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Introduction, delurking, I'm a MW having EA, appreciate your wisdom

fascinated

By fascinated
in The Other Man / Woman

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fascinated Established Member

fascinated

Posted
Posted

I've been reading and lurking for quite a while, but I decided to register and post today. I've really learned a lot from the wisdom and honesty of the established members here, and want to let you know how much I appreciate it. A little background -- I've been married 21 years, 2 kids, a stay-at-home mom. Just this last year met a male friend who has pushed all my emotional buttons. At first I was in denial that it was an emotional affair, but after reading here all the signs and symptoms confirm.

 

Currently it's a long distance relationship. He's said he plans to move here to be closer to family. He's also in a long term relationship that he keeps saying he's going to break off. At first, it made sense, and I saw him as available, but as the months went by and he's at home with her, I realized to my embarrassment that I'm the other woman, and I hate it.

 

Regardless, I'm married, which makes the whole thing wrong if it were to progress as I think it will if he's ever back here. Yet, I enjoy his friendship and daily texts so much that the thought of no contact is unbearable. I've not lied to my husband -- he knows all about it except for the part in my head where I would rather be with my friend than him. My friend, however, has not mentioned me to his GF and has asked that I text around her work schedule, just one of the red flags that this isn't a perfect soulmate situation, lol.

 

I don't know what I expect to gain from here, but I do appreciate the frank and honest discussion. I feel like I know some of you already from your frequent posts, so I felt it was unfair to continue to watch and read without letting you know me as well. Hi!:cool:

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted
I've been reading and lurking for quite a while, but I decided to register and post today. I've really learned a lot from the wisdom and honesty of the established members here, and want to let you know how much I appreciate it. A little background -- I've been married 21 years, 2 kids, a stay-at-home mom. Just this last year met a male friend who has pushed all my emotional buttons. At first I was in denial that it was an emotional affair, but after reading here all the signs and symptoms confirm.

Glad that you've been reading here and understanding what your situation is with the OM.

 

Currently it's a long distance relationship. He's said he plans to move here to be closer to family. He's also in a long term relationship that he keeps saying he's going to break off. At first, it made sense, and I saw him as available, but as the months went by and he's at home with her, I realized to my embarrassment that I'm the other woman, and I hate it.

 

It's odd how you view yourself as the OW, yet you are the one married. First thought..Why didn't say to yourself, "I'm married!" Also, you live at home with your H, go to bed next to him every night. Live a life with him and your children.. He is the OM and you are the MW, or as some call it, MOW.

 

Glad to hear you hate being the OW and how it made you feel. It's good to feel that because it'll point you on a better path.

 

Regardless, I'm married, which makes the whole thing wrong if it were to progress as I think it will if he's ever back here. Yet, I enjoy his friendship and daily texts so much that the thought of no contact is unbearable. I've not lied to my husband -- he knows all about it except for the part in my head where I would rather be with my friend than him. My friend, however, has not mentioned me to his GF and has asked that I text around her work schedule, just one of the red flags that this isn't a perfect soulmate situation, lol.

 

You have lied to your husband..Even though he knows of the friendship, he doesn't know how this guy has made you feel. that's a pretty big lie and manipulation to let your H know of the friendship but not the intention of it all.

 

It isn't a perfect soulmate situation even IF his gf was Ok with you and knew about you.. I hope you see that? He hasn't mentioned you because he doesn't want her to know that he's got you on the side.. He's hidden you.

 

I don't know what I expect to gain from here, but I do appreciate the frank and honest discussion. I feel like I know some of you already from your frequent posts, so I felt it was unfair to continue to watch and read without letting you know me as well. Hi!:cool:

 

Okay.. What is it that you want? Your H's blessing to be this guys friend and allow your feelings to grow, become more attached? To let a physical affair start? Or are you looking for an affair on the side and to stay married, without your H's knowledge? Sooner or later your H will realize you're not yourself, and put two and two together.

 

What is your expectation? IF this guy dumps his girlfriend, you'll divorce your H so you two can become a couple and raise your kids with the OM? Or are you looking to end this and reconnect with your H, salvage what you have left of your marriage?

 

Welcome to LS.

East7 Established Member

East7

Posted
Posted

Welcome to LS fascinated,

 

As fOM, all I can tell you is that what you have right now is nothing more than a sweet fantasy. One one side you have a REAL life with your H and on the other side a "secret garden" where you are building a parallel fantasyland with OM.

