lizzygrl Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 We have been married for 19 years. Like all marriages we have our highs and lows. I accepted that marriage was not going to be easy. We allowed our marriage to get to the point that we do not talk. I mean we talk about the kids the responsibilities of everyday but not talk. My H has no difficulty expressing himself but I on the other hand always challenged to even say "I love you". It has been years since I first told him I was not happy. I always felt alone with him. I took over almost every aspects of responsibility at home. His sole responsibilities were to work and drive the kids from and to school. I did the finances, worked, cooked, clean, projects around the house, oil changes, kids homework, school, you name it I did it. I would constantly asked him to help but his response was always "you got it and if I do it wrong you're going to go ahead and do it anyway". Needless to say I got tired. So I met a guy. We talked and it did got intimate. It became an understanding between us that it was only sexual. I had no feeling or intentions of leaving my H and neither was him. I just needed to first have sex and second to be wanted. As you might have guessed, my H did not touch me. We sometimes went months without having sex. He blamed his health. And I would plead for him to see a doctor. Of course he never did. So it was hard to believe that the lack of interest in me was health related. Moving 10 years later. I am still in the same boat. I was having a great conversation with a new girl friend and of course we were discussing our relationships. She finally stopped me and asked me why I was still in my relationship. I told her the same things. He was a great man, he has always been there for me, it's complicated, not that easy, etc... Finally, she said, "how can you be with someone you don't respect" Okay, this hit me hard. I had nothing to say to her. I wanted to tell her that wasn't true that I did but I couldn't because I knew the truth. I pondered on this for a couple of days try to convince myself that it was not the truth that I loved and respected him. I could not. Finally I sat him down and told him. He was surprised that I was telling him all this. He said he understood that if I wanted out -he would not stop me. The next day he called to tell me he hated me and that I was a cruel b****. Well, I figured it was my fault. No problem. I can handle the blame. He still at home. I try not contacting him. I think he is trying to do the same. I know this will be really hard. I want to tell him that if he changes and grows up, I would be willing to try again. I hesitate to that, because if I do he won't leave or try to work on himself. I have read in these threads how many women have told their husbands that they love them but not in love with them and many men have said this makes no sense. It does for me. We have shared 19 years together plus the courting. He was a great father to my 3 children. He was there when my mother passed away and when I was ill. So I do love him. I wish him the best and I know right now I am not the best for him. Maybe this makes no sense. I would like some feedback.
ShatteredReality Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Well you certainly should tell him the reasons you want out. There is no way he'll know what to work on unless you give him some insight. If you don't want to be with him anymore then perhaps the reasons you leave will spur him on to make improvements and he can be happy in the future with someone else...or possibly with you again. Does he know about the affair? And was there just the one 10 yrs ago? Did he ever stray? I completely understand loving someone and not being in love. I think it might be more of a woman thing though, as I have had a man or two point out to me that men don't function that way...although I have heard a few men say the same thing - so I think it's all dependant on experience and personality. I fall back in love with my husband constantly - which means I also fall "out of love" with him as well. He agrees the same occurs for him with me....but now it's different. We nearly split a bit over two and a half years ago - I just wasn't in love with him anymore and it was to the point I didn't see it coming back. Nor did I think he would do anything to help it come back...By the time I said anything to him I was ready to leave. I too had an affair - but for me I think it boiled down to an attempt at an exit affair. Every time I had tried to leave previously he had sucked me back in (that's how I viewed it at the time) and though it wasn't a part of some plan or thought process, it's what makes the most sense now. I was certain once I told him of the affair he would leave and we would divorce and move on. That didn't happen, needless to say, instead he finally opened his eyes to things I had tried to tell him before and eventually gave up trying to tell him over the years. He made vast changes, I worked through some of my more critical issues...and now we're actually happy together. We have some sexual frustration issues also - on my end - my drive being much higher than his....but again, we have open communication now and if it's a problem we talk about it. I don't always get what I want/need right away...but at least now he listens. It's amazing the difference. So...I am not saying you should stick around...if you want to leave then you need to leave...but I am saying you do need to tell him why. And the affair should probably be made known...though if it was just the once and it was ten years ago - unless you two are going to reconcile I am not sure it makes much of a difference now.
