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Posted

I am currently friends with this girl now, but she was my girlfriend for about 5 months since last November. We met around mid October and in about less than a month we hungout about three times till we got together. At the time we were both in school in the 1st semester of our third year of university and as stressed as we were we still were able to see each other at least 4-5 times a week. For the first two months or so.. till the end of first semester (December) things were really sweet and she could just tell me the sweetest things spontaneously and call me just about once every night. These were for sure some of the most memorable and happiest times we've had.

 

As January came and for the following 4 months or so... she just became much less.. sweet than she used to be, and it was becoming more and more apparent. Starting January she started full-time work for the first time for a co-op program and I continued on with my studies. Full time work as well as family stress were taking a toll on her and she was really not used to such a fixed regime at work because she's always had such a flexible schedule during school. I knew her lifestyle was changing and she felt like work was just becoming such a drag and was tiring her out a lot. I had a heavy courseload as well, but still more time on my hands than her. As the second semester continued on we just found that our schedules were just so hectic that we were unable to make much time to see one another... we might see only 2-3 times a week at most. We kept on with the phone calls and texts, but even so we still soon felt like at times when we were seeing each other things were fine, though when we weren't we both sometimes felt like we weren't even dating. She felt this more somewhat more strongly than I did though. We had a really emotional talk one night about it and she told me she simply felt like we didn't even see enough even though we only lived like 15 minutes away from each other. And when I do get to see her, most of the time I'd just be studying and whatnot and she didn't have much else to do.. but when I could give her more of my attention sometimes she was still pretty happy. After that talk I then tried to see her more often by making more time and working harder, but soon she felt like at times she was just really tired from work and didn't wanna see anyone or do anything. I was really stressed too but whenever I was able to see her I just felt really good and I know she was happy too.

 

By the end of March or so, one day as we were going out for dinner she just seemed much more indifferent and didn't seem like she even wanted to get intimate at all. Leading up to this I started gradually feeling she was feeling a bit distant from me even though we were still seeing at least 3 times a week, though it wasn't as pronounced as that night we went out for that dinner. After the dinner we later talked because we knew we needed to talk about what was going on lately. She told me she felt she needed space now as I was starting to see her a lot more than before and she just felt like shes starting to feel uncertain about us and needs to figure out what she wants. At times when we were seeing each other she'd just almost like love me to pieces but when were not seeing sometimes she felt like we were just close friends who talk a lot. She felt it was unfair for me too that when I do make time to see her she sometimes felt like she was feeling 'off' and maybe just wants to sleep if I stay over bit late as she's becoming tired really often, and especially if she has work the next morning. She decided she wanted to take a break and I agreed... and she thinks if we didn't these problems would just become worse. I somewhat thought so too so I gave her that space and I didn't think it would take long till she cleared her mind up and figures things out.

 

The break lasted for a month and initially I would text her at times but she responded much less with time and we only saw once very briefly, though we hardly even talked then too. By the last week of the break we actually didn't say a word through sms or call or anything. That then exactly led up to my last final exam and I decided to initiate again because I just felt I have the time now and that there's no way after a month or so she hasn't figured things out. We were supposed to talk through phone, though once I decided I wanted to talk about it in person she just told me through text that she wanted be friends for now and see where that goes. She said its not that she doesn't want to give us another chance its just that she feels like shes not ready for a relationship now and isn't prepared to commit. I somewhat expected she could have reached this conclusion but i felt she must hear me out before we decide to do this. When we finally got to see face to face ... we finally talked it and she felt like her schedule right now is just really busy and she wants to focus on a course shes going to take and on work. She still likes me and wants to try to work on our relationship as friends because if we were trying this again as a couple she'd feel like if she wasn't able to make time for me because of other friends or work or whatever we'd just have a bad impression of each other as bf/gf and that we weren't working on our relationship.