 

That will go nowhere, unless you don't want to be with your H anymore and OM doesn't want to be with his GF anymore. HUGE barriers !

 

Stop it NOW before it ends up in pain and you can't even imagine what kind of pain it is. Affairs are easy to start, hard to end !

 

Maybe you love your H but you are not in love with him anymore. Try to fix your M instead of escaping in fantasyland or it will end with lots of damage.

BB07 Established Member

BB07

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Welcome to LS.

 

 

I'll pretend to be a little OWL here, because it's smart the way he asks questions of the poster. lol:)

 

What can the posters here at LS help you with? Do you want to go NC or do you want the affair to turn to a PA? Do you want your marriage?

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fascinated Established Member

fascinated

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My husband asked if I was having an affair, and I said, "Yes, an emotional affair." I know he wishes I had the same kind of emotional energy for him as I do my friend. I think I'm being as honest there as I can be. There's no danger of it going physical when there's half a continent between us.

 

What do I want? I want my friend to move here and be my best friend, hang out and enjoy activities with me. Once the kids are old enough and on their own, I would like to be with him and live together, but I think this is just a fantasy. I'm mid 40's and he's mid 50's with ED. The physical part may not even be an issue, especially given another 6 years for the kids to be gone and the rate at which he's packing to move (he's not). I also suspect that a day to day situation might make us sick of each other.

 

My girlfriends know he's a friend and that there's this danger of being more than friends, but they don't really want to hear it. I figure that's what this forum is all about, so here I am.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted

You're willing to throw away 21 years of marriage because you won't or can't try to reconnect with your H?

 

Since you want this guy for an EA, to be your bestfriend, ED or not, it's still going to be an affair -- Why not tell your husband he's free to have someone on the side as well? Make it an open marriage. Or would it bother you, upset you, make you feel jealous/hurt if your H had a close friendship with another woman, someone who he bonded with on an emotional level, was HIS bestfriend, someone he could do fun things with and grow together.

 

I thought you said your H didn't know the extent of your friendship? or do you mean your plan to get D later in life and then go be with your OM?

 

Also, how did your H react?

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fascinated Established Member

fascinated

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And yes, I know my mind is in fantasyland, but I almost feel like I need that to get thru reality right now. Maybe I'm just a cake eater. :rolleyes:

anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

Posted
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What exactly is it you want from LS?

 

You seem to have concerns that the OM may not be all in yet you also seem perfectly happy with the set-up. You also seem to expect your H to just put up with your behaviour and stay with you until you and the OM can be together when the kids are older. Do you not get how selfish this all sounds and also how unreal?

 

Do you want advice? Do you want to listen to what others have to say? Will you actually respond to questions asked or will you just post away whatever you want regardless?

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted
And yes, I know my mind is in fantasyland, but I almost feel like I need that to get thru reality right now. Maybe I'm just a cake eater. :rolleyes:

 

What do you mean? You feel like you need that to get through to reality?

 

Tell your H your plan, that will make reality hit you quicker. He deserves to know that you have a future plan in the works. I also hope you're able to answer my questions in my other reply to you. :)

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fascinated Established Member

fascinated

Posted
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You're willing to throw away 21 years of marriage because you won't or can't try to reconnect with your H?

 

Since you want this guy for an EA, to be your bestfriend, ED or not, it's still going to be an affair -- Why not tell your husband he's free to have someone on the side as well? Make it an open marriage. Or would it bother you, upset you, make you feel jealous/hurt if your H had a close friendship with another woman, someone who he bonded with on an emotional level, was HIS bestfriend, someone he could do fun things with and grow together.

 

I thought you said your H didn't know the extent of your friendship? or do you mean your plan to get D later in life and then go be with your OM?

 

Also, how did your H react?

 

 

I would LOVE my H to find someone else, that would make it easier to separate/divorce! We've been thru MC many years, currently doing FC with the kids. I think our relationship is as good as it's going to get. I don't know how I would take care of the kids if I didn't live in the house and he's not willing to leave, so we're kind of stuck.