jstobo Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Hi lizzygrl- I am your H in this scenario and ShatteredReality knows all about my story. I can give you the other perspective. We don't understand the ILYBINILWY speech, because it usually doesn't come with all the truths. As time passes, we grow to understand really what our W was trying to say. My W had an EA and at this point I have to believe her that it didn't go further. If I were you, I would throw it all out there and tell him everything. It's the only way, he can process everything and figure out how he is going to deal with it. Also, he'll know you aren't lying to him in the future. I can't stress this enough. Let him have his emotional outbursts. He is circling the wagons right now to protect all he knows. One minute he may hate your guts and the next minute he may tell you how much he loves you. I had a major wake up call after I got the speech. Lost weight, did more around the house and with the kids. But I really hadn't fixed myself. I hadn't figured out what makes me happy. I was still relying on her to make me happy. I am six months into this and I just figured that out. I am moving on with or without my W. He may come to that realization sooner or later than me. But you need find what makes you happy and go with that. Once you become happy with yourself, you can decide if your H compliments your happiness or conflicts with it. Do yourself a favor. Get rid of the OM. It's going to cloud your judgement, while you find yourself.
change Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 But you need find what makes you happy and go with that. Once you become happy with yourself, you can decide if your H compliments your happiness or conflicts with it. Yes, yes and yes. Very difficult, but also very true.
Author lizzygrl Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 Well you certainly should tell him the reasons you want out. There is no way he'll know what to work on unless you give him some insight. If you don't want to be with him anymore then perhaps the reasons you leave will spur him on to make improvements and he can be happy in the future with someone else...or possibly with you again. Does he know about the affair? And was there just the one 10 yrs ago? Did he ever stray? I tried to but he is not listening at the moment. I truly want him to work on himself and become a better person. Get into hobbys, find friends, be independent, etc.. I told him a couple of years ago about my affair and I truly thought he was going to leave then. I can not explain it but he seems to push or avoid anything bad about us. He never wants to talk about negative things. Reason why I stopped talking to him about my feelings. That I know of he never has had a physical affair. I always have had suspension of an EA.
Author lizzygrl Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 Hi lizzygrl- I am your H in this scenario and ShatteredReality knows all about my story. I can give you the other perspective. We don't understand the ILYBINILWY speech, because it usually doesn't come with all the truths. As time passes, we grow to understand really what our W was trying to say. My W had an EA and at this point I have to believe her that it didn't go further. If I were you, I would throw it all out there and tell him everything. It's the only way, he can process everything and figure out how he is going to deal with it. Also, he'll know you aren't lying to him in the future. I completely agree with you. I want him to deal with it. If he hates me and it is over fine. If he wants to work on it, thats fine too. I do need him to put an effort it to it though. I can't stress this enough. Let him have his emotional outbursts. He is circling the wagons right now to protect all he knows. One minute he may hate your guts and the next minute he may tell you how much he loves you. I had a major wake up call after I got the speech. Lost weight, did more around the house and with the kids. But I really hadn't fixed myself. I hadn't figured out what makes me happy. I was still relying on her to make me happy. I am six months into this and I just figured that out. I am moving on with or without my W. He may come to that realization sooner or later than me. But you need find what makes you happy and go with that. Once you become happy with yourself, you can decide if your H compliments your happiness or conflicts with it. Do yourself a favor. Get rid of the OM. It's going to cloud your judgement, while you find yourself. Since the OM has always been there for physical needs, I never felt he was in the way or cloud my judgement. I will not be seeing him while me and H are going through this. I want be honest and straight forward as I can with my H. And as they say "let the chips fall where they may"
Chi townD Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 The only time a wife or girlfriend gives the ILYBINILWY speech is when there IS an OM in the picture. I think that you are lying to yourself if you say your not going to contact the OM while you're dealing with this with your H. Couple of questions, does your H know about the OM and the ongoing affair? Did you two even consider counseling?
