Boyfriend broke up with me, but he still wants to go on our planned trips?

May 4, 2011

My boyfriend of 3 months broke up with me, and put me into the friends zone. He says it's about a 1% chance that we get back together -- something miraculous would have to happen.

But he still wants to go on the "couples trip" we had planned with my best friend and his girlfriend in July to a water park area, as well as on a longer road trip to the southern US we had planned. It seems like a lot of time to be spending alone in cars and sharing hotel rooms for someone who is supposedly an "ex".

My best friend said that it's clear that this guy is lying to me, that to him it's all about the chase or the capture. His advice was to give NO CONTACT, and that given a previous conversation I had with my ex wasn't finished, this will keep him wondering what's going on and why I'm suddenly not talking to him, and that I should let him contact me first. When he does contact me, tell him that I think the breakup was for the best. He was quite a womanizer and knows all these little games and told me that I just have to play back and play better.

I'm so confused. I don't want to wind up as my EX's emotional tampon by being a passive "friend". Is my ex trying to mess with my mind, or is this trip a chance to re-kindle our relationship?

And is my friend offering me sound advice? I'm torn because we really were aligned on the deep values and stuff like that.

May 4, 2011

He's lying.

Ask yourself, why do you want to be with a man who doesn't want to be committed to you but wants to go on a trip with you? Sounds like he just wants you for shag (Sorry to put it this way.)

Be happy that this relationship only lasted for 3 months and he showed his fox's tail out to you.

1% of chance to get back, I will rather you spend 100% on yourself to move on and away from this person.

He's is trying to string you along and mess with you head. This is definitely, 100% not a behavior that he wants to be with you again for real.

You want to be actively chosen and not settled for.

Your friend's advice is right, spot on and bingo. NC is the way to go now.

Also, don't be friends with your ex. Seriously, he doesn't deserve it. It sounds like he is playing with you.

May 4, 2011

I'm sorry I have to say this. What a douchebag.

He wants you on his terms. He's telling you it's about 1% chance that you guys get together? Like Fufu said, invest 100% on yourself and let this guy go. If you still go with him after he has laid out his terms, this will be an indication that you will settle and abide by his terms and soon enough he will be molding and manipulating you to dance to his every tune.

Please listen to your friend. I find it so disrespectful for him to throw 1% at you and feel entitled to have you around the way he desires.

He's probably played this game before. By no means is he using this trip to rekindle the relationship. He said it's a 1% chance. When they tell you something you don't want to hear, please LISTEN and ACCEPT. If he wanted to rekindle, he wouldn't need to go on a trip. He'd be banging on your door wanting to be with you.

You said you both were aligned with deep values but judging from his selfish and immature behavior and the possibility of him being a womanizer/game playing -- I wonder if you should start really examining the type of values you want from a man. An honorable man will not toy and manipulate and lie to you this way. He would let you go in a dignified manner knowing that deep down inside he can't give you what you want and save you from hurt.

Listen to your friend. You're so much more valuable and worthy than just a mere 1%.

May 4, 2011

That is where I'm frustrated.

Prior to this happening, we were basically friends with benefits. He relentlessly pursued me for 6 months or so, but I held him at bay. We'd get together on occasion for a movie, dinner, a drive, a hookup, whatever. It was loosely defined, and fun.

When we became official it happened during a time when

1. we hung out so much that people started asking about what we were

2. my best friend was having legal issues and court-ordered to a year-long treatment program, which caused me to be emotionally vulnerable.

So I entered into a relationship and had gone from being pursued into being pursuer. My Ex isn't dumb and he recognized this too. So in trying to play the role of the "good boyfriend" who was still upset over the loss of his best friend, I actually was allowing myself to be walked on and my Ex ultimately defined the terms. I was too upset about my best friend to really do any differently -- I think my EX latched on to this the day my best friend went to treatment. I had no one to turn to, so my Ex had me over and I cried in his arms. Not full-out balling, but I was clearly emotionally distressed, as my last moments with Garrett were truly very depressing and we both were already trying to hold back tears and accept what was to come. The friendship between myself and my best friend is stronger than others most people I know have ever seen, and most people simply don't understand.

Thinking back, what I want right now is just to have things scaled back with my ex from where they were. I preferred the time period before we defined anything between us. This was a lot more fun and far less stress to be honest. Neither one of us defined anything and we always just ended up having fun together whether it be going to movies or naked fun.

