celebration Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 ok..i dated this guy for 8 months, everything seemed cool until my birthday in March. he claimed he forgot and finally showed up with a gift a week after my birthday, then vanished...for real..i mean disappear.. he changed his number, deleted me as a contact from his blackberry, basically cut all ties from me, except for facebook. At first i was super mad that he would just dump me without any explanation, but i still tried to contact him via facebook saying how hurt/disappointed i was that he just left me. He never replied, which even hurt me more, because i knew for sure he must have read the email as he constantly posted pictures of carribean trips and vacations he had recently gone. Then out of the blues,(exactly 1 month after he bailed on me) he sends me a text...saying he knows he doesn't deserve me but he's really sorry about what he did and would like to see me to explain stuff. I really want to see him too because i miss him. Now my friends are saying...oh he's contacting you for sex....and stuff like that. i know that could be true but i really want to give him the benefit of explaining himself...moreso i need closure. I just met some other guy who i'm not exactly crazy about because i just can't get my ex out of my head. i keep comparing him to my ex. I dont know how to reply to this messages of plea he's sending me...he basically wants to meet with me....and i'm speechless... I want to say yes..but i dont want to come off as needy...or was waiting around for him, at the same time...i miss him so much and dont want to waste this opportunity of him getting in touch. HELP!
FrostFire Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 I would question what happened over those 8 months of your relationship with him? Need more details on a period of those 8 months (which is a quite awhile) to want to just up and leave? Perhaps he truly did forget your birthday and was extremely embarrassed over it. Maybe something has happened in his past to make him feel like it was over because he missed your birthday. Truth is your mind is still on him and you want closure. Ok, just realize by you wanting closure you are getting back together with a guy that has hurt you by just blatantly cutting off all contact with you. What is it in this guy that you adore so much about him over those 8 months that makes you want to see him again? It's your choice if you want to see him again or not. Since 8 months is a bit of time I would just hear him out. Don't make any decisions at that moment though. (that's what he wants you to do) Instead give it some time and think about it. Watch his reaction and how things go. If he's being genuinely honest then it's your decision.
Author celebration Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 yeah 8 months is a while... we had both recently got out of relationships(that lasted 5yrs each) and it seemed like we had found what we both wanted in our previous lives in eachother. He had all the characters i wanted in a guy.. we had passion for similar activities.. we always made comments on how compatible we were. though we sometimes had difficulty gaining common grounds beacuse we are from different backgrounds. e.g cultural differences. but we always said : 2 people can make it work if they really want to...regardless of colour, race e.t.c I sometimes think maybe he couldn't cope with the differences but thats me thinking or making excuses for him. maybe he saw some things in me that he did not like. I just wish he had at least said something before walking out.
FrostFire Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 See I'm just wondering if because of the cultural differences or backgrounds that he felt he let you down by forgetting your birthday. Maybe he expected a certain reaction and he didn't get it so therefor he felt you were pissed? Of course, I might just be giving him an excuse. I don't understand how one guy would say all that and then just up and leave. It doesn't make sense and I can see why you want closure on this. The fact is, you may not get the closure you're wanting it may just be another way for him to play games with you in him telling you what he knows you want to hear. I say... let him tell his side and explain himself but don't make any decisions then. Keep on dating this other guy and finding the good qualities in this man and do your best to stop comparing him to your ex. I would move on with your life and let this guy really chase you if he wants you back that bad. He thinks by explaining and apologizing everything will be all better. He needs to understand that you can move on in life which is why you don't want to make any decisions when he's telling you everything. If he is serious about you he will do amazing things to get back your attention more than when he did the first time. You can choose how you want to react to this. If he doesn't pursue you any further after then you now have closure and can move on with another guy. One more thing... Did you have a sexual relationship with your Ex? If so, at what point during the relationship was this? If not don't worry about it.
Author celebration Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 Thanks for the reply, yes we were very intimate and our first sexual experience was on the first real date...very wrong i know...and truly expected him to walk after that first date(in thought that i was cheap/loose and gave it all up on a first date). But he was back and back in full force. I tried often times to talk about what he felt about having sex with someone on the first date, and he said it didn't feel like a first date to him, as he had dreamed about that day for weeks. At that time it was the perfect answer, but now i'm thinking if he sees me differently. He mostly talked about how well we connect, now i'm rephrasing that to mean sexually. God this hurts!...just the thought that i was thinking one way (future) and he the other (sex) makes it hard. But then i may be wrong.
FrostFire Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 (edited) yes we were very intimate and our first sexual experience was on the first real date. But he was back and back in full force. Of course he came back because you offered everything all at once. I wouldn't know any man to turn down sex. He was back in full force because you gave him what every guy's goal is at some point, SEX! It's because of this there's a possibility he got bored after awhile. A very common occurrence when all's he wanted was some action whenever he wanted. I tried often times to talk about what he felt about having sex with someone on the first date, and he said it didn't feel like a first date to him, as he had dreamed about that day for weeks. At that time it was the perfect answer, but now i'm thinking if he sees me differently. A big red flag! He dreamed about getting into your pants for weeks? I think it's safe to say that's all he wanted. Nothing more and nothing less. He saw you differently the moment you let him into your pants so willingly. He mostly talked about how well we connect, now i'm rephrasing that to mean sexually. Good you should be rephrasing it because you are correct in your assumption. That's all he wanted from you once you gave it to him so easily. Now he's not getting it and wants it again which is why he wants you back. Since you were easy before he figures an apology can get him right back into your pants pretty much, lol. I wouldn't waste my time with this guy to be honest. He'll just lead you on further and further. Best thing you can do is just do your best to cope with the simple fact of him using you. God this hurts!...just the thought that i was thinking one way (future) and he the other (sex) makes it hard. But then i may be wrong. Yes it hurts. On the bright side you have moved on and found another guy. Congrats and forget about this other one. There's no closure needed now. He used you fair and square for sex and toyed with your emotions and feelings into thinking (future). He became only interested in sex because you willingly gave him what he wanted. You weren't a "challenge." Not trying to be rude or anything and I hope you don't take it as such. Edited May 4, 2011 by FrostFire
Author celebration Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 geez..the truth is bitter! and it hurts! and sucks!. the good thing is I have someone in my life now..and i had better start being grateful this new guy came around, i can't imagine feeling so crappy while being all by myself. thanks for your unbiased comments..we all need neutral people to set us on the right paths.
FrostFire Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 No problem! The amazing thing about life is we have the ability to move on. We never know what the future brings to us but life is so amazing every day. Take a moment and look outside just to see how awesome it really is. Then take a moment to think about this new guy you have in your life and see all the good in him. You've moved on and it shows. He hasn't and oh well that's his problem not yours! Don't let someone that used you like that have the key back to your heart. He's not worth it!
Professor X Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 You should meet him, but ONLY for the closure part. Keep in mind that no matter what he says, you will not promise him to meet him in the future or anything like that. Don't exchange any details whatsoever in order to further strength your relation. Remember, while it's very possible that he wants sex right now, that is not the issue; The main issue is that he just left you all of a sudden without saying a damn word (?!?!?!?!?!), and that is simply an unacceptable behavior from any person, especially from one that you've been with for 8 months! I know it's gonna be hard with all the feelings and stuff, but you gotta remember that he stomped all over you when he did what he did and I can't think of any reason for someone to act in such a way. Perhaps it will be best if you go to that meeting with a friend - just to watch you and make sure he doesn't sweep you off your feet and somehow make a move on you (a kiss, etc).
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