allie_lgh Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 My ex and I were together for 4 years and were engaged for the last several months of the relationship. As horribly as it ended I would give anything to have him back. I wonder if I'll ever find someone else who understands me. I've been through a lot in my life and have always struggled to find someone who gets me. Most people wouldn't know it because I come off as so outgoing and social, but in reality I feel very alone in most of my world. I look at relationships (with friends and family) from my life. Friends who've known me for years and years and I know they don't really get me. People misunderstand me all the time, it's something I've just accepted. He was the only one who saw through everything...who knew who I am. He could see me no matter what was going on, no matter how hard I tried to keep him out. I don't think the issue is that I don't fully show myself to people. I do that because it hurts less when they don't understand me either way. I'm heartbroken, which I know is fueling the fire. But I wonder if he was my one chance at being seen and I destroyed that. I've never felt more connected or bare to another person in my life. People talk about soul mates and that one true person. Maybe he was mine. Just because you don't end up with that one person doesn't mean they weren't the one for you-just that you both couldn't make it work. This thought haunts me in my days.
EricaH329 Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Just because you don't end up with that one person doesn't mean they weren't the one for you-just that you both couldn't make it work. I'm so sorry you are feeling the way you are I know how badly a broken heart can hurt. But, i'll try to give you a bit of a different perspective. You say that just because a relationship doesn't work, doesn't mean they weren't the one? Doesn't that sound a bit contradictory? I mean, isn't a relationship with 'the one' supposed to work? Aren't they supposed to be 'the one'? I felt the same way you did at one point. But I realized that it doesn't mean they are the one. It just means you truly love that person, and just because a relationship with them can't work, doesn't mean you never really loved them. Of course your love is validated, don't ever feel otherwise. I believe what you should be believing, is that just because you two shared a deep love for one another, doesn't mean you are 'meant' to be together. I can't tell you if you'll ever find that type of love again, but I can tell you that if you ever find 'the one', you'll know it because you won't go a day of your life without them. Just my two cents.
hurley21 Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Allie- I am in a very similar situation to you. I read your other post as well... My ex and I had been together for 4.5 years. We were engaged when he broke it off. I have been dealing with a lot of crap over the last 2 years from my past and trying to sort out my future. We also both have that connected feeling. We finish eachother's sentences, one can be thinking a song and the other will start singing it. Soul mate level connection. However, he ALSO is very verbally and emotionally abusive to me. The same type of insults and criticisms. The idea of being without him can send me into a panic attack because I feel like I am losing too big of a part of myself. On the flip side, the fights and the abuse is too much to handle. When you love someone so much, and are so connected, they can do SO much more damage to you over the long run when they abuse you. These insults are coming from the men we consider to be our other half, the ones who are supposed to know us better than anyone else, see inside of us- so if they think such horrible things about us, we must really be horrible. That is the mind twist I find myself in all the time. I worry I won't find someone else because this ideal person rejected me- so why would anyone else see me as valuable or good once they get to know me. Are these the type of thoughts you get?
hellon Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 I don't have the answers, but I feel the same way. So just know that you aren't really "alone" in how you feel.
hellon Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 @Hurley- the "ideal" person wouldn't ever be abusive to you- that is something that is wrong with them, not you. I understand how hard it is when you feel so connected to someone, and then they're gone- but seriously, do not put someone who abused you on a pedestal.
Author allie_lgh Posted May 15, 2011 Author Posted May 15, 2011 Allie- I am in a very similar situation to you. I read your other post as well... My ex and I had been together for 4.5 years. We were engaged when he broke it off. I have been dealing with a lot of crap over the last 2 years from my past and trying to sort out my future. We also both have that connected feeling. We finish eachother's sentences, one can be thinking a song and the other will start singing it. Soul mate level connection. However, he ALSO is very verbally and emotionally abusive to me. The same type of insults and criticisms. The idea of being without him can send me into a panic attack because I feel like I am losing too big of a part of myself. On the flip side, the fights and the abuse is too much to handle. When you love someone so much, and are so connected, they can do SO much more damage to you over the long run when they abuse you. These insults are coming from the men we consider to be our other half, the ones who are supposed to know us better than anyone else, see inside of us- so if they think such horrible things about us, we must really be horrible. That is the mind twist I find myself in all the time. I worry I won't find someone else because this ideal person rejected me- so why would anyone else see me as valuable or good once they get to know me. Are these the type of thoughts you get? this is SPOT ON how I feel. maybe you and I are soul mates too but all joking aside, those thing are all I think about. They keep me up at night and wake me when I finally find some sleep. God help me.
