UnrulyHeart Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 So, I am in a bit of a bad situation with a friend of mine. I am not happy right now, and can't figure out what to do next. I haven't handled the situation that well thus far and want your advice about what I should do next. Details to follow, but the essence is that I am in love with my friend, and I don't know what to do. The details: I am a mid-twenties girl with a male friend about the same age. We are living in another country doing a service program. My crush on him developed after we met last year and became friends; I could not tell if he considered me to be a good friend or if he had something for me as well. I let it fester for a few months before resolving to tell him, but I could never find the "right" situation. I did decide that knowing one way or another would help me either a.) get with the guy or b.) get a "no" so that we could continue on with our friendship. Well, finally I told him that I had a crush on him, and when I did he said he had decided not to date anyone while abroad. He started to explain further, but I told him he need not defend his choice to me. (I didn't want to know why, I thought it would make it harder for me.) That didn't stop him from then telling me he thought I was "amazing" and that if we were back home, maybe things would be different... exactly the sort of thing I didn't want to hear. The conversation ended because we were interrupted, and we didn't get past that. When we saw one another again, I apologized for my behavior (I had pulled him aside at a party, not the best place for this kind of discussion) and he brushed it off and said not to worry about it. Our friendship then resumed as it had been before. In fact, it seems we are closer now than ever. We share many interests, among them a sport we both practice together. Between that, hanging out one-on-one after practice for dinner, time with mutual friends, etc. we probably see one another 10-15 hours a week. He initiates it as often as I do (both talking and invitations to hang out.) We spent this past weekend almost entirely in one another's company. Here is my dilemma: rationally, I know he told me no. That is his answer. I respect him as a friend and as a person, and his choice is his choice, no matter what I think and feel. But, I am falling even harder for him. Like I said, our friendship is getting even closer. I am having trouble keeping him off my mind, and I keep having these irrational hopes that he will "change his mind", which I know is ridiculous. And yet, I feel a sincere connection. That connection, plus his "what if", plus the amount of time he spends with me is enough to fan the flames of that irrational fire. He will finish this program early next year, and I will be staying another half year after that. I know we probably won't see each other much after that. I want him in my life before he goes, one way or another. Between now and then, I need to figure out what to do. What should I do? Should I: a.) stick with being friends and never mention my feelings again. The friendship is great, but being so close with him is only making me love him more. Usually I can focus on just enjoying his company, but sometimes (like right now) I get so caught up in thinking about him that I feel sick. It happens often enough to where it's really bothering me that I can't keep my feelings in check. b.) try to stay friends, but ask him to talk once more about my feelings and his thoughts on the matter, to maybe get a clearer "NO!" I cut him off before, maybe hearing him out would do some good. For example, I would love to know if he only said "what if..." to try to soften the "no". In reality, that has made it far worse than a "no" based on him just not being into me. I would not try to talk him out of his choice not to date me, because that is pointless in my opinion and I would hate it if someone did that to me. c.) see if he would want a friends with benefits scenario. I know this is maybe a bad idea for helping me get over him, but I can't tell you how badly I want to hook up with this guy. the downside to this one is the inherent awkwardness in broaching the subject and, of course, the possibility of a "no." ...or something else that I am not thinking of? Please help!
abbeylouwho Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 I wouldn't ask him again. He said no before, obviously things can change but I think it'd be up to him to make the move, since he knows how you feel. He clearly likes you if he wants to hang out with you so much but if he's not looking for a relationship there's really nothing you can do about it. If it's hurting you so much being with him maybe you should spend some time away from him. Turn him down once in awhile or try to hang out with/meet new people. At the very least it'll lessen the blow when he does leave. But it could even make him realize he wants more from you. Maybe not. I would definitely not do the friends with benefits thing. You're too into him to do that. It's easier for guys to do FWB anyway but if you already have serious feelings about him, IMO you're just setting yourself up for disaster.
Author UnrulyHeart Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 I wouldn't ask him again. He said no before, obviously things can change but I think it'd be up to him to make the move, since he knows how you feel. He clearly likes you if he wants to hang out with you so much but if he's not looking for a relationship there's really nothing you can do about it. Oh, just to be clear, I wouldn't be asking him about whether he wants to date me or not. I know he doesn't. I just wanted to hear the reasons why. He was going to tell me but we never finished the conversation. What he told me was that because of his life situation, he had decided not to have a girlfriend. He gave me an "if..." answer. He may have said that just to make me feel better about rejection. If that is the case I want to hear a clearer no! I think it would help me because then I wouldn't be able to fantasize about the "if" or convince myself that maybe he would "change his mind for me because we have some special connection blah blah blah" or whatever else my irrational mind comes up with. I want him to crush that hope!!
