This is kind of bothering me.....seriously :(

[Els]

Just responding to the last few posts, I honestly think that if you don't feel comfortable sleeping with another person you're just not ready for it yet and should take things slow. There's nothing wrong with that! You don't both have to fit like a perfect glove for a hand after a couple months of dating and do everything married couples do. Neither does it mean anything!

[ASG]

Just responding to the last few posts, I honestly think that if you don't feel comfortable sleeping with another person you're just not ready for it yet and should take things slow. There's nothing wrong with that! You don't both have to fit like a perfect glove for a hand after a couple months of dating and do everything married couples do. Neither does it mean anything!

 

It has nothing to do with it. It's jst a matter of getting used to it. Some people don't have this problem, but a lot of people do.

[betterdeal]

Tim Burton and Helen Bonham Carter have separate houses with an adjoining door. Sounds perfect to me.

[zengirl]

The only thing that's missing is that feeling of fate, of being struck by lightening, a feeling that's so encompassing that nothing else in the world matters. And it's missing from his side and my side as well. Only he is more pragmatic than me. I am a hard core romantic.

 

I sometimes think that if he felt that way about me, he would be able to pull me in and make me relax enough to fall deeper. But instinctively, I know he really likes me and all, he is just not head over heels for me. And that's the subject of this thread.

 

I worry that somewhere down the line he wil find "IT" and cheat on me or leave me. I am scared that he will be one of those guys who is fond of his partner but not in love with her. Those fears make me want to bolt, as I don't want to deal with devastation that I see in my future.

 

I guess it depends on what all that 'lightning' stuff means to you -- both what causes that feeling for you and

 

For me, not being able to sleep comfortably with someone would be a big red flag. But that's MY psychology.

 

You can NEVER know the result of a path before you walk it. There are no guarantees this guy won't cheat on you, leave you, break your heart, etc, and there NEVER WILL BE WITH ANY GUY EVER. Sorry to shout, but you are always speculating as to what could happen, and I just don't think life is about those kinds of red flags (red flags are more for bad patterns, people you know are bad for you, and things that are downright toxic, like abuse). People can be great, and they can break your heart, and it doesn't make them any less great. . . just less great for you. They can also seem great for ages and turn into massive jerks. People are strange like that. There are no guarantees. Nothing even close.

 

I think you need to figure out YOUR psychology a bit better. What kind of relationship do you want, ES? And does this "fit" that mold? You need to think more about you and who you are and less about what he might do.

 

It's NOT RIGHT to USE another human being.

 

I don't think she's using this guy. I do think ES needs to figure out what she wants, but I think she's being a lot healthier with this guy than the last few. And people have doubts. So long as she actively tries to figure out what she wants, which seems to be what she's trying to do right now, I think she's not "using" him.

[Imajerk17]

Well, I think Eternal Sunshine is annoying as hell sometimes, but I don't think she is "using" her boyfriend.

 

ES seems obsessed with finding someone to love her. So much so that she freaks out at and reacts impulsively to the smallest or nonsensical signs--such as this one--that the guy might not feel the same way.

 

This is such a drive for her, going by what she has written here anyway, that she will overlook HUGE red flags in a guy's character. Her last boyfriend--The Artist--is a great example. He seemed to have serious character/emotional issues, but it didn't matter to ES because he loved ES the way she needed to be loved. Or at least he did for the first few weeks.

 

I sometimes think ES sabotages herself because in a way, it actually would be a relief for her if this relationship ended. Over the long hall, of course there are going to be signs of disinterest and annoyance from her partner, as there are in any relationship. If ES keeps taking these sorts of things so hard (she probably does it because she doubts her lovability), of course she is going to associate her relationship with torture, and wish for it on some level to end.

Edited May 4, 2011 by Imajerk17

[Ruby Slippers]

Once when I found myself in a real pickle in a relationship, a counselor gave me some good advice: Discuss the problem and how you're going to work together to improve it, then give it 8-12 months to get better. If after that time nothing has improved, you will know it's not going to, and you can leave the relationship in the clear.

