaxx

[Miss RJ]

Sorry ben, I don't think I really answered your question. MrS was very persistant in his approach. He never gave up. He would constantly text me wanting to talk. I don't know what the best advice for you is. I know what it is like to love someone and feel like you can't be with them.it is so hard and it sucks!!

 

I think instead of thinking and concentrating on the possibility of your ex wanting to get back together you should focus your energies on moving on. I have been there. I know its hard. But after a few weeks of NC it honestly gets better. I had to do that. I experienced a broken heart and all the scary and daunting things that come with that. I think you should honestly concentrate all your energy on you, on what makes you happy and try and keep busy. If you do that you will feel happier generally.

 

When you go through a break up the first and most important step is sorting your self out. Once you are happy in yourself the rest will sort it self out. If that means gettting back with your ex then great,that was obvuously meant to be. But don't focus on that. Focus on being happy and trust that everything will work out the way it meant to.

 

Love,

Ronaxxxa