is there anyone there to talk to.

[pinkrainbows]

Hi,

I posted a while ago about my husbands affair which lasted a year and which i found out about July 2010. It only ended when i confronted him and he knew what he had to loose. We have also been married 40years this June,

Well i thought we were getting back on track but something has now happened that makes me wonder whether i want out of this marriage.

 

I can't explain other than my feelings for him have changed and i seem to have become down and depressed. I am taking Prozac anyway and it is helping to a degree.

I also don't know if i mentioned but i also have Fibromyalgia and ME/CFS and am very poorly right now.

 

I cannot no matter how i try get images out of my head what he and she did together and its now in my mind almost all the time so much so that its taking over my life and making me poorly.

I also cannot get past this as feel as if i am stuck now and cannot move forward and heal from this.

I can't bare him to touch me as feel unatractive, ugly, no self esteem. In fact he had made me feel useless and being ill seems to make me feel worse as he just dosn't seem to want to understand how poorly i am.

I feel so very alone, have no-one to offload with. Had councelling and it made me worse again!!. I am so messed up in my head i feel like leaving but am not prepared to give up my house, money and all that we both have worked for for all these years at my age.

 

He can keep telling me he loves me and wants only me till the end of time but it's not helping me one little bit.

I don't think he realizes what he done to me and how he has messed my head and life up to this extent at all. If i mention anything again he goes off on one as ifs its all over and done with and should move on.

I keep imagining him in all the Hotels he went in with her, took her out to dinner, held hands, kissed, had sex, held each other, told each other they loved one another and that i didn't understand him:mad::mad:

How on earth do you get these images out of your head and move on. ?

 

This weekend we both went away and stayed in a Hotel and it brought all those feelings back again. All he wanted was sex and i could'nt do it and he just kept walking out the room on me and leaving me crying. He also drunk alot too which i can't stand as he turns nasty, not physically just mentally on me too.

I have cancelled the 40th Wedding party which my son and daughter had organized and they fully understand why but he dosn't. He think's i am loosing it or something.

I am sat here now as he is at work and feel as if i will explode when he walks through the door later. I cann't live like this any longer or will go mad.

The only person i can talk with is my mum who is there to listen to me offload as we are very close but my dad has Dementia and i don't want to keep burdening her or worry her any more.

 

My husband has made me feel so worthless, unattractive, unhappy, depressed, useless. I just feel numb with grief if that makes sense.

I read on here about people who's marriage after an affair became alot stronger but right now that seems impossible.

 

Sorry for rambling away but sat here crying writing all this and wonder what would happen if i just disappeared and walked out.

If anyone has any constructive advice then please share it with me.

[Owl]

What are the two of you doing to actively repair the marriage/recover from his infidelity?

 

Are the two of you working together with a marriage counselor to try to identify and fix things that have led to this situation? Worked to identify the damage done by his affair and attempt to recover your marriage from that?

 

Have you considered individual counseling to help you cope with the issues in your marriage AND the emotional trauma you're dealing with from your physical conditions?

 

What are the two of you doing to CHANGE things? Or are you both just trying to "get over it"?

[Spark1111]

Well, the one thing that jumped out at me is his inability to stay calm, kind and compssionate when you need to speak of the affair and the pain it causes you.

 

He caused that pain, and should be willing to help you deal with it.

 

I think IC could help you, because in addition to the affair, you have to deal with a debilitating illness.

 

Plus, it is less than a year since you discovered it. Reconciliation can take anywhere from 2 - 5 years with both parties doing everything right.

 

Why does your husband say he had the affair? Without a lot of counseling on his part, he may just be scratching the surface, and they may not be enough for you to feel able to restore trust in him again.

 

Did he divulge all the info you needed regarding the affair? Did he create a timeline of events and discuss his motivations at each turn? Is he truly remorseful for the pain he caused you?

 

Because NOTHING will kill reconciliation quicker than a WS who trickle-truths, or omits info, or the very worst soul-killer....Let's sweep this under the rug and just move on!

 

Or, I've been a good boy for 10 months now. Let's have sex again as if nothing horrendous has happened or is happening to me!

[Audacia]

I am so sorry you are going through this! I'm a BS who's husband disclosed the A in June 2010. So we have about the same timeline on recovery.

 

I totally understand the images that keep invading your mind. Mine started getting worse around about a month ago. Which they've always been there since D-day but they now make me angry. When I get this way I try and talk to H about them. He's very good about listening and reassuring me and not getting snappy when I ask him a question about the A that I've asked a million times. Are the "movies/images" from details/events he's told you about or is your imagination taking over? I find that when my mind starts elaborating events that if I ask him about them he tells me. And it's never as I imagined it. It helps me to stop creating scenarios and helps my mind stop obsessing over it. Now sometimes it doesn't help. He lied to me before so sometimes I think he may be lying now to "help" me. Cognitive behavioral therapy has helped me with these "movies."

