mr.dream merchant Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 She's upset? I end up leaving in the middle of her sentence. I care so little for drama and unwanted forms of it that I just care not for what's she upset about. So I get up, walk out of the room, get in my car and drive. I call a friend or two up, we get together and hang out. It feels so good, to breathe. She's blowing my phone up, I just ignore the calls, but reply with text messages. I just don't even want to hear her voice, it's annoying when she trips over what's basically a small and non-important issue to me but apparently something big for her. She wants me to put all this effort into caring but I can't lol. I just can't. I'm so carefree I'm careless. I want a woman without the ridiculous and minute issues that always explode into arguments that I just walk away from. Give them the look: -_-, then I stand up and leave while she's talking. She gets so ****ing mad and hits me with the "You don't even care that I'm upset line." And it always makes me laugh. Why the **** should I care that she's upset? Why would I want to be upset over her own emotional issues? I got enough issues of my own. I don't need my woman contributing to it. Sigh, I want a lady on my arm but its like "screw her mind and emotions" when she starts clucking over **** that means nothing to me. Why do women bitch over what's basically nothing to me? To some men? Why the hell do I care so little about their emotions? Lmao it's starting to raise an eyebrow. :/
BiscuitXOXO Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 I feel like...if she is nagging/screaming/crying hysterically/arguing without listening to your side...if I were you I would do the same thing. Just leave and chill. On the other hand, if she is attempting to reasonably and maturely seek something in the relationship, and trying to discuss it with an open mind, it is a jerk move to walk away because you just don't want to face up to problems in your relationship. Ok, here's a somewhat long hypothesis as to why you feel the way you do: Men and women have different values. Men value independence (which is show by your statement, "I'm so carefree I'm careless.") While women value connections (which is seen by her statement "You don't even care that I'm upset.") Men understand each other's independence, which is why you can just hang out with your buddies as a breath of fresh air. On the other hand, if another woman was arguing with your lady, they would very much care if the other person is upset and do anything they can...it is just a way of showing I feel your pain, your tears are my tears sort of thing that women bond over. To her, clucking over "nothing" is a fundamental form of communication in an attempt to hash out problems and bond... Of course that really depends. Maybe there really is a problem; maybe there isn't and she's just looking for a way to find fault with you so she can leave. idk. Hope I provided some outsider insight.
Author mr.dream merchant Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 It's more of a "Why should I care about this? It's not important to me." kind of deal. Even if it means alot to her, I can't bring myself to care about it. If she gets upset about it, then I feel like she's trying to dictate my independence, my individuality. She gets upset and I honestly have this "whatever" attitude about it. I want everything to be laid back, real smooth you know? Cool like. But when I gotta worry about her emotions, or talking on the phone for 3 hours, or not telling her she looks lovely enough. Just dumb small ****. She'll get mad and it just laugh cause it honestly means nothing to me, the things she gets upset over just means absolutely nothing. Then I get annoyed cause to me it's as if she's just stirring some **** up to do it when everything was calm and cool before, now she's mad over unimportant **** and wants me to stress over it. Instead I just get annoyed, and get my space from her. Completely. I just leave, ignore her communication attempts for a couple hours to a day. Let her calm down, and let my nerves cool off.
dreamingoftigers Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Typical male stress reaction to any upset feelings is the "fight or flight." it's also the number 1 way to lose a series of relationships. Women do not destress by fleeing or isolating themselves. They destress by making a connection to someone and being listened too. When they aren't listened to it causes further isolation and more stress, thus her frenzied attempts to reach out to you more. You don't get it, she doesn't get it. To each other, you are both jerks.
Author mr.dream merchant Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 That's exactly the issue though. I don't want to sit there and listen to her when she's upset, it thoroughly annoys me because the things she's upset over just seems so small and unimportant to me. If it's not important to me, I don't even care to listen :/. Basically if it's not important to me I DO NOT want to make the effort to care about it, and if hit with an ultimatum to care or lose out, I always end up being rebellious. To me she's just causing unwanted drama/stress. To her it's a valid reason to be upset and argue over. Even when she tries to talk about it in a non-argumentative way and be mature about it, I get annoyed because its as if she's nagging me. Then I tell her I don't want to talk about it because it's not even that important to me and all it's gonna do is get us worked up. Then she hits me with the typical "So you don't even care about what's important to me?" I just give her the look. What the **** am I supposed to say? I honestly don't care if it's important to her if it's unimportant to me. She gets upset. I get gone. She throws out ultimatums. I just shrug it off and just shut out completely as far as emotions go. This has been getting worse now that I've been seeing more and more dating options arise.
