Introduction, delurking, I'm a MW having EA, appreciate your wisdom

May 4, 2011

If I implied that it's my H's fault that I'm emotionally cheating, I apologize. I believe it is some flaw in my personality that made me fall for my AP's charm. I even wonder if he has the narcissistic personality that is often discussed, and maybe he could tell I was vulnerable.

Welcome, Fascinated!

Everyone has written great responses.

Exploring the subject of BPD/NPD through books and websites, as well as coming here, prevented me from having an affair. Sounds to me like you're doing all the right things. Most people who are having affairs aren't interested in this sort of exploration. I always admire folks who come on this board and open themselves to others' feedback. Takes guts and honesty.

Hope you keep coming back.

May 4, 2011

Thanks, Breezy Trousers, have to wonder the source of your unusual username!

My friend has said he'll accept being friend-zoned if that's what I need, says he is happy to have whatever role in my life that I will allow. He's admitted to prior affairs (one that ended his marriage), but says this is more emotional and less physical, that he sees us doing things as friends more than hitting the sack. He's not rushed me into bed, that's for sure. I don't know if that's age or ED or what. I'm cynical enough to think he could be playing me because that's what I need to hear, or "he's just not that into me" or maybe we really are just friends and he's okay with that. IDK, I suppose time will tell, but it's got my mind in overdrive!

Edited May 4, 2011 by fascinated
typo

May 4, 2011

Thanks, sadintexas, very good points and "what you want to do with your life" is a strong statement to ring in my head. Hanging out in fantasyland isn't what I want to do with my life. I've considered visiting the therapist we've used for MC and FC just to talk about this. I've also thought I might be depressed since I've had difficulty enjoying and having enthusiasm for my normal interests and hobbies. Perhaps I need to get a grip and embrace my reality, which isn't that bad.

May 4, 2011

You metioned that if the situation were reversed ..you would be happy if your husband had someone else , because it would make the eventual divorce easier.

Your H's response to your telling him you were having an emotional affair was a "pouty face" and not much else. After 21 years of marriage, a man that wants to keep and protect his marriage does a lot more than that.

Im a bit jaded, I know...but an experienced realist as well. Be aware that your H may have the same idea as you.

May 4, 2011

My H doesn't strike me as the cheating type, but I could be wrong. He's also not your average macho man. It's been suggested that I'm his "beard" but I find that hard to believe. I think he deserves happiness. He's a good man trapped in a flawed marriage with me, and I'm less than a prize. I guess the right thing to do would be to work on being more of a prize, not less.

May 4, 2011

Ha. Love that response, funny really. You know, although you are certainly disctracted and entertained by this affair and the fantasy of what ifs...you really are not yet that invested in it.

Like you said - your H is a good guy. Maybe he is not for you and you, probably are not for him. OK.

You sound like a reasonable, and self reflective person. Dont crap over your husband, family, and self image just because you want to change your own life. If you leave under those circumstances...you will not be any happier with yourself. Leave, but without the garbage.

May 4, 2011

Thanks, appreciate the compliments. You are right about the garbage. Maybe this is just a wakeup call for me.

May 4, 2011

Ha. Love that response, funny really. You know, although you are certainly disctracted and entertained by this affair and the fantasy of what ifs...you really are not yet that invested in it.

Like you said - your H is a good guy. Maybe he is not for you and you, probably are not for him. OK.

You sound like a reasonable, and self reflective person. Dont crap over your husband, family, and self image just because you want to change your own life. If you leave under those circumstances...you will not be any happier with yourself. Leave, but without the garbage .

2sure's post is spot on and so is Sad's.........read them, over and over.

I sincerely hope that you will not take this thing farther, it will only increase your unhappiness after the initial rush of the affair. Don't complicate your life in this way....fix what needs fixing before embarking on another journey. It's the right way to do things.

May 4, 2011

I know. I will take these posts to heart. I appreciate the nonjudgmental honesty. I'm already looking at it in a different light.