 

You might try a version of this: give yourself X amount of time (say, 3 months, 6 months, whatever). See if you are more in love and have a stronger emotional bond after that amount of time has passed. And during this time, don't worry about how in love with you he is or is not. Just enjoy him and your relationship and let the love grow naturally.

 

After this time period, you'll have more information and can evaluate the relationship and feelings more objectively.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Thanks you guys - lots of great and insightful posts.

 

A O - while you may be right in some aspects, I never had a bad childhood. In fact, my childhood is one of the best times of my life. My both parents are loving and giving. They are still together, live 10 mins from me and are as loving and giving as ever In fact I often have this crazy notion that by them giving me so much love, I have used up my qouta of love assigned by the universe, so nobody else can love me. I admit to a lot of issues you outline - just not sure where they could stem from. Perhaps making bad relationship/romantic choices early on in life and somehow turning that into a pattern.

 

welike - I looked up the book that you recommended on Amazon, and can already tell that I would love it. That sort of humor is right up my alley. I would love a Kindle version so that I can start reading NOW, but looks like I will have to wait for the postman.

 

Star, Titania, it's good to know that sleeping thing is not as weird as I thought. I somehow always imagine couples sleeping blissfully and perfectly together from the get go. I still enjoy sleeping in the same bed with him so much that I am willing to forgo some sleep.

 

No happy jen, he never told me that he loves me but is not crazy for me. It's just his views that you make love happen rather than it just happens that bother me. If he ever tells me that not crazy about me thing, I will leave.

 

I like Ruby's idea to give it 3 more months and see how things evolve (he may dump me during that time - but I will stay for that duration if given the chance).

[Survivor12]

I believe it may have been asked before & maybe I just missed your answer, but I am curious...are you "crazy" about him?

[A O]

A O - while you may be right in some aspects, I never had a bad childhood. In fact, my childhood is one of the best times of my life. My both parents are loving and giving. They are still together, live 10 mins from me and are as loving and giving as ever

Interesting, it's not what I remember assuming you're the other posters whom often get referred to in your threads.

 

I admit to a lot of issues you outline - just not sure where they could stem from. Perhaps making bad relationship/romantic choices early on in life and somehow turning that into a pattern.

Where they stem from is important. But what's equally as important is that they lie unresolved. Your up and down dating and now relationship history attests to that.

 

As you, and many people here know already, our behavior is heavily influenced by our upbringing. The fact that you made poor relationship choices from the get go is indicutive of something askew with how you were raised, with how you were brought up to see yourself more so than those relationships themselves. And the fact that this pattern still remains to this day and that the only constant in "all" of them is you means that whatever sets you off, whatever it is that leads your core thinking process astray is still very much alive and kicking within you now.

 

And despite an endless array of well-meaning posters no one here has been able to solve this one big problem, this one big issue that all your other problems stem from. In fact, in most cases its the exact opposite. They, like you, concentrate on each issue as it arises thus taking away focus from where its needed the most - the underlying cause that creates all of your problems.

 

And, again, until that one big issue is addressed, then we're all just walking around in circles.

 

 

.

[Star Gazer]

A O - while you may be right in some aspects, I never had a bad childhood. In fact, my childhood is one of the best times of my life.

 

Do you have any siblings? Are they married? Is there perhaps some competition there? Feelings of not living up to standards?

 

You've also said before you feel pressure to get married to make your parents happy. This reflects a desire to please to receive love.

 

Just throwing out some ideas. These feelings had to come from somewhere...

 

I like Ruby's idea to give it 3 more months and see how things evolve (he may dump me during that time - but I will stay for that duration if given the chance).

 

There's been no indication that that will happen... unless you start looking at your watch during sex.

[zengirl]

In fact I often have this crazy notion that by them giving me so much love, I have used up my qouta of love assigned by the universe, so nobody else can love me. I admit to a lot of issues you outline - just not sure where they could stem from.

 

Wow, that's a big one. Look at that belief for a minute, ES. Really look at it.

 

Yes, you call it "crazy" but it's also there in your mind, influencing you as you go about your life (beliefs do that; change your beliefs, change your life).

 

How will you ever find a great big love if you believe you've used it up or believe it's scarce? How will anyone ever live up to that notion, particularly if you don't think people can?