BiscuitXOXO Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 If she gets upset about it, then I feel like she's trying to dictate my independence, my individuality. If you want to stay with her, I suggest talking over what matters to both of you. Don't say you don't care about her feelings; that is a horrible statement to make to any woman. But this quote: ^^^^ above is a great statement. Most likely she'll say something like, "But don't you care about me?" And just respond with, "Yea I care about you sweetie, which is why I don't understand when we argue about X, Y, and Z. In my eyes, I'm clearly showing affection towards you." Then compromise on ways you show each other you care. There's no need to hash out details, but just a general acceptance of mutual affection, which seems to be lacking. Also, in many women's minds, what is important to their partner is important to them, and should be reciprocated. You two should talk about this too; it depends on her personality if your view is acceptable to her or not. If not, then maybe you aren't compatible. She seems a bit insecure. But that may be reasonable, depending on what stage of life you two are in.
dreamingoftigers Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 You are being two sides of the same coin. Very very rarely have I ever met a woman who is trying to threaten her man's independence or individuality. It seems like this is more of a construct of make thinking, that fear of being told what to do or how to do it. To us it is almost a completely foreign language. She is trying a little too hard to form an actual connection to you and you are trying too hard to run away. It takes nothing to listen and say, "you know what? I don't get it, but I can't tell it's important to you and I'd imagine that you feel xyz." But instead it seems that you would like to make a point in a foreign language to someone that is trying to connect with you.
Author mr.dream merchant Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 I don't know man. Just want to do me, all this drama and caring and what not is just so much extra weight on your shoulders. That's why I get upset about it, a relationship is supposed to be fun...not add to all the other bull**** I have to put up with.
welikeincrowds Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 I don't know man, it really depends on the situation. On one hand, I used to date a girl with BPD. I don't know why I put up with as much **** from her as I did, but she was a straight up bitch that had and endless supply of things to complain about. Those discussions were just forums for her to talk and not listen. She was a horrible, horrible person. On the other hand, have you seen the thread with the girl who is 25 dating a 34 year old who won't go out and do stuff with her? She's really concerned that the relationship is going to fail and she won't be able to be with the man she loves, because he won't share any new experiences with her. But when she brought this up to him, he didn't listen to her, because he couldn't understand where she was coming from. Things are not looking good for them! But it's not because she's not trying to reconcile. It's because he's ending the progression by refusing to listen. All that said: getting up and leaving and cutting someone off, especially when they're expressing something important to them to you, is straight up disrespectful. It's contemptuous, worse than spitting in someone's face, one of the most significantly spiteful options you have when dealing with someone else. Ideally, you wouldn't have to do that to anyone, since it's an ego-fellating bridge burner and a last resort. But you especially should not feel like you have to do that to someone you care about. If that's how you handle most of your disagreements, then this is going to continue being a problem for you.
Author mr.dream merchant Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 I just don't want to care about what's not important to me. When she comes at me with those issues, it almost feels as if she's forcing it on me even though she's just talking about how she feels. In my head I'm like "whatever, why should I care?". And that's how I feel. Why should I care? Why do I have to care? If it isn't important to me, why do I have to make changes to accommodate her?
welikeincrowds Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 I just don't want to care about what's not important to me. When she comes at me with those issues, it almost feels as if she's forcing it on me even though she's just talking about how she feels. In my head I'm like "whatever, why should I care?". And that's how I feel. Why should I care? Why do I have to care? If it isn't important to me, why do I have to make changes to accommodate her? Again, it depends on the problems and the changes. It is important to you if the relationship is important to you, because if one half isn't happy then the relationship is going to suffer. Again, bringing up the 25 + 34 year old. The guy doesn't understand why she wants to go out to concerts and hockey games. He thinks things are fine. But they're obviously not fine. He doesn't have to understand her issue to fix the problem. All he has to do what she asking him to, which isn't much (an outing once a month). He's refusing out of hubris or something, I don't really know. A loving relationship is about mutual giving, in all ways, but also in disagreements like this (you give your partner attention and empathy). That's how relationships succeed. If that's not what you have the energy or time or mindset for, or if you're not with someone who is going to be giving back, then sure, there's no point in it, you're right.
Author mr.dream merchant Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 Probably gonna dump this woman tomorrow or before the weekend. It was fun while it lasted but I'm not willing to make the effort. :/
welikeincrowds Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Probably gonna dump this woman tomorrow or before the weekend. It was fun while it lasted but I'm not willing to make the effort. :/ Sorry to hear that, man! But yeah, it sounds like a good idea. Things will be different for you when you meet a girl that makes you feel something when she gets upset.