ShatteredReality Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 The only time a wife or girlfriend gives the ILYBINILWY speech is when there IS an OM in the picture. I think that you are lying to yourself if you say your not going to contact the OM while you're dealing with this with your H. Couple of questions, does your H know about the OM and the ongoing affair? Did you two even consider counseling? I have a friend right now with no OM and no EA or PA in recent history (Possibly not at all in their 8y of marriage) and she feels that way about her H. So this isn't always true. While it's the NORM - it's not always true. I think more than anything the affair comes about because that's how a person already feels but hasn't given the speach yet. Not that that justifies it - it does not. Just saying - if the speach came before the affair I think many affairs would be avoided by tackling the problem head on. I can't stress this enough. Let him have his emotional outbursts. He is circling the wagons right now to protect all he knows. One minute he may hate your guts and the next minute he may tell you how much he loves you. I had a major wake up call after I got the speech. Lost weight, did more around the house and with the kids. But I really hadn't fixed myself. I hadn't figured out what makes me happy. I was still relying on her to make me happy. I am six months into this and I just figured that out. I am moving on with or without my W. He may come to that realization sooner or later than me. But you need find what makes you happy and go with that. Once you become happy with yourself, you can decide if your H compliments your happiness or conflicts with it. Do yourself a favor. Get rid of the OM. It's going to cloud your judgement, while you find yourself. Trust me when I say Jstobo is correct here. I know how difficult it is to put up with anything more when you feel like you've been drained of every bit of yourself - but he is still the father of your children and even though you have no passion toward him right now, you do still love him. And...you've just taken his entire world and turned it upsidedown and inside out. He is allowed to be emotional now. Do not let him abuse you verbally or otherwise - but also don't turn a cold shoulder to his pain if you can help it. It was very hard for me to be there for my H emotionally when everything happened because I felt I spent all those years being the strong one, the one that wasn't allowed to have a weak moment or drop the ball...I didn't cry for years, I didn't take "sick days" even when I was sick, I poured all of my effort into a marriage that I didn't want to be a part of. When I realized that I would be happier if I left I also felt a huge wash of guilt for thinking of myself. I spent years tending to his emotional needs and neglecting my own...before OM I had begun to lose weight and eat healthier - to actually take care of myself. That was when I realized I was killing myself slowly by giving him everything and keeping nothing for myself....that was when I realized I was not only not in love with him anymore, but I resented him in many ways. So...all of my previous attempts to plead with him to listen and to make changes - they had been tossed aside and ignored by him. I finally decided I was leaving. When I punched that hole in his world he was forced to take a step back and listen if he wanted to keep his family together. He cried, he threw things, he screamed at me, he begged, he wrote me letters, he bought me gifts, he obsessively checked up on me, he spontaneously didn't want to be anywhere near me...it was a rollercoaster if I have ever been on one. I just wanted to get off the dang thing and move on... He woke up though. We both went to MC and IC. They told us we didn't need MC but that he needed IC. After four sessions my counselor told me I didn't need IC. I know all the problems were not his...but what I came to find was that his were so large they seemed to negate mine - apart from the affair - that was huge. Everything before it, though...so we reached a point of starting over, putting all the past in the past and moving forward. All the pain and tears later - I can honestly say it was worth it. If you are looking for reconciliation or even on a scale of 1-10 if you're a 1, then I would advise giving him a minute to digest what's happened and honestly see if moving forward together is an option. I tried to but he is not listening at the moment. I truly want him to work on himself and become a better person. Get into hobbys, find friends, be independent, etc.. I told him a couple of years ago about my affair and I truly thought he was going to leave then. I can not explain it but he seems to push or avoid anything bad about us. He never wants to talk about negative things. Reason why I stopped talking to him about my feelings. That I know of he never has had a physical affair. I always have had suspension of an EA. He may listen once everything settles down and he has time to think beyond the emotions. And he may have had an EA...or he may not have...it's best if you both put everything on the table...everything he's done and everything you've done. YOU have nothing to lose here - you are already wanting to leave...so at this point doing this will help to see if there is a future for you two...also, as I said, list for him the reasons you want to leave. He may not listen...he may not like it...but at some point he may realize you were being honest and open and then he can work on those things for himself hopefully.... You need to get rid of OM because even if he is just for physical gratification he is in the way. If you find it hard not to contact him during this time then you will know it even more that he is in the way without you realizing it even. Buy a toy if you're that hard up - but for now you need a clear head and you need to be happy with YOU - you need to work on yourself at this time also...no man is going to help you with that and any man other than your husband will only serve to complicate matters more. Even if you're not emotionally connected he may be...which can become a huge problem.