May 5, 2011

Y

Your H's response to your telling him you were having an emotional affair was a "pouty face" and not much else. After 21 years of marriage, a man that wants to keep and protect his marriage does a lot more than that.

I thought much the same thing^^^^

Why isn't your H more concerned about the EA you're having? I'm not slamming him by any means. I just don't get it.

And then he teases you about it?

That is just weird.

If it is as you say, and there are always two sides to every story, why do you suppose he is so nonchalant?

May 5, 2011

I thought much the same thing^^^^

Why isn't your H more concerned about the EA you're having? I'm not slamming him by any means. I just don't get it.

And then he teases you about it?

That is just weird.

If it is as you say, and there are always two sides to every story, why do you suppose he is so nonchalant?

I think after 21 years of marriage and 30+ years of knowing him, he knows I'm not really going anywhere. We have a weird sense of humour between us, and an odd honestly with each other. I do love him and I know he loves me, but it's a little weird at times.

Tonight I texted my AP and we agreed to "just not go there" with a physical affair. I told him I was more comfortable being friends and it was easier than the complications of a dysfunctional affair relationship. He agreed. Seems a little too easy, I admit. I suspect this will be readdressed if we're ever in the same physical space again alone, but for now it seems safe.

May 5, 2011

Just another spoiled chick who has everything and is too selfish to realize it. Your problem is your husband has spoiled you and you flat out aren't worth it. You have everything and you want more. Some old guys is getting his high off flirting with you and you are eating it up. The old guy just sees you as a** on the side.

When you and your H divorce and you are forced to actually work and support yourself you will seriously regret everything you are doing now

Wow, there is so much anger in your post, I don't know how to address it. I suppose to some extent I do have everything I've ever wanted and that would make me an ungrateful b*tch.

I'm not sure what you mean with "everything you are doing now" because I see myself trying to seriously examine my feelings and thoughts and reconcile it with my marriage and life goals. Perhaps you imagine that I'm sucking his d*ck in the backseat, but that's simply not the case. This is only an affair in my head, and I am trying to deal with that before it is more.

I appreciate all who have been supportive, and I apologize if my response to this poster has been offensive. My feathers have been ruffled, lol.

May 5, 2011

I suppose to some extent I do have everything I've ever wanted and that would make me an ungrateful b*tch.

Hey, you said it.

Anyway, what I think what you really need to do is step back and go for a bit of introspection.

Where do you see yourself in a year or two?

Where do you see your husband in a year or two?

Where do you see the EA going in a year or two?

Like everyone said, you know the EA is not healthy or sustainable. You'll have to stop this eventually right? Better sooner than later. Did you come to LS so that we could give you a kick in the bum?

In terms of your marriage. Maybe it still has a small chance to survive, maybe not. Can't tell the future.

He's a good man trapped in a flawed marriage with me, and I'm less than a prize.

C'mon, you don't think you are good enough for him? Is that all you can come up with? How about some self improvement before you give up? Might as well give the marriage one last shot before getting a divorce right?

If you do end the marriage just make sure that you do because it is genuinely finished. Not because you're bored or because of your unrealistic "fantasy man" on the side.

May 5, 2011

Every conversation with my H about divorce ends with him insisting that I stay. He makes it hard to leave, and there are kids involved.

Let's not forget the fact that you don't work and bring home a paycheck.

Why don't you become financially independent rather than relying on someone else to support you while you disrespect him each and every day?

Unless your kids are toddlers (which I doubt) there's no reason to be staying home every day.

May 5, 2011

ETA: I posted the above before I saw you had a couple of part time jobs that don't pay much and don't provide health insurance. It's time to get a real job if you ever expect to get divorced and live on your own.

He's admitted to prior affairs (one that ended his marriage), but says this is more emotional and less physical, that he sees us doing things as friends more than hitting the sack.

And you're seriously going to hitch your wagon to THIS star??? Someone who caused his own divorce with his own selfish and stupid behavior and is STILL doing the same crap years later?

Except now he can't jump in the sack with women because he's basically impotent, so he's pushing the old "this is more emotional than physical" gargbage? ROFL!!

