Felixtheecat Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 I was drawn to this site by my recent break up. With that i've thought to myself what ultimately keeps couples together, the compatibility they share or how much work they put into the relationship? People tend initially to go into a relationship because of what they have in common, yet after a break up all the differences tend to come to mind. Any relationship needs work or a form of maintenance to stay healthy, yet as was the case with my relationship, I put lots of work in without understanding the full nature of the problems I faced (seeing a counselor or reading about my issues would've helped). As a result I was like car spinning it's wheels in the mud, putting in the work, but never getting anywhere. I always assumed that there had to be a strong common ground, but to wake up everyday next to a person and continue walking alongside this person through life while being healthy took a lot of work. I say 60% common interests 40% work to maintain a relationship if I had to put a number. Perhaps relationship experience plays a role as well. I don't believe that a relationship necessarily only functions on two components either. I just imagine that these are the main ones. Opinions?
carhill Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 If my failed marriage is any indicator, the glue is a natural emotional bond, further developed and strengthened by shared life experience and challenge and success. If either or both of the parities are 'faking' it, success and/or longevity is doubtful. This perspective is predicated upon two people with healthy and grossly compatible psychologies. The 'work' is living and loving and learning. My exW and I were 'perfect' on paper, but our vastly different backgrounds and resultant psychologies threw up more roadblocks than either of us could overcome. One can only 'work' so hard before admitting failure of an insurmountable task. And so we did.
sunshinegirl Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 I like how carhill put it. Granted, I haven't been married long, but I'd say that I don't really feel that I have to do much work to stay close to my husband. I chalk that up to us being wildly compatible; we view the world similarly on a huge number of fronts. So far, the only real "work" I feel it's taken has been handling our disagreements well and being willing to apologize when wrong. So for now I think our proportions are something like 90 compatibility / 10 work... but I can easily see that changing if/when kids enter the picture!
zengirl Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 I think carhill hits on a good point. While I don't think all couples that last come into the relationship healthy and whole (hey, some people get lucky), I think that's the best way to come into one and many relationships bust up because one or both partners are simply either not healthy individuals or not psychologically compatible or not aware of what's best for them/what they want, which all comes back to self-health. All relationships take work in terms of patience and interpersonal skills. . . I mean, people are annoying. Even people you love. So, it's not letting the little stresses and annoyances tear you apart or expecting perfection or getting lazy with communicating and connecting in the day-to-day. But that should all be stuff you WANT to put effort into because you love your partner and are a healthy person who wants a healthy relationship, so most of the time, it shouldn't feel like "work" (Hey, every once and awhile, we all get frustrated even with the things that make us happiest).
Knittress Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 I've put a lot of thought into this, and I've realized that if I want to spend the rest of my life with someone - I have to find a man that values this idea as much as I do. People have different priorities in life, and while personal growth and freedom are great things, I've come to realize that my deepest desire in life is to have a build a home that children and grandchildren can keep coming back to. I think it's a beautiful thing, but this society absolutely disparages the idea of people staying together 'Just to Stay Together' - we're supposed to be in love all the time or else running off 'to find ourselves' in some far away Ashram. So I think making it work is sometimes more than just compatibility and effort, but actually valuing the idea of marriage in the first place. Lots of people don't - it's not 'progressive' and people tend to confuse commitment with dependency and create a very anti-marriage atmosphere culturally. IMO.
Eeyore79 Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 I think genuine love, compatibility and respect for the other person are the key things. I want to be with my partner, I respect him and I value our compatibility, so I am prepared to make whatever effort is necessary to make our relationship work. I will do nice things for him, I will forgive his mistakes and let go of things that annoy me, I will do my best to take care of him, because he is my sweetheart In the past I have been in relationships where I didn't truly respect my partner and we weren't compatible enough for me to value the relationship as special, so I wasn't prepared to be loving and giving and self-sacrificing. Those relationships failed; I gave up on them because I wasn't keen enough to be prepared to make the effort required.
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