Author lizzygrl Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 I trully appreciated everyones input. It helps me think. Chi townD- I am seeking IC for myself. He has never been open to the idea. ShatteredReality- You truly touched a nerve with your experience. Thank you for sharing. He finally called me and asked if we can talk. I keep telling myself, I dont want hear him beg or plea for me. Yet I know I have to be kind and understanding. Eventhough me and OM do not talk abt our spouses we can tell when something is wrong. You are right I will get rid of OM. If I want my marriage to work I have to work on myself too. That means taking full responsabilities of my faults and actions against this marriage. I do love the idea of getting me a toy. H never allowed me get one. I guess it really dont matter now. LOL Again thank you!
Author lizzygrl Posted May 5, 2011 Author Posted May 5, 2011 We finally were able to talk. I was so surprise on how upset he was. He did not beg or plea. Which I was very happy to see. He was hurt I could tell in his eyes. And of course that hurt me. We talked and talked and for a change he actually listened. He does not want a separation but is willing to work on himself. I told him that was going to be hard to believe because this has happened before. And things have never changed specially if I became physical with him in any way. He would forget anything ever happened and we fall back to the same routine. Well to not bore, we decided he can stay at home in another room. We were seeking help (both of us) and if the MC thought we needed to separate further we would. Just him agreeing to see a MC was a big step for me. I made an appt with my counselor for next week and we should go from there. I did suggest to him not to communicate with me unless we had to. He did not like that but he kindly agreed. Was that asking for to much? Like I said before I am open to fix this marriage but dont want fall back to the same.
ShatteredReality Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 I would not close off communication. You've made a break through here. If anything I think you should open the floodgates of communication. If there is something bothering either of you you should tell the other and handle it with as much respect toward one another as you can muster. Not that this is the time for cheap shots or to bring out pet peeves...rather if you do something that hurts him that he's never expressed now would be the time to tell you - and vice versa. Yes counselling is great - it's a tool though, not a fix. The person you meet with is still going to be a human capable of making mistakes and giving bad advice - even with the degrees backing their knowledge...so you have to learn to communicate with one another...starting now would be nice. It will give you more to talk about during your session, which you can view as guidance or lessons on how to communicate better with eachother. The seperate spaces in the same house is a great idea though. This is progress!!
cyabye Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 we decided he can stay at home in another room. Wow, that's mighty nice of you considering you ARE the one cheating. If I was your husband, I would divorce you and set you free to see your OM as much as you want. As long as an OM is in the picture, any attempts at reconciling are futile and pointless. cya
Chi townD Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Why do I have the feeling that her husband is still unaware of her ongoing affair? And when you did tell him about it years ago, it's no wonder he doesn't want to touch you intimately, I wouldn't either! It may seem that he pushed it away and doesn't want to talk about negative stuff, but to be honest...You cut him to the core. You tore out his heart and stomped on it and you aren't even aware of it. If the roles were reversed and you found out he had a girl on the side, would you be so understanding? He is hurting, he has been emasculated, his male ego is gone. You said you wanted him to get out more, to find interests, make friends; get a hobby. So, you're telling me he's a bump on a log. Did you ever consider that he is in a DEEP depression that could very well be a result of your affair? You wrote that, that man has stood by you through the toughest times of your life. Through your illness and the loss of your parent. Time to stop thinking of yourself and start caring for him. That man is hurt and he is broken. And whether you agree with this post or not, you had a hand in that.