 

H did a little pouty face when I admitted it was an emotional affair, but I didn't detail my future fantasy since that's not real. He does act a little jealous at the texts and the energy I spend. H says he loves me, doesn't want me to leave, every divorce discussion ends with him insisting I stay, etc. I suspect things might get heated if my friend really did move here and there was a physical intimacy threat. One of my girlfriends used the term "sh*tstorm" -- probably most accurate. Perhaps I'm trying to brace for that possibility.

anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

Posted
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So you would rather your husband left rather than you accpeting responsibility for your actions? you would rather he was seen as the "bad guy" and not you? You want the easy option so you are seen as the victim? Just how much cake do you want to eat????

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fascinated Established Member

fascinated

Posted
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What do you mean? You feel like you need that to get through to reality?

 

Tell your H your plan, that will make reality hit you quicker. He deserves to know that you have a future plan in the works. I also hope you're able to answer my questions in my other reply to you. :)

 

 

Yes, my reality seems depressing. I can't imagine NC because my friend's texts are sometimes the only happiness I feel during the day.

 

I've imagined telling my husband that I'd like to be with my friend, and I imagine H telling me I'm an idiot for waiting and putting my hopes on someone who hasn't even told his gf he's moving. I think he would just make fun of me, perhaps rightfully so. I feel like an idiot when I say it.

 

If I've skipped answering a vital question, I apologize. I am not intentionally avoiding it, just a little overwhelmed with the new forum and my own thoughts that have been pent up for some time. Please ask me again.

BB07 Established Member

BB07

Posted
Posted

Just from the little bit that the OP has posted, this is my take on it. The op is finding it very easy to compartmentalize and she seems detached and doesn't feel as if she is risking anything major yet because her om lives far away. I think at this point in time, she feels no urgency to get out of it, right now the curiosity is primary as she feels she can still back out easily now with nothing lost, nothing gained. OP........I think you'll take it farther and deeper because you are already sorta deluding yourself to not realize how your world could be blown up someday. I think you are passive and you'll be an excellent cake eater when you get in deeper.

 

 

My 2 cents.........

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
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So you've never met this guy, it's only online?

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fascinated Established Member

fascinated

Posted
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So you would rather your husband left rather than you accpeting responsibility for your actions? you would rather he was seen as the "bad guy" and not you? You want the easy option so you are seen as the victim? Just how much cake do you want to eat????

 

 

A big piece, evidently! :o No, I honestly would like him to be happy and I don't think I'm capable of being what he wants/needs. I wish he'd look for someone else to make him more agreeable to ending it. I don't think there's any way I'd end up looking like the victim -- most people would side with him in a divorce, my mother has already said she picks him. :eek:

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fascinated Established Member

fascinated

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So you've never met this guy, it's only online?

 

He's the father of a friend of a friend, and we met in person. He's spent a few months here at a time with the birth of his grandkids. Mostly just friendship, but there have been hugs and kisses (he kisses all his friends), only right before he left the last time it was a more passionate type of kiss.:love:

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fascinated Established Member

fascinated

Posted
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Posted
Just from the little bit that the OP has posted, this is my take on it. The op is finding it very easy to compartmentalize and she seems detached and doesn't feel as if she is risking anything major yet because her om lives far away. I think at this point in time, she feels no urgency to get out of it, right now the curiosity is primary as she feels she can still back out easily now with nothing lost, nothing gained. OP........I think you'll take it farther and deeper because you are already sorta deluding yourself to not realize how your world could be blown up someday. I think you are passive and you'll be an excellent cake eater when you get in deeper.

 

 

My 2 cents.........

 

 

I think this is a fair assessment. I don't doubt I'm delusional, and I doubt this is going to end smoothly unless I just nip in in the bud right now, but I suspect I would still be unhappy and fantasize about a better life/relationship.

BB07 Established Member

BB07

Posted
Posted
I think this is a fair assessment. I don't doubt I'm delusional, and I doubt this is going to end smoothly unless I just nip in in the bud right now, but I suspect I would still be unhappy and fantasize about a better life/relationship.

 

 

Then.......don't look to someone else to make you happy or complete you. (I'm working on this myself, so I'm not throwing rocks at you, ok) Work on you. I'm liking my time alone, and hey it's getting my head in a better place. If you want a divorce, get a divorce but don't do it because of someone else muddling it up, do it for you or work on your marriage, but hon you can't do both. It's either an EA that will make your life hell eventually or your marriage. It's up to you.