 

I honestly feel she just feels like she enjoys the freedom of single more but she does have feelings for me. She says she feels like she wants us to get to know each other more and establish a better foundation first before we get into it again... and that she wishes we didn't go out so early. If we continue on as bf/gf and try to work at it like this she'd feel she's only like halfheartedly going into the relationship. Therefore... she wants to try this again and work on our relationship till shes really wholeheartedly ready to go into it again.. though she also thinks its a bit weird because she also doesn't feel like shes ready for one at the moment but were still trying to work towards one. She asked me this and if we can still be friends for now... and I just felt I had to respect her decision because I really shouldn't force her back into relationship right now and I somewhat get her point. I felt she still liked being a bit intimate even during this whole talk and I know there are feelings still there for me just they aren't enough like before for her to feel like putting in as much effort into the relationship. As well, we both just know that the timing factor plays a big part too. I was beginning my co-op work term the next day and she called me the night after.. after not calling me like that for at least a month. Although I know shes continuing her full-time work term for another 4 months and I am starting a full time work term for 4 months starting this month... I know just after work and whatnot I'll have a lot more time on my hands for her and just for my own social life which I hardly have had one at all in my last 4 hectic months.

 

I feel I do have a second chance but I don't know what I should do now.. no contact until just we can hangout?.. or keep in contact through texts sometimes and calls to try to slowly rekindle new feelings with the already existing feelings?... I really want her back but even trying to ask her to hang out is so hard because she says shes just busy and just today when I asked she says if we can do next Monday (which to me feels no different if she said 3 Mondays later)... I feel kind of confused and unsure of what steps I should take and like I'd just be among her line of friends now whom have to wait to go out with her. She's the type of person who can't say no to her friends that well so she tries to distribute time to her friends better..

 

I really hope I can get some constructive advice as to what i can do and really what's the best way to look at this situation I'm in now. I'm afraid of keeping in too much contact because I don't want to be her safety net or whatever, but just the notion of her calling me again after my first day of work I still know she cares about me and she even said that too.

 

Thank you in advance for your feedback and advice, I really appreciate it.

 

P.S. It's only been 2 days since my first day of work and that she called me.

  • Author
Posted

I know that was a very long post and I found out my ex is likely suffering from G.I.G.S. syndrome (as homebrew said.. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t251986/) ... but we still keep a bit of LC this week and her birthday is coming up and we could be meeting up on Monday for a dinner or something, but not confirmed yet ... should I get her a birthday present?? Just a small one perhaps

Posted

I like detailed posts like this. :)

 

From what you shared and what she shared, the break up's more circumstantial than it is about having a change of heart or one of those "I don't feel the same about you anymore" kinds of situations. She has a lot on her plate and both of you sound really busy anyhow.

 

Don't push. Let her come to you about the hang out. Put it out there the next time you see her. "Ex, I understand that you're busy and you have a lot on your plate. So do I! I want to hang out with you when you have the time, so hopefully we'll be able to coordinate our schedules to make that happen." Not in the exact words, but something to that effect; then smoothly move on to another topic. This is the kind of message that you only need to say once. Everyone gets annoyed with a nag, you know?

 

If she doesn't respond favorably right away, do not get discouraged. Let her come to you for the hangout. Pushing creates pressure. If she starts associating you with that pushiness, guess who's going to pull away a little bit further than the more invested party wants... You want to pull her inwards to you, not away from you, correct?

 

Also, please create a little mystery around yourself and don't be available at her beck and call. You're already busy with your co-op and she knows you are. Not being mopey is very attractive. Above all, having this involved activity will help you keep busy and not think about her so much. Don't worry about her; you already have what most LS users here don't. Your idea of light contact because you, too, are busy, is something that sounds really good.

 

You want to stay in this, you are going to have to have a lot of patience, vigilance about your actions and words towards her, and an open-mindedness that in spite of doing things you thought were correct, it might not work out to the outcome that you desire.

 

I really hope it works out for you. :) Keep us posted and take everyone's word here with a grain of salt.

Posted

Sounds A LOT like my story, almost exact... My ex ended up hopping into another relationship. :(. That prompted me to go full NC and cut her off. Im about 10 days now NC... Im also looking for the same advice you are, so I would like to hear some as well!

Posted (edited)
Sounds A LOT like my story, almost exact... My ex ended up hopping into another relationship. :(. That prompted me to go full NC and cut her off. Im about 10 days now NC... Im also looking for the same advice you are, so I would like to hear some as well!

shawn, you're projecting. Your situation may share many similarities with MT's, but this story is entirely MT's. I understand your urge to seek other experiences for comfort and for ideas, though. Your ex-gf is in a new relationship and the best choice that you can make is one that you already made: go NC. You can't do anything about her being in a relationship at this point because all of her attentions are to her new boyfriend - as it should be.