Author lizzygrl Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 Chi townD- I completely agree with you. I am the one to blame here. He is aware of the affair. And I understand I hurt him deeply. He does not have to forgive me or take me back. The only thing I can tell you is that if I am the reason he is in "DEEP depression" then he needs to get help. He needs to seek out counselling. No matter how much I care or take care of him, I will never fix his problem HE has to want and make an effort to get better. cyabye- I would gladly leave him the house and I would leave but there are other issues to consider here. I have a handicap brother that I care for. I build a special room and bathroom to help me care for him better at home. And if we do decide to get a divorce all assets will be divided equally. The OM is not in the picture anymore. I truly want to work on this marriage. If H makes an effort to face our issues then I am willing to give it my all. ShatteredReality- Thanks for the comments. I cut off communication because I dont want to hurt him or say something negative. This is without saying but I have a lot issue myself I need to take care of. I wanted to get some advice first before I spoke to him about our issues. Wanted to makes sure I approached it right. I have notice that we have become a united front when it comes to our adult kids. This is progress, right?
Author lizzygrl Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 As we sit there and discuss our marriage he asks, " Do you love me?" I respond, “ I care for you, but I am not in love with you”. Of course I get the blank stare. Then his next question is, “ so, if you don’t love me, why should we try?” Great! My weak answer is, “ because I care for us and want give us a try.” I really didn’t have an answer but I didn’t want to not give him one. I know. I am a terrible person. He deserves better.
ShatteredReality Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 As we sit there and discuss our marriage he asks, " Do you love me?" I respond, “ I care for you, but I am not in love with you”. Of course I get the blank stare. Then his next question is, “ so, if you don’t love me, why should we try?” Great! My weak answer is, “ because I care for us and want give us a try.” I really didn’t have an answer but I didn’t want to not give him one. I know. I am a terrible person. He deserves better. Most guys don't understand how a woman can love them without being in love with them. They automatically equate loving with being in love....it's better if you explain to them what the difference is...You love him like you would a cousin/brother/good friend....you love him and want what's best for him, but there's no romantic love for him - and there's supposed to be. If you want to give this a try and he wants to give this a try then I say go for it...if all the chips are out on the table then you guys can start a new relationship. It takes a lot of effort on both sides...and it might not take that effort at the same time...you could take turns. You're used to doing all the work...maybe tell him that you've been burned out by doing all the work....tell him you need for him to show you that he can too. Listen, I understand exactly what you mean - he deserves better and all that good stuff. Well....So do you. You deserve better from yourself....and if you give yourself that "better" then you will have it to give to him. You will have the rest of your life to try to work through your guilt...and you will have plenty of people willing to stand in judgement over your actions - all of them feeling that, even though they've made mistakes, yours are worse and they need to make sure you're aware of it. That's not healthy though. You know the wrongs you've done...now you have to mourn the things that you lost as a result of those wrongs....innocence or self respect....whatever you lost - trust me you lost something. Mourn it. Forgive yourself. Move forward. You will spend the next several years remembering things and the better person you become the worse you'll feel about those things. So right now you have to do what you can to heal yourself and if you really feel he deserves better then it's time to become that person you feel he deserves. At the same time, of course, he needs to make the changes needed to deserve that person.
Chi townD Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Wow...just...wow... I am pro-marriage and I'll be the first to tell people to work through their problems, but I have to say......just let him go. I agree with the guy you married. You don't love him, why even try. To me it sounds like you're just going through the motions. Hell, you even admitted to me that you are responsible for his depression. But, I'm sorry to say. What it read to me was, "Yes, I broke him but he has to fix it; not my problem" Maybe it's not fair to me to say because, honestly, I don't know you personally and I don't know what you two have been through. However, you're responses feel cold, unremorseful and lacking any regret. And if I'm feeling it, I can only imagine what he must feel being around you. If you don't love him, you don't have a marriage. Let him go, move out and divorce him; never talk to him again. Then you're free to hook up with your MO that I have a feeling your STILL in contact with even though you agreed not to see him. I just get this feeling that your still exchanging e-mails and texts. If I'm wrong, I apologize. However, just to let you know that relationships that start out from an affair RARELY ever work out. I believe it's like 7%. Get a divorce and never contact him again. Let him heal and find someone that will love him. I'm sorry for being so forward, but it is what it is.
