Pianiste Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 I'll first give a bit of background information. I've met this guy three years ago when I accompanied one of my friends on a journey to meet a guy she liked in a foreign country. I wanted to be able to give them some space if they really connected and I vaguely knew this guy that lived in the same city and asked him if it'd be ok with him if I came over. The next couple of weeks we talked a lot, to get a better idea of eachother, and when we met in real life we instantly connected. And so did my friend with the guy she was meeting and we had a wonderful week of doing stuff with the four of us and splitting up from time to time. After that point things developed rapidly and in the next year we visited eachother quite some times. He was looking for a place to do his masters and tried applying to a uni in my country, but as he was a bit late with applying he wasn't accepted and went to another country instead. We met three more times after that but I broke off contact after that because I had the feeling it was going nowhere and it was causing me more heartbreak than happiness. The next summer he asked me whether he could come over but by that time I was dating, not on a very serious note, a different guy and told him that. He told me he really missed me though and I told him we could try to talk as friends from time to time. We talked a bit during the next year as friends but that summer, as his masters came to an end, he asked me whether he could come over, again. I again told me I didn't think it would be a good idea. I remembered the heartache so vividly and wanted to protect myself. He said he was sorry to hear that but could understand it. The next couple of months we lost contact again, summer holidays, new semester of uni for me, a new job for him abroad etc. But on my birthday, around 7,5 month ago, I found two packages infront of my door with gifts, from him. He asked one of my best friends for my adress and send it over as a surprise. Of course it triggered more conversations between us and I felt I was falling for him again. I decided I should give it a shot again, since I had trouble keeping him out of my heart during the past years and so did he. We met again and even went to Paris for a romantic weekend together. Everything was very much a dream but now I feel myself falling under the same spell of uncertainty again. I know myself and I'm a dreamer in the beginning but it doesn't take long before reality kicks in and I tend to weigh my options and make a decision. But I find it so hard to make a decision when there are so many loose ends and I feel very much powerless in the whole situation. I have talked to him about my feelings and that I need some closure but he tells me he lives by the day and has to tie some of his own ends before he can think about this. I told him that if we were to make a move it would be around this time, as he isn't very much tied down yet, and I still have years of study left and can't move. I do consider him a serious option for my future and I told him that. His answer to that was that he could see us travel around more and having a good time but he doesn't think we'll end up together. I was very much hurt when he told me that and asked him why. He told me that you never know the outcome to any relationship whether long distance or close to home, I told him I wasn't happy with his answer and thought it was an easy way out. But this is how he answer all questions, "you never know", "who knows what tomorrow will bring", and in the mean time it feels like I'm on the bench waiting for those few days a month to be a part of his life until he decides he's ready to move on. I really don't know what to think anymore. All these questions are running through my head: Am I asking too much? Am I asking the wrong kind of questions? Am I thinking too far ahead? He is coming over in 2 weeks and I want to bring this topic up again, ideally to get some closure on it, but I don't know how to. Maybe somebody else can try and shine a new light on all of this?
heartshaped Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 He doesn't sound like he's all that serious about you and you want him to be. I think the two of you are at an impasse. If you want to just have fun, then continue to see him until things run their course, but it doesn't sound like you want to have a relationship just for fun so I would cut things short now before it becomes even harder to do so.
Author Pianiste Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 I guess you pretty much summed up the conclusion I was unwilling to draw myself. I just find it so hard to believe that he kept trying to revive contact between us while all he wanted was a bit of fun. We've had talks about this before and it just doesn't make sense he would go through all of the emotional trouble just for a couple of "fun days" every month. I find it a very hard decision to break off contact again with the fear of forever wondering what would've happened if I'd have had a little more patience with his day-by-day approach...
heartshaped Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 His answer to that was that he could see us travel around more and having a good time but he doesn't think we'll end up together. I was very much hurt when he told me that and asked him why. He told me that you never know the outcome to any relationship whether long distance or close to home, I told him I wasn't happy with his answer and thought it was an easy way out. The part above screams to me that he just wants to have fun with you. Not in a crude sense, but just he isn't looking for anything serious and does not see a future with you. I mean he outright says that, but then he sort of back peddles with the "you never know the outcome to any relationship" which to me is just a cop out because he probably sensed that you were upset. Like I said, there's nothing wrong with dating this guy, it sounds like he likes you, and cares for you, but he doesn't see a long term future there and it sounds like you want him to and I think that's where the problem is coming in. Personally, I'd continue seeing him, but only if you can be fine with something short term because he's straight out told you he doesn't see the two of you ending up together.
Author Pianiste Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 Thank you Heartshaped for your input, it really helped! He came over last weekend and we had a good talk about all of this, I told him I would bring it up before he came over so that it wouldn't come as thunder from the clear sky. I guess a big part of the problem is the difference in our personalities. I am very strong, I generally know what I want and immediately start paving the most efficient path towards that goal, he on the other hand lets his parents' expectations guide him through life, they are the force behind most of his choices. All the times he seeked contact with me in the past while we were apart he made that decision himself, I'll hold on to that thought because it seems like it's one of the only choices he was able to make for himself. He also explained that he didn't mean the "you never know the outcome to any relationship" as a "cop out" but that he just doesn't believe in a predictable, trustworthy outcome for anything, I guess he has a very postmodern view towards the future. Overall he seems a bit lost in a world with endless possibilities, trying to live up to expectations, while not believing in direct long-term results from actions/choices. Ah, I see it as a loveable quirk! Anyways, we've decided to keep seeing eachother. We both really love eachother and have a great time together. I'm not in a hurry to settle down, just wanted some clarification, and who knows when (or if) our paths will split but for now I'll enjoy myself, just like you said. :-)
Recommended Posts