So I actually DO think the breakup was for the best. But I don't want him out of my life completely, nor do I want him to define the terms. I refuse to be trampled on. I just liked it better when we could watch a movie on the couch, snuggle, bang, and still be friends.

Is that unrealistic? Do you think we can get that back? I figure if things progress beyond that, fine, but I won't be so quick as to jump into something so quickly again because I missed the emotional connection I had with my best friend.

And if so, is No Contact the best policy anymore, or would it be better to call him off and finish the unfinished conversation? No begging, no asking. Just telling him my thoughts -- either he says YES or he says NO and at least I can move on. (Obviously I want him to say YES.)

Right now I just feel like I'm being mind-****ed.

(PS: My friend who advised no contact also says that my Ex is lying about the 1%... because if he wanted nothing to do with me, he wouldn't be trying to go on a long vacation with me out-of-state an spend THAT much time with me. It's not like spending a few hours -- it's spending over 200 hours together. No ex who really was trying to let the other down easily would do that)

Edited May 4, 2011 by tlsguy

May 4, 2011

I don't think your ex is lying about the 1%. He probably wants what you had pre-relationship. And if he tells you upfront that there is no possibility of you getting together again romantically, and you still go ahead with the trip with him, that will be an indication to him that you have no expectations and you're fine going on his terms (whatever his terms are in his head). He is not held responsible for whatever happens after that. He's going on a long vacation, out-of-state to have you on his terms. That's all. You did have a FWB thing going on with him and probably feels that if he is upfront about 1%, and you still go then there is a possibilty of getting you back again on those terms. And yes, there are exs that let you down easily and still want you in their life in some capacity and on their terms, after the breakup.

I don't know how emotionally attached you are with this guy but if your are, then trying to scale back and go back to what it was is almost impossible to do. If you are broken hearted, now is not the time to watch a movie, snuggle, get naked and have sex. Be careful. You may think you can get back to the FWB agreement after being in a relationship but I believe you are kidding yourself.

If you miss the emotional connection, I don't see how you can go back to just being friends with benefits, because that type of dynamic can only work when both are not invested emotionally.

May 4, 2011

I'm going to stay NC as long as possible. His birthday is on the 26th, so I may give him a call to wish him a nice day. I don't really hate him at all, and just wish he was able to see me when my best friend is in my life, as I truly am much happier and feel "whole". I wish I had invited my ex into my life a bit sooner so he would've been able to chill with my group. He only was able to once, the weekend before my best friend went off to treatment.

The thing is, we never actually finished our breakup conversation. He told me to call him back on Sunday after 7, and I never did because I needed time to think, and around then is when I was advised to keep it NC because if I didn't call back I'd keep him wondering why I didn't call.

I'm debating if this was a good move or not, as I do feel that there are some loose strings we need to wrap up and so did he.

Would it be a good idea to break NC to get that out of the way?

Edited May 4, 2011 by tlsguy

May 5, 2011

You're broken up and you've been broken up for a bit now. It's one thing to get everything you need to say out of the way during the breakup but post breakup -- going back and tying loose ends about the breakup??? Or are you looking for reasons to make contact and test the waters? All you need to know to tie up all the loose ends is that you mean "1%" to him and the fact that it's ended and all that matters now is that you move on and stay NC.

May 5, 2011

We broke up on Saturday....and the NC is good because it's helped me to clarify my thoughts towards him.

I'm debating whether NC is really the best strategy long term. The 1% refers to what he called the "foreseeable future" but he admitted he doesn't know what is beyond that. He also communicated that he really wanted to put this water under the bridge when we were breaking up. Before we were FWB we were just friends. We've known each other for a year, and only dated 3 months of that time.

IF we were able to return to friends I really wouldn't mind it. We basically decided to give a "go" at dating, even though I was never in a gay relationship before. It didn't work. I'm just wary about becoming an emotional tampon.

Like I said, I don't hate him, and I'm not mad at him. We just came from different understandings of what it means to be gay and I never understood how he had so many online friends whereas he didn't understand my extremely close-knit bond with my best friend. I treated him similar to how I've treated women I've dated, without realizing that a male-male relationship has a completely different dynamic... and his testosterone and my emotional weakness at the lost of my best friend caused issues for us as a couple.

I'd really hate to throw away a friendship. I just need time to think about things right now.