Author lizzygrl Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 Chi townD- Thank you for your opinion. You are right about the affair. It was my fault. I should not have done it. And I can sit here and give you all of my excuses but the fact is I messed up. Now I never agreed to you that I caused the depression in him. What I said was," if I am the reason he is in "DEEP depression" then he needs to get help". One thing that I can tell you is that after many years of him rejecting me I had the affair. Like I said it may sound like an excuse to you but to me it was a devastating feeling being rejected constantly by your H and not knowing why. I thought he wasnt attracted to me to he had OW. I cant explain to you the hurt that one feels when you have H in the bed right next to you and yet you feel so alone. So I cheated (not proud) but it helped me realize that he wasnt the only man out there capable of finding me attractive, desirable or even loved. I constantly tried talking to him about the issues before the affair and he never listened. After the affair I did change. I never asked or begged him for some affection and our lives just moved on. I kept removing him slowly out of my life. In ways that I would not ask him for anything. Yet when he needed something I was there. It got to the point that my oldest son was my right hand. We fixed our (my H too) cars together and even placed the tile on the house. And I never asked H for help. He was happy with this arrangement. He didnt have to worry about anything- other than himself. Now abt the OM- he’s not in the picture now. Like I said before it has always been a physical arrangement. I never thought I would leave my H and he will never leave his W. If we text 10 times in a year its alot. And it has been a long time since we even saw each other. I dont feel it’s his sole responsibility to fix everything now but I do expect him to at least want to and make an effort. Is that too much to ask from him? To at least try?
Author lizzygrl Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 ShatteredReality- Thank you for your insight. You are right I have lost a lot throughout the years. I would like to keep communication going but I am so scared he will believe he has won and will regress to his old self. Maybe I am being so selfish like others have said but I am so scared I will fall back to the same old ways.
jstobo Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 ShatteredReality- Thank you for your insight. You are right I have lost a lot throughout the years. I would like to keep communication going but I am so scared he will believe he has won and will regress to his old self. Maybe I am being so selfish like others have said but I am so scared I will fall back to the same old ways. Wow, I can't believe the impact your statement just had on me. I have posted on your thread before because I am the H in your scenario. Although my W hasn't admitted to a Physical Affair, only an Emotional Affair. Anyway, we are in separate homes and three weeks ago, my W decided she wanted to try again. But she is treating this exactly how you would first dating a man. No kiss the first date, a little affection the second date and haven't had the third yet. But dammit, this is my W, we have 13 years of history. I want the third date now!! She's going EXTREMELY slow. Why am I telling you this? I think my W is so scared things will quickly go back to normal, she is staying extremely guarded. The effect that has on me is very negative. She left the marriage and is now having second thoughts. She said the ILYBINILWY speech, yet I need to pursue pursue pursue? She's holding back soooo much because of fear, yet she's expecting me to knock all my walls down, change all the things that bothered her, be patient AND have all the confidence inside that she truly wants to be with me. That is very very tough. I would say, since you're asking him to be vulnerable and confident that his changes will bring you back together, than please allow yourself to be vulnerable, so he knows its working!!
ShatteredReality Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 ShatteredReality- Thank you for your insight. You are right I have lost a lot throughout the years. I would like to keep communication going but I am so scared he will believe he has won and will regress to his old self. Maybe I am being so selfish like others have said but I am so scared I will fall back to the same old ways. Open communication is crucial. You have nothing left to lose with him. You started this thing ready to walk away from the marriage - so being open and honest will either help fix it or he won't be able to handle it and he will leave. Either way you will be able to pick up the pieces and move forward. I am saying this out of experience, but also out of common sense - honesty is even more crucial beause you have an affair in the history of the marriage. It's the only way he will ever regain trust in you and part of why you have fear is because there is a lack of trust. Also, if he can't trust you, you will never be able to trust him. It's just how things work. What you need to work on here is better explaining yourself to him in a language he understands. There is a reason there are so many insightful books out there for men on how to handle women and for women on how to handle men. We're different. All human, yes, but different methods of working things out in our brains/hearts. You say "I love you, but I am no longer IN LOVE with you" and you mean, "I love you. I care for you. I don't want more harm to come to you. I want to see you happy. I want you to heal and to work on your problems. But I have no passion toward you, you don't sweep me off my feet or make me feel like a woman anymore. You make me feel like