johan Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 Yes, I actually do. I think you criticize her too much. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 I think you criticize her too much. You call it criticism. I call it a relevant observation. It's another method of attention seeking for external validation. That's not a criticism, just an situational observation. She sought approval and validation from her mother, but didn't get it. So now, she seeks it from others. Again, not a criticism, just an observation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 6, 2011 Author Share Posted May 6, 2011 I've always wondered, why do you constantly change your avatar, and what is said avatar a photo of YOU 98.9% of the time? Because it's fun. I like taking pictures and lot of them are of me. I also felt attacked by people on here saying that I am some made up person. You had pics of yourself as avvies plenty of times, as do other posters. Don't see what the big deal is. Link to post Share on other sites
orangelady Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 Do you think it's another clue? I think she just needs to change a few things about the way she thinks of herself. Also, about the mother issues, seriously, EVERYone has some kind of family issue. Tell me one person that had perfect parents? Even if they did, they still suffer from all kinds of self esteem issues. My parents weren't bad or anything but I still face rejection, low self esteem, insecurity. There's always someone to blame but we as adults, have control over what to do with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 You had pics of yourself as avvies plenty of times, as do other posters. Don't see what the big deal is. Wrong! I had a picture up about 3-4 years ago for about 2 hours in "post your picture as your avatar" thread. Other than that, I've never had a picture of up as an avatar. Ever. I have an album that only my contacts - like 10 people - can see. I can think of only 4 people who use their pictures as an avatar, and only one of them isn't attention seeking. That said... I don't understand why you won't acknowledge the impact your mother's criticisms and articulated disappointment has affected you and the way you approach relationships. It would be such a turning point for you if you could do that... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 6, 2011 Author Share Posted May 6, 2011 Wrong! I had a picture up about 3-4 years ago for about 2 hours in "post your picture as your avatar" thread. Other than that, I've never had a picture of up as an avatar. Ever. I have an album that only my contacts - like 10 people - can see. I can think of only 4 people who use their pictures as an avatar, and only one of them isn't attention seeking. That said... I don't understand why you won't acknowledge the impact your mother's criticisms and articulated disappointment has affected you and the way you approach relationships. It would be such a turning point for you if you could do that... Because I don't want to shift blame on my mother. She has given me so many positive memories. Sure, she isn't perfect - but I feel that it's unfair to blame my f-ed updness on her. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 Because I don't want to shift blame on my mother. She has given me so many positive memories. Sure, she isn't perfect - but I feel that it's unfair to blame my f-ed updness on her. Who said anything about blame? You have to acknowledge, understand and accept WHY you are the way you are before you can CHANGE the way you are. Cause, and effect. You're trying to treat symptoms without knowing what the underlying disease is. But the same symptoms can stem from several different sources... One must know the disease in order to cure it. Link to post Share on other sites
Nexus One Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 I don't understand why you won't acknowledge the impact your mother's criticisms and articulated disappointment has affected you and the way you approach relationships. It would be such a turning point for you if you could do that... It almost seems as if you want to make her admit that, whether it's a correct diagnose or not. You're not a psychologist, neither are most therapists more than glorified 3rd party freelance personal advisors that did a three week course on how to tell people how all their issues originate from their childhood. What I'm saying is, that there's a chance your theory is incorrect, yet despite that you're pressing her to admit it. Link to post Share on other sites
orangelady Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 It almost seems as if you want to make her admit that, whether it's a correct diagnose or not. You're not a psychologist, neither are most therapists more than glorified 3rd party freelance personal advisors that did a three week course on how to tell people how all their issues originate from their childhood. What I'm saying is, that there's a chance your theory is incorrect, yet despite that you're pressing her to admit it is correct. I don't think anyone of us here is a qualified therapist. We don't even really know ES as a person. Let her decide what to do. Maybe she just needs to have new passions, interests and hobbies in life apart from dating. That's what others are saying on the other thread with this other guy who feels this way. It's kinda true. You put all your focus and hope in a relationship and your life's finished. