allie_lgh Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 So my ex and I have a common group of friends. Because the group is an extention of my sister, most have sided with me or chose to support me in the breakup (he left me and has been very cruel since). One of my best friends, we'll call her Mel, went through a very difficult breakup about 2 yrs ago. I saw her through all of it, and even now as they're are "trying" to see where things go (aka sleeping together and hiding it from everyone) I've been there. She has been one of my supports through the breakup. A few months ago she and I met for cocktails and were talking about my breakup (he and I were inbetween trying and breaking up over and over again at this time). I told her that I want him to be able to still remain friends with who ever he wishes. She told me that she doesn't support he and I trying, but that she would like to see him too and wanted to know if it was ok with me. I was honest, I told her I don't mind at all if they're friends but that truthfully I'd feel hurt if she was sitting there telling him that us being together is a mistake when that is the opposite of what we're trying to do and what would make me happy. She said she totally understood, and as a best friend wanted to honor my friendship and probably wouldn't be chasing a friendship with him much. So I came across a conversation they had (yes I snooped, and yes I know it was wrong). She sat there and bashed me to him (he and I are broken up again, 2 weeks NC). He said how he feels as though he may be making a huge mistake throwing out our engagement and 4 yrs together, and she reassured him that he's not. that I'm crazy and that she can't even hang out with me anymore because of it. The morning after she said this to him she was texting me to meet for lunch! My issue is that because I came across this information in a sneaky way and shouldn't or couldn't know otherwise, I can't confront her for it. But I now know that I can no longer trust her and I want her to know that she messed up and betrayed me. Is there a way to break a friendship without having to state why? I'm a very honest and direct person so I've never had this issue before...
0hpenelope Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 Hope you'll be able to read this, allie. It's been a while since you posted this thread. I'm an honest and direct person too, but my mutual friends with my ex put me in a position that being honest and direct will not actually help. They were there during the very early days of our break up, but I learned that the harder, tougher days actually happen during the progression of re-learning how to live life without the ex. Meanwhile, they completely disappeared from this transition - and have now began popping up here and there more frequently than in the past 4 months. I will point out now that these mutual friends and I established what I legitimately believed were solid friendships way before I dated my ex. I don't appreciate that they weren't around for the worse parts, as it does feel like that they're willing to come out NOW because of the elapsed time and I'm much easier to bear because of that time. I don't appreciate their attempts now because they weren't there when I wasn't solid. Those friends that were? Man, some of them made time for me in the middle of the night to talk me out of whatever crazy thoughts I was thinking in my head. Where were those mutual friends? NOWHERE. Everyone's busy, you know? But how is it that the friends that were there for me were able to make time and they didn't? The answer's so simple. They chose to stay away. It was easier to make that choice as they've always "mothered" my ex. He's easier to handle because he's "simpler." So now that they're reintroducing themselves to the orbit of my life, here's what I decided to do: I will not show them how bothered I am by their absence and sudden attempts at getting in touch.I am going to give them exactly what they give me. If they send a text message, I will send one back. If they call me, I will receive their call. I can do chit chatting just fine and maintain a superficial acquaintance-ship with them. That's what I've been reduced to in the past few weeks, that's exactly what they will get.I will use other outlets to vent. They will never know the negative stuff. That's most important. The only stuff that they will know about me are positive, upbeat news. They showed me that they're sunny day friends. I've made attempts to reach out to them during the early days of the break up but the following days afterwards, no follow-ups?! No, this girl doesn't play that. I learned that people dislike, if not hate, being told that they're doing something wrong. Some things, we just have to allow space for people to realize their mistakes on their own. I think in your case, calling your friend out on her behavior will not make her realize how wrong her actions are. She has to come into this on her own, in order for her to really appreciate the lesson. Your time will come. Be smart about this. Play it cool and be detached. Seriously, the less you care, the easier distancing yourself will be. Be mad, be angry, and vent elsewhere, away from her. Find an outlet for your hurt feelings so that whenever you see her, you'll be able to act it up! Be happy, upbeat, and gradually lessen the personal information you give to her. Only stick to positive topics with her. If she asks you a direct question about things, give her exactly what she's looking for and don't elaborate on your answer. Can you fill your days up with activities? Get involved with something so you can have legitimate reasons for not seeing her. Start seeing her less and less and again, this is something that needs to happen in slow progression. Self-control on your end. She doesn't realize it, but her words against you aren't really against you. Because she's saying negative things, her own words are going to hurt her eventually. Her words are against herself. It's already started: she's going to lose you, her best friend, if she doesn't change. As for forgiveness, forgiveness isn't about turning into a doormat for her. You'll be able to establish clear boundaries with this person now. And if you decide to just break off the friendship, people will ask you questions. I hope you'll be able to think of good reasons or excuses to tell them. You already know that if anyone finds out about your snooping (I'm not judging you about that by the way, but snooping's snooping), it will reflect poorly on your part. If she knows you as well as best friends usually know each other, she'll even suspect that you found out through that method - and she'll be right. Perhaps responding in a different way - as opposed to being a direct and honest person - will bring about more favorable results. Just my long $0.02! I hope things work out for you.
Author allie_lgh Posted May 15, 2011 Author Posted May 15, 2011 thanks for your response! Things actually ended up working themselves out...kinda. My friend put the pieces together and **** hit the fan. I wrote her a letter explaining my feelings and heartbreak about her actions and long story short told her she lost my friendship. That she cannot sit and tell me she has my back and I'm her priority in the breakup (she wasn't as close to my ex as she was to me) and then stab me in the back. It isn't a clean and easy situation due to the group dynamics of my other friends but it is what it is. I'll deff. keep your suggestions in mind for the future as I'm sure she'll be coming back around at what ever point in the future.
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