Hp1991 Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Hi , I'm a fairly new poster . Have only posted a few threads recently since I've joined. I'm having abit of difficulty getting over not talking to my ex. By no means is my ex an ******* or douche. He was a funny guy that perked my interest and thus lead us to date for a short period of time. It wasn't anything serious. I just really liked that I got to know him and he was a cool guy. Nothing to go crazy over , we were just normal to each other. After abit we realized that it probably wasn't a good idea to go from friends to dating and that it was better just being friends.. thus ending our simple relationship. There wasn't much of a difference. I was never intimate with him in that short period of time so going back to friends wasn't too hard. The issue is that after we broke up we just kind of ignored each other.. I didn't really talk to him as much as I would've liked to. This went on for 3 years , none of this was hatred towards each other it was just we didn't talk ...only occasionally on a birthday we'd say our wishes etc. Just recently , last year, we started talking again and I met up with him after 3 years. I'm not someone who was waiting and holding onto the moment I would see him again. We weren't that exclusive or intimate ..there was never an issue of getting over him . We swiftly and simply broke up , no hard feelings at all. period. Abit before we met last year I did sort of suggest that we could try it again. Not because I was soo in love that I missed him , just maybe time changed things and it would be different this time. I believe he said no or something along those lines and I gave up on the idea. So when we saw each other last year ...we ended up being abit more intimate than we had EVER been. I by no means slept with him . just something more than what I had ever done with him when we were dating. I don't even think I kissed him when we dated. So he asked if we could get back together and I told him it was all the wrong reasons. I had to keep a cool head about it .. When being intimate everything seems like its the right thing but we really aren't able to be together it that sense. He was literally just imagining things and I shot him down. Not because I wanted revenge or anything.. I just thought about it rationally, we wouldn't work out . I wanted to talk to him not end up going farther away and stop speaking all together. So conclusion ? We ended up just leaving it as is . We are just friends ..nothing more. We are good friends , we talk occasionally nothing too in depth about love lives but school, life in general. I like to keep ties with everyone and it made me happy that we mended that hole that seperated us for 3 years. Fast forward probably 5 months later. I met a guy (currently dating), he's amazing and treats me exceptionally well. He's someone that has it all together and listens to all my problems. I don't have simple bad hairday issues , these are things that I have severe emotional breakdowns over. I'm amazed that he sticks through it. Knowing any other guy my age or close to it would probably freak at the sight of emotional baggage , but him ? he honestly held me and told me that there was nothing to worry about now . He's 28 and I'm 20 . Yes I know there is an age gap but we got over it . There isn't much of a difference now that we have similar interests. SO I told my current bf about my ex when we started dating . It wasn't much of an important topic to me since it was a short period (literally a month or so) but we were catching up with each other and he out of the blue decided to text me when my bf was there. My bf isn't one to tell me who I can be friends with or not but he doesn't like this whole "oh he's just my friend " business . Not once but a few times now he's hinted it and we talked about it. However, none of what I said registered to him . I don't speak to him anymore than any other guy friend I have. Simple conversations about school and life. Honestly I have NO intentions on getting back with my ex. He is my friend and won't move from that spot up to potential partner again. My ex is still funny and normal towards me but my bf doesn't like that because I don't know what my ex is thinking even if I'm just having a simple conversation. It came to the point I would just not talk to my ex on any occasion because my bf saw it as a game and opportunity to run back to my ex if I had the chance. I had my ex connected to me by all methods... msn , facebook and phone but didn't remove him . I didn't see the issue since I won't talk to him but he can still see I don't hate his guts ( we have mutual friends .. many of them still talk to both of us.. it would seem rude to remove him from my friends list) Rewind about a week ago. I ended up going out to a party and he ended up there. Okay I knew he had a slight chance of being there. I did not go because he was going to be there. Hell we went pretty late and I assumed everyone went home by then . I had nothing better to do that day so we went after my morning plans and lo and behold ..the first three people I saw when I got there were a)old friend b)old friend c) ex. ...I wasn't going to ignore him when we were supposed to have a good time. I spoke to him with everyone present, we had group conversations that we pretty open and fun. Nothing one on one , no nonsense, I didn't go to seek him out neither did he come to find me. By the end of the night he actually took care of one of the people that went with me. I felt grateful but didn't let him on it . He was having his own drunk talk with her ( no he wasn't interested in her , he later said he didn't want us both to not have fun ). Forward to today. He suddenly texts me a few days AFTER the party and asks how we are. I reply saying fine and inquired how they were after the party. Simply being nice , I wanted to say thank you but it seemed a bit off to me the way he was nice that day. Ok yes he did help me out, but he said things to her like oh we'll go to the movies (fully knowing that I would have to come along) , saying he was worried about us, I don't know if im taking it the wrong way but I don't want any surprised "feeelings" shot at me or in my direction. So he's making small talk with topics that he KNOWS that will peak my interest so much that I can't help but answer. I sent about 4 texts and left it alone. I didn't feel guilty that I was texting him 4 texts, I felt bad because I said I wouldn't talk to him . I just told my bf about it and he was angry , yes its reasonable since I couldn't listen to him on it . He says its one or the other knowing full well I don't want to lose him . I like my ex , I really do , it's not a love hate relationship , it never was.. we are just simply there for each other and after reconnecting 3 years later I have to break it off again. I'm having trouble with this . I need some advise or help on giving him up , not as my ex but my friend. I'm not stuck in some love circle where I can't let go of him because I love him , I just don't like losing my friends and he's never been horrible to me EVER. I just can't grasp a way to stop ..it's honestly petty talks we have about dogs, and school . Honestly DOGS , you can't get anywhere near romantic with that topic. Help is much appreciated . THANK you. It was quite a long read. Also is it reasonable to give him up? Am I wrong for wanting to continue to be my friend?
Sabali Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 This is just one of life's tough choices where you will have to just choose. Whenever you enter a new relationship, you have to decide how far you are willing to go to make your new partner feel secure in the relationship and if the steps you take are reasonable measures...not to mention respect. Your current relationship with your ex seems safe/harmless and it may be for now. The problem comes in at the first big fight you will have with your current boyfriend. At that point, a lot of people learn how to stay together and work through things. Having a very friendly ex in the background complicates this process and can even prevent it from happening. It is very, very easy to slip into a familiar comfort zone with an ex when your current relationship hits a bump in the road. It is a very Tantalus setup to have an ex in the background in a new relationship. So your current boyfriend seems promising and your relationship with your old boyfriend seems innocent. You may believe in your heart that it seems innocent but, again, your ex is simply a fruit dangling in your face to tempt you during any future potential stage of emotional hunger not to mention it is disrespectful to your boyfriend. In reality, these setups do not work well in real life but they work fabulously in the movies. This is a situation waiting to become inflamed. Make a choice and before you make that choice decide that you will live with whatever choice you make and not regret it in the future.
lalasweetheart Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 To me it sounds like you and your "ex" never actually got as far as what I would consider a romantic relationship. I am a girl who grew up with guys and therefore the majority of my friends are guys. If my bf didn't trust me around other guys that would have to be the end of the relationship. Of course like Sabali said, it depends how much you are willing to do to make your bf comfortable and of course you have to be sure that you are not holding onto the ex for other reasons, but i really think your bf needs to learn to trust a little more. Surely he has female friends that he hangs out with, he must be able to understand where you are coming from
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