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 I think it's interesting how this thread started with "this is kind of bothering me" and has escalated to "should I break up with him?" even in spite of the positive, affectionate strokes your oblivious boyfriend has applied to your ego during its course. Nothing has happened ... yet, look where you've traveled. I wonder how he'd react if he were to read this thread? Also, I call BS on your claim that you don't post here for attention. I do believe that you may not perceive it that way, but sheesh, woman. You might be some kind of record holder for number of threads. Even when you are "absent" from these fora, you are still around in other guises ... "External validation" (synonymous with the way you seek constant, consistent attention, IMO) seems to be where it's at, for you, through and through. In all sincerity, I have to tell you that you cannot EVER win with that - there is not enough that anyone on this planet and beyond can provide for you to fulfill you. It's got to come from within - or it's not coming. At all. You could get that for yourself, if you were willing. I agree. But the Internet provides a long line of well-meaning people who want to pass some time and so provide that stream of thoughts for her. It's about now that I feel I'm enabling not helping and will make this my last post on this thread. Like you, I frequently find myself exasperated and am concerned that the guy is in a frustrating position where he is being willed to be the baddie by someone who slips back into her comfort zone of victim-abuser thinking, and because of that thinking wishes to manipulate him into being the abuser so that she is not the abuser. Paradoxically, this desire to not be an abusive person leads to being abusive, but is understandable when you give yourself the choice of being an abuser or a victim. Breaking that thinking and agreeing to be an active participant in her own life and accepting that her behaviour can hurt people such as her boyfriend is the way out of the abuser-victim model. As I said, this is my last post on this thread. I have said all I can that can make a material difference. I have suggested practical ideas for spicing up the relationship. That's all I'm willing to offer. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 ....Whoa. I agree the OP has a lot to work on, but criticizing people for putting pics of themselves as their avatar? Srsly? Really, this sort of over-analyzing is more harmful than beneficial, especially when done by a non-professional over the Internet. Stop trying to play psychiatrist and actually go and be one if you feel the urge so strongly. Link to post Share on other sites
A O Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 I can think of only 4 people who use their pictures as an avatar, and only one of them isn't attention seeking. She looks remarkably like Sarah O'Hare, a well-known supermodel down my way. I don't understand why you won't acknowledge the impact your mother's criticisms and articulated disappointment has affected you and the way you approach relationships. It would be such a turning point for you if you could do that...The real turning point is in convincing everyone here that she is beyond our help. There is nothing that anyone here can do for her and the years she's been here bears this out. The best that has happened, and it's simply a side step, is to move her dysfunctional thinking from the dating scene to the relationship game. But the dysfunction, whatever it is that causes this continuous drama - that still flourishes. . Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 6, 2011 Author Share Posted May 6, 2011 She looks remarkably like Sarah O'Hare, a well-known supermodel down my way. The real turning point is in convincing everyone here that she is beyond our help. There is nothing that anyone here can do for her and the years she's been here bears this out. The best that has happened, and it's simply a side step, is to move her dysfunctional thinking from the dating scene to the relationship game. But the dysfunction, whatever it is that causes this continuous drama - that still flourishes. . External validation +1 :bunny::bunny: I am going to disregard everything else you said because the bolded is the only thing I am after p.s. do you think I am crazier than one_goal? Link to post Share on other sites
orangelady Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 External validation +1 :bunny::bunny: I am going to disregard everything else you said because the bolded is the only thing I am after p.s. do you think I am crazier than one_goal? I wonder how she looks like without the blonde hair and all that fake tan and heavy make up. But it does work I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
orangelady Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 External validation +1 :bunny::bunny: I am going to disregard everything else you said because the bolded is the only thing I am after p.s. do you think I am crazier than one_goal? Don't know who one_goal is but I remember you being the one who was so crazy about your bf putting a pic of both of you together on FB and how that validated you and I was thinking to myself, "how old is she?" Link to post Share on other sites
