frenchmanfl Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Some may have read a recent post where I explained that my wife's ( separated ) possibly living with OM ( I get so many mixed signals on this one. Even my Mother in Law who has been on my side this whole time says in an e-mail " I don't think she is romantically involved with this guy, he is just so far away from anyone she would find attractive...." I don't know but I have stopped thinking about it. ) Father was viciously assaulted on Monday and has been in hospital since Monday. LC is still in effect and the only communication has been when she has started it, but I could not maintain the cold front when someone whom I have known for 25 years and her Father is in such critical condition. To my joy, I have had my son every night this week ( my strength right now even if he doesn't know it ). My wife and I are the only family down here for them and not only is Dad in hospital but her step mom is dying of cancer. It's a very difficult time for my wife ( which provides me food for thought as to some of the reasons why she is going through MLC ).I will always admit that things weren't perfect, I was far from it. Anyway, tonight my wife calls to let me know what to pack for my son for the next couple of days ( cool, kid talk ) I respond. But then she goes into the difficult stories about how the hospital has done this, how tired she is, how this doctor is great and so on. I quietly listen and am attentive and add one comment at the end. If anyone read a letter I sent to my wife the day after her Father's accident they will know that the primary premise of it was founded on how I could be counted on and trusted more than anyone to be there to carry the heavy load during a family crisis, that no one else ( possible OM ) could. Sure enough, my wife has to work this weekend ( hotel / Manager on Duty / one weekend every four months ) Before our crash, I was supposed to join her and my son on Sunday to enjoy the beach and be a family. That's long gone...but because she can't get away from work, she asked me if I could help with her Dad and Step Mom, shopping and whatever, things I said I would jump to do as her husband. I had to answer her text with " of course I will help " and that was it. Some might respond to this saying " sucker " " you should have told her you were busy ". To which I respond, sorry, while I would be lying if I didn't hope that this might make my wife reflect on the value I bring to her life, I am walking into this saying that I have known these people for 26 years and love them all. They don't have anyone else but me and even if it doesn't raise my status even slightly with my wife, I know I will have done the right thing. However, I will just do and slide away. In a month my wife is supposed to be moving into a house that was supposed to be our new house. She said she wants me to move into an apt. What a life ! I hold out no hope right now, but this LC thing is not easy when life throws all of these things at you. Having said that, as mentioned I initiate nothing and I keep my responses short. THe hardest part of LC besides dying to talk to your spouse when those little things happen is learning how to talk when you have to. To find the right tone that is not angry and not sad. I still haven't found the right sound, but I need to find it. My belief is that it has to sound genuine, relaxed and confident, without sounding like your faking it. Hard when you feel so damn lost sometimes. My heart aches for her. Anyway thanks for listening. As has been the case with so many on this site, I am finding this therapy, a place to spill out what is in my head while both digesting and assimilating the information. So lucky i found this place. I do think though that LC is a living beast, without fixed rules. The hardest part is that women are so much better at the silent treatment than we men are and it unnerves me when I go quiet and she goes quieter. Does she even think about me ? Does she feel any pain ? It doesn't sound like it in her voice. I hate that !
robf1971 Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Does she feel any pain ? It doesn't sound like it in her voice. I hate that ! Stop trying to read this woman's mind... My take on it, stop being the nice guy. I don't mean be a jerk to her. Wife rings you up? "Frenchman, can you help me? Your reply " I'd love to but I got plans for tonight, I'm on my way out, bye" You will then get lots of text messages from her, most of them really nasty. However, ignore her long enough and you might get an apology. It's called getting your respect back... Right now being a nice compliant guy is only serving to make her even more unattracted to you. Women subconciously test men all the time, they need a man who will stand up for them and their family. She's testing you man... Ohh for heavens sake get a lawyer...
TaraMaiden Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 When it comes to helping those truly in need and because it would make their life easier, do it. When it comes to helping her personally, simply because she's using you as a convenient errand-boy, and thinks you'll do it, sucker...refuse. And get a lawyer.
robf1971 Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 When it comes to helping those truly in need and because it would make their life easier, do it. When it comes to helping her personally, simply because she's using you as a convenient errand-boy, and thinks you'll do it, sucker...refuse. And get a lawyer. Damn right. Why do guys think being meek and compliant to a wayward wife will make them change their mind? I just don't get it. She left you
Author frenchmanfl Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 Guys really ? Father viciously assaulted, wife dying of cancer and I should say " sorry can't help this weekend got plans " ? I spent 25 years with this family and in those years they did tons for me. Moving day for both my wife and I is coming up and she is going to ask me to help her with hers. On that I will say no. One has to pick their battles.