 

I also went on Xanax, Clonopin, Cymbalta and one other I don't remember. I was having anxiety and depression that left me crippled. I found that they didn't help though and I was going to have to deal with the emotions eventually. I also started having anxiety about myself. Low self esteem so bad I didn't leave the house for 2 weeks at one point. I ended up going to a spa, new clothes, long walks and consistently told myself I am beautiful and worth it and the A had nothing to do with any fault of mine but with his fault(s).

 

The only advice I have is to ride the emotional rollercoaster from hell. But don't jump the tracks. I have a H that is helping me though. He understands that there is no time limit on my healing and it may take a couple years. He understands he broke our marriage and he's got a lot of work to make it work. You stated youve been to counseling but has your H gone to IC or MC? (sorry about any grammatical errors, I'm on my phone :} )

[pinkrainbows]

Thankyou all of you for answering me so promptly and helping me right now.

Firstly my husband thinks because he has said sorry soooooooo many times to me and promised never ever to do it again its all over and one with and we should move on. He won't even consider councelling as he says he will not talk to a stranger about OUR problems as he puts it.

Another phrase he keeps using is " i just hope you will be strong enough to stay with me and never leave me".

 

I never met this person and at first thought "Well at least i did'nt see who or what she looked like". However i did find a photo of her on his phone which made it all come out and she was very attractive and i just want to now meet her and talk with her......... don't ask me why, i just need for her to answer me some questions even though i know my husband started the affair.

 

I sit here some days thinking we need a separation to see how we both really feel but then i imagine him with her again or some other woman and i can't bare that either.

 

I keep telling him it can take from years and he thinks i am mad and should get over it!!

 

You see he told me a while back that i did'nt understand him so went elsewhere for company while i was here housebound and very ill.

So ill that i could barely get out of bed and my daughter helped me alot back then. He told me everything they did sexually together ( i needed to know) and he gave me a STD and i went through hell at the Hospital getting all that sorted out. He never once supported me back then. I felt so alone then and could'nt tell anyone as was so ashamed.....

Owl, you have hit the nail on the head with what you put. We are'nt doing anything are we to help us both heal with all this. You have given me something to think about thankyou and talk to him about.

 

Audicia i just keep on imagining them both in Hotels when he worked away and imagine what they were both doing together. He told me everything, well i think everthing that they did together. He also told he that he could'nt deal with my illness but she had Parkinson's and he dealt with that.

She was a business woman in the same line of business as himself and there is a possibilty they will "bump" into one another again and that eats away too.

 

One thing that does eat me up is that he told me they had sex in every position possible and also oral sex everywhere. He never did that with me. Those are the images implanted in my brain and will not go away.

 

What i did do last week was write an 8 page letter putting everything down and am now thinking of giving him it if he won't talk to me.

 

Lastly while we were away and i refused sex and cannot bare him to touch me now he told me to use my imagination and do other things to him. Am i over reacting or what here?

 

Going to have to leave off as burst into tears now.

Will pop back on later if you don't mind as its doing me good to write all this down and talk to others who understand.

Thankyou again x

[Audacia]

Oh girl! I don't know how you are holding on. But then I never thought I could reconcile after an A.

 

One thing I, with the help of or MC, had to explain was you can tell me sorry and you love me all you want but you have taken all my trust away as far as promises and words are concerned. The WS's words aren't worth dirt. Now is the time where actions speak instead of words.

 

He sounds like he is not remorseful. And that he's trying to dictate how long you should take to heal. If he really loved you and didn't want you to leave he'd do whatever it took to keep you. Including MC. Honestly, he put all the time and energy into deceiving you and having an A. He can't take the time and energy to sit down with a MC and repair the mess he made? And as far as sharing his business with someone he doesn't know, he shared his business/life/emotions with someone outside his marriage.

 

 

I know you don't want to hear this but kick him out. Go NC. Get MAD. He seems like he's taking advantage of your vulnerability and your willingness to reconcile. Make him prove he wants to make this work. And I understand the fear of him fleeing to OW, I am still scared of this and my H has been wonderful about supporting and helping me hea and has had NCl. But if you honestly, deep down know he would do this then he is not worth your time. You deserve better. You deserve to be happy and married to someone who treats you wonderful. Someone who wants you and will do anything to keep you.

[OldOnTheInside]

Thankyou all of you for answering me so promptly and helping me right now.

Firstly my husband thinks because he has said sorry soooooooo many times to me and promised never ever to do it again its all over and one with and we should move on. He won't even consider councelling as he says he will not talk to a stranger about OUR problems as he puts it.

Another phrase he keeps using is " i just hope you will be strong enough to stay with me and never leave me".

Your husband isn't doing enough obviously. This is where you have to stamp your foot down. The other woman or me. He needs to be completely transparent, an open book. He needs to work to regain your trust. If nothing is done, there is a very good chance that he will simply return to the OW.

 

I never met this person and at first thought "Well at least i did'nt see who or what she looked like". However i did find a photo of her on his phone which made it all come out and she was very attractive and i just want to now meet her and talk with her......... don't ask me why, i just need for her to answer me some questions even though i know my husband started the affair.

You already know what you need to do then.

 

What i did do last week was write an 8 page letter putting everything down and am now thinking of giving him it if he won't talk to me.