 

Having an ex-boyfriend hanging around doesn't look good at all. This is the best you can do. You've gotten great advice from WTRanger and the others. I'm sorry that you're still in pain, but you really have to start healing and move on.

Edited by 0hpenelope
Posted

Anyone who is really into you would make time to hang out with you, just like you are trying to do. She lost her attraction to you but is avoiding telling you that so that you stay a safety net. So unfortunately, youre already a safety net.

 

Somehow she lost her attraction to you, and it has nothing to do with her being busy. You think she has feelings for you still, but when someone doesnt want to be with you, they dont have feelings for you. Could be something you did, could be another guy thats closer, but she wont tell you. You need to cut her off, let her miss you,be too busy to talk to her. Talking to her wont rekindle anything. Nothing will rekindle anything at this point really because she doesnt want it to work. The closest thing to working is for her to see that you dont need her. She probably wont come looking for you until you really dont need to hear from her anymore. So stop calling her, dont count on her coming back to you, and move on with your life. Go find a girl thats closer and that is looking forward to seeing you.

Posted
Anyone who is really into you would make time to hang out with you, just like you are trying to do. She lost her attraction to you but is avoiding telling you that so that you stay a safety net. So unfortunately, youre already a safety net.

 

Somehow she lost her attraction to you, and it has nothing to do with her being busy. You think she has feelings for you still, but when someone doesnt want to be with you, they dont have feelings for you. Could be something you did, could be another guy thats closer, but she wont tell you. You need to cut her off, let her miss you,be too busy to talk to her. Talking to her wont rekindle anything. Nothing will rekindle anything at this point really because she doesnt want it to work. The closest thing to working is for her to see that you dont need her. She probably wont come looking for you until you really dont need to hear from her anymore. So stop calling her, dont count on her coming back to you, and move on with your life. Go find a girl thats closer and that is looking forward to seeing you.

 

I agree with everything that was said here.

 

 

MT: In your post you mention how often you see one another. I must say, from my experiences... too much is never a good thing, especially when a relationship is so new. I understand there is an introductory period where it's new and exciting, but too much can burn it out, quickly. I was never one to think that space was good, I actually was thoroughly opposed to it and would ignore people when they tried to tell me what I'm telling you. But in retrospect, and this is a big statement coming from me... SPACE is key in any relationship. If you're fretting about seeing someone 3 days a week, please stop and think about this. If someone is worth it, it takes quite some time to get to a place where you can see one another more and more without your lives crashing and problems starting.

 

I was (before) an advocate of doing all the fun things together... all the BBQs, friend get togethers, birthdays, etc. Well, honestly... you still need 'you' time and if you don't, if something happens all you will have is yourself, alone with zero friends and support. I'm not saying everything will end, but I'm saying you need to have a life as well. I made a mistake in a relationship, I never thought it was 'enough' time and when I look back; which I do, look back, I realize if I had given both of us more space, we wouldn't be where we are today which is not together. HOWEVER, I am happy things happened the way they did, I truly am. I'm just trying to give you some insight from a females perspective.

 

Sometimes, the best thing, is to walk away. Go NC and as much as it won't make sense and you don't want to hear it 'focus on you' because you are number one and should always be number one. You're young, you have so much time. I'm not saying this girl isn't worth it, but I'm just saying enjoy yourself now, please. You have your entire life ahead of you to fall in love and be heartbroken and confused. Do yourself a favor and take care of yourself.

 

Another lesson I've learned... if someone wants to contact you, and I mean truly wants to contact you, they will. So, don't be afraid that NC will shut the door if you walk because if they care they'll make it known.

Posted

I was just saying, I will be looking at this thread for some insight on a situation close to mines... And the advice you give him, i will also take.

  • Author
Posted

she removed me from her facebook profile pictures and this message about us in her personal info... but tomorrows her birthday should I say happy birthday on facebook and by sms? I'm not sure if that really breaks nc or lc because I feel I have a somewhat special circumstance... sigh

Posted

sorry, new guy here, i understand NC is no contact, but what is LC?

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