Author mr.dream merchant Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 Sorry to hear that, man! But yeah, it sounds like a good idea. Things will be different for you when you meet a girl that makes you feel something when she gets upset. I really don't know. When women get upset with me and want me to make changes, it makes me feel as if I'm catering to them. I hate taking that role, its as if I'm giving all the power to them. :S
dreamingoftigers Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Probably gonna dump this woman tomorrow or before the weekend. It was fun while it lasted but I'm not willing to make the effort. :/ Well, see. It had nothing to do with what she cares about. It had more to do with how much you cared about her. Relationships aren't JUST fun. They are also rewarding. You put some work in and then you get something back out of it. If you aren't willing to put in a simple xyz statement for the sake of harmony and connectivity, then obviously you don't have much in the relationship account to draw from. It goes bankrupt. It's her too, but both your skills are nothing to build onto. You are looking at a series of 3 month relationships or some really unhealthy long-term ones at best.
dreamingoftigers Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 I really don't know. When women get upset with me and want me to make changes, it makes me feel as if I'm catering to them. I hate taking that role, its as if I'm giving all the power to them. :S That power thing is really a male construct. Yes there are some psycho birches out there, but mostly women just want to be heard. It's universal. In fact we are built that way. Mars and Venus Collide. Check it out, it has all of the hormones and mechanics involved in it, it might even help you pick up someone you like. But I know most guys don't run out and grab that kind of stuff. But when you get older and if a couple fun relationships cave on you, you might want to explore the mechanics behind why. This is not meant as being rude or attacking you in any way.
Author mr.dream merchant Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 I don't know dude. I have this issue all the time, even when we're in the talking stages. I just get ghost when they start fussing or trying to pick my brain. I dislike it that much. :/. Then they get upset with me and hit me with the "You don't care." line. What the **** am I supposed to care about? I really have no idea.
dreamingoftigers Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Are your parents close with one another? Cause dude it has often sounded like you got a busted relational template. No offense. I married one with an attachment problem.
Author mr.dream merchant Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 Not really. My mom is always complaining about my Father and my father just shrugs it off lol. My brother is totally different. He's a bit more reasonable with his women and he listens to them, cares about whatever the hell they want him to. Me on the other hand, I'm the jerk lol. My mentality is honestly "**** her mind, I care about me.". :/ I've had 2 serious relationships, and a ton of meaningless flings. The only thing I really take serious in life is my job, school, friends and family. For some reason, I just don't value women too much.. They've always been here and gone for me. So like anything else that's always around, they just started dropping on the priority and importance list. I mentioned before, but when a woman wants to make an issue meaningful to me, I laugh because I know she probably isn't going to get through to me. I'm a womanizing jerk. :/ It doesn't stop me from scoring but it does stop me from understanding and caring about women. I'm only good for a nice **** session or two and that's it. Or so it seems nowadays. I've been pretty patient lately but I'm actually starting to get a little worrysome. I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life, one day I'll want to start a family. Maybe I haven't met the right women.
Aveenolover Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Maybe you should see a therapist? Or you could be going after the wrong type of women. Why do your friends score a higher priority rating than females? Why can't the female be a friend AND a girlfriend? What exactly do you want out of a relationship?
Author mr.dream merchant Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 Probably need to take a step back and realize that I'm with a woman I just wanted some solid fun with. I guess she wants more emotional investment from me and is pushing for it through minor arguments. :/ My friends have been around for a while. They don't necessarily get priority over my SO but that doesn't mean they aren't as important. I think the root of my problem here is that I never intended on getting serious. So when she tries to command my attention and affection it just pushes me away, I feel as if someone is trying to dictate my personality my demeanor. In effect, I rebel so to speak. That's when I get up and walk out, ignore the phone calls, etc.
Aveenolover Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Maybe tell her you don't want the relationship to be THAT serious, get on the same page so she wont expect so much from you. When i'm in a serious relationship, i like a guy to SHOW that he loves me and its nice to have someone to lean on. Part of a relationship is that closeness you get that some people dont necessarily get from friends. Thats actually my favorite part of a relationship, knowing someone cares about me and will listen to me when im upset, but i will gladly do it for them, too if they need someone to lean on. However, if you dont WANT that from a relationship, or dont need it, maybe find a woman who is really independent. Though, it would probably be easier to just hook up. What draws you to the relationship and not just friends with benefits?
Jynxx Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 I know exactly how you feel man. I try to eliminate stress out of my life because it makes me an unhappy and bad person, I don't want anyone creating drama for nothing. Nobody is ever responsible for anyone elses happiness. If she's unhappy, comming to you yelling or causing drama or being unreasonable in hopes of you solving her problem for her, then that's bad and probably not the person you want to be around, at least if it happens often. Add to that that when a woman complains to you most of the time she just wants to complain and doesn't even want you 2 to figure out a solution. She just wants to vent, which obviously doesn't make sense because she will drag you down to the same emotional state without actually benefitting from it.
Els Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 You don't get the roses without the thorns, the cake without the calories, or the sun without the UV rays. Believing that everything good in life should come completely effortless and with no compromise on your side is only going to lead you down the road to failure. I hope she one day realizes she can do better.
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