But he did request a phone call back, a request I didn't honor. It's been less than a week, I don't consider that "quite some time". By his birthday it would be...

Normally I agree about going NC completely as I have done this before with EVERY past relationship I've been, with the exception of one. It really does work. I'm just not sure if it's the right choice long-term since we started as friends, then FWB, then boyfriends. It's not like we just jumped into dating out of the blue. We had already known each other.

Edited May 5, 2011 by tlsguy

May 5, 2011

Seriously, I wouldn't even want to be friend with such person.

May 5, 2011

I believe you will do what you want to do and what is best for you. Good luck.

May 5, 2011

My boyfriend of 3 months broke up with me, and put me into the friends zone. He says it's about a 1% chance that we get back together -- something miraculous would have to happen.

But he still wants to go on the "couples trip" we had planned with my best friend and his girlfriend in July to a water park area, as well as on a longer road trip to the southern US we had planned. It seems like a lot of time to be spending alone in cars and sharing hotel rooms for someone who is supposedly an "ex".

My best friend said that it's clear that this guy is lying to me, that to him it's all about the chase or the capture. His advice was to give NO CONTACT, and that given a previous conversation I had with my ex wasn't finished, this will keep him wondering what's going on and why I'm suddenly not talking to him, and that I should let him contact me first. When he does contact me, tell him that I think the breakup was for the best. He was quite a womanizer and knows all these little games and told me that I just have to play back and play better.

I'm so confused. I don't want to wind up as my EX's emotional tampon by being a passive "friend". Is my ex trying to mess with my mind, or is this trip a chance to re-kindle our relationship?

And is my friend offering me sound advice? I'm torn because we really were aligned on the deep values and stuff like that.

The minute you are no longer a "couple". That is automatic disqualification for anything that is for "couples". Tell him he has been replaced for the trip. See how MIRACULOUS that is. LOL!

May 5, 2011

HAHA I agree with Mimolicous 100%

That 1% line was garbage. He sounds like a total immature, emotionally unavailable loser. He needs to be dropped to No Contact NOW!

Of course knowing his type this might drive him wild and have him coming around you more but stick to no contact. He's no good. Trust.

He might even try the manipulative approach and tell you you're being childish or immature by not talking to him. Don't back down.

May 5, 2011

My boyfriend of 3 months broke up with me, and put me into the friends zone. He says it's about a 1% chance that we get back together -- something miraculous would have to happen.

But he still wants to go on the "couples trip" we had planned with my best friend and his girlfriend in July to a water park area, as well as on a longer road trip to the southern US we had planned. It seems like a lot of time to be spending alone in cars and sharing hotel rooms for someone who is supposedly an "ex".

My best friend said that it's clear that this guy is lying to me, that to him it's all about the chase or the capture. His advice was to give NO CONTACT, and that given a previous conversation I had with my ex wasn't finished, this will keep him wondering what's going on and why I'm suddenly not talking to him, and that I should let him contact me first. When he does contact me, tell him that I think the breakup was for the best. He was quite a womanizer and knows all these little games and told me that I just have to play back and play better.

I'm so confused. I don't want to wind up as my EX's emotional tampon by being a passive "friend". Is my ex trying to mess with my mind, or is this trip a chance to re-kindle our relationship?

And is my friend offering me sound advice? I'm torn because we really were aligned on the deep values and stuff like that.

Of course he wants you to go. Besides, if you don't go who else will he be having sex with? Finding a replacement is too hard with such a small window of time.

You should go and be his female slave. While you're at it, you should also tell him how much you love him and can't live without him. I'm sure, he'll see the light at the end of the tunnel.

May 5, 2011

Of course he wants you to go. Besides, if you don't go who else will he be having sex with? Finding a replacement is too hard with such a small window of time.

You should go and be his female slave. While you're at it, you should also tell him how much you love him and can't live without him. I'm sure, he'll see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Dude, that post is uncalled for.

1. I don't care who he's having sex with right now. I'm not worried. What he does is his business; we're not a couple anymore.

2. I have never said any such thing to him. While mypersonality is non-confrontational, he knows that I'm not his bitch.

3. I don't understand your pernicious attitude.

I don't hate this guy, and we were friends (then FWB) for 6-7 months before we dated. I don't understand why so many people seem to think built-up animosity towards an ex is a good thing. It's an unhealthy attitude to have.