Again, it sounds like you already know what you have to do.

 

Lastly while we were away and i refused sex and cannot bare him to touch me now he told me to use my imagination and do other things to him. Am i over reacting or what here?

No, that is a perfectly normal reaction.

 

The images in your head will lessen in time, but they will never go away. I know that it isn't very useful advise but it is the truth.

 

Like everyone else I would advise MC and IC. If he refuses...well, you shouldn't be the one suffering because of his apathy.

[OldOnTheInside]

He sounds like he is not remorseful. And that he's trying to dictate how long you should take to heal. If he really loved you and didn't want you to leave he'd do whatever it took to keep you. Including MC. Honestly, he put all the time and energy into deceiving you and having an A. He can't take the time and energy to sit down with a MC and repair the mess he made? And as far as sharing his business with someone he doesn't know, he shared his business/life/emotions with someone outside his marriage.

You bring up a good point. OP's husband could still be caught in the affair fog, clouding his thought processes, or he could (literally) be completely remorseless.

 

You know this man better than us pink, what do you think? Has his behaviour always been like this?

[Audacia]

You bring up a good point. OP's husband could still be caught in the affair fog, clouding his thought processes, or he could (literally) be completely remorseless.

 

You know this man better than us pink, what do you think? Has his behaviour always been like this?

 

I'm new at this but how long till this fog starts thinning out? It's been 11 months and I couldn't imagine putting up with it for that long....

[pinkrainbows]

Hello and thankyou again.

Well last night i got so angry with him and never stopped asking questions which i needed answering for 2 whole hours. I kept very calm and he listened to every single word.

He then broke down big time and told me that he could'nt bare to loose me and would do anything to try and repair our Marriage. I have today booked Councelling for both of us next week.

He told me also that he is being tested for testicular cancer and could'nt tell me for fear of worrying me and making my health worse. Alot more was said too and i think i understand a little now of why the affair started.

He told me he was living a double life, had major work problems, could'nt deal with my illness and there was so many other major family issues going on as well, one being his mother who since died a horrific death last November. He has'nt greived for her at all and needs help with this too.

 

We then both hugged each other and held each other, cried together for ages and told each other how much we loved on another.

 

I don't want to meet this other woman now, i want her out of my marriage and head and hopefully with councelling it will help me make sense of all these feelings.

Will let you all know how things go.

[drifter777]

Hello and thankyou again.

Well last night i got so angry with him and never stopped asking questions which i needed answering for 2 whole hours. I kept very calm and he listened to every single word.

He then broke down big time and told me that he could'nt bare to loose me and would do anything to try and repair our Marriage. I have today booked Councelling for both of us next week.

He told me also that he is being tested for testicular cancer and could'nt tell me for fear of worrying me and making my health worse. Alot more was said too and i think i understand a little now of why the affair started.

He told me he was living a double life, had major work problems, could'nt deal with my illness and there was so many other major family issues going on as well, one being his mother who since died a horrific death last November. He has'nt greived for her at all and needs help with this too.

 

We then both hugged each other and held each other, cried together for ages and told each other how much we loved on another.

 

I don't want to meet this other woman now, i want her out of my marriage and head and hopefully with councelling it will help me make sense of all these feelings.

Will let you all know how things go.

 

I'm happy to read about your breakthrough last night and wish you well as you begin putting your life in order. Since you did ask for some feedback let me offer a little.

 

First, your mental health seems to be closely tied to how your husband is treating you at any given moment. You need to work on your self-esteem and sense of personal worth. I know that seeing a counselor is difficult and, at times, feels like it's "making things worse". Remember that when you feel that way it is usually because you are seeing that things need to change and any change is scary & uncomfortable making therapy very difficult at times. Don't give up just because it's seems as though you feel worse because you are going to feel worse before you feel better. Also, your description of the mental images causing you so much pain hits me right in the gut. I am a BS that has suffered from these disgusting images for many, many years. While I believe it is common to most BS's, I also believe that we are all wired differently and some of us have a much more difficult time dealing with these images. For me, the frequency has diminished but the intensity of my reaction to them really hasn't changed much. I have just learned how to suppress my outward response. I sincerely hope you are able to cope with the images better than I have.

[Audacia]

I'm so happy for your breakthrough!!! Don't supress that anger (unless it involves violence, then get his consent beforehand to smack him real good

 

as far as contact with the OW.... I didn't want it. She wanted to explain to me and said some very nasty things in an email she sent to me web I wouldn't respond to her. Which did not help my healing one bit. If anything it hurt me more. But I couldn't believe her anymore than I did my H because they were both liars. She was/is M though from what I've heard her H has been having an A since as disclosed/then retracted the A she was having. The easiest thing was to make sure she stayed out of our life. So much time was wasted on her already I didn't want her to have one more millisecond of my marriage. Now some days I want to call and scream and get answers but I let it pass. My MC told me one thing that has stuck with me: you want to know why, and even after you hear why you will still ask why. Because there is never a justified reason for it. You will never be satisfied with any answers to why.