Facebook boundaries! Thank you new technology for making it even more complicated!

May 4, 2011

Over the course of our relationship there's been females that flirt with him openly on facebook. He says it's not flirting but it's the constant 'liking' his statuses, laughing at his jokes, telling him he's adorable, commenting on his statuses, over concerned over his wellbeing when he's sick, emphasizing commonalities, telling me to 'kiss him' for them for his birthday etc.

In the beginning of our relationship there was another girl that he would converse with. They were making coffee dates and asking him to imagine her in disco pants..to which the preference was no pants at all. Stupid stuff like that. This was very very early on in our relationship - according to him prior to us becoming girlfriend/boyfriend, although the time line is kind of off, and by his definition not flirting because they were friends.

I think the new female is still a response to the other female.

Now, what is the right way to handle this? If I was just above human fantastic person with all the virtues in the world I would just ignore it but it's getting under my skin. I want her to back off and leave him alone. I don't blame her because I think he's a very attractive man, but I would respect that he's in a relationship and stop chasing tail.

He knows it annoys me. He would text me to say that she talked to him again but qualifies it with ending it with "...that's all."

We're generally okay with the other having opposite sex friends as long as we're completely open.

What is the right way to view this situation and the best way to proceed to strengthen the relationship? Are my feeling irrational in this situation?

May 4, 2011

Well, I think people have mixed feelings about the facebook thing. However, with regard to me, when I am with someone I have respect for them and I don't engage in flirting with other guys. That's just who I am.

When I first got together with my ex I had guys writing me and leaving little "messages" and I made sure to let them know that I was involved with someone else.

May 4, 2011

I am in the same position as Dolly.... I am loyal to a fault when I commit to a relationship, and so I pretty much expect the same. Whether or not he is "wrong" or "cheating" or "flirting," whatever he is doing is making you uncomfortable, insecure and jealous.

If his relationship with you is the most important thing, in my opinion he should put an end to the flirtation with the other girl.

In the end, what is more important? Being "right" or solving the issue in your relationship?

May 4, 2011

Whats wrong with flirting? Flirting is fun and makes us smile. You like to flirt I'm sure and enjoy attention from men. Overt sexual flirting is not on though when your in a relationship.

I have this trouble with my BF who is very jealous. I am very flirtatious and get a lot of attention on fb and otherwise, however, most men know not to take it too far when your 'in a relationship' and as a women I would be respectful to the other woman and not flirt with a man.

To be honest hun public flirting is much preferable to private flirting cos at least he's not hiding anything and you know whats going on. If you pursue this too much he will go underground and flirt behind your back. Give him some slack but ask him to be respectful

May 4, 2011

also he is telling you about what this other girl says because he wants you to be jealous... it affirms that you love him and have feelings for him. Its part of the courtship ritual.

Do it back and watch him squirm

May 4, 2011

Treetops I totally disagree and think this sort of "acceptance" of behavior that many people don't really think is acceptable is the reason so many relationships fail nowadays.

Far too many people are willing to accept flirting or otherwise disrespectful behavior and so now some people think it's normal or okay.

It's not okay. If you need attention from a bunch of random people, then don't get into a serious relationship. When you're in a serious relationship, the two SOs should be fulfilling all those needs for each other. Allowing others outside the relationship fill those needs is just asking for trouble.

May 4, 2011

If you are feeling disrespected then totally you should communicate this. But also you need to be accepting and respectful of who your SO is and not get overly concerned and obsessive about some harmless flirting. Relationships are about 2 people loving and respecting and accepting each other.

This guy is obviously doing this to make his girlfriend jealous. There's probably no need for him to do this but obviously he needs it. Maybe she (sorry I forgot your username) should flirt with him a little more because thats probably who he wants/needs attention from!

May 4, 2011

If you are feeling disrespected then totally you should communicate this. But also you need to be accepting and respectful of who your SO is and not get overly concerned and obsessive about some harmless flirting. Relationships are about 2 people loving and respecting and accepting each other.

This guy is obviously doing this to make his girlfriend jealous. There's probably no need for him to do this but obviously he needs it. Maybe she (sorry I forgot your username) should flirt with him a little more because thats probably who he wants/needs attention from!

I'm sorry but any relationship where one or both parties feel they "need" to make the other jealous is immature and doomed for failure.

May 4, 2011

I'm sorry but any relationship where one or both parties feel they "need" to make the other jealous is immature and doomed for failure.

Agreed.

Harmless flirting is one thing, but the OP doesn't feel that it is harmless as she is hurt.

I would sit him down and tell him your concerns.

When I'm in a relationship I make sure not to do/say anything that would make my partner upset. ( in regards to flirting.) I expect the same from my partner.