May 6, 2011

No one is saying you should hate or build animosity but to just see the situation for what it is. You are the one that is so confused about his intent. You see him as a friend but we're trying to make you see how he views you.

Edited May 6, 2011 by geegirl

May 6, 2011

Dude, that post is uncalled for.

1. I don't care who he's having sex with right now. I'm not worried. What he does is his business; we're not a couple anymore.

2. I have never said any such thing to him. While mypersonality is non-confrontational, he knows that I'm not his bitch.

3. I don't understand your pernicious attitude.

I don't hate this guy, and we were friends (then FWB) for 6-7 months before we dated. I don't understand why so many people seem to think built-up animosity towards an ex is a good thing. It's an unhealthy attitude to have.

I'm using sarcasm to get a point across. Obviously you missed it. Let me explain in plain English.

He wants you go to with him so he won't be alone, plus he'll be getting sex during the trip. In essence, he wants to use you for entertainment purposes. If you're cool with being used, feel free to go. If not, stay home and go NC.

It's pretty simple.

May 6, 2011

No one is saying you should hate or build animosity but to just see the situation for what it is. You are the one that is so confused about his intent. You see him as a friend but we're trying to make you see how he views you.

I get it. I really do.

It's just there's a history here. We may not be in a relationship anymore, and it's unlikely that will happen any time soon. Most people I know delve right into dating, without actually knowing each other. We started as friends.

However, he has been quite sincere about his wanting to put this under the bridge. And we had a friendship for over twice as long as we had been dating. It's like we tried dating out, and it just didn't work, time to scale it back a bit to where we were. I'm remaining NC for awhile though to let myself work through this. It hasn't been a week but I already feel better and am thinking far more clearly.

Edited May 6, 2011 by tlsguy

May 6, 2011

Dude, that post is uncalled for.

1. I don't care who he's having sex with right now. I'm not worried. What he does is his business; we're not a couple anymore.

2. I have never said any such thing to him. While mypersonality is non-confrontational, he knows that I'm not his bitch.

3. I don't understand your pernicious attitude.

I don't hate this guy, and we were friends (then FWB) for 6-7 months before we dated. I don't understand why so many people seem to think built-up animosity towards an ex is a good thing. It's an unhealthy attitude to have.

He was actually trying to be humorously charitable by showing you how ridiculous your ex's expectation to go on the trip was.

That brand of humor doesn't reach everyone the same.

I laughed, but I also empathize with you and think that you should cut womanizer totally loose.

May 6, 2011

I get it. I really do.

It's just there's a history here. We may not be in a relationship anymore, and it's unlikely that will happen any time soon. Most people I know delve right into dating, without actually knowing each other. We started as friends.

However, he has been quite sincere about his wanting to put this under the bridge. And we had a friendship for over twice as long as we had been dating. It's like we tried dating out, and it just didn't work, time to scale it back a bit to where we were. I'm remaining NC for awhile though to let myself work through this. It hasn't been a week but I already feel better and am thinking far more clearly.

If you are looking for a friendship with him, then draw your boundaries. Either he sticks to them or he tries to break them. Give only what you want and can give and nothing more. He will do whatever he needs to do to get what he wants from you and you have no control over that. That's where your boundaries come into play. In time you will be able to tell why he wants you in his life and what he wants from you. If you really want this friendship, then you define it by your terms. At that point you will be able to tell whether it's really worth it. We all have history with ex's but that does not mean we have to keep it going even if it is not in our best interest.

And I second Jason's advice that he only wants you to go because he wants 1) someone to have sex with 2) can't find anyone else. If you want and can handle an FWB arrangement with him again, go for it. If you know you want more or can't handle that arrangement right now, then NC and be friends when you are not emotionally invested (if you desire his friendship that much).

May 13, 2011

I gave it a week of NC before hitting him up since I was going through his town that weekend and thought we could grab a cup of coffee. He said he didn't really want to meet just yet and that while he understood that I don't want awkwardness, it's just going to be there for awhile.

I was fully prepared to move on from him at that point so I replied "I understand. Take care..." to which he replied "You say that like I'm going away forever. I just need a week."

3 days later on Monday he gives me a call for a weird computer question he could've solved himself and then says that we'll chat tonight or tomorrow. "Tomorrow" rolls around and I had a busy schedule that evening, so I gave him a call when I was free.

