Confused100 Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Let's put the usual disclaimer at the beginning -- she has a boyfriend. I've known her since the beginning of October. We started to become really good friends in January. We had one class winter quarter, but spent a lot of time together. People joked that if they wanted to get in contact with me, they need only call/text her. We would play fight (e.g., punch each other, wrestle, etc) and tease each other a lot (one of my friends commented that the play fighting in front of others was a bit weird for them). However, I have some problems with dependence/neediness (as may be apparent from previous postings), and she said coming to her with a lot of personal problems started to take a toll on her. She even compared me to previous boyfriends in that respect (my friend hypothesized that because her current boyfriend is a bit aloof compared to previous ones, I have sort of filled a hole). So because of that, the friendship has gotten a little bit strained the past week or two. Sometimes, it comes across as if she is mad/irritated with me, and other times it feels normal like before. There are other anecdotes I can provide to illustrate how close we had become, and I can provide those if people are interested. Just last wednesday, she actually asked me if I've ever wanted more than a friendship. I didn't know what to do, so I just lied and said no. I'm just confused as to what I should do, because we do share the same circle of friends. Refrain from doing anything and see if she breaks up with her current boyfriend and share my feelings then? Tell her how I feel now and see where that takes me? Stop talking to her altogether until I have moved on?
chuckles11 Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Based on what you have described, it's probably a better idea if you just distance yourself from her until you move on. I don't see how you have any chance with this girl. If you're interested in someone, you need to ask them out shortly after meeting them, not sit back for months playing the friend role. Also, laying all of your issues on her, to the point that she actually had to ask you to stop coming to her with your problems, is the kiss of death. When you want to date someone, you need to put your best foot forward. Do not start going to women you would be interested in dating with your personal problems.
Author Confused100 Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 Gotcha. The three options seem to be a) stop contact altogether, b) lessen contact or c) continue with current contact. And you seem to favour option b). I feel c) is going to always leave me wanting more. a) would be very difficult on me, especially because I wouldn't be able to speak to one of my closest friends for some time. Not to mention, it would be suspicious/weird to her that I don't speak with her anymore. And b) sounds like it would be difficult as well. How much would I have to reduce contact? Just the thought of not being able to talk to her about ordinary stuff everyday sucks a lot. Wouldn't my change in behaviour be noticeable as well? It also seems like my infatuation for her would be rejuvenated every time I did speak to her again.
chuckles11 Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Gotcha. The three options seem to be a) stop contact altogether, b) lessen contact or c) continue with current contact. And you seem to favour option b). I feel c) is going to always leave me wanting more. a) would be very difficult on me, especially because I wouldn't be able to speak to one of my closest friends for some time. Not to mention, it would be suspicious/weird to her that I don't speak with her anymore. And b) sounds like it would be difficult as well. How much would I have to reduce contact? Just the thought of not being able to talk to her about ordinary stuff everyday sucks a lot. Wouldn't my change in behaviour be noticeable as well? It also seems like my infatuation for her would be rejuvenated every time I did speak to her again. A) would absolutely be the most effective method of getting over her, but I certainly understand how that may be an unattractive option(i.e. same group of friends). As for B) I would recommend: 1)No more hanging out with her one on one. Only when you and your friends go out as a group. 2) No more discussing personal issues with her. 3) No more wrestling/horseplay. She will likely notice a difference in your behavior, but as you mentioned in your initial post, she's already trying to lessen the intensity of your friendship. The overall point is to avoid allowing her to be your singular focus when you are in social situations with her.
Author Confused100 Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 Hmm, I guess that makes sense. But that of course will be very difficult for me. I know she still cares a lot about me and wants to remain friends, so I'm not sure how much she wants to lessen the intensity of the friendship. She more wants me to stop being so dependent on her.
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