Blowing from love to hate

May 4, 2011

I am baffled how a man can change from loving you completely and promising you the world to being cold distant and seemingly content without you in one week ?

MM ended things with me last week in order to sort out life and decide what he wanted to do(BS found out about the A so I believe it is more to do with him grovelling yet keeping me on the sidelines) He still contacts me but appears distant and cold. I actually think this is good for me because I am now realising perhaps he never loved me at all.

Would love to hear some of your experiences of similar situations ? Do they come grovelling back ? Or is the BS finding out a wake up call to what they have been doing, hence the coldness ?

May 4, 2011

I am baffled how a man can change from loving you completely and promising you the world to being cold distant and seemingly content without you in one week ?

MM ended things with me last week in order to sort out life and decide what he wanted to do(BS found out about the A so I believe it is more to do with him grovelling yet keeping me on the sidelines) He still contacts me but appears distant and cold. I actually think this is good for me because I am now realising perhaps he never loved me at all.

Would love to hear some of your experiences of similar situations ? Do they come grovelling back ? Or is the BS finding out a wake up call to what they have been doing, hence the coldness ?

It's called being a punk. Or continuing to be A PUNK!

May 4, 2011

He is throwing you under the bus although not totally because he is still trying to figure out how he can keep the wife and keep you. If he wanted his marriage he would have went NC with you, but he still wants both. Or perhaps he is afraid you will go ballistic on him and tell the wife. I'm of the opinion that if he really loved you, he wouldn't have went all cold and cruel on you and hey d day would have been his chance to come clean and come be with you instead of using excuses. I'd also say if he is doing any groveling it isn't you that he is groveling to.....it's the wife.

So....What do you want? More of the same ****ty treatment or ?

May 4, 2011

It's because he no longer views you as a benefit, but as a liability.

Instead of enhancing his life, you now have the potential to totally mess it up. Before his wife found out, he felt positive feelings while in your presence and talking to you. Now that he has consequences to deal with, he is viewing you in a negative light.

It isn't fair, but he is not a fair-minded person, or he would not be cheating.

Don't take it personal. It was never really about you as a person, it was about the role you played in his life.

May 4, 2011

He is throwing you under the bus although not totally because he is still trying to figure out how he can keep the wife and keep you. If he wanted his marriage he would have went NC with you, but he still wants both. Or perhaps he is afraid you will go ballistic on him and tell the wife.

His wife was already told by someone else but he hasnt revealed the full extent of the A to her as yet as they have not had an opportunity to discuss the situation. Very much doubt she will ever truly know what actually happened. Apparently he is trying to deal with the practicality of things and needs time to sort out whether he is going to leave or not (selfish behaviour)

I'd also say if he is doing any groveling it isn't you that he is groveling to.....it's the wife. ?

He doesnt even seem to be grovelling to his wife ...although Id say he is treating her alot better than me. Then again I am only the OW

So....What do you want? More of the same ****ty treatment or ?

Completely realise I dont want that type of man or relationship for myself anymore. What i thought I had with him obviously wasnt real and I am obviously far more disposable than I realised. I was just curious as to whether they ever come grovelling back .... i obviously wouldnt be prepared to go down that road again.

May 4, 2011

I am baffled how a man can change from loving you completely and promising you the world to being cold distant and seemingly content without you in one week ?

MM ended things with me last week in order to sort out life and decide what he wanted to do(BS found out about the A so I believe it is more to do with him grovelling yet keeping me on the sidelines) He still contacts me but appears distant and cold. I actually think this is good for me because I am now realising perhaps he never loved me at all.

Would love to hear some of your experiences of similar situations ? Do they come grovelling back ? Or is the BS finding out a wake up call to what they have been doing, hence the coldness ?

Jessy, i can only speak from my personal experience. I never had a D-Day but xMM still blew hot and cold. i believe people in an A are not able to be consistent, because often they are conflicted themselves. xMM probably loved having me around, and may have loved me (or just infatuation), but he also is attached to his family, and feels guilty and am sure still loves her.

xMM never promised me anything as such, but he did do his fair share of future faking, although I believe he probably genuinely thought he wanted and could follow through at the time.