We chatted for a half-hour or so, a pleasant conversation like old times. At the end of the conversation I brought up the idea of hanging out this weekend which he was receptive to. He also mentioned again that he still wanted to go on our road trips.

We both think we shouldn't close ourselves off from each other. I also told him that I prefer that we didn't define ourselves as anything in relation to each other yet.

NC was fine for helping me clarify my thoughts, but it was inevitable that we'd be in touch; I'd say we are on LC now.

Not sure what to think of all this...

Edited May 13, 2011 by tlsguy

May 13, 2011

OK, first of all I'm stealing "emotional tampon" from you cuz that's awesome!! Second....you may think going on this trip is innocent or whatever, but don't do it. You wanna know why? Because he's the one who still wants this...he knows he still has control over you. HE's the one who broke up with you, you're really gonna go on a dag on trip with him? Tell him to find someone fill in for you; you all of a sudden became "Busy" He know's he can string you along you if let him back in your life like this?

What would you tell your Best friend if they were in this situation. Time to be YOUR OWN best friend. Good Luck!!

May 13, 2011

"I also told him that I prefer that we didn't define ourselves as anything in relation to each other yet."

But hasn't he already defined you as a "friend" or put you in the friend zone? It's you that's in denial of accepting his decision and prolonging it by placing terms. In his head, he's already put you there and you will stay there. He's just nodding his head because he's hoping he'll get what he wants if he appeases you. If you accept/want just a platonic friendship from him, fine, go on your trips and hang out and have sex with emotional detachment. But if you are thinking maybe you can start the ball rolling again, slowly, just maybe, things can go back to what they were when you were in an R, then you best prepare yourself.

Is this the guy who is a womanizer?

May 16, 2011

"I also told him that I prefer that we didn't define ourselves as anything in relation to each other yet."

But hasn't he already defined you as a "friend" or put you in the friend zone? It's you that's in denial of accepting his decision and prolonging it by placing terms. In his head, he's already put you there and you will stay there. He's just nodding his head because he's hoping he'll get what he wants if he appeases you. If you accept/want just a platonic friendship from him, fine, go on your trips and hang out and have sex with emotional detachment. But if you are thinking maybe you can start the ball rolling again, slowly, just maybe, things can go back to what they were when you were in an R, then you best prepare yourself.

Is this the guy who is a womanizer?

Womanizer is just a friend who was giving me advice.

As far as the rest... when I told him I thought we shouldn't define ourselves, he agreed to it. Further, we both agreed to not completely shut ourselves off from each other.

Interesting developments this weekend. Ex and I have been talking on the phone regularly again, usually initiated by him (sometimes me). Our long-ass conversations like they were in days of old.

Plus some flirty texting going on -- initiated by him. The silly animal noises texts and whatnot where we growl and bark at each other. I seem to recall those were to be forbidden in the "break up call" so I respected that until he went and did it himself. Plus he's saying we'll have to hang out soon and he hasn't been objecting to my calling him the pet names I made up for him... I believe that was also forbidden.

Positive developments. We'll see what happens. We've always had a really interesting chemistry and bond between us and neither of us want to lose that.

May 16, 2011

OMG, this guy gave you a percentage?

Seriously, if some guy said to me "There's maybe a 1% chance of us getting back together" I would spit my drink out and laugh, and point, and laugh, and fall on the floor and laugh some more.

What is he, 12? I'm so embarrassed for him.

For some reason or another, you're evidently still into him it seems, so I'll just wish you good luck and I hope that this works out the way you want it to.

May 18, 2011

I figure I'll use this thread as a journal of sorts to track the progress.

Last night we really had a big kahuna of a phone conversation which lasted for two hours. We both got into talking about our favorite topics at length and the conversation carried on without awkward pauses or breaks. Even more like times of old. We even got giggly talking about relating FWD and RWD cars to good sex and bad sex and telling each other some pretty crude (non-sexual) jokes.

Eventually we realized that it was past midnight and that I needed to get ready for work the next day and he still had to finish up his homework for his summer course. We probably would've spoken even longer if no one noticed the clock.

I'm very pleased with how the conversation went. It reminded me of our old conversations. At the end I asked him what his week looked like but between summer coursework and work schedule he didn't have time this week, but he said that doesn't mean he doesn't WANT to hang out and that we will soon.

Things seem to be moving in the right direction. This may be the start of a new era... I hope!

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