That_girl Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 I don't know what to do about this anymore. I'm 26 years old and I am on my own, in enormous debt, and working a job that doesn't pay nearly enough. I just broke up with my boyfriend about a month ago, and I was supposed to be moving in with him. He was borderline abusive and had violent tendencies so I got to a point where I had to do it. My friends kept pressuring me to break up with him as well. But I feel like I can't get on without him....he couldn't have been that bad. And at least I had something to look forward to. Now I come home to an empty apartment because my roommate is usually out. And she is ridiculously pretty and cool, has a lot going for her, so even when she is around I get uncomfortable because I feel insecure that I don't have that much going on. Granted I am pretty too, and well educated...but I just don't have her confidence or ambition. I guess that's why I was in an abusive relationship to begin with...I'm a very insecure person. My last ex cheated on me in the beginning of our relationship...and I just never got over it. He says it was just a kiss, and some touching....but I sabotaged the whole thing in the end because I just couldn't get over it. Sometimes I feel like I might have made him upset to the point that he would have to punch objects around me. My first boyfriend in high school was physically abusive towards me and he used to do that as well at first. I'm wondering if it's me....or them. My recent ex never actually hit me, but he has grabbed my arms and shook me a few times. Every time this has happened with either him or my last ex, it's because I refused to talk to them after getting upset. I do this thing where I'll walk away from them and expect them to come after me and apologize. But with both relationships it ended up with these guys getting physical. The first one was worst than my last, but I feel like my last boyfriend would have eventually left bruises on me someday. I guess it's just intuition. I did have a normal relationship for a period of 3 years in between, but I ruined that my own insecurity and possessiveness. I definitely need help. I don't want to be medicated, I just want to learn to get over my insecurity and my anxiety and be a normal person. I want to have outside interests and not be so fixated on a relationship that is so toxic to me. I want to continue my education someday and maybe even travel a bit. But with all of my debt I just feel so stuck. I'm in the same city that I've grown in up all my life, and I haven't been on many vacations. I was able to get government assistance to cover my degree, but now I feel that the degree I worked so hard on is more of a hindrance to my well-being than anything because I 'm so much in debt because of it. I feel like I just can't handle myself anymore. I'm lost. And not only that....I'm alone. My family is also struggling with their own issues. My older brother is a shell of his former self and he is a very abusive relationship with a very manipulative woman. He has lost about 50 pounds since he has been with her. He has OCD and it has gotten much, much worse. My mom also had OCD but has been on medication for over 10 years for that and her depression. She is 50 years and divorced..living alone with three cats. I don't even wanna get into my dad (alcoholic, absentee, selfish man). Generally, it's not only my own situation that depresses me....it's those around me as well. I feel like life is just much too difficult right now and that I'm not motivated enough to make a change. I can't concentrate on anything these days. And I smoke like a chimney. I don't want to do this to myself but it's just so hard to climb out of this funk I'm in. I know that there are people that have it MUCH worse than I do. And I don't understand how THEY cope either. I hate life.
kbme311 Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 I'm sorry you're going through all this. You need to get counselling in order to work on yourself. Join some classes or groups to get out and meet some people so you're not so isolated. Let your family deal with their own problems. As for your debt, there are debtlines and debtcounsellors that can help sort that out with you. Get in contact with them and let them help you draw up a plan to reduce your debt. Try and eat healthily and exercise.
Feelin Frisky Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Sorry you're suffering too. Please don't waste any time getting help. There is no shame in getting help yourself even if the people around you have real diagnosable mental illnesses as interaction with unstable people can make anyone a wreck. Make an appointment right away for a doctor or psychiatrist directly and don't look back. Consider that smoking is a self-medication that is not getting you anywhere--it's time for real medicine and real honesty. It's important to start connecting with other people too but if that's not forth-coming, please continue to post your struggle here so we can give you the little bit of support we can. Good luck.