If he refuses to acknowledge your feelings, it's not worth staying.

Hope things turn out for the best.

May 4, 2011

Agreed.

Harmless flirting is one thing, but the OP doesn't feel that it is harmless as she is hurt.

I would sit him down and tell him your concerns.

When I'm in a relationship I make sure not to do/say anything that would make my partner upset. ( in regards to flirting.) I expect the same from my partner.

If he refuses to acknowledge your feelings, it's not worth staying.

Hope things turn out for the best.

So true! The thing that bothers me about most people who don't agree with my POV is that they seem to think that what they want is more important than what's best for the relationship.

Is it really that important to flirt with other girls or guys? Or is it more important that the person you claim to love be happy and secure with you?

If flirting is more important, I'd say you're 1) not ready for a relationship, 2) not really in love with your SO.

May 4, 2011

So true! The thing that bothers me about most people who don't agree with my POV is that they seem to think that what they want is more important than what's best for the relationship.

Is it really that important to flirt with other girls or guys? Or is it more important that the person you claim to love be happy and secure with you?

If flirting is more important, I'd say you're 1) not ready for a relationship, 2) not really in love with your SO.

Very much true.

Getting a compliment every now and then is a great ego boost, but id never risk my relationship over it. I also give out compliments. With this being said, I never cross into the 'danger zone'.

If I wouldn't be making these comments while infront of my partner, then they shouldn't be mentioned at all. Innocent and harmless flirting is fine, flirting that crosses boundaries isn't.

Flirting with others will never go above my SO.

It boggles my mind to see the lack of respect people have for there bf/gf's.

May 4, 2011

The simple solution would be to ask him to cut off access to seeing and posting on his fb wall to the offending “friends.”

Did you say he goes on coffee dates with female friends? That sounds kind of inappropriate unless this is a co-worker and this is a friendly lunch break. If he goes out of his way to put himself in date like situations this should be you’re main concern. His job and yours is to make each other feel like number one and only in each others life through honest means.

May 5, 2011

Thank you for all the great advice.

I don't really think he's doing anything wrong per se. I just wish this other girl would back off.

Why does a single women flirt with a guy that's in a relationship? Sheknows he's in a relationship. I would like it if he just cuts her out but is that too much to ask for 'harmless' flirting from her side?

I'm sure he enjoys the attention. That's kind of annoying, but I understand because alas who doesn't like to be liked (and he's so handsome)

I went out with one of my guy friends today for a lunch. I don't see any problem with going out with someone of the opposite sex as long as it does not undermine your relationship in any way shape or form.

Going out with a girl that there was a strong flirting relationship beforehand is a problem. Friend no.

I think it comes down to finding this girl flirting with him just really annoying and wanting her to back off. Do I talk to her? Do I talk to him? Do I ask him to 'unfriend' *gasp* her? How do modern day people proceed with this new technology? There's no etiquette manual or asking mom what she would have done in this situation!

Again..thank you for all the posts. I appreciate everyone taking the time to weigh in.

May 5, 2011

Why does a single women flirt with a guy that's in a relationship? Sheknows he's in a relationship. I would like it if he just cuts her out but is that too much to ask for 'harmless' flirting from her side?

What does it matter why single girls flirt with guys they know to be in relationships? You can’t expect the world to protect your relationship. It’s up to the couple to do that.

I think you have to pick your battles. If my girlfriend was having her ego stroked by some flirtatious guy I would surely tell her it was bothering me and could she please cut contact with this person who obviously didn’t respect the relationship she was in. I would tell her it’s also a little humiliating to see some one flirting with her and it’s a lot of drama for nothing. Say it nicely and don’t make it and order but be pretty insistent that it’s pointless and disrespectful, and that if he told you something was bothering him you wouldn’t dismiss it.

I went out with one of my guy friends today for a lunch. I don't see any problem with going out with someone of the opposite sex as long as it does not undermine your relationship in any way shape or form.

Going out with a girl that there was a strong flirting relationship beforehand is a problem. Friend no.

My girlfriend some times has lunch with her guy co-workers. I don’t love that but office bonding is essential.

I would have a problem if she just wanted to have lunch with a long time guy friend.

I think it comes down to finding this girl flirting with him just really annoying and wanting her to back off. Do I talk to her? Do I talk to him? Do I ask him to 'unfriend' *gasp* her? How do modern day people proceed with this new technology? There's no etiquette manual or asking mom what she would have done in this situation!

No, don't talk to her. If talking to the other woman is the best option you’re in a bad relationship.

Yes, talk to him.

