What now?

[trainwrecker]

Wow. Where to begin. I am not used to putting my faults out for the world to see. I had been in a relationship with a married woman. Her husband has a gf and it is public knowledge. He is a drinker, and pill-popper and a threatening guy. She stays with him because of her medical issues and insurance. How appropriate, that I finally earn my way up the food-chain at work to full time status and yes... I have insurance now... Just in time to not be able to offer her. Enter the scene: me. I am a chronic codependent guy. I coax her out of her shell, and begin to build her confidence in herself. I carefully stroke her ego and begin to show her that she has great value and is deserving of being cared for. We begin a sexual relationship. She is very emotionally damaged, but I am always there for her. We begin a emotional relationship. I totally fall for her. She adores me but can't say the "L" word to me (as she says) because when she does people leave her. She does not take her meds. When she gets hurt by him, she crawls in an emotional cave inside herself. She shuts me out. Rather "we" discuss and work towards helping her help herself, she runs and hides for days from me. It kills me inside. She is getting more and more emotionally wounded by him... She begins to pull away all together. She stops seeing me. She stops with the pet names, she just hides in a room in her house and plays on the web and watches tv. She comes back out and I am there. I promise to always be here, no matter what. A week later, she has another explosive blowup with the spouse which becomes nearly a domestic violence issue and she runs from <literally runs> from the house. I talk her thru it on a cell phone. She won't call the cops because if he goes to jail she will loose the roof over her head. I suggest a spousal-abuse hotline. She says she will think about it. She goes home while he is passed out and goes to her room. She pulls away again... I am lost without her. I decide to detach from her. I give her space and time. She shuts me out for almost a week. My assumption is that she is not interested in me anymore. No talking, IM, txt, petnames, lovemaking, or nothing... I decide to try and move on. So I find someone else. Who ends up being a rebound (throw some more guilt on me for using this kind and caring woman and not even knowing I was). Then, married GF finds out about me and Ms. Rebound and I tell her I assumed it was over. She asks me, "Did you even take the time to ask me?" ... You know what, I didn't. I didn't even ask her about it. I was so afraid to ask, I just bounced. To her, I am a cheating and lying piece of ****. To me, I am just a dumb trainwreck who does not make good choices and wished it had occurred to talk to her one last time before doing something foolish. I can't undo sleeping with Ms. Rebound, or I would. I am a prideful and honorable man. I am a caring and sensitive person. I reacted to how I felt and didn't take the time to just talk to her. <sigh> Her life at home was draining on me, but I would have taken it for a long time to be there for her. Now, I don't have the stress I had with her in my life. I also don't have her. All I have is her loathing of me and her belief I just up and cheated on her. Being as prideful as I am, it shames me she thinks of me like this. I understand why she does, but I am embarrassed, that I did not have the common sense and common courtesy to stop and talk to her... I made a mistake I can't undo. I miss her so much. I love her even more. I try everyday, to let things be. To think of this as how it was meant to be, but deep-deep inside, I care so much for her, and she thinks of me as a piece of ****. It is more grief than a man can handle. I am a grown man, who f'n cries everyday over my misjudgment. I would never take back anyone I considered a cheater, so how can I expect her to? We were seeing each other for almost 9 months. I worship her. I put her on a pedestal and did all I could everyday to spoil her and reinforce how beautiful she is. Tell her over and over what a blessing she is and how much she means to me. How could I have let this happen?

 

I am a trainwreck. What now? Anyone? Any women, care to voice opinions, please do... Thank you for reading and if you comment, thank you for your valuable time.

 

TW

Edited May 4, 2011 by trainwrecker