SxB Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 (edited) "Extremely depressed" It's alright, we all have our down points through out the course of our lives, it's up and down, you will fall...it's inevitable, whether to get back up or not is up to you and at times it isn't an overnight process. Depression is when we think we have no escape, start being confident in being certain that an escape/solution exist for you. We don't always have to know a solution right away in order to be happy. Start changing everything around in Life- find what works, find what doesn't. Never be passive, be aggressive in order to live how you want. Start building purposes in your Life, the beauty of purpose is that you can build many. Start thinking about people who truly have NO solutions to there problems in Life and NEVER will because ****s that bad for them....start helping them, start having appreciation FOR yourself, start having appreciation for Life, stop taking things for granted, and realize that...tomorrow you might very well be dead laying in the morgue. Leave this World being all you can be, do everything you can with what you have, and always keep going. Have an open mind. Start seeing things as "I don't really care, no big deal" and "it has a fix". Start taking action and do things you really want to be doing, one of the best things about Life is that you can spend it in anyway you want-- that doesn't mean it will always be a hope and jump, no...things take work, but you can easily turn work into play if you are going towards a direction you really want. Things have a negative and positive side to it, look at the bright side, why not? you haven't got anything to lose only things to gain. Never forget either that emotions are a choice, that's the good of being our ultimate creators, we are in control. Keep reminding yourself you are no victim. Keep reminding yourself how useless sorrow is, work on having no sorrow at all, replace it with inner strength. Learn about respect, honor, loyalty, and pride. Realize you deserve to be happy. Work on your codependency. "In peace sons bury there fathers, but in war fathers bury there sons" .... Life can be a lot like war. Realize you have to be a warrior in Life not a worrier. Better to be solution driven, than to be problem driven. Stand up to yourself, as needed. Have value. Toss in the trashcan things that don't help you. If there is one person you can trust, it's actually you. Put yourself first. Love yourself the most. Change for you, not for others. Believe in yourself. Stop doubting yourself. Believe in what you're capable of doing. Be smarter than your depression. Make being depressed a choice. Out of all this hurt you feel...you think you're dumb? hell no, just start learning from it. "26" You're younger than ****. "I just broke up with my boyfriend about a month ago, and I was supposed to be moving in with him. He was borderline abusive and had violent tendencies so I got to a point where I had to do it. " Good, you dodged a bullet and whatever happened between you and him doesn't mean you are weak. You stopped being his doormat the minute you broke it off with him. "My friends kept pressuring me to break up with him as well." You wouldn't had broken up with your boy friend if you didn't want too. Think Romeo and Juliet. "in enormous debt" It's hard having very little Money, but just work on finding a solution for that, some type of extra income. Also, money comes and money goes- never put your trust into Money. But some day you will learn how to be more financially responsible (if you aren't already and had no choice for that debt). "And at least I had something to look forward to" It's great to have something to look forward to when you can't rely on yourself for much happiness, but the guy wasn't the real deal...anything you liked about him was all lies and made up out of his manipulation, the real him was some one you didn't care much for. "Now I come home to an empty apartment because my roommate is usually out. And she is ridiculously pretty and cool, has a lot going for her, so even when she is around I get uncomfortable because I feel insecure that I don't have that much going on. Granted I am pretty too, and well educated...but I just don't have her confidence or ambition." Stop comparing yourself to her. Start focusing on being some one you want to be. And another thing to look at it is, you can change, you just have to hand yourself that opportunity and option and it's a done deal. "I'm a very insecure person." The World can't offer you any security, only opportunity. Even if you think you can't possibly be secure all on your own, stop using the outside World for it, what this will do is force you towards yourself in order to overcome things, if you give yourself the World to try and use in order to feel better then you will never learn to rely on yourself. "My last ex cheated on me in the beginning of our relationship...and I just never got over it" Let go of the ego. Start trusting in yourself. Trust things you are only compatible with. When we walk out a relationship it's important that we give ourselves only the choice to either walk out the same person or stronger. Relationships are also risks, not guarantees. "Sometimes I feel like I might have made him upset to the point that he would have to punch objects around me." We aren't in control of others. "I'm wondering if it's me....or them." They