siuys Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 i'm almost 3 weeks into NC. was doing pretty well considering, till tonight. maybe it's the couple of drinks i had. maybe it's the couple of tough years i had. i don't know. i broke down on the bus on the way home thinking of xMM and how twisted and toxic this whole thing was, yet i held on. how effing stupid was i? i feel defeated, and dumb, and all the rest. i think about how my ex (before xMM) and how lovely he is, and how great a friend he is, and how i REALLY care about him and love him as a dear friend, and how unfortunate that i cannot be with him because i just don't feel that way. how great a person he is, and why on earth i stuck around for xMM. what is wrong with me? how naive was I? what a stupid idiot... i haven't cried this much in months. i hope xMM is suffering. i hope he will forever rot in hell and suffers at home.
Heart On Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 i'm almost 3 weeks into NC. was doing pretty well considering, till tonight. maybe it's the couple of drinks i had. maybe it's the couple of tough years i had. i don't know. i broke down on the bus on the way home thinking of xMM and how twisted and toxic this whole thing was, yet i held on. how effing stupid was i? i feel defeated, and dumb, and all the rest. i think about how my ex (before xMM) and how lovely he is, and how great a friend he is, and how i REALLY care about him and love him as a dear friend, and how unfortunate that i cannot be with him because i just don't feel that way. how great a person he is, and why on earth i stuck around for xMM. what is wrong with me? how naive was I? what a stupid idiot... i haven't cried this much in months. i hope xMM is suffering. i hope he will forever rot in hell and suffers at home. Be gentle with yourself.Sometimes we have issues that are unknown to us that keep us choosing men that aren't healthy for us.And sometimes we are simply played so hard,we wind up questioning everything about ourselves and our choices! Maybe this will enlighten you as it did me when I was lost and trying to understand how I could be so blind,stupid and naive to think I was "special".How I could fall for someone so damn unavailable in ALL ways! http://www.abandonment.net/abando.frame.html You aren't alone in your fears! But beating yourself up just isn't fair or right or the way to find any peace.
26pointblue Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 I understand what you're saying completely!! I have moments of missing xMm & wanting to talk to him so desperately. Then moments of thinking, wtf was I thinking?! I wasted my very precious time on him when he was giving me crumbs. How could I accept crumbs?! Why am/was I attracted to someone who was unavailable & who I knew was lying to me & his wife? Even when he was telling me the truth, I was accepting crumbs, because the truth was that he wasn't leaving [yet . . . or not again, yet . . . or whatever]. But I just hung on because I didn't want to let go. I wanted us to be what I wanted us to be & I knew we weren't but I kept hanging on & part of me is still hanging on, why?! I can totally relate to your post because I too had an ex who was a good guy, who treated me well, who was honest & trustworthy & I didn't want him. I wasn't attracted to that & to my credit I know he was a doormat [not saying your ex was] & was too nice & I need someone to challenge & stimulate me & to not be afraid to tell me what is on their mind & what they want. So I went to the other extreme & fell for a lying controlling manipulative xMM. I call him all of those things loving him - I love him but I know he is that way, & I wish I never loved him & didn't love him. And the funny thing is that while he seems powerful & in control, he is just as bad as my ex because he was too afraid to tell me what was really going on, he was too afraid to take action & do what it took to be with me, he was too afraid to give up his wife & life as he knew it, so, he seemed strong but he was weak. I know this is off topic but I just read that although Osama bin Laden vowed he would go down fighting, at the last moments of his life, he hid behind a woman. It's probably wrong to compare this in any way to xMM but I have to admit I thought of him. He wants to act like an alpha dog & be in control but really he is afraid to death of losing his wife & was afraid to death of losing me & when it came down to it he would come crawling to me & then back to her & then back to me, etc. And I was allowing it . . . well the woman that bin Laden was hiding behind was killed in the crossfire. I really think we need to protect ourselves & worry about ourselves & not MM or we will end up destroyed. That is what stops me from calling him. Because I've realized that the more I give him, the more he takes, & he doesn't purposefully try it I don't think but he is needy & selfish & doesn't know how it feels to be me, he just looks out for his own temporary best interests. And I need to look out for my permanent best interests. I know I got off track from your post but boy I can relate & I just wanted to say I understand & share my thoughts. I don't know why I was attracted to him but I am really going to try to make a better choice next time! Not a doormat but someone who is nice, sweet to me, & also honest & up front. I believe we deserve them & we will find them. :-) But first we have to look after ourselves & get over these less-than-ideal MMs!!!!! Good luck Siuys.