Seriously, if you're going to leave a 21 year marriage, make it with someone whose WORTH it. This guy is a joke.

May 5, 2011

Eat cake! I guess you know what tht means here.

It isn't good for your health in any way. Most of all it will make you unhappy.

YOu have a marriage and a family. So precious.

Gentle girl

May 5, 2011

ETA: I posted the above before I saw you had a couple of part time jobs that don't pay much and don't provide health insurance. It's time to get a real job if you ever expect to get divorced and live on your own.

And you're seriously going to hitch your wagon to THIS star??? Someone who caused his own divorce with his own selfish and stupid behavior and is STILL doing the same crap years later?

Except now he can't jump in the sack with women because he's basically impotent, so he's pushing the old "this is more emotional than physical" gargbage? ROFL!!

Seriously, if you're going to leave a 21 year marriage, make it with someone whose WORTH it. This guy is a joke.

SO True, all of it. Yesterday my husband and I were talking about him, and I caught myself saying, "You know, he's charming and all the old ladies enjoy talking with him, but he's full of sh*t." I think that made my H feel better, and it was so true that even I needed to hear it.

Last night AP and I agreed to friend zone this thing and stop with the fantasyland. I don't think it's helpful for either of us. Real friends and reality is much better therapy.

As for the future, I imagine myself married as always. I think this was just a bump in the road. As odd as my H's reaction has been, being able to talk about it and laugh a little has been nice. It's made us both more aware of the emotional things we need from each other that I was getting/giving in the EA. One of my girlfriends had suggested this could be the outcome. It seemed impossible when she said it, but now it makes sense. My H really is a keeper, and we have a "date" tomorrow!

May 5, 2011

No anger its just the truth. You are one of those people who are so selfish that you are just gonna cheat on whoever you are with. You aren't worthy of someone else's love or time.

Even in another thread you stated how you cheated on one of your ex-bf's with someone they looked up to and respected. Than you had the self-centered statement about how you lied to him to protect his feelings. Only a person of low moral fiber could do something like that.

There is a reason why even your mother is siding with your H.

You are a con artist, you trick people into wanting or respecting you when in reality you aren't worth it. You sell a damaged product

A divorce would be great for you. Once you have to stand on your own two feet and fend for yourself you will see what life is really like.

Okay, you don't like me. I get it. I've not pretended to have a high moral fiber or integrity. This has all been about me, me, me, and I am self-centered, childish, and immoral. I cheated horribly on my only other long term relationship, and I fear I am capable of doing it again. I am flawed, damaged, broken even. I could easily be a cake eater. My thought process is delusional. That's why I am here.

I have friends who are so full of integrity that I can't even discuss this with them. That's why I was vulnerable to having an EA -- his flaws were a reflection of my flaws, and we bonded over our weak points. That's not a basis for a R. I see that now, but I had to get out of my delusional thoughts with the people here in order to see that. Thank you, everyone!!! I fear this isn't over, as I am still the same damaged person, only a little more aware now.

ETA: I'm not worthy of someone's love or time? I can't believe anyone would say that to an animal, much less another human. That says more about you than me, imho.

Edited May 5, 2011 by fascinated

May 5, 2011

No anger its just the truth. You are one of those people who are so selfish that you are just gonna cheat on whoever you are with. You aren't worthy of someone else's love or time.

Even in another thread you stated how you cheated on one of your ex-bf's with someone they looked up to and respected. Than you had the self-centered statement about how you lied to him to protect his feelings. Only a person of low moral fiber could do something like that.

There is a reason why even your mother is siding with your H.

You are a con artist, you trick people into wanting or respecting you when in reality you aren't worth it. You sell a damaged product

A divorce would be great for you. Once you have to stand on your own two feet and fend for yourself you will see what life is really like.

Look I realize that you have a right to say what want here but your post takes it too far. You are saying a lot of harsh cruel things to someone and it is in no way helpful. The OP has been respectful and open to others posts but to talk as you have to this woman is not conductive to her opening her mind to hear anything you have to say. I hope others report your post as talking this disrespectful to anyone here should not be tolerated.