Author UnrulyHeart Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 If it's hurting you so much being with him maybe you should spend some time away from him. Turn him down once in awhile or try to hang out with/meet new people. At the very least it'll lessen the blow when he does leave. But it could even make him realize he wants more from you. Maybe not. I would definitely not do the friends with benefits thing. You're too into him to do that. It's easier for guys to do FWB anyway but if you already have serious feelings about him, IMO you're just setting yourself up for disaster. These are both really good points. I do turn him down occasionally, or force myself not to contact him to invite him to do things. And I do have friends and hobbies that don't involve him. But maybe I ought to slowly but surely back off. It is going to be very difficult for me to do, though. I am feeling so weak. And the friends with benefits thing: yeah. I know it is probably not a good idea. I just know that, a year from now, I am going to be miserable. Am I going to be miserable because a man I love left my life and we never "sealed the deal", and now I will never know what that was like? Or am I going to be crushed because I guy I love and hooked up with left? Both suck, and I honestly can't decide which one would suck more. That is also assuming he would take the bait on the FWB thing...
abbeylouwho Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Do you live near each other when you're back home? I don't know, the whole situation is tough. I've been there, trust me I know haha It's hard to back off but it'll be easier to do it slowly then to just stop all together which you'll have to do when he leaves anyway. I just cut him off for a bit, meaning didn't go out of my way to contact him, and it made me realize I wasn't as into him as I thought I was. I kinda think the "ifs" are a waste of time. It'll make you second guess things and could make everything awkward. Maybe wait till right before he leaves and then the hook up haha
Imajerk17 Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 (edited) There's no reason to press him for a reason why, UnrulyHeart, because I will give you the answer right here. He might love you and care for you as a friend, but he isn't attracted to you enough to want to date you. It would be like kissing a sister. All that stuff he said about "maybe under different circumstances" is to spare your feelings and preserve the friendship. Ironically, the best chance you have of him wondering what he is missing is for you to date other guys. And yes, FWB is likely a mistake. Edited May 3, 2011 by Imajerk17
Author UnrulyHeart Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 There's no reason to press him for a reason why, UnrulyHeart, because I will give you the answer right here. He might love you and care for you as a friend, but he isn't attracted to you enough to want to date you. It would be like kissing a sister. All that stuff he said about "maybe under different circumstances" is to spare your feelings and preserve the friendship. Ironically, the best chance you have of him wondering what he is missing is for you to date other guys. And yes, FWB is likely a mistake. I totally know what you mean. It makes perfect sense. I would like to hear it though, from him, because my irrational mind clings to what he said. I don't think I will stop wondering until he says so. I would also have an easier time convincing myself that it is the age-old brush off without having to ask had I not been given information by an acquaintance. She had some involvement with him, and something went sour. He then resolved not to date anyone while abroad. She told me this before I approached this guy, without knowing about my crush on him. When she told me, I thought to myself, ah, he just didn't want to date HER. I thought maybe I would have better luck... So, he may actually mean what he said. If that is the case, I suppose that would make things even harder, now that I think about it. I still realize that, even if he *is* attracted to me enough to hypothetically date me, the answer is still no. It could be a no for any number of reasons and it is still a no. It could be that he only dates on even-numbered years, or only dates girls with purple hair, or any other reason. It's still his call and nothing can change that. I just can't kill my curiosity and hope without his help.
Author UnrulyHeart Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 Do you live near each other when you're back home? I don't know, the whole situation is tough. I've been there, trust me I know haha It's hard to back off but it'll be easier to do it slowly then to just stop all together which you'll have to do when he leaves anyway. I just cut him off for a bit, meaning didn't go out of my way to contact him, and it made me realize I wasn't as into him as I thought I was. I kinda think the "ifs" are a waste of time. It'll make you second guess things and could make everything awkward. Maybe wait till right before he leaves and then the hook up haha Nah, we live far enough away that I would only see him if we both took the trouble to make it happen. And that is doubtful to be the case. Yeah, it will be fine after a time, once he leaves. But that still means 7-8 months of... whatever. :-/ ...and I totally was thinking the same thing about a last-minute hookup. Maybe that is a better plan than allowing something to go on for months and months, lol!
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