 

I think you hit pay dirt there. There are probably quite a few other beliefs limiting you as well. Seriously: Change your beliefs, change your life. I've seen it so many times.

[betterdeal]

I wonder what will be enough love from another for you? In a perfect world, what does a "true love" relationship look like?

 

I think your idea of love is an illusory, fairytale like idea. The trouble with fairytales is they end with a "happy ever after". That's it. We just enter something like a state of permanent bliss, trapped forever in a one-dimensional sunset moment.

 

Your boyfriend is right in that this does not exist. Even Buddhists don't reach Nirvana on this Earth. It's almost as though you want to return to some time in your childhood when you were happy and innocent of hurt, and stay there.

 

Thing is, we cannot do that, and even if we could we'd still grow up, again and again, going through all the growing pains, and being exposed to things that can hurt us and getting hurt because we're ignorant of how to avoid, minimize or repair any harm done to or by us.

 

You have a relationship. One that has a great pair of legs. This is reality. This is now. You are an active part of life. You are an active part of your boyfriend's life. Whatever causes you to keep looking for the woods when all you can see is trees is not his problem, it's yours.

 

Relationships that last (be they friendships, family, or lovers) are pieces of elastic between two people, not magical portals into a different world, if only the other person would let go of everything else but you and jump with you into this place where running on adrenalin and cortisol, and having no other interests but you is completely sustainable.

 

So figure out what you're not happy with in life and deal with it. Be that past hurt, harmful defence mechanisms, your boyf's sense of humour, the colour of your car, whatever, and tackle each thing practically, thoughtfully, fearlessly.

[johan]

It's probably true that ES generally feels uneasy and nervous in a relationship. But she keeps thinking that when she gets enough of the right kind of love from Mr. Right, then the anxiety will go away. And because it isn't subsiding, she is thinking that the love must be of low quality. The anxiety comes from within.

 

It's not really a guy's function in life to soothe permanently frayed nerves like that. It's generally a can't-win proposition. The best he can do is just continue to be true to his word and be there and be trustworthy, in spite of the fact that she doubts his word, that he will stay, and that he can really be trusted.

 

There is little to be gained though from trying to argue his own case. He just needs to not get into conversations where he's required to defend those aspects of himself.

[zengirl]

It's probably true that ES generally feels uneasy and nervous in a relationship. But she keeps thinking that when she gets enough of the right kind of love from Mr. Right, then the anxiety will go away. And because it isn't subsiding, she is thinking that the love must be of low quality. The anxiety comes from within.

 

It's not really a guy's function in life to soothe permanently frayed nerves like that. It's generally a can't-win proposition. The best he can do is just continue to be true to his word and be there and be trustworthy, in spite of the fact that she doubts his word, that he will stay, and that he can really be trusted.

 

There is little to be gained though from trying to argue his own case. He just needs to not get into conversations where he's required to defend those aspects of himself.

 

Great points, johan!

[betterdeal]

I remember being called at 2am on a Friday morning by a mutual friend to be told my ex had been evicted by her drunken landlord trying to shove her out of the house. I spent the next 4 hours moving all her stuff to my house and she was understandably in shock, but she kept asking me things like "will you take care of me" "will you be there for me", whilst I was carrying a box of her stuff from the car to the house.

 

Had I been more clear-headed, I'd have said "I am caring for you" and "I am here for you now". It was always like this. Whatever I was doing she would always ask me to do it, as though me doing it, being it, wasn't enough, that somehow there was a different, more pure way of being affectionate / dependable / caring.

 

Whenever she found in me the things that she wanted in a man, she asked for it, as though it wasn't enough. It was completely emotionally draining.

[threebyfate]

ES, you've previously mentioned on LS that your mother's hypercritical. Are you sure this hasn't had impact on you?

 

I'd guess this type of parenting would heavily erode on self-worth.

 

Ever notice how you're drawn to people who nit-pick you?

[Art_Critic]

Ever notice how you're drawn to people who nit-pick you?

 

Just like her threads on LS

[Eternal Sunshine]

ES, you've previously mentioned on LS that your mother's hypercritical. Are you sure this hasn't had impact on you?