My A lasted 14 months (ended 3 weeks ago) and he came grovelling back a few times and I was naive and stupid to take him back. In the end, his actions showed me that he just cannot be consistent, and is more conflicted than ever after 14 months. I had to end it because at the end of the day, I was with someone unavailable, and more than ever, unwilling and unable to be in a relationship, and of course married!

We have done the NC thing a few times but it never lasted more than a month. This time it is a done deal for me. I no longer want to subject myself to more of this dysfunction and pain, and I focus on moving forward. There is of course a chance that he will contact me again if past behaviour is any indication, but it will be up to me to remind myself what I truly want if that happens – a grovelling, conflicted married man or perhaps someone available and sincere and open in the future?

May 4, 2011

It's because he no longer views you as a benefit, but as a liability.

Instead of enhancing his life, you now have the potential to totally mess it up. Before his wife found out, he felt positive feelings while in your presence and talking to you. Now that he has consequences to deal with, he is viewing you in a negative light.

It isn't fair, but he is not a fair-minded person, or he would not be cheating.

Don't take it personal. It was never really about you as a person, it was about the role you played in his life.

Really insightful post and so very true !! As long as I wasnt causing any trouble to his second life I could be part of his life but now that that is in danger im gone !!

May 4, 2011

It's because he no longer views you as a benefit, but as a liability.

Instead of enhancing his life, you now have the potential to totally mess it up. Before his wife found out, he felt positive feelings while in your presence and talking to you. Now that he has consequences to deal with, he is viewing you in a negative light.

It isn't fair, but he is not a fair-minded person, or he would not be cheating.

Don't take it personal. It was never really about you as a person, it was about the role you played in his life.

So true...

May 4, 2011

xMM never promised me anything as such, but he did do his fair share of future faking, although I believe he probably genuinely thought he wanted and could follow through at the time.?

Future faking !! Its all part of the whole fantast isnt it ? I sometimes think they actually believe all those things can happen in the future ... but they forget these wishes so quickly !

My A lasted 14 months (ended 3 weeks ago) and he came grovelling back a few times and I was naive and stupid to take him back.?

How long did you go NC before he came back ? Its very hard to completely shut the door on someone you love.

but it will be up to me to remind myself what I truly want if that happens – a grovelling, conflicted married man or perhaps someone available and sincere and open in the future?

I think all the pain that a MM causes ..even if they did leave are just not worth it in 99% of the cases. I will never again put myself in that position again. I hope you find an available sincere man in the future who can give you everything you want and need.

May 4, 2011

Jessy, it was a boomerang R. Every time we were supposed to go NC, whether it's him throwing me under the bus, or he supposedly was sorting his life out, or it was supposed to be the end, it was never more than a month before he would come back. Sometimes it would be a week, sometimes it would be two weeks.

Important thing to remember is that sure, you feel love for him (trust me that will fade as you have less and less respect for him), him boomeranging back does NOT mean he is ready to put things in place to be with you. Him SAYING he loves you or misses you does NOT mean he has the courage, or is ready to leave his M.

I do not know how long your MM has been married, but the longer he has been, and if he has kids, his attachment to his family is huge. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you I don't know, but it can mean he doesn't love you enough to have his life turned upside down.

I was naive in thinking that just because xMM moved out 2 months into our A/R, and stayed out for 6 months, that he was truly ready to leave. He probably thought he was ready too, until the reality of his situation hit him. Not long after he moved out, he became emotionally unstable, started getting panic attacks, missed his family like hell, feeling huge amount of guilt etc. How could a man so messed up be present in a new R?

To this day I don't believe his M is truly over, regardless of what he tells me. We ended things amicably and if i hadn't really ended it, he would still put me on ice... I do believe he loved me, but not enough for him to walk away from a 20-year M. And if he does leave, do I want to be the rebound girl? and if he contacts me again now after a few weeks, what could he possibly have sorted out in mere weeks?

I am divorced myself many years ago. I had an affair, and I left my M within weeks. That's another story but I believe unless they leave within a reasonable amount of time, they won't be leaving. I also believe women would leave more often than men.

I would say the likelihood of him come grovelling back is quite high. But that's not a prize. Every time he comes back you will feel hope, and think 'oh, maybe he does love me and wants to be with me'. More often than not, that's not why they come back. You will be wise to walk away now.