Hazyhead Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 i'm almost 3 weeks into NC. was doing pretty well considering, till tonight. maybe it's the couple of drinks i had. maybe it's the couple of tough years i had. i don't know. i broke down on the bus on the way home thinking of xMM and how twisted and toxic this whole thing was, yet i held on. how effing stupid was i? i feel defeated, and dumb, and all the rest. i think about how my ex (before xMM) and how lovely he is, and how great a friend he is, and how i REALLY care about him and love him as a dear friend, and how unfortunate that i cannot be with him because i just don't feel that way. how great a person he is, and why on earth i stuck around for xMM. what is wrong with me? how naive was I? what a stupid idiot... i haven't cried this much in months. i hope xMM is suffering. i hope he will forever rot in hell and suffers at home. You are NOT a stupid idiot! You invested in a person who didn't give you the same level of investment back. You stuck around because he charmed and manipulated you into it. Hon, I know that it's horrible right now, I really do, but I promise you it will pass. Day by day it will pass. You must think about how much you are worth, siuys, and remember that. Better days will come, keep trouping on. Hugs and strength, Hazy
janden Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 It does suck, siuys. I'm just approaching the 4 week NC mark (THIS time), but I had a small setback last week. Was having a really bad week for a variety of reasons and something in the news headlines made me want to contact MM (just an excuse, I know) so I blocked my number and tried to call. The timing of the call would have told him with about 99.9% certainty it was me, but of course he ignored me. Like he always did before. So I don't know if technically I broke NC or not. Doesn't matter. I'm not looking back only forward. So I channeled that rejection into anger so that I NEVER make that mistake again. I too feel so very stupid and used. Especially since I've gone back so many times. This time I'm determined to stay out but it sure it hard some days. Take care of you.
ladydesigner Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 i'm almost 3 weeks into NC. was doing pretty well considering, till tonight. maybe it's the couple of drinks i had. maybe it's the couple of tough years i had. i don't know. i broke down on the bus on the way home thinking of xMM and how twisted and toxic this whole thing was, yet i held on. how effing stupid was i? i feel defeated, and dumb, and all the rest. i think about how my ex (before xMM) and how lovely he is, and how great a friend he is, and how i REALLY care about him and love him as a dear friend, and how unfortunate that i cannot be with him because i just don't feel that way. how great a person he is, and why on earth i stuck around for xMM. what is wrong with me? how naive was I? what a stupid idiot... i haven't cried this much in months. i hope xMM is suffering. i hope he will forever rot in hell and suffers at home. suiys I think this is good. The angry stage of grieving. I believe this stage helps catapult the person to indifference. Keep up the great work on NC. You are doing GREAT! I like Heart On's post too, very insightful.
26pointblue Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 I think I'm reaching the anger stage too. I don't really like it because I loved him & I wanted to think positively about him/the former us, but maybe I can't do that & also get over him & move ahead. I feel like the anger is a toxin in my system but in some ways it is better than the feelings of sadness & stupidity & helplnessness. It feels more powerful. But eventually I would really like to get to a place of neutrality & peace. Good luck.
East7 Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 i'm almost 3 weeks into NC. was doing pretty well considering, till tonight. maybe it's the couple of drinks i had. maybe it's the couple of tough years i had. i don't know. i broke down on the bus on the way home thinking of xMM and how twisted and toxic this whole thing was, yet i held on. how effing stupid was i? i feel defeated, and dumb, and all the rest. i think about how my ex (before xMM) and how lovely he is, and how great a friend he is, and how i REALLY care about him and love him as a dear friend, and how unfortunate that i cannot be with him because i just don't feel that way. how great a person he is, and why on earth i stuck around for xMM. what is wrong with me? how naive was I? what a stupid idiot... i haven't cried this much in months. i hope xMM is suffering. i hope he will forever rot in hell and suffers at home. Hang in there Siuys, I have been EXACTLY through the same stage : On one side I was comparing my ex GF to the xMW. My xGF (before I met MW) was loving, loyal, trustworthy and would do anything for me, while xMW was a desperate messed up woman..but I was in love with MW. I dearly miss my xGF. On the other side my feelings for xMW were overwhelming, irresistible. It took me lots of disappointment, hurt and finally anger to get over her. Today I don't miss her, I don't want to hear about her..she is dead to me I think I'm reaching the anger stage too. I don't really like it because I loved him & I wanted to think positively about him/the former us, but maybe I can't do that & also get over him & move ahead. I feel like the anger is a toxin in my system but in some ways it is better than the feelings of sadness & stupidity & helplnessness. It feels more powerful. But eventually I would really like to get to a place of neutrality & peace. Good luck. Anger is MUCH better than chronic sadness.. I prefer feeling bitter for a couple of weeks with xMW than sad for a couple of years. Love is fragile..When a persons hurts you so much that the innermost part of you suffers, it transforms in hate and anger. In this case anger can be healthy, it drains all that toxic feeling out of your heart and prepares your for peace and healing
Author siuys Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 Many thanks for all who posted. I think the crying was necessary for I hadn't really cried since we called it quits. Whatever, i know in time i will be fine... so tired of this BS.