col182 Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 ES, I very rarely post here, but I felt I should on your thread. You are scarily like me in my current situation. Though I'm the one that's in love after 5 months and thinking my girlfriend has lost interest. I'm constantly finding things that I think mean she is looking rid of me etc etc You need to get out and away from the negative attitude, it's difficult, but you'll finally break through and see it's all very very good. Col Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 6, 2011 Author Share Posted May 6, 2011 Looks like my bf is not looking to dump me any time soon. He just asked me if I would like him to buy me a ticket to a soccer game, 1.5 months from now. We are also planning on going skiing in 2 months - he just brought it up again. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Joolie Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 The real turning point is in convincing everyone here that she is beyond our help. There is nothing that anyone here can do for her and the years she's been here bears this out. The best that has happened, and it's simply a side step, is to move her dysfunctional thinking from the dating scene to the relationship game. But the dysfunction, whatever it is that causes this continuous drama - that still flourishes. She isn't "beyond our help" nor is it helping her to tell her about her "dysfunctional thinking". We just come on here to contribute our comments, get our LS kick, and that's it. She then listens and takes or leaves what she hears. It's the awesome LS experience. Let's do our part to keep the love in the shack. ha Link to post Share on other sites
col182 Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 Looks like my bf is not looking to dump me any time soon. He just asked me if I would like him to buy me a ticket to a soccer game, 1.5 months from now. We are also planning on going skiing in 2 months - he just brought it up again. You're making that sound like a bad thing! That's a great sign. We organised a weekend away for the end of this month back at the start of the year, and we'd only met at the end of November. Good things are happening here, that's a positive. Are you scared of being loved? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted May 6, 2011 Author Share Posted May 6, 2011 You're making that sound like a bad thing! That's a great sign. We organised a weekend away for the end of this month back at the start of the year, and we'd only met at the end of November. Good things are happening here, that's a positive. Are you scared of being loved? I am scared that he doesn't love me or care about me and that he is just going through the motions. How do you even tell what the person is REALLY feeling/thinking? Link to post Share on other sites
col182 Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 I think the proof is the pudding here. He is very affectionate towards you, he's planning things in the future with you. The way he talks about you, his little mannerisms, they point towards those loving feelings. I on the other hand, am scared to death to tell her how much I love her and miss her incase I frighten her off! Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Joolie Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 Something I noticed in what you said, ES, is that you were missing that head over heels kind of passion in the relationship. Yet from what I was reading, it seems you two are both prone to doing too much, too fast. Both of you are now in the "take it slow and easy" boat, yet both of you really are capable of being passionate in the relationship. For all his pacing, for all your pacing, just see that it's part of this new discovery of a slower, even deeper love. With all his heart drawings, and cute names for you, and his plans he has with you way in advance, it sounds like you are in a wonderful relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 I am scared that he doesn't love me or care about me and that he is just going through the motions. How do you even tell what the person is REALLY feeling/thinking? The problem here isn't his actions. I'm sure that when you think about it, you realize that his actions speak to someone who enjoys spending time with you, who is letting himself fall in love with you, who is committed to the relationship. The problem here is that you don't trust your own instincts. You struggle to accept that everything is going well and, instead, you're spending time looking for clues that things aren't going well. When I feel like this, I remind myself of one thing: whatever happens, I will be ok. This is also the moment when you should be thinking about your own feelings. Do you enjoy spending time with him? Are your feelings getting stronger for him? If so, then allow yourself to take the risk of trusting him for as long as the relationship makes you happy. There's something generous about feeling in love. There's something brave about it. At one point, you're going to have to decide: "Yes, I'm crazy about this man so I will allow myself to fall in love". Or, you can also decide: "No, this relationship doesn't meet my needs, so I will move on". Either way, the guiding principle is how you feel. You need to find it yourself to believe in your own strength and to trust your capacity to make the right decisions for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
blueskyday Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 Well said, Kamille. I'm printing that off right now! Link to post Share on other sites
col182 Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 When I feel like this, I remind myself of one thing: whatever happens, I will be ok That very much depends on the person. For me, if my girfriend told me she no longer wanted to be in a relationship with me, I'd be far from okay. Link to post Share on other sites
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