May 4, 2011

Jessy, it was a boomerang R. Every time we were supposed to go NC, whether it's him throwing me under the bus, or he supposedly was sorting his life out, or it was supposed to be the end, it was never more than a month before he would come back. Sometimes it would be a week, sometimes it would be two weeks.

Important thing to remember is that sure, you feel love for him (trust me that will fade as you have less and less respect for him), him boomeranging back does NOT mean he is ready to put things in place to be with you. Him SAYING he loves you or misses you does NOT mean he has the courage, or is ready to leave his M.

I do not know how long your MM has been married, but the longer he has been, and if he has kids, his attachment to his family is huge. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you I don't know, but it can mean he doesn't love you enough to have his life turned upside down.

I was naive in thinking that just because xMM moved out 2 months into our A/R, and stayed out for 6 months, that he was truly ready to leave. He probably thought he was ready too, until the reality of his situation hit him. Not long after he moved out, he became emotionally unstable, started getting panic attacks, missed his family like hell, feeling huge amount of guilt etc. How could a man so messed up be present in a new R?

To this day I don't believe his M is truly over, regardless of what he tells me. We ended things amicably and if i hadn't really ended it, he would still put me on ice... I do believe he loved me, but not enough for him to walk away from a 20-year M. And if he does leave, do I want to be the rebound girl? and if he contacts me again now after a few weeks, what could he possibly have sorted out in mere weeks?

I am divorced myself many years ago. I had an affair, and I left my M within weeks. That's another story but I believe unless they leave within a reasonable amount of time, they won't be leaving. I also believe women would leave more often than men.

I would say the likelihood of him come grovelling back is quite high. But that's not a prize. Every time he comes back you will feel hope, and think 'oh, maybe he does love me and wants to be with me'. More often than not, that's not why they come back. You will be wise to walk away now.

Excellent post SIUYS....you've learned well...jessyj Look at the actions of your man...that will tell you everything. Words mean nothing if not backed with the right actions.

May 4, 2011

I've seen men do this, but not women. Makes me wonder if they're wired differently.

May 4, 2011

Really insightful post and so very true !! As long as I wasnt causing any trouble to his second life I could be part of his life but now that that is in danger im gone !!

Welcome to the club...sorry but this all too familiar to some of us.

I used to say to mine...I am NOT the threat to your marriage..YOU ARE!

His truest statement to me was I should be relieved he didn't choose me.

It took me awhile,but I woke up one day and realized...he was sooo right.

I pegged mine as a Narcissist after seeing his true colors.

They ohhh so easily idealize,devalue and discard women as though

they have no worth.Just as easily could have been his wife that he discarded.Obviously,his image is what means most to him because neither of you were shown any respect.

Not that it matters what he is,what matters only is taking back your power

dismissing him from your life and moving forward without allowing him

to define your worth as though he is someone who's opinions matter.

If he can leave you hanging,why would you even considering still loving him?That's simply a betrayal bond if you ask me.

http://www.sexhelp.com/betrayal_bond.cfm

Love can be used as a weapon against us if we chose people without conscience.

Don't give him the satisfaction of seeing your pain....they enjoy it too much.

Just walk away without explaination.You owe him nothing.

And know you are worthy of much more than him.

But you have to believe that first.

I've seen men do this, but not women. Makes me wonder if they're wired differently.

Of course some of them are.It's a defense mechanism to being vulnerable to so easily compartmentalize love and sex,right and wrong,real and fake.

Not to mention,men and women have affairs for very different reasons.

Men will say or do anthing to get sex,

women will say or do anything to get love.

Generalization,I know,but in my experience....totally applicable.

Guess it's in our hands as to whether we stoop so low for love or not.

May 4, 2011

Welcome to the club...sorry but this all too familiar to some of us.
I used to say to mine...I am NOT the threat to your marriage..YOU ARE!

His truest statement to me was I should be relieved he didn't choose me.
It took me awhile,but I woke up one day and realized...he was sooo right.

I pegged mine as a Narcissist after seeing his true colors.
They ohhh so easily idealize,devalue and discard women as though
they have no worth.Just as easily could have been his wife that he discarded.Obviously,his image is what means most to him because neither of you were shown any respect.

Not that it matters what he is,what matters only is taking back your power
dismissing him from your life and moving forward without allowing him
to define your worth as though he is someone who's opinions matter.
If he can leave you hanging,why would you even considering still loving him?That's simply a betrayal bond if you ask me.

http://www.sexhelp.com/betrayal_bond.cfm

Love can be used as a weapon against us if we chose people without conscience.