May 5, 2011

SO True, all of it. Yesterday my husband and I were talking about him, and I caught myself saying, "You know, he's charming and all the old ladies enjoy talking with him, but he's full of sh*t." I think that made my H feel better, and it was so true that even I needed to hear it.

Last night AP and I agreed to friend zone this thing and stop with the fantasyland. I don't think it's helpful for either of us. Real friends and reality is much better therapy.

As for the future, I imagine myself married as always. I think this was just a bump in the road. As odd as my H's reaction has been, being able to talk about it and laugh a little has been nice. It's made us both more aware of the emotional things we need from each other that I was getting/giving in the EA. One of my girlfriends had suggested this could be the outcome. It seemed impossible when she said it, but now it makes sense. My H really is a keeper, and we have a "date" tomorrow!

I'm glad that you are starting to figure things out and see more clearly but the friendzoid thing is not workable with someone who you are having a EA with. It's fraught with danger and will slip back to the EA thing quicker than it takes a child to slide down a slide. IMO one of the biggest mistakes that OW can make is to delude ourselves.

May 5, 2011

Thanks, BB07. I briefly considered reporting his post as a personal attack, but tried not to get that upset over it. I've been on forums before, and there's always someone out there who hides behind an anonymous username to spit venom. As I said, I think it speaks louder of the poster than of me.

May 5, 2011

I'm glad that you are starting to figure things out and see more clearly but the friendzoid thing is not workable with someone who you are having a EA with. It's fraught with danger and will slip back to the EA thing quicker than it takes a child to slide down a slide. IMO one of the biggest mistakes that OW can make is to delude ourselves.

Noted. Reminds me to look for a copy of "Not Just Friends" He's commented on how I have in the past tried to keep several people between us in social settings. It just seems prudent once you realize there is danger.

May 6, 2011

Everything I said is true but cheaters like the OP and yourself need to be treated like babies and have everything spoon-fed. The truth is you guys want to believe that there is some underlining cause that forces you to act in such a selfish way but in reality its just a character flaw.

You two are the type that spend years in therapy hoping to "find out" why you act the way you do when the simple truth is........you are just selfish people.

By reading the OP's post you can tell that she has had everything too easy and now she takes it for granted. Her world is gonna come crashing down on her and she will realize exactly what she is throwing away.

The OM is just getting his kicks from her, he is not gonna leave his wife but she will end up alone.

None of this is harsh, its the truth.

Fortunately both of you will pay thousands of dollars to fake doctors aka therapist to tell you that its not your fault.

People like you two are the product of every kid gets a trophy mentality.

I am not now nor have I ever been an OW. I am proud to say that not only has my money been well spent, it helped me face a lot of issues that I will not carry into a new relationship and it has made me a better mother, friend, daughter and sister.

My therapist not only didn't tell me that my decisions weren't my fault, she made face the fact that some were patterns that I would repeat and always end up with the same result...unhappiness, fear, and depression. I realize everyone has not had the same outcome with therapy and our opinions are based on that. But therapy is one of the reasons I am alive today and my children have their mother.

May 6, 2011

I think he deserves happiness. He's a good man trapped in a flawed marriage with me, and I'm less than a prize. I guess the right thing to do would be to work on being more of a prize, not less.

You should do what makes you legitimately happy. You should NOT sacrifice your happiness for others. It does not sound like your H is the love of your live. Nor does it sound like you have real romantic love for him. After reading everything, I think you should divorce.

The "right" thing to do is to pursue your happiness WHILE BEING HONEST. That means, if you seriously have feelings for another, and not for your H anymore, separate and leave your H, THEN go pursue the other person.

May 6, 2011

Every conversation with my H about divorce ends with him insisting that I stay. He makes it hard to leave, and there are kids involved.

That's a trick men (mostly) use to keep their un-happy wives married with them. If he wants to be a father to his kids, he'll be one no matter if you're his wife or not.

Again, if you're not happy with your H, LEAVE!!!! Do it for you!!!!

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