Bryanp Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 CashP Maybe you should ask yourself the question as to why you wish to love a person who cares so little for your feelings and engages is such disrespect and distain toward you. Love is a gift and your wife tramples on your gift of love. You have been emotionally abused by your wife for many years and all you can really say is that you love your abuser. What is wrong with this picture? Why are you wasting your gift of love toward a person that abuses you? You deserve so much more my friend and it is so very sad that you do not believe so. I wish you luck.
drifter777 Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Agreed. Decades ago I cheated on my bf with someone he knew. I wouldn't tell him who because it was someone he liked and respected. It was easier for him to believe it was someone less of a person, almost like doing him a favor because the truth of who it was would have been a rub. Of course now you realize that continuing the lying probably wasn't the best way to begin a reconciliation.
OldOnTheInside Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Shame on you for sticking with a marriage that you're not happy with. I know right? What a jerk. But seriously OP, I agree with the advice given by the above posters. You should not be tolerating her bull****. She is the one that cheated (for who knows how long) and she should be the one working to regain your trust. She is an grown woman. Enough hand-holding. If she is unwilling to work on your marriage while you are... What does that say about her?
fascinated Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Of course now you realize that continuing the lying probably wasn't the best way to begin a reconciliation. Mine was not a reconcilliation, but an ending. I still didn't feel like kicking him in the teeth by telling him who I'd been sleeping with.
blueroses10 Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Agreed. Decades ago I cheated on my bf with someone he knew. I wouldn't tell him who because it was someone he liked and respected. It was easier for him to believe it was someone less of a person, almost like doing him a favor because the truth of who it was would have been a rub. Ding ding ding!!! I think this is the reason. It is probably someone you know, maybe not personally, but through her job or even a friend or family member. To know who the person is would more than likely hurt you to the point you won't forgive her so she's keeping it a secret. I remember every guy I've ever dated, not that there are that many but I remember each one. Even guys that were grade school crushes.
RobD70 Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 She would rather divorce than to give me the guys name. If my wife said that I would call her bluff. After 11 yrs, you would think that it was time to be honest. We have a son together and I really don't want him in a broken home. If she knows this then she will use this to her advantage. She has no real incentive to be forthcoming because you won't do anything about it. She would rather deal with your complaining than give up her affair partner. Why is she so willing to let it all go to conceal a person's identity?? Maybe it someone you know, she works with him, or the affair is still going on. She doesn't appear to have any respect for you and there's a good chance she may have had (or is having) multiple affairs that you don't know about. She isn't remorseful and continues to lie (that dinner you mentioned with the other guy) so I think you need to step things up. Just an FYI, filing for a divorce doesn't mean you actually have to get a divorce. My wife filed in 2009 and moved in with the OM but today we are together better than before but I still have that petition for divorce in my lock box. In hindsight I should had been the one that filed.
bentnotbroken Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Mine was not a reconcilliation, but an ending. I still didn't feel like kicking him in the teeth by telling him who I'd been sleeping with. It's not a kick in the teeth when one "needs" to know. Some people actually need all the details in order to process and move on. If her husband is one of those people, he can't let it go(not necessarily what I would do), but it is apparent he needs the name.
Spark1111 Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 If you have no history of nutjob behavior she is withholding his name because you KNOW him. Move on? You havent. You cannot. Thats what you came here for. You can decide to accept that you will never move on and thats about it. BINGO! You know him.
danmo Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Yep I agree, you know him (OM) all right and are probably friends or at least aquainted with him. Keeping in mind the cruise boat story I'd bet he was on the boat. Actually, it sounds like it's still on-going and much more than an EA. Could also be the affair is dead and she just likes to have a boy friend on the side to sleep with. Have you thought of a detective to check things out?
vsmini Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Don't let your wife manipulate you anymore. Her line about letting the past stay in the past is BS. Also....She doesn't remember the guys name? I remember every guy I've ever been on one date with...I think if I had an affair I would remember that guys name too. Time to leave this woman. I know it's not that easy but stop bothering with the questions and just kick her to the curb. You won't get anywhere with her.
Tea Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 not telling you the name keeps her options open. once you know the name, there is no going back to him. there's closure for you, but also closure for her.
John Michael Kane Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Agreed. Decades ago I cheated on my bf with someone he knew. I wouldn't tell him who because it was someone he liked and respected. You didn't tell him because you only cared about saving your butt, and he's just as guilty. It was easier for him to believe it was someone less of a person, almost like doing him a favor because the truth of who it was would have been a rub. Deceiving someone is not doing nobody any favors.
whichwayisup Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 (edited) You want to know who this guy is? Hire a PI. Chances are it's someone you know. A close friend, a cousin, maybe your brother, or father. I know it sounds awful to even consider a relative, but never say never. She's terrified of you finding out who it is for a reason. Or this person is well known in your City and maybe she's protecting his identity. Either way, she OWES you the truth. Hmm I wonder if it's possible to take her to court over this so a judge can force her to tell you who the OM is.. just a thought of mine.. Edited May 5, 2011 by whichwayisup
2sunny Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 I love her. Just don't want to face the facts I suppose. We get along as long as I don't pry for answers. you love her? you love that someone betrays, causes harm to you, and tosses aside your best interest - making you her doormat for just more of the same? that is NOT love. she is a liar and a cheat - she steals your chance at happiness! what are YOU gonna do about that? you gonna love her more? you gonna ask her to kick you more while you're down? that is what she's doing! man up! grow some balls - and kick her out! she's a tramp. loving a tramp doesn't make them not a tramp.
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