just another person and a husband is supposed to make a wife feel like the only woman in the room." Well you mean something like that at least. What he hears - "I don't love you. I hate you. Go away you make me sick. And please don't try to touch me cause that will make me vomit" Or something along those lines. (Correct me if I am wrong Jstobo if you read this). So you have to learn to explain what you mean...even if it takes more effort...and he needs to learn to tell you how he's hearing things. A good thing here would be to say just that "I think sometimes you misunderstand what I say - I would like sometimes for you to repeat back what I say the way that you hear it so I can tell you if that's how I meant it". The flip to this coin is that you have to do the same with him. It's the best way to learn eachothers individual language. I have key words I say that my husband recognizes as me getting angry or upset that a normal person would never key into...and vice versa...we have taught eachother our languages over the past couple of years and I cannot express how vital that's been to our recovery. Right now you're going to feel the need to be selfish because you're scared. You don't want to trap yourself into the same situation where he can return to his old self and you wallow in misery and all of this pain was for nothing. Make a list. My counselor told me to do this...I did not share this list with my H. I had very specific things on it. To share - he liked to take oxycodon to try to treat his depression before he got on meds...and even after. So on my list was - If he does his 5 more times I will leave. I will not live with an addict. When he was in great pain he would cut himself with a box cutter. On my list I said if he does this 2 more times I will leave - I cannot watch this go on. I told him I made the list. I told him a few of the things on it. I did not tell him how many chances he had until I left. I look at that list now and I wonder if I would leave if he cut himself twice now...he hasn't in so long does that restart the process? But hopefully I won't be faced with these decisions as we communicate much better now and my fears are much less. I am not saying your fears aren't valid - they very much are...but to be fair you have to give him the chance to change before you decide to run away "just in case". If you begin to feel something for him - tell him - don't make him guess. If he begins to revert to old habits just because you told him that then tell him that also. This is going to be a process....no one says it's easy...but he's your husband and has a history with you worth fighting for....he needs to put in work now where he didn't for so long. But like a child...(I am not calling him one, just saying like one) he needs to know if that work is paying off or he'll begin to wonder if he's just chasing his tail. Like when kids are learning something new...you give them a small treat...and if they learn it all the way maybe a bigger one...a sticker for each good thing and then a trip to the movies when it's all said and done...make sense at all??? I would say, since you're asking him to be vulnerable and confident that his changes will bring you back together, than please allow yourself to be vulnerable, so he knows its working!! K that's the short version of what I said above if you wanna just stop reading my post and read his.
Author lizzygrl Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 jstobo & ShatteredReality- Thank you for your comments. I truly appreciate to hear other peoples perspective on things. I talked to the IC today and I laughed when she told me the same thing that has been said here. Truly shows how insightful this forum is.. I need to learn how to communicate better with him. Prove to him he can trust me. And to show him how I truly feel. I understand this will take work and this marriage took over 19 years to be bruised and hurt. So, it will take time for it heal on both parts. We are spending this weekend together (H bday) away from family. He told me he just wanted to have fun. I agreed. jstobo- please be patience with your wife. I know it's hard but if it's worth it, you can do it. I can tell you by reading your threads it sounds like she wants to be won over. And as you know we women are complicated creatures and as such we take work.
ShatteredReality Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 jstobo & ShatteredReality- Thank you for your comments. I truly appreciate to hear other peoples perspective on things. I talked to the IC today and I laughed when she told me the same thing that has been said here. Truly shows how insightful this forum is.. I need to learn how to communicate better with him. Prove to him he can trust me. And to show him how I truly feel. I understand this will take work and this marriage took over 19 years to be bruised and hurt. So, it will take time for it heal on both parts. We are spending this weekend together (H bday) away from family. He told me he just wanted to have fun. I agreed. jstobo- please be patience with your wife. I know it's hard but if it's worth it, you can do it. I can tell you by reading your threads it sounds like she wants to be won over. And as you know we women are complicated creatures and as such we take work. There you have it - the bolded part. It didn't happen in a day or two...it didn't happen in a week even...it was over a long period of time. The good news is...it won't take 19yrs to heal. It will take a long time, but if you both work at it you'll walk out of this thing a stronger couple for having fought to stay together. And once it's gotten to that point you will hopefully both be able to put the past away and it won't be a factor anymore.
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