telling the cheaters spouse

[Mike_d]

I have an interesting dilemma, if you read my initial post I left my 15 yr relationship because of emotional cheating/deciet that ended up in an affair. no more trust, no more relationship.

 

I've finally opened up to my kids about what happened - they are not happy campers at all, should be interesting to see what happens there. But one of my daughters was pretty insistent that I tell this guys wife, she felt that the innocent wife had the right to know.

 

I've mulled this before when I was feeling the need to blow this guys relationship up in retaliation but just wasn't that into the drama in the end. But, in thinking about it, I would 1000% want to know if I was the innocent victim in this. So I'm mulling about getting in contact with this guys wife.

 

I've thought about flying down to San Diego, calling her (have all their contact info) and introducing myself and letting her know and then see what she wants to do. but here is the deal, I don't want to do it myself. too much drama, don't really need it for any sort of closure or anything on my end. It would be a sign to me that I'm still too involved in my ex if I wanted to do this myself. But given that I would want to know if it was me I'm feeling like I should do this somehow, but how.

 

Thought about hiring an atty, have the atty call, say I have info, if you want to know then here is my address and have him present the info to her in person in his office, else we won't be back in contact again if you don't want to know.

 

But thought I'd throw this out there, see what sort of feedback/ideas the community had.

Edited May 4, 2011 by Mike_d

[ShatteredReality]

After my A I wanted to tell the wife. I felt horribly guilty about NOT telling her...I met her like three times after the A (we worked together and she came in - never before oddly enough) and the guilt made me act a little funny around her. Since she didn't know me she didn't know I wasn't just some odd person who had strange reactions to everything she said - but ultimately I did not say anything. I consulted a friend for advice on this (wasn't on LS yet) and she told me basically that while she would want to know if her H cheated on her (this particular friend her H DID and she found out and kicked him out), that coming from a stranger would not be good. You can well the woman she has to tell her H or you will...but ultimately, even if you come storming in with proof...it's not your place to tell this guy. It's hers. Or someone else close to him. He may not even believe you entirely...and she may be able to spin some horrible story about you that makes him ignore it. So all in all...while the guy has a right to know, you're not the one to tell him. Now...if YOUR Ex wants to tell him...that's up to her...she has a right to do that...but he still may not believe HER either.

[neverendingdrama]

you would think they would want to know . They are being lied to and cheated on , but in the end you will become the " crazy EX". They are being so manipulated they will not believe a word you say .

 

Went through this a month ago. The day of the dumping I retrieved my Ipad I let him borrow from his car. Opened it and his email was wide open. Saw her pics to his email and her number. Texted her and wanted answers. Got a nice call from their mutual friend who set them up because he was " single". She was kind of shocked but after the liar got his word in , the girl was back in the picture.

 

Not to mention if they are in the mood to screw with you ( all of them ) , they could try and get you on harrasement charges , even if the contact of any kind is not " harrasing " . It is considered unwanted contact. I sent the girl 2 texts . One asking who she was and I needed some answers and another saying sorry to even contact her in the first place , he was not worth it.

 

Due to the above paragraph I decided not to contact my ex's sister in law and tell her that her husband has been having an affair behind her back and he was suicidal. Must be a family tradition .

 

Back away from their dysfunction and let them all self distruct. It will happen.

[2sure]

As a BS yourself...you know that , as difficult as it is, you should tell the other BS.

 

She may want to shoot the messenger, she may not believe you.

 

All you have to do is send her an email or a note, make a phone call.

If she wants more information then she will ask.

 

Its hard, but its the right thing to do.

[neverendingdrama]

but I know how crappy it feels to be profiled as the " crazy ex" , when all you are trying to do is save someone from heart ache . We at one point were crazy - when we were with them.

 

It starts the hurt all over again.

[ShatteredReality]

Sorry...misread - you're the BS, right? - you have a right to tell her, but she may not believe you and it could turn ugly....However AS the BS you have a right to tell her if you feel she should know.