Yes, he should unfriend her. At a minimum block her from posting on his pics, status, and wall.

May 5, 2011

Talked to him. His opinion is that I'm being jealous and that she 'never flirted with him in real life'.

Am I over reacting?

May 5, 2011

Talked to him. His opinion is that I'm being jealous and that she 'never flirted with him in real life'.

Am I over reacting?

I don’t know are you? For me this would be a big deal.

Seriously he shouldn’t need this explained to him. You tell him that it’s really hurting you to have it in your face like this. You also explain that every one can see her posts and flirting so it is drama and humiliation. Finally explain that this really bothers you, and that if he told you about something that really bothered him that you would take it seriously.

This is also really a talk you have in person. Not over the phone and especially not through txt or internet.

May 5, 2011

Yes, I would also find it very embarrassing, as some others have said, if it's over the top.

Unfortunately this other female doesn't understand common respect and boundaries and there's nothing you can do about that.

I do find it to be a little disturbing that your bf has just dismissed your feelings. If I were him, the next time she posted something, I'd be writing a little note such as "yeah, I'm so lucky to have a wonderful girlfriend" (or whatever is an appropriate response to the note that she leaves). Basically putting it out there that you are the one. That would probably stop her in her tracks! But, that's just me.

I think our problem in todays society, and seeing the demise of so many relationships is that people just do not have the same basic courtesies and respect that they use to have. The internet has greatly enabled all the attention seekers. When you start letting go of the basic courtesies and respect it's easier to go a little farther.

May 5, 2011

I don't see how telling you 'she never flirted with me irl' makes up for the fact that she flirts with him online. Especially with the social media that are getting a more and more important role in todays society he can't just reject your opinion like that.

You told him you don't feel comfortable with it and there he goes defending it. What is he getting out of it? A boost to his ego that a girl is so willingly putting herself infront of him like that? I guess I can understand that it is flattering but he should know better if you told him how it makes you feel. I also completely agree with Dust that it is embarrassing if your bf/gf openly flirts with others on social media. He should respect you, and your opinion, and call it quits!

May 5, 2011

Facebook is TERRIBLE for relationships! I read somewhere, don't quote me on it exactly, but that Facebook was responsible for 1 in 5 divorces in the United States...I'll try to find the source and post it but it seems incredibly realistic! It's unreal!

May 5, 2011

http://www.geekosystem.com/facebook-divorce-data/

May 5, 2011

I don't think you're overreacting. I agree with someone who said that in lieu of blocking her, he could try writing a response to one of her flirty comments about you, so that this woman knows he's not an idiot and he realizes she's openly flirting.

But, the fact that he thinks "you are just being jealous" and that he somehow isn't to blame at all is disturbing.

People who are committed to a loving relationship don't want their SOs to be hurt. It would be one thing if you were demanding he cut contact with every female friend in his life and so on, but you are particularly bothered by ONE person.

It just makes me wonder if both of your values line up to be compatible.

May 5, 2011

yes... you either trust him or you dont? If he's given you reason to think he's untrustworthy i.e cheating in the past then make a battle out of it.

Don't sweat the small stuff unless its gonna really really bother you. He's with you not her and he does all the love n stuff with you not her. You are in his heart not her. If you suspect he's gonna go off with her then he's not really that into you and he'll go anyway. So let him. He's the loser

May 5, 2011

yes... you either trust him or you dont? If he's given you reason to think he's untrustworthy i.e cheating in the past then make a battle out of it.

Don't sweat the small stuff unless its gonna really really bother you. He's with you not her and he does all the love n stuff with you not her. You are in his heart not her. If you suspect he's gonna go off with her then he's not really that into you and he'll go anyway. So let him. He's the loser

This kind of thing wouldn't be small to me. "kiss him for me" is just rude. I would never tell some girls boy friend "you kiss her for me." He should delete the coments at a minimum. He really should block this other girl from posting on his page. I really can't think of a good reason to remain fb friends with her.

May 5, 2011

yes... you either trust him or you dont? If he's given you reason to think he's untrustworthy i.e cheating in the past then make a battle out of it.

Don't sweat the small stuff unless its gonna really really bother you. He's with you not her and he does all the love n stuff with you not her. You are in his heart not her. If you suspect he's gonna go off with her then he's not really that into you and he'll go anyway. So let him. He's the loser

In a mature relationship, it should be more important that your SO feel confident and secure that both partners will do whatever necessary to protect the relationship, and that means kicking out any "friends" who do not have respect for the relationship.

If the OP feels belittled or disrespected, then it IS a big deal.

May 9, 2011

^^^ this is so true yet so rare now days. I feel like "mature" relationships hardly exist anymore...

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