surfrider4284 Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 (edited) After much waffling back and forth, today is the day I am going to end things with my gf of 5 years. It's killing me to even think about having to do this, and I hope I'm making the right decision, but right now, I feel like it needs to be done. The reason I think we should end this before we waste any more of our time: I find that I am often happier going out with friends and not her. I get the feeling that I love her, but I'm not IN love with her. There are plenty of times I'd be perfectly happy not calling to say goodnight (she wouldn't have it any other way on nights we aren't together). I feel rather ambivalent about our relationship; I feel as thought I'm just comfortable with the familiarity of her. We bicker/argue fairly regularly as we can both be pretty stubborn and hard-headed. I can't help but wonder what else is out there and what being with another girl would be like. That said, I love her and would do anything for her. I'd die for her. There are certainly many times I love going out with only her and being around her. I just want her to be happy, whether its with me or someone else (although, admittedly, the thought of her with someone else is putting my stomach in knots and making me feel like I have to puke). What do you guys think? Are these normal feelings, or are these feelings that are signalling it's time to move on? I think I've been ignoring/suppressing these feelings for a while now, but I can't tell. Any help you can offer would be amazing. Thanks. We're both 26. Edited May 3, 2011 by surfrider4284
washguy74 Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Wow, heavy. Is it possible that you guy are in love (noun), just not doing the loving (verb) very well? Are you still keeping things romantic and exciting for her? Is she still as loving and respectful as when you started? You can't fill her every need, just as she can't fill all of yours. So at times, it's only natural to prefer something other than each other's company. After five years now, you should know whether or not you want to give her the next five, and everything else after that. That's what I would focus on, not your feelings at this very moment, but do you want to be with her when you are 31, 36, etc.
Author surfrider4284 Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 Wow, heavy. Is it possible that you guy are in love (noun), just not doing the loving (verb) very well? Are you still keeping things romantic and exciting for her? Is she still as loving and respectful as when you started? You can't fill her every need, just as she can't fill all of yours. So at times, it's only natural to prefer something other than each other's company. After five years now, you should know whether or not you want to give her the next five, and everything else after that. That's what I would focus on, not your feelings at this very moment, but do you want to be with her when you are 31, 36, etc. My problem is, I don't know if I see myself with her 5-10 years down the road. I can't say, "yes I do" or "no I don't. My gut feeling is, I want to see what else is out there because I don't feel completely fulfilled by her. At the same time, I wonder if I am throwing away something great, and if I will ever find someone I have a deep connection with again. She can be short, petty, defensive, and argumentative with me. She can also be loving, thoughtful, and considerate. There are times I'm laying with her and I think "I love her so much, I'm so glad we have each other." Other days, we could be together and I'll be thinking "what the hell am I doing...I'm not going to marry this girl, I really want to see what else is out there." My feelings towards her can be so completely bi-polar (no, I am not bi-polar myself )
MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Wow...well i think this is how my ex feels toward me...he even said those exact words I love you but I'm not IN LOVE with you...and I know that those words pierced through my heart but it hurt worse cause I know he meant it. I think that with any relationship we get to the point where we no longer feel the warm fuzzies and etc and we get "tired" of the other person..we get bored, etc. And i think that's normal although I think that sucks. I'm not sure what to tell you besides the fact that I think that you do need a break from her. I didn't want my ex to take a break from me but he said he has to. I know he's out there now dating women, having random sex, whatever...and I don't see how that's going to make him regret not being with me... Similarly I don't know how you will end up feeling toward your gf once you leave her...you may regret it at first only out of shock or fear but after a while it becomes normal not to have that person by your seide anymore and you may very well realize your life is the same or even better without her... I don't even know what else to say or if this even makes sense...I was in a 5 yr relationship and we stayed out of comfort out of "we've put so much in this" and we were really NOT a match...we broke up and he went wild...partying, girls, etc and I cried...and begged...and after 3 months the tables turned...and I was done. But the good thing is we weren't meant to be to begin with and we held on to something out of anything but love. If you can't picture yourself marrying her then why waste any more of her or your time...you know? and you're 26...not exactly ready to commit and that's okay. I say take a break...call it a break up though dont let her believe things will get back to normal..and see where that takes you. This could also be the best day of your life... it will be hard at first....but in a few weeks you're going to realize that you made a HUGE mistake or like you just WON the lottery...and let time decide that for you.. if you made a huge mistake then just do what you can to get back with her...and if it's real between the two of you she will forgive you...but don't go back to her unless you're willing o like propose or take it to the next level... and if you realize you're better without her...leave it at that...
dragonfly22 Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 My fiance broke up with me almost 3 weeks ago saying the exact same thing "I love you but I'm not IN LOVE anymore". We had also been together for 5 years. Actually he did it twice. First time I begged and pleaded and he came back and told me he did love me so much and wanted to fight for this. Then we had the most amazing weekend together and three days later "I'm sorry, I just don't feel it. It's over." It has been devastating to say the least. I also know he is already dating someone else. When we broke up he told me he wanted to date other people and be single for a while (that didn't last long though). I'm 26, he is 27. Being on the other side of this story, I guess it is true when people tell me that at least he was honest and told me this before we were married. However I've been going to therapy and have learned a lot about relationships. The infatuation, "I'm crazy about her" feeling doesn't last forever and a long term relationship requires work. You need to keep the spark alive, otherwise you will feel like this in every relationship you have in your life. I think in my relationship we took each other for granted and eventually it wasn't exciting for him to be with me anymore. When someone new came along, well, this person had it. I remember when we broke up he told me "you are my best friend in the world, you know me like no one does, but that's just not enough, I want to marry someone I love, not just my best friend". Everyone also tells me "oh forget about it, i'm sure this was for the best, someone else will come along". Well, to be honest if he came back today I would take him back, but I would make sure we can address the issues that broke us up. I took note of everything he told me had been bothering him and I'm actively working on it. Not for when he comes back because I know he probably won't, but for myself, so I won't make the same mistakes again. Maybe you can make a list of things bothering you, talk to her about it and go to counseling?? I guess my point is: make sure you did everything you could before leaving a relationship or you might regret it later. IF you are not even interested then I guess you must leave but please PLEASE don't do as my ex and say "i know we will get back together in the future". It only makes the wound go deeper.
Author surfrider4284 Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 well...I did it. And yes, yesterday was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I don't know what to do, or how to go from here...
Kodo Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 I suggest the two of you take a break. Not a break up. Give yourselves some space. You say you have to call her every night she isn't there to say goodnight? You're in each other's personal space too much! You sound completely devoted to her and I'm sure she appreciates it. But give yourself some space. Put yourself away from her so you see how you feel when she's NOT there. Then decide. There'd be nothing worse than you call it off and she goes ice cold and vanishes never to return and you're left to realise that you do miss her...
Perplexed81 Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 I completely understand what your going through. The first year of me and my ex's relationship, although she was completely in love, I wasn't really sure that i was "IN LOVE", I mean I loved for her, cared for her but wasn't sure. Remember, every decision you make comes at a cost, make sure the cost doesn't out weigh the return. You can't have your cake and eat it to so if you feel there is something better out there then go for it, but be very aware from the get go that its not all as it seems, every decision has its upside and downside...i'm sure your aware of this. Breaking up a relationship of 5 years i'm sure isn't easy but once you do, be prepared not to go back becuase that in essence is what your doing. Once you pull the trigger going back is 10 times as hard if even possible. Good luck.
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