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fascinated Established Member

fascinated

Posted
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Posted (edited)

Exactly the kind of advice I've given to friends and family on the bridge of divorce or affairs! I've considered leaving many times, being alone, working on myself. The longest I've left is a week, and I still come back to my family. My head says that the dynamic will be different when the kids are gone, maybe good or maybe bad. The EA is a nice diversion from reality right now, and makes me believe that I'm not so miserable to be around as my husband makes me feel that I am.

 

ETA: But you're right, I can't work on my marriage while having an affair, even emotional. It just doesn't work. I realize that.

Edited by fascinated
jwi71 Established Member

jwi71

Posted
Posted

Well, why haven't you filed for D?

fooled once Established Member

fooled once

Posted
Posted
I've been reading and lurking for quite a while, but I decided to register and post today. I've really learned a lot from the wisdom and honesty of the established members here, and want to let you know how much I appreciate it. A little background -- I've been married 21 years, 2 kids, a stay-at-home mom. Just this last year met a male friend who has pushed all my emotional buttons. At first I was in denial that it was an emotional affair, but after reading here all the signs and symptoms confirm.

 

Currently it's a long distance relationship. He's said he plans to move here to be closer to family. He's also in a long term relationship that he keeps saying he's going to break off. At first, it made sense, and I saw him as available, but as the months went by and he's at home with her, I realized to my embarrassment that I'm the other woman, and I hate it.

 

Regardless, I'm married, which makes the whole thing wrong if it were to progress as I think it will if he's ever back here. Yet, I enjoy his friendship and daily texts so much that the thought of no contact is unbearable. I've not lied to my husband -- he knows all about it except for the part in my head where I would rather be with my friend than him. My friend, however, has not mentioned me to his GF and has asked that I text around her work schedule, just one of the red flags that this isn't a perfect soulmate situation, lol.

 

I don't know what I expect to gain from here, but I do appreciate the frank and honest discussion. I feel like I know some of you already from your frequent posts, so I felt it was unfair to continue to watch and read without letting you know me as well. Hi!:cool:

 

What exactly is it you want from LS?

 

You seem to have concerns that the OM may not be all in yet you also seem perfectly happy with the set-up. You also seem to expect your H to just put up with your behaviour and stay with you until you and the OM can be together when the kids are older. Do you not get how selfish this all sounds and also how unreal?

 

Do you want advice? Do you want to listen to what others have to say? Will you actually respond to questions asked or will you just post away whatever you want regardless?

 

I would LOVE my H to find someone else, that would make it easier to separate/divorce! We've been thru MC many years, currently doing FC with the kids. I think our relationship is as good as it's going to get. I don't know how I would take care of the kids if I didn't live in the house and he's not willing to leave, so we're kind of stuck.

 

H did a little pouty face when I admitted it was an emotional affair, but I didn't detail my future fantasy since that's not real. He does act a little jealous at the texts and the energy I spend. H says he loves me, doesn't want me to leave, every divorce discussion ends with him insisting I stay, etc. I suspect things might get heated if my friend really did move here and there was a physical intimacy threat. One of my girlfriends used the term "sh*tstorm" -- probably most accurate. Perhaps I'm trying to brace for that possibility.

 

So do you stay for the security? Do you stay so you don't have to work? I mean, your kids are old enough for you to be at work, helping supporting the family financially or working to support yourself for when you leave.

 

it sounds like you are bored. You are bored and the OM is someone to occupy your time.

 

Maybe try volunteering at a woman's shelter? Or working with kids in a hospital? Or assisting at an old folks home? Do something CONSTRUCTIVE and REWARDING with your time instead of being all dreamy with a man who is far away and who is involved with someone else.

 

Neither one of you are free; yet you two are fantasizing as if you are. You state he is your BFF and all that; yet you still stay home with a husband when there is no reason for you to stay. You seem to imply it is your H's fault you are cheating; but what are you doing to restore your marriage? You almost seem proud of the fact that you told your H you are having an emotional affair. :( AND then you sit and text this guy in front of your H; basically rubbing his nose in it. That is incredibly cruel to do to someone you loved at one time. I get being in an unhappy marriage and divorcing - been there, done that. But I never cheated and I never strayed. I chose divorce.

 

You state you can't do NC or can't image not texting with this guy anymore. Come on, that's a little dramatic isn't it? You survived BEFORE him, you will survive with out him.