TaraMaiden Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 That was my point exactly. When it comes to doing things for them, nothing should be too much trouble. When it comes to doing things for her, then consider the motive behind the request. 9 times out of 10 it will be based on the selfish requirement of wanting you to jump at her every whim.
Author frenchmanfl Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 thanks Tara..I hated saying yes and my every fiber wanted to say screw you but on this one, I can't play by the normal LC rules.
Author frenchmanfl Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 ps while I appreciate and understand the desire to defend the dumpee ( me ), I believe it's necessary for judgement to be made on what the dumpee might have contributed to the current state of affairs. I understand that the dumper has reacted terribly and selfishly but I, for one, appreciate many of things I did wrong in my marriage to have caused this. She isn't running from a wonderful marriage but one that needed fixing long ago. I hate my wife for taking things this route but I will not act like the innocent victim in shock and unable to fathom why she might have reached this point.
TaraMaiden Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 This is what I'm always telling people.... Say a partner is unfaithful and has an affair with a colleague. it's the action that ends the marriage. so the unfaithful partner is at fault, and entirely to blame for the way things have gone. But the Responsibility for the day-to-day maintenance, care and nurturing of the relationship, is 50-50. each partner is 100% responsible for the relationship, and each has to contribute 100% to looking after it, helping it evolve, blossom, grow, mature and flourish. It's a double-act. Many people resist this factor, and maintain that they did nothing wrong. It's not a question of doing something wrong. it's a question sometimes of not doing enough, and taking the relationship for granted..... Everything needs TLC and guidance, steering and good judgement. Relationships included.
robf1971 Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Many people resist this factor, and maintain that they did nothing wrong. . Yep, but it is only when both people want to work on the relationship when both party's contributions to the marriage demise should be worked through in MC. At the moment Frenchman sitting there plutzing about what he's done wrong isn't gonna do him any good. He needs to be strongnarm with his wife.
debtman Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Tough situation, but you made the right choice. The thing she needed help with was out of her control, doesn't seem like she is trying to take advantage of you and you're making the right decision. I've done many things in the past 6 months to "help" my stbx (packing the stuff she left in the house, helping her move it to her new house, taking the kids if she needs to work, etc.), but I realize that I'm doing those things because it will reduce animosity, help ease our situation and that will only help make things easier on the kids, which is the most important thing. Regardless of my anger and frustration at her for throwing our 10 year relationship away, taking half of my kids lives away from me and putting me into financial hardship, I still have to think about what is best for the kids. Understanding and admitting to your shortcomings is a HUGE thing and, hard as it is, it will be the best thing for you down the road as it will make the next relationship you get into that much stronger. Good luck and keep posting...
Author frenchmanfl Posted May 5, 2011 Author Posted May 5, 2011 thank you debtman, I have been reading your story...mine has taken another evolution today but i won't post about it until I have all the facts. Less to do with my wife and I and our personal emotional journey and more to do with the structure around us. It is giving me an opportunity to act as an outside adviser. To man up and make a decision that effects the entire family. Anyway, thank you for the advice. The most important statement referred to how to apply LC. At first the only way I could get around the concept was to blow her off " but I have realized that the idea is rather to give your spouse a taste of the calm, sweet you, to remind her of the person you are inside but then pulling back. Not so long ago I would go into a conversation with my wife and all I could think about was to try and get her to give me something that would tell me that she was still in this fight for us. If she didn't I would walk away frustrated and inevitably return a few minutes later with some search for answers. Now I insert myself into a conversation about our son, with calm and reason AND kindness where it's warranted, then the conversation closes and I don't talk to her for the rest of the day and night. I don't call in the morning ( if my son is there ) or the entire day, if I know my son will be there the next evening. Complete silence. But when she comes back to talk, I am open, relaxed. I was doing it wrong the first days. I might actually post these sentiments in separate post because it's critical information for some. I know that I had to feel my way around.
debtman Posted May 5, 2011 Posted May 5, 2011 Now I insert myself into a conversation about our son, with calm and reason AND kindness where it's warranted, then the conversation closes and I don't talk to her for the rest of the day and night. I don't call in the morning ( if my son is there ) or the entire day, if I know my son will be there the next evening. Complete silence. But when she comes back to talk, I am open, relaxed. EXCELLENT! That's the key to NC/LC (at least it has been for me). It doesn't mean that you don't see her or communicate with her (especially since you have kids), it's just that you don't make yourself emotionally available. You don't let her see how you're affected, what she's doing to you, how her decisions/actions impact you, etc. It's tough to maintain, but critical to re-establishing yourself and focusing on 180. Nice job and excellent observation! Good luck and keep posting...
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