all can't be winners can they? but if you like the bad boys find one who doesn't abuse you, they exist. "My recent ex never actually hit me, but he has grabbed my arms and shook me a few times. Every time this has happened with either him or my last ex, it's because I refused to talk to them after getting upset." Get very heavy into martial arts. We can't control the actions of others but we can learn to kick people in the nuts harder than a hailstorm before a tornado comes. "I do this thing where I'll walk away from them and expect them to come after me and apologize." Work on not being passive aggressive. "I definitely need help. I don't want to be medicated, I just want to learn to get over my insecurity and my anxiety and be a normal person" Medicine helps, you aren't weak if you take medicine. Anxiety is a mode you switch on/off. There is no such thing as normal people, but I see what you mean, you want to just be yourself and be free. Start seeing everything as a big fat choice. "I want to have outside interests and not be so fixated on a relationship that is so toxic to me." Find hobbies, the World has much thrills to offer, try something new and exciting. Start taking risks. Life is all risk. Crawl it or walk it. Start facing real fears. Stop caring about rejection, it's rare for any of us for something to work out in one shot, it takes many times before we reach success with something, and that's all part of Lifes charm, nothing would be as fun otherwise...and that's just it, start looking at things as an adventure, as fun, as something to enjoy while you actually do it. Start working on moving on and start focusing on your future and how you will choose to be from now on. "I want to continue my education someday and maybe even travel a bit." Keep telling yourself you will reach that point some day. You start with the belief in something. You stop doubting. And you start carrying around with you everywhere you go some affirmation. "I'm in the same city that I've grown in up all my life" Move to a place you really want to be. Work up to it once you finish with your debt, for now put it in your mind. "I feel like I just can't handle myself anymore. I'm lost. And not only that....I'm alone" You can handle yourself, you're just having trouble handling the rest of the World. No, you aren't lost, you're just afraid. Step it up a notch and face fear, it's OK to feel fear, just make sure you face it...every time. Good, you're alone, you wouldn't want the annoying itch and added stress of having some one else in your Life right now and having a truckload of new problems when you're already going through enough turmoil. That's not to say when we find some one who we really want to be with that it's not usually a peaceful experience it is, but still. Anyway, you are the only one who can rescue you. Be a leader of yourself. The real question of all time in our lives isn't "how do we do something ?" real question is "do I want to or not?". It's OK to feel like ****, but keep moving a long, keep snapping yourself out of it. Keep breathing. Keep living. "My family is also struggling with their own issues. My older brother is a shell of his former self and he is a very abusive relationship with a very manipulative woman. He has lost about 50 pounds since he has been with her. He has OCD and it has gotten much, much worse" He's a big boy, makes his own choice, and lives his own Life. "My mom also had OCD but has been on medication for over 10 years for that and her depression. She is 50 years and divorced..living alone with three cats. I don't even wanna get into my dad (alcoholic, absentee, selfish man)." Even if we had the most perfect parents on Earth-- happiness would still be up to us. "Generally, it's not only my own situation that depresses me....it's those around me as well." They are them, you are you. You aren't forced into being an emotional tampon. "I feel like life is just much too difficult right now and that I'm not motivated enough to make a change" Things are difficult for you right now it's OK, Life is a roller coaster, keep that in mind.... how you deal with that is all that matters. Sit back, relax, enjoy the ride, stop caring about things that bring you down, build what you want. Motivation seeds from wanting to go on and having something to look forward too, build that. Motivation seeds from having good selfesteem. Happiness seeds from good selfesteem and independence, amongst many other things will come to find. "I can't concentrate on anything these days." Start writing things out, stop forcing yourself to be wicked fast, stop forcing yourself to be perfect, stop taking things too seriously, do things at your own pace. Slowly work your way to the better. Slowly teach yourself how to handle bad times. See the bigger picture to things. And consider yourself on a mission. Get on a path that will lead you to success, first step is just getting on the path, then just stay on that path, there will be roadblocks and obstacle inevitably but that doesn't have to matter. "And I smoke like a chimney." Again, start working out each day and start practicing martial arts each day and work on no longer being passive. "And I don't understand how THEY cope either." Some don't. Stop worrying about "other" people. They are them, you are you, as I stated earlier. Don't let others be your judge- you be it instead. Never be a doormat. And stop seeking approval, validate yourself and move on. Stop searching for reassurance outside yourself, you're guaranteed not to find it. "I hate life." It's easy to hate Life when times are bad, it's easy to love Life when things are good for us. Don't hold your breath waiting for "better days". Edited May 4, 2011 by SxB
