I lost her. Puhsed her away :( How do i get her back?

[dason34]

We met my sophomore year in high school, and we hit it off right away. were so in love. I knew there was a good chance we'd get married and we were so in love. After 3 years of being happily together then came along college time and we had to do the long distance thing. Our first semester of college things went well, we traveled to go see each other kept in contact and all feelings were still intact and we were still great.

 

Now this is where it gets a complicated, we both grew up and were raised in the LDS (mormon) church. We grew up never drinking, smoking, and engaging in intercourse. My second semester of college i decided to experiment with drinking and smoking. Though it sounds stupid and I wish i could take it back: I chose to keep this as a secret from her thus slowly drawing us apart because i was no longer honest with her, these are things something that are against the church's teachings, and i was in a position where i was leading up to a 2 year LDS (mormon) mission where you go teach our faith others (which if you're not familiar with the LDS faith, every boy is expected to serve a mission for 2 years when they turn 19, and the females in the church are told that they should only marry guys who went on missions or are faithful members of the church), which I at the time planned to stop engaging in drinking and smoking and "getting my life together" as a they would call it and going on a mission. Well after the 2nd semester i moved back home and continued to do the same stuff without telling her. We then continued to grow apart because I was not completely honest with her. Meanwhile, having experiences with all of my old friends from highschool and what i would call opening my mind in a way, i came to a point where i no longer was able to believe the LDS/mormon church.

 

She stood by me for months as i was experimenting with alcohol and pot as well as my religious beliefs and just enjoying being young with my friends and her not being my number 1 priority. Eventually she came to realize i had been lieing to her about the experiences I had been having and was fedup with my lack of honesty and our failure to connect because of lack of transparency. she told me that we had to break up until i straightened my life out morally (by stopping drinking, smoking) and a large part of it was that i wasn't honest with her through it all. I had come to the conclusion that I had to let her go because i didn't believe in the religion anymore and that things just wouldnt work out. I blame the failure of relationship mostly on me because of my lack of honesty for the previous months, and at that point we were lacking connection because I was no longer transparent as far as what i was doing with my friends (drinking, smoking). In the midst of all the issues we had, i had a time where i got super trashed drinking, and a girl came onto me and we madeout. i regretted it forever, but never told her, even though i really really should have.

 

We quit talking for a month and a half or so, i moved away. then we started to talk (texting often throughout the day) as she went to California for school for a semester, at this point i thought i was over her. Shortly after going to california she found out about me cheating on her (which i truly regret not being honest with her). She hooked up with what she told me was a "fling" for fun when she was in california about 4 months after we broke up at this point, and now she has moved back and is going to school elsewhere and is keeping a Long distance relationship up as she has began to like him she says. I thought because of my newer beliefs that things could never work, but come to realize later, i think she wanted to work things out, and at that point it was easy for me to leave her because i felt that i needed to be able to live my life and that we wouldnt have a future if i wasn't LDS.

 

I had spent the last few months trying to find myself as a person, beliefs etc, When she came home to visit we met up a few times and had lunch and had a meetup with some mutual friends. In the following days i came to realize regardless of our beliefs i had to find a way to get her back, i loved her too much at one time, and had seen it go downhill because of my own mistakes. So I call her and explain that i felt i made a huge mistake and wanted to know how she felt. She told me that she had to push her feelings away for me because I was not there for her and that she would at some point have to figure out her feelings for me, but she is currently in a relationship with an LDS boy who is planning on going on a mission soon. She told she is happily in a relationship at the moment and that we could perhaps see how things are between her and i and if we still match up when she moves home and after this guy leaves on his mission, but also told me things like "there are certain things about him she may have let slide because he was a "fling"". I do think she has feelings for him, and she is faithful to him because when i told her i missed her she asked me not to say that because she has a boyfriend.

 

So she is now hours away from me, has a boyfriend, i left her hanging because I didn't think things would work 4 months ago. And know i find myself trying to figure out what to do. I can't express myself and expect feedback because she has a boyfriend that she is not ready to let go of, (but i do know in the back of the head she wonders if I am the one, but struggles with trust and our past experiences).

 

I love this girl, i dont know if she is in a rebound relationship or if she really is into him. But i feel like it is a rebound and it is really just keeping her from me, and that he is a security for her and she wants to send him on his mission because she likes him and wants to have him as an option. I wrote her a letter has a huge apology for everything i put her through and attempting to explain everything that i was going through that kept me from giving her my full attention (my religious fallout, my lack of honesty that pulled us apart). We were so in love for so long and i'd do anything to bring us back together at least close to where we used to be. I'm almost 100% positive that if we had full transparency again we would be happy together, i ruined our relationship with pity lies

 

We text all the time and know i'm a huge piece of her as she is to me. But i feel like she also may be trying to push me away with her having a boyfriend, and i've been alittle clingy lately because i miss her so much. We talk like good friend all the time, but it still feels very surface because she has a boyfriend that she is fully faithful to.

 

pardon me for the length, and it's so disorganized so sorry for that. hopefully it all makes sense.

Edited May 4, 2011 by dason34

[TaraMaiden]

yeah, it makes sense.

you screwed up, were dishonest, and found your religion less fulfilling than you used to.

She found you out, moved away, and has someone new.

 

The bottom line is:

 

Quit bothering her, go No Contact and face up to the fact that you made choices.

choices have consequences.

Deal with them, leave her alone, go No Contact and get on with your life.

 

If your religion is flaky in your mind, she won't want to get back with you anyway, even if you do reaffirm your commitment.

Flaky once, it's never the same again.

 

If she is still 100% committed to her faith, then it's totally unfair for you to infringe upon her path.

 

Get off this path, and make your own way in life.

She's not part of it, and never will be again.

[dason34]

Not to jump into a religious discussion, but is it unfair? I mean if you truly were in love and used to share a faith but it's not that I don't find it fulfilling. I don't find it true. I know she loved me, we loved each other. And nothing would make me happier than to share the upbringing that I've had and rekindle the connection we had for so long.

[TaraMaiden]

Her commitment to her Mormon faith means that she can never have anything to do with someone who is not true to that faith with the same intensity.

 

Don't get me wrong; I used to be a RCatholic, and I left that path ages ago, for the same reason: I don't believe it. And trying to 're-believe' it is impossible. Can't be done.

A person can come newly to a faith, but they can't leave it wholeheartedly, then come back to it, for ulterior reasons.

If you go back to your Mormon faith, it must be because you truly believe in the dogma of the Mormon Church.

And for no other reason.

 

The disparity in your devotion and faith is and always will be the stumbling block.

So, in order to be true to yourself, and honest with her, you have no choice but to abandon this, and move on.

[dason34]

Yes i never plan to go back to that faith and never will. What i was referring to was, where we still talk very often and I still consider her a very good friend of mine, would it really be unfair for me to explain what i went through and attempt to show her what I've found?

 

I don't feel that it would, but it does seem nearly impossible. The mormon faith works so sheeplishly, the are told how to live their lives, but often times never really see things all the way through for themselves, especially if they were born and raised.

[TaraMaiden]

No.

proselytising, even if it is atheism, is offensive and personal.

Basically, even if you put it forward as something that has simply affected you personally, it's still an affront to her security, and undermines what she stands for.

 

If asked, explain.

If you're not asked, refrain.

 

If she ever shows curiosity, then that paves the way for you to put your side forward.

But don't be surprised now, if she begins to cool things with you, or even tries to 'bring you back into the fold'....

 

I predict one or the other is going to happen.....