daisy love Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Hugs suiys. I am very sorry you are hurting. The more you love someone, the more it hurts. I hope you feel better soon.
BB07 Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Anger is part of it siuys and it's OK......it's a stage, just don't be too hard on yourself. Hugs........
fooled once Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 i'm almost 3 weeks into NC. was doing pretty well considering, till tonight. maybe it's the couple of drinks i had. maybe it's the couple of tough years i had. i don't know. i broke down on the bus on the way home thinking of xMM and how twisted and toxic this whole thing was, yet i held on. how effing stupid was i? i feel defeated, and dumb, and all the rest. i think about how my ex (before xMM) and how lovely he is, and how great a friend he is, and how i REALLY care about him and love him as a dear friend, and how unfortunate that i cannot be with him because i just don't feel that way. how great a person he is, and why on earth i stuck around for xMM. what is wrong with me? how naive was I? what a stupid idiot... i haven't cried this much in months. i hope xMM is suffering. i hope he will forever rot in hell and suffers at home. oh siuys ((hug)) I am sorry you are hurting. Yes, you do need to cry and grieve. Know what - you are human and you cared a lot for him. Do not beat yourself up for giving into the sadness. Shows you have a good heart and it has been hurt by someone's selfish attitude. I hope you start to feel better. Get it all out of you. You are going to be okay. I truly believe everything we go through prepares us for something in the future. I think you are going to meet someone who is just perfect FOR YOU. Grieve so you can start healing. Big hugs ((hugs))
JadedAmore Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 I missed this post today! Yes, siuys, this WILL pass. Anger is something you are entitled to, because you left yourself vulnerable to someone just to have it shoved right back into your face. Allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to hurt and feel angry. Just do not let those emotions consume you. Why not treat yourself to something nice? You are coming along, and hanging in tough. I'd say that's something to celebrate. Hugs!
Breezy Trousers Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Siuys, your anger is just a crutch you need right now to walk away. One day you'll be able to throw away the crutch. Just not today. Be patient & good to yourself. Three weeks of NC is huge. Can't anything more to Heart On's response. Spot on.
Kismetly Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Hi Siuys, hope you're feeling better. I've been reading along and have been pretty inspired by your journey and hopeful that I too might get to the stage you got to when you just realised it was time to let go. I've just finished reading "Women who love too much." by Robin Norwood. It's a book that I've been actively resisting reading for 15 years. It's blurb reads ... Do you find yourself attracted again and again to troubled, distant, moody men - while "nice guys" seem boring? Do you obsess over men who are emotionally unavailable, addicted to work, hobbies, alcohol, or other women? Do you neglect your friends and your own interests to be immediately available to him? Do you feel empty without him, even though being with him is torment? ..... I really recommend it. It has enabled me to see that I've got some serious work to do on making better choices about the men I chose to be involved with, and the reasons why I attract and am attracted to inappropriate and/or unavailable men. Take care.
Author siuys Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 Thanks, all. Appreciate the kind words and the encouragement. It's just tough. What else can I say. You all know what it feels like. It just sux - big time. Thank God this is the ONLY person that was ever unavailable. I am NEVER go down that road again. It's just insane and stupid. Lose lose for me totally. I am just taking it day by day. I know I can not hurry up the process (very unfortunate)... so hopefully soon I have upbeat updates and can say I am feeling good. I've forgotten what it feels like to feel good!
Recommended Posts