VicJay79 Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 That_Girl, You are not alone. We are all sad inside, at least the majority of us are. Just remember that you can get through this. I have my own problems of being so needy when I finally find someone that I push them away. I see my heart beat so quick when I get 'her' call even though I know I will end up giving more of me then she will ever give me back. WHY because I am one needy sob. Its all about insecurities! I am glad you left your boyfriend. He seems like a total dick, and honestly you deserve better then that. Everyone deserves better then that. Your friends are great because they encouraged you to do the right thing. No man has the right to touch you without your consent, and no real man would! Physical abuse towards women is just horrible, and I am ashamed for the boys (not men) in your life that did that. Life is tough. If you feel like your trapped, try applying for jobs outside of your current city/state. You might just need a change of place. If you haven't gone to college, go, get a degree and be more marketable. In terms of relationships, look for a man that treats you like a princess. There are tons of guys out there, trust me on that, and forgive them if they are a bit needy :-) I don't know what to do about this anymore. I'm 26 years old and I am on my own, in enormous debt, and working a job that doesn't pay nearly enough. I just broke up with my boyfriend about a month ago, and I was supposed to be moving in with him. He was borderline abusive and had violent tendencies so I got to a point where I had to do it. My friends kept pressuring me to break up with him as well. But I feel like I can't get on without him....he couldn't have been that bad. And at least I had something to look forward to. Now I come home to an empty apartment because my roommate is usually out. And she is ridiculously pretty and cool, has a lot going for her, so even when she is around I get uncomfortable because I feel insecure that I don't have that much going on. Granted I am pretty too, and well educated...but I just don't have her confidence or ambition. I guess that's why I was in an abusive relationship to begin with...I'm a very insecure person. My last ex cheated on me in the beginning of our relationship...and I just never got over it. He says it was just a kiss, and some touching....but I sabotaged the whole thing in the end because I just couldn't get over it. Sometimes I feel like I might have made him upset to the point that he would have to punch objects around me. My first boyfriend in high school was physically abusive towards me and he used to do that as well at first. I'm wondering if it's me....or them. My recent ex never actually hit me, but he has grabbed my arms and shook me a few times. Every time this has happened with either him or my last ex, it's because I refused to talk to them after getting upset. I do this thing where I'll walk away from them and expect them to come after me and apologize. But with both relationships it ended up with these guys getting physical. The first one was worst than my last, but I feel like my last boyfriend would have eventually left bruises on me someday. I guess it's just intuition. I did have a normal relationship for a period of 3 years in between, but I ruined that my own insecurity and possessiveness. I definitely need help. I don't want to be medicated, I just want to learn to get over my insecurity and my anxiety and be a normal person. I want to have outside interests and not be so fixated on a relationship that is so toxic to me. I want to continue my education someday and maybe even travel a bit. But with all of my debt I just feel so stuck. I'm in the same city that I've grown in up all my life, and I haven't been on many vacations. I was able to get government assistance to cover my degree, but now I feel that the degree I worked so hard on is more of a hindrance to my well-being than anything because I 'm so much in debt because of it. I feel like I just can't handle myself anymore. I'm lost. And not only that....I'm alone. My family is also struggling with their own issues. My older brother is a shell of his former self and he is a very abusive relationship with a very manipulative woman. He has lost about 50 pounds since he has been with her. He has OCD and it has gotten much, much worse. My mom also had OCD but has been on medication for over 10 years for that and her depression. She is 50 years and divorced..living alone with three cats. I don't even wanna get into my dad (alcoholic, absentee, selfish man). Generally, it's not only my own situation that depresses me....it's those around me as well. I feel like life is just much too difficult right now and that I'm not motivated enough to make a change. I can't concentrate on anything these days. And I smoke like a chimney. I don't want to do this to myself but it's just so hard to climb out of this funk I'm in. I know that there are people that have it MUCH worse than I do. And I don't understand how THEY cope either. I hate life.
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