Don't give him the satisfaction of seeing your pain....they enjoy it too much.

Just walk away without explaination.You owe him nothing.

And know you are worthy of much more than him.
But you have to believe that first.

Of course some of them are.It's a defense mechanism to being vulnerable to so easily compartmentalize love and sex,right and wrong,real and fake.

Not to mention,men and women have affairs for very different reasons.

Men will say or do anthing to get sex,
women will say or do anything to get love.

Generalization,I know,but in my experience....totally applicable.

Guess it's in our hands as to whether we stoop so low for love or not.

I LOVE THIS POST, especially the bolded!!!!:love::love: Love it!

May 5, 2011

The MM in my affair FINALLY stopped contacting me. I cut off phone calls, visits and texts. He was still emailing occasionally.

One day, I wrote him, him if he couldn't be with me, to have the good grace to let everything go.

H emailed back the next day and said he didn't want to inflict further hurt or upset on me. That was it! It took 3 years to come and go. Healso said he would be back at my house in a blink if I would let him.

That was 5 months ago.

It was really the first decent thing he had done since I met him. It was probably done because he realised I was no longer any use to him. I will never know.

He didn't give up easily and made it tought for me.

I hope you can have the strength to walk.

Gentlegirl

May 5, 2011

I am baffled how a man can change from loving you completely and promising you the world to being cold distant and seemingly content without you in one week ?

MM ended things with me last week in order to sort out life and decide what he wanted to do(BS found out about the A so I believe it is more to do with him grovelling yet keeping me on the sidelines) He still contacts me but appears distant and cold. I actually think this is good for me because I am now realising perhaps he never loved me at all.

Would love to hear some of your experiences of similar situations ? Do they come grovelling back ? Or is the BS finding out a wake up call to what they have been doing, hence the coldness ?

MM pursued me. I was flattered by his passion and almost gave in. After a two-years, I recognized he was unhealthy and had the strength to turn away. He showed rage. Went on to another woman at work. I knew happily ever after wouldn't last, and it didn't. A month ago MM was being charming and repeatedly pestering me because he wanted to take me to my car.

Jessy, a lot of people in affairs have attachment disorder -- either because they have BPD/NPD. (People will NPD/BPD often function extremely well at work and in society, etc., but their disorder shows up behind closed doors, in the chaos of their intimate relationships.) People with attachment disorder are afraid of genuine intimacy so they like to keep two or more relationships going on once. When one partner gets too close, they pull back and walk over to the other partner for attention. It goes back and forth this way ad nauseum. They can't attach to spouse. They can't attach to AP. In fact, they have no intention of truly attaching or committing because everything they are defends against that possibility. But they need the attention, so they ping pong back and forth with words pretty enough to keep both people plugged in, constantly trying to win their favor.

Hopeless.

Affairs help folks with attachment disorder stay in their marriages.

So it's not about you. It seems to be the nature of a lot of the affairs here.

Eventually, it might help to pull the focus away from MM and turn it toward yourself to see if you have a fear of intimacy underlying your attraction to a MM. That's where you will find your power.

May 5, 2011

Jessy, a lot of people in affairs have attachment disorder -- either because they have BPD/NPD. (People will NPD/BPD often function extremely well at work and in society, etc., but their disorder shows up behind closed doors, in the chaos of their intimate relationships.) People with attachment disorder are afraid of genuine intimacy so they like to keep two or more relationships going on once. When one partner gets too close, they pull back and walk over to the other partner for attention. It goes back and forth this way ad nauseum. They can't attach to spouse. They can't attach to AP. In fact, they have no intention of truly attaching or committing because everything they are defends against that possibility. But they need the attention, so they ping pong back and forth with words pretty enough to keep both people plugged in, constantly trying to win their favor.

Hopeless.

Affairs help folks with attachment disorder stay in their marriages.

So it's not about you. It seems to be the nature of a lot of the affairs here.

Eventually, it might help to pull the focus away from MM and turn it toward yourself to see if you have a fear of intimacy underlying your attraction to a MM. That's where you will find your power.

This makes huge amounts of sense to me! Thanks for stating it so well.

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