Sugarkane Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Allie- I am in a very similar situation to you. I read your other post as well... My ex and I had been together for 4.5 years. We were engaged when he broke it off. I have been dealing with a lot of crap over the last 2 years from my past and trying to sort out my future. We also both have that connected feeling. We finish eachother's sentences, one can be thinking a song and the other will start singing it. Soul mate level connection. However, he ALSO is very verbally and emotionally abusive to me. The same type of insults and criticisms. The idea of being without him can send me into a panic attack because I feel like I am losing too big of a part of myself. On the flip side, the fights and the abuse is too much to handle. When you love someone so much, and are so connected, they can do SO much more damage to you over the long run when they abuse you. These insults are coming from the men we consider to be our other half, the ones who are supposed to know us better than anyone else, see inside of us- so if they think such horrible things about us, we must really be horrible. That is the mind twist I find myself in all the time. I worry I won't find someone else because this ideal person rejected me- so why would anyone else see me as valuable or good once they get to know me. Are these the type of thoughts you get? I was also in the same situation with my ex. I didn't realise how crap our relationship was until we brokeup. The problem is that they do it slowly and subtle, so you don't even realise that they're doing it. i'm so glad that I'm not with my ex anymore.
Maxish Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Pretty much the same as me it's hard cause i can't see myself with another girl let alone finding one i dropped everything for her and its been hard trying too get back out there. Just think of how you felt before you met him probably the same feeling now of not being able too find someone hang in there and believe in good things too come and be strong and your not alone.
69ways Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 I found the one but took me a bit to realise it. I am 31 and I know she is not coming back and I will find another but not like her. The question is what do I say or she says when our new partners as us if they are the man/woman of our lives.....
token09 Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 I feel exactly the same. I gave up all my doubts and thoughts to to fully commit to my ex, but i don't know how anyone else will ever make me feel like that again.
Kodo Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 I found the one but took me a bit to realise it. I am 31 and I know she is not coming back and I will find another but not like her. The question is what do I say or she says when our new partners as us if they are the man/woman of our lives..... The truth. That your feelings for them aren't growing and you're not able to continue/persue a relationship with them. If that's the worst of the future.. then really it's not so bad. I'd be more worried about not being able to find someone altogether.
Author allie_lgh Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 The question is what do I say or she says when our new partners as us if they are the man/woman of our lives..... that's my big fear. Finding someone to be content with, someone to be distracted with, someone to be selfish with are easy. Those superficial relationships come and go with much ease (not that I'm even at THAT point yet). But I fear that the next person I give a chance, or the next person I seriously date will never be able to recieve the same love I gave to C. I don't think I could ever again love someone that way, nor do I know if I want to. If that's true, I feel dating at all is selfish and wrong for me. Why waste anyone time when I had my "one" and don't think that "you" (being next in line) can ever change that?
GivenUp0083 Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I was single for 4 years, and 2 of those years I tried pretty hard at online dating. During that time I went out with women that weren't really my type or a good match, I just went out with them because over the years of emailing a handful of women a week, those were the only ones that would go out with me, and it ended with them having little decency or respect. When I found my last gf I knew the second I met her that we were meant to be together and every single day I woke up next to her I cherished and appreciated, because I had been through the struggles of dating to know that I truly had something great. Now that it's over, I've been trying to occupy my mind and create a better chance to meet someone new, and I've opened back up to online dating. Unfortunately I see the reality of it again....it's bull**** for guys. It's a joke, women have the pick of the litter, they do no work and pick and choose from hundreds of who to go out with. The have options to say the least. It sucks knowing I don't live up to superficial standards (like being only 5'8" which is a huge disadvantage in the profile world). I either need to get better at meeting random girls or hitting on drunk ones at bars if I ever want another shot and finding someone who will make me happy. I know my ex probably has a guy lined up already, she's never single very long. I, unfortunately, don't have that luxury of having women lining up outside my door to go out with me. It definitely makes me wonder if I will need to just accept the fact that puting effort into finding someone is worth my time. Those who say "you find it when your'e not looking" are full of it, that's a myth and everyone knows it. But, if I can erase that desire to make someone happy from my mind, maybe then I can live a fulfilling life and take advantage of the perks only a single life can offer.
Recommended Posts