nostalgic79 Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 My husband and I will be married for 10 years this July. We have two girls ages 7 and 5. He's a very seemingly religious person and an angel to everyone..the nicest guy ever..since college.. Just recently I discovered that he has an alternate personality which is completed opposite to what I know him as(created a fake name) that he uses online and has had several online affairs over the course of at least 8 yrs (that's the earliest i can trace it back to, could be earlier). There is also cybersex involved and watching a lot of porn. It is all making sense to me now. He would let me do whatever I want. Our sex life was limited..and it was usually me every few months who approached him for sex and if I said you never approach me he said he never wanted to bother me. We never in 10 years went to bed together. He always stayed up late 'working'. I went thru a crisis few years ago because ofcourse the lack of love and affection both emotional and physical affects your self esteem but somehow calmed myself and said to myself that I shouldn't be ungrateful - he is very very nice, doesn't beat me up, lets me do whatever so to be unhappy for lack of love is just me over demanding. And I got used to life like that. About 10 days ago I found all this. And he has relationships with multiple girls. Some teenagers (college age) as well. Over the past 8 years (from what I traced from his account) he has sent his picture to over 350 women just to give you an idea of the degree of the problem. I am in total shock. Yesterday was the first time I cried before that I was just shocked. If someone else told me and I didnt see it with my own eyes, I would have said they are lying and would have fought with them -- that's how much I trusted him. I actually found a wierd email address logged into hotmail a few years ago along with some porn on the computer and he just said that a coworker had used his computer and I didnt even give it a second thought - that's how much I trusted him eyes closed. I'm very bitter. I'm bitter for the lack of love and affection for the past 10 years. I'm bitter for hte lies..I'm bitter for him marrying me just to show society while in reality he has a sick perverse mind. Divorce is really looked down up on in our culture but I spoke to my mom and she is disgusted and will support me. My brother on the other hand pointed out that he is obviously mentally sick (he has gone to extremes to create a very perfect image of himself, yet he has inner desires that he cannot express in a healthy way so he has this alter ego created). I am a Computer Science background and he knows that so he as actually created a separate Virtual Machine which he logs into to do his stuff. He does it every single night even while I'm still there and says he's just working. I've hacked into his account twice in the last week so he's somewhat suspicious about getting caught yet he's still doing it. I have 2 daughters who are my main concern. Is it my job to help him get therapy? I dont think regardless I will be able to even respect him again, forget love. For him to do this to me and take years of my life and ignore me while he was just living his fantasies thru other people. Not really sure if it is my job to get him help. Or if it will even make a difference now. Any advice / thoughts?
dreamingoftigers Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Hello I know your pain quite well. Whether or not you leave is a very personal decision. I can practically guarantee you that your husband is a sexual addict. Nothing you did or are made him this way and nothing you did or are can change that. There is treatments available for sexual addiction, it does not surprise me in the least that your husband has a religious occupation. Sexual addicts often flourish there for two reasons 1. They struggle with the addiction and try to get close to help 2. When they fail at being honest and forthcoming about their problems their job serves as the perfect cover. First get some help and supports for yourself, your self-esteem is and has taken one Hell of a hit if you decide to stat with your husband and try to access treatment with him and he is avoidant, expect to take many more hits. Your husband is not a monster but his addictive-demon is. Kind of like the movie "alien". He has this thing inside him that he probably wasn't even aware of until it took over and started damaging everything in his life. Check out s-anon, cosa etc. For group times and availability JUST FOR SUPPORT FOR YOURSELF do not believe that these groups are the be all and end all of treatment, far from it. Another thing is order some books, get educated before you confront his ass on his behaviors. Record his goings on and keep them in a safe place. My husband moved really fast to delete everything when I caught him. Books: hope and freedom for sexual addicts and their partners by Milton Magness Out of the shadows by Patrick carnes Don't Call it Love by Patrick Carnes Facing the Shadow by Patrick Carnes Gather all that you can and look in your area for a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist. A regular therapist knows squat about how to deal with these guys. Period. A lot of them are well-meaning but they don't see this stuff everyday so it snows them. Post up more and I will respond when I am feeling better. Quite sick, but I never can ignore the wives.
Author nostalgic79 Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 Thanks dreamingoftigers - your post helped a lot. Actually my husband is not in a religious profession, he's an IT guy, but he appears outwardly religious. Also, the more I think about it...if it was just porn, I would be willing to let it go to therapy. Even if it was just pure cybersex with a random person, I would be willing to try to forgive equating it to just plain sex with a random prostitute (not ok but just sex still). But he has relationships with these people online. He shares his life with them. He hears about their life. He shows them affection and care (something that I never got - I always got the 'you need to be independent and take care of yourself. I'm not going to baby you so be strong'. He puts energy towards them. He buys them gifts (ie victorias secret pajamas, etc - something that he never ever did for me, even when we first got married, and whenever I said I want YOU to buy stuff for me, it was always 'You have access to all the cc's and money you want, you can get whatever you want - I dont know what you want, blah blah'. And I accepted that ok u know what he is not capable of that but apparently he is). He has gone so far as to have a secret credit card that he uses and a secret google voice number. So obviously he is capable of making an effort for these people. And there have been many 'relationships' over the past 8 years. And even if he was like this with all these people, and treated me the same, I would still have a reason to forgive because he gave me his love and affection but I never got any of that, so I'm so bitter about that and why do I need to deal with him going thru treatment etc...for what? No part of me will ever forgive him for how he ruined my life when I literally just accepted everything. I dealt with a lot of **** from his parents. I went thru a very high risk pregnancy after 2 2nd trimester miscarriages and after the delivery, went into postpartum psychosis primarily because I never had anyone to talk to or discuss with since he was always busy during that time. And yet, he was showing love and affection to other people during that time. He was actually in a specific relationship. This is the kind of stuff I can't forget. He didnt care about me or the kids or our life when he did this. So why should I care about him? i think I can manage alone without him. It will be tough, especially socially, because our culture really looks down upon divorces..but what else can I do? I know for a fact that I can't forgive him as long as I am with him and I know the love will never come back. I fell out of love at least 3-4 years ago but still respected him so much and had that respect love for him and I would have stayed with him forever because of that. But now I dont even have that. Im' sorry I just went on and on but my point is that it is not just a sexual addiction. Its more.
dreamingoftigers Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Sexual addiction usually comprises a whole twisting of intimacy. So it is still not off the mark. But in your case you seem quite well past the point of wanting to work on it (and quite rightfully so!) I know that you said that you culture does not believe in divorce, but I am quite sure that they don't believe in treating a marriage so shoddily either. I say this and it might sound quite odd: be glad that it was as bad as it was, if he had given you half-measures of joy and hope you might be inclined to go through the nightmarish recovery process with him. As for now, heal yourself up, kick him hard and get as much as you can for your girls. Good luck.
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