 

I'd guess this type of parenting would heavily erode on self-worth.

 

Ever notice how you're drawn to people who nit-pick you?

 

Interesting.

 

Do you think my current boyfriend nitpicks me?

[betterdeal]

Ever get the feeling you're the one nitpicking?

[Star Gazer]

Interesting.

 

Do you think my current boyfriend nitpicks me?

 

No, hence why you're not drawn to him. Hence why you don't feel passion and excitement.

[Eternal Sunshine]

No, hence why you're not drawn to him. Hence why you don't feel passion and excitement.

 

And he feels the same way.....so is there really a point to this R?

[Chops]

Hi There,

 

I have been in a very similar situation to the guy you're referring to. I may be way off but here's what happened for me..

 

After a series of failed relationships and ageing into my thirties I started asking myself what happiness was.. I'd been exposed to a lot of philosophy in my time and found myself reading a lot about Existentialism at one point

 

This resulted in a series of triggers, I decided that only I could make myself happy and any external joy was not real or was not sustainable. This then questioned the status of love in my life.. and True love became an urban myth that fools subscribed to for gratification. I know that may sound cold and horrible but it seemed true..

 

Perhaps he is on a similar journey given his recent bad break-ups?? But at the same time very much into you..

 

My 2c.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Agh, things are really starting to get weird between me and my bf now.

 

We had following awkward text convo:

 

-----------------------------

 

me: hey, we will have to get a taxi to suburb x where my friend's housewarming party is.

 

him: I will ask my brother if he can give us a lift tonight and let you know.

 

me: Cool...I can't believe we have 2 more parties to attend on Sat night too!

 

him: That's 'cause we are so popular, we rock.

 

me: I just wish I had you more to myself

 

him: don't be selfish

 

me: I am thinking of staying over tomorrow night.

 

him: We will see - you can stay over whenever you like (note: I wasn't sure why he said "we will see")

 

me: We will see? Should I pack my toothbrush?

 

him: Pack it, it's not like it will take much space anyway.

 

me (now feeling insecure and like he doesn't want me to sleep over.....): If you would rather I don't sleep over tomorrow, just let me know, it's cool.

 

him: Don't be silly!!!

 

me: OK, I will let you get back to work now

 

him: Perhaps you should do some work too

 

him: kiss & heart

 

 

--------------------------

 

Now I feel like I have forced him to have me sleep over...I dunno

Edited May 5, 2011 by Eternal Sunshine

[welikeincrowds]

And he feels the same way.....so is there really a point to this R?

 

Damn, you're good.

 

But don't conflate terms. "Drawn," as I understand it, refers to your reaction to an addictive byproduct of some negative pattern of yours. It's doesn't refer to the same feeling as love, or being in love, or earnest affection.

 

At least, I think that's it. It's all a little confusing to me now that your childhood got thrown in.

[welikeincrowds]

Agh, things are really starting to get weird between me and my bf now.

 

We had following awkward text convo:

 

-----------------------------

 

me: hey, we will have to get a taxi to suburb x where my friend's housewarming party is.

 

him: I will ask my brother if he can give us a lift tonight and let you know.

 

me: Cool...I can't believe we have 2 more parties to attend on Sat night too!

 

him: That's 'cause we are so popular, we rock.

 

me: I just wish I had you more to myself

 

him: don't be selfish

 

me: I am thinking of staying over tomorrow night.

 

him: We will see - you can stay over whenever you like (note: I wasn't sure why he said "we will see")

 

me: We will see? Should I pack my toothbrush?

 

him: Pack it, it's not like it will take much space anyway.

 

me (now feeling insecure and like he doesn't want me to sleep over.....): If you would rather I don't sleep over tomorrow, just let me know, it's cool.

 

him: Don't be silly!!!

 

me: OK, I will let you get back to work now

 

him: Perhaps you should do some work too

 

him: kiss & heart

 

 

--------------------------

 

Now I feel like I have forced him to have me sleep over...I dunno

 

Are you kidding?

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with anything he said.

 

I'm about to throw away my computer and cancel my internet connection.