turokturok5 Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 (edited) Well i was in a relationship with this girl for 2 months and she dumped me, 3 months ago. I got pretty attached in 2 months and fell pretty hard, i figured we had SOOO much in common, because we were both told we were really nice people so i thought we were perfect eachother. Anyway i was shattered when she dumped me (this is the terrible phase) and pretty much spent 2 months sitting on my couch in my free time in front of the tv with my laptop on looking at dating websites such as this, analysing everything my ex was doing and searching for answers, i got the answers within the first week multiple times saying NC NC NC, get over it etc etc, exept 1 person would always post something hopeful that suggested i would get her back and i would follow their lousy advice and get myself hurt again. During these 2 months i also got drunk a few times and got angry etc etc and was blowing things well out of proportion. I really thought about my relationship with her. I beat myself up over things that i did, such as over-reacting to "little" things that occured, but i guess that at the time they must of really been an issue for myself if i were to bring them up with her. I thought back to my previously relationship and i was never like this, i never worried about losing her, i never excessively apologised when something went wrong, so i figured we musn't be good for eachother if she made me feel this way - she always seemed distant towards me, never wanted to do things alone, when we would make-out she would pull away after a few seconds and i just didn't have much fun with her to be honest. I loved her, but she clearly didn't love me on the outside, by that i mean through her actions and words, i don't know if she ever loved me or not nor will i ever know. I started sport again, started going to the gym, quit drinking and started feeling better about myself, when she would come into my mind i would play my music and sing away untill she was gone. Overall i think i've become a more social, confident and happy person and im working on the things i need to change about myself. Which brings me to my point. I feel a lot better about myself, exept i find myself analysing things that happened in our relationship and things i could have changed. I keep playing scenarios in my head about how she is going to realise what she has lost and come back to me, exept i always tell myself i would say no, because she broke my heart. I keep telling myself she won't come back, i mean, i was her first every boyfriend and we're only 18, we didn't have sexual relationships and if i found our relationship a bit "dull" then she must have found it that way too and therefore she won't come back, but i can't exactly wrap my head around this. Is this normal, to go to a happy place and then slowly start to go downhill. I'm the type of person who just likes someone who i can hold/talk to and be myself around so yeah i really miss the companionship so im pinning it on loneliness. Could it also be the fact that our mutual friends are moving more towards her side, again i may be making assumptions but i found out today that our group went to the movies the other day, i was the only one not invited but i was told that it was my best friends job to invite me...he said nothing to me, nor has he said anything about it i'm guessing it's because he likes my ex and wants to get together with her(this is actually a fact and i was encouraging him at a party the other day). It's just annoying because i use to be the one who was told by the girls to invite all the guys and i did, now it's become his responsibility yet he doesn't invite anyone else and goes along by himself. Edited May 3, 2011 by turokturok5
WTRanger Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Yep, what you are going through is completely normal. Just don't fight whatever emotion you are feeling.
Graceful Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Hi turok5, Now listen to me, will you please? You have had very little experience in love and romance, let alone a breakup where you were shaken and hurt, and to add to that, you're a guy (you know, men are supposed to be strong and hide their feelings more than girls do), and you're 18 years old, so you really have to cut yourself a little slack. You really don't know what hit you, do you? Well, some of us are a lot older than you are, and we don't know what hit us either when our hearts are broken. During these 2 months i also got drunk a few times and got angry etc etc and was blowing things well out of proportion. I really thought about my relationship with her. I beat myself up over things that i did, such as over-reacting to "little" things that occured, but i guess that at the time they must of really been an issue for myself if i were to bring them up with her. I thought back to my previously relationship and i was never like this, i never worried about losing her, i never excessively apologised when something went wrong, so i figured we musn't be good for eachother if she made me feel this way - she always seemed distant towards me, never wanted to do things alone, when we would make-out she would pull away after a few seconds and i just didn't have much fun with her to be honest. I loved her, but she clearly didn't love me on the outside, by that i mean through her actions and words, i don't know if she ever loved me or not nor will i ever know.Bottom line and painful truth is that it's all about rejection at the beginning of a breakup. Most of us on the LS board were made to feel "rejected" and no matter what the reason, we're the ones who were told that we were no longer wanted or needed or loved, or whatever. But you know what? It sounds like this girl just wasn't right for you anyhow, she's young, indecisive, a little flighty, maybe moody, critical, who knows what else? She's entitled to all that because she's only 18 years old and so are you. It's a tough age to get hung up on a girl, you know, because lots of girls are very mature, then others are very immature, and it's a bit of a crap shoot when you date because you don't know what you're going to get. Meanwhile, on your own, you can see that you are picking up the pieces and doing better (quit drinking, working out, being more social, etc.) -- so give yourself some credit. Which brings me to my point. I feel a lot better about myself, except i find myself analysing things that happened in our relationship and things i could have changed. I keep playing scenarios in my head about how she is going to realise what she has lost and come back to me, exept i always tell myself i would say no, because she broke my heart. At some point, and I hope it's soon, you will let go of all this. What's done is done. Unless you can pinpoint anything that you did over time, you two just weren't compatible. It just wasn't a good match. Try not to find something wrong or bad in what you did. And yes she hurt you, and it's unlikely she has any idea how badly she hurt you. And you are better off picking up the pieces and moving on than playing games in your head as to if she comes back or not. This is something we all do because of the rejection. It would be nice for an ego boost from the ex by coming back ... right? But why do you need that ego boost from her? You don't. She didn't treat you very nicely and she's bound to do it again and again, not just to you, but to other guys, until she matures. See what I mean? It's normal to go from happy to sad to confused, yes it is. Especially when you have had the same set of friends, it's hard to really go NC. One thing I have learned is that no two days are alike. One day the sun may be shining, you wake up feeling bright and happy. One day it's cloudy and rainy, and you are in a bad mood. One day you eat and sleep well, one day you haven't slept a wink the night before and you're tired and feel hopeless. So just let your life be. It's all going to work out on its own, all you can do is just relax a bit and allow yourself to work through your feelings. You're going to be okay. And insofar as your best friend is concerned, if you can do it nicely and calmly, just tell him, hey, please include me in things. Tell him that you really would like to be included in going to the movies, and tell him if he likes your ex, it's okay with you, you're not dating anymore and there's no reason to feel bad about it. (sorry if I have this wrong, but it looks like you are okay if they date). It's going to make you look really, really good if you say something nice to him, tell him you don't care if he dates your ex, and just want the friendship to be normal. If you can get that friendship back on track, that's going to be a big step in feeling much better. Keep your chin up no matter what you do, okay? Take care.
smudge21 Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 I'm a lot older then you mate and today I'm having such an off day - feel terrible, whereas yesterday I was fine. No specific reason, it just happens. I am glad to report that the good days do outweigh the bad lately, but they're still there.
Good Arms Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Same here, had an awful day today which led to me relapsing and snooping on FB again. Just seeing my ex at work a bit more than normal, and not doing my usual of looking away instantly (when she's at a distance, not passing face-to-face which has only happened twice) things just escalated until I was in a complete state. Yet some days, while I'm still low and depressed, I'm pretty calm, and at rare times I find myself enjoying distracting activities... while tonight feels like one when I won't even get to sleep the way I feel now, after torturing myself on FB while trying to make sense of things I see at work. So these feelings of downhill slumps are normal I think... we just have to work our way through them and accept the feelings as they come. PS. Hi Grace, I haven't read your kind bits of support for a while and a lot of that felt relevant to me too
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