 

Instead of waiting until the kids graduate, leave now. You have made it clear you have no love for your H, heck, you don't even respect him because of how you text the OM in front of him :( I just can't get over that.

 

I am sure your kids are aware too - kids are NOT stupid. They hear all kinds of things. If THEY ask you if you are having an affair, will you tell them the truth? How will you explain your behavior/actions?

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fascinated Established Member

fascinated

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Well, why haven't you filed for D?

 

Every conversation with my H about divorce ends with him insisting that I stay. He makes it hard to leave, and there are kids involved.

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fascinated Established Member

fascinated

Posted
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Posted
So do you stay for the security? Do you stay so you don't have to work? I mean, your kids are old enough for you to be at work, helping supporting the family financially or working to support yourself for when you leave.

 

it sounds like you are bored. You are bored and the OM is someone to occupy your time.

 

Maybe try volunteering at a woman's shelter? Or working with kids in a hospital? Or assisting at an old folks home? Do something CONSTRUCTIVE and REWARDING with your time instead of being all dreamy with a man who is far away and who is involved with someone else.

 

Neither one of you are free; yet you two are fantasizing as if you are. You state he is your BFF and all that; yet you still stay home with a husband when there is no reason for you to stay. You seem to imply it is your H's fault you are cheating; but what are you doing to restore your marriage? You almost seem proud of the fact that you told your H you are having an emotional affair. :( AND then you sit and text this guy in front of your H; basically rubbing his nose in it. That is incredibly cruel to do to someone you loved at one time. I get being in an unhappy marriage and divorcing - been there, done that. But I never cheated and I never strayed. I chose divorce.

 

You state you can't do NC or can't image not texting with this guy anymore. Come on, that's a little dramatic isn't it? You survived BEFORE him, you will survive with out him.

 

Instead of waiting until the kids graduate, leave now. You have made it clear you have no love for your H, heck, you don't even respect him because of how you text the OM in front of him :( I just can't get over that.

 

I am sure your kids are aware too - kids are NOT stupid. They hear all kinds of things. If THEY ask you if you are having an affair, will you tell them the truth? How will you explain your behavior/actions?

 

Yes, part of why I stay is security. I do work two part-time jobs from home, neither one making a lot of money nor providing health care or other benefits. Both are very flexible, allowing me to run errands and pick up kids whenever necessary.

 

If I implied that it's my H's fault that I'm emotionally cheating, I apologize. I believe it is some flaw in my personality that made me fall for my AP's charm. I even wonder if he has the narcissistic personality that is often discussed, and maybe he could tell I was vulnerable.

 

My daughter is often there when I meet with my friend. When my H expressed jealousy recently, she said, "It's not like that. They're just best friends." So far, so true. My son isn't warming up to him, tho. I think he's old enough to see the danger. And yes, I'd be honest. I'm not good at lying, even if it would spare some feelings like with my H.

 

I think some people are wired to cheat and others not. I suspect I'm the former.

jwi71 Established Member

jwi71

Posted
Posted
Every conversation with my H about divorce ends with him insisting that I stay. He makes it hard to leave, and there are kids involved.

 

One, your H CAN'T make you stay. Simply file and find a place to live. It REALLY is that easy.

 

Two, Court will decide and enforce custody, visitation and any support if you two cannot. And, in Texas anyways, they DON'T play around when one parent tries to "play" with any of the above three.

 

Basically, he CAN'T keep you M to him. Nor can he "take" your kids.

 

Go meet a lawyer even if its for the free consult - learn the LAW from a practicing professional. They have a GREAT sense of how your legal situation will play out - and they've all seen it a 1000 times before anyway.

 

I did it with two kids under FIVE and my now xWW made the D and the subsequent two years I guess hell. But that's over now and IM happy. Kids, after a year of therapy, have adjusted. All is good.

 

Don't stay where you aren't happy. Go be happy. And if that means D and move on with the OM, ACT towards that goal. And maybe its staying with your M, the ACT to make it happier. And if you can't believe, after time and effort, it will get better - then get out.

 

Know what you want and go get it.

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fascinated Established Member

fascinated

Posted
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Posted

Glad that divorce worked so well for you. I have a legal background and plenty of attorney friends, so I am well aware of where I stand. I do believe that if we can stick it out a few more years, many of the child related issues will resolve themselves. That is the best I can hope for right now.

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