PinkChic Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 (edited) Hello Everyone, So today my ex and I met up for the first time in almost a month since our break up. These "talk sessions" were meant so that we could talk about things, and develope a friendship for the sake of our unborn child. I must remind you all again, we are VERY respectful to one another. We don't yell at each other, bicker or raise our voice (we never have)... Despite my massive amounts of anger and resentment towards him I would never disrespect him. It was very awkward at first. But him and I always seem to become comfortable after a few minutes... he is normally the awkward one... I'm normally the outgoing, talkative one. His first thing out of his mouth ... in a nice way, i suppose.... "So.. are you seeing anyone.. any guys?"... This caught me VERY off guard.. he is NOT the type to ask this... I am almost 3 months pregnant with your child and you think I'm really going to get another man involved in this saga? However, I kind of changed the subject.. I never really answered the question. A part of me wants him to wonder... although I would like to think he should know me better than to think I'm seeing someone... I really didn't want these "talk sessions" to turn into talk about our previous relationship as the ending to our relationship was very difficult for me. He kept bringing it up. During this conversation I asked him "Are you still happy with the decision you made?" (To walk out on me)... after 30 seconds of "thinking" he said "I'm still deciding..."... I felt like this was just him being a tough guy because he gave me a small smile after he said it and said "I expected to be happier"... he then said he missed me "alot more than he thought he would"... and that he missed "the little things"... Also at one point I asked him "Does it bother you that I'm so angry with you?"... On Friday I got my first EVER apology from him. Today he said to me "right now, no it doesn't because atleast we're talking now"... I wish I could describe to you all my ex as a person... Even I have a hard time with this!... He is very soft spoken.. I was his first EVER girlfriend at 26... he is the extreme case of commitment phobe.. he also knows this (and is "trying" to help himself)... He NEVER initiates communication, today I said to him that it slightly bothered me that here I am carrying your baby and you can't ever just text "Hey, how are you feeling?" or make any attempt to be involved... This was a HUGE deal for him (and me of course) finding out I was pregnant after he broke up with me... and I should say that lately... he has been EXTRA nice.. and not that he initiates contact but he has been trying more... so I guess I give him credit for that... I did bring this up to him and he said "That's just how I am, Amanda... I never communicate or initiate contact, even when we were together" ... which is so true. I felt kind of bad after I left. I am NOT a cold person. Infact, I could initiate a full blown conversation with the person in front of me at starbucks.. I love talking to people... But in our talk it seemed like he was trying to be nice and what not and I was rather short and i really let him have it sometimes of how much he hurt and disappointed me... (in a respectful way of course). He didn't rebutle at all, infact he mostly agreed. He asked how my parents were doing and I respond "My dad wants to kill you...." his response: "Rightfully so"... At the end of the conversation he said "maybe next time we can do coffee?"... I don't know what to think... I feel like I have to read into things with him because he is NOT a communicator, he is not an initiator and he lacks skills that most individuals have as far as communicating. What do you guys think? Did I handle it well? Edited May 3, 2011 by PinkChic
D-Lish Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Honestly PC, him having his attachment issues is all fine and dandy- but he needs to look at the bigger picture now that the two of you are having a child. Yes, you handled it fine. I recently suffered a MC with my now ex. He left after I had the MC, left me while I was still really raw over the loss and still incredibly hormonal. Your pregnancy is going to force him to face his fears about everything- and it should. He's got a child on the way- he needs to step up and face you, the baby, and the next 20 years. I'm sure that's a daunting process for someone with an attachment disorder- but he doesn't have a choice. My advice to you is to be patient. Don't push him, let him process this without putting pressure on him (which you've been amazing at so far despite probably going insane on the inside). I know what it's like to want to have your needs met during a tumutuous time like this. You're scared, confused, angry- and it sucks not to have a partner than can step up for you. Just make sure to look after yourself first, and don't focus on reconciliation with him. Hugs girl- you're going through a lot, I feel your pain.
Author PinkChic Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 Honestly PC, him having his attachment issues is all fine and dandy- but he needs to look at the bigger picture now that the two of you are having a child. Yes, you handled it fine. I recently suffered a MC with my now ex. He left after I had the MC, left me while I was still really raw over the loss and still incredibly hormonal. Your pregnancy is going to force him to face his fears about everything- and it should. He's got a child on the way- he needs to step up and face you, the baby, and the next 20 years. I'm sure that's a daunting process for someone with an attachment disorder- but he doesn't have a choice. My advice to you is to be patient. Don't push him, let him process this without putting pressure on him (which you've been amazing at so far despite probably going insane on the inside). I know what it's like to want to have your needs met during a tumutuous time like this. You're scared, confused, angry- and it sucks not to have a partner than can step up for you. Just make sure to look after yourself first, and don't focus on reconciliation with him. Hugs girl- you're going through a lot, I feel your pain. Thank you so much for your reply, D-Lish. I read your story and I was so hoping you would reply as I'm sure we both know this pain all too well. I agree... and honestly your absolutely right. I have done EVERYTHING in my power not to push him... I go days and days without any contact. I actually didn't think these "talk sessions" were at all healthy for me... he is the one that pushed them and insisted "it would be good for him"... I truthfuly believe he will not be "ready" until he holds them in his arms for the first time... Thanks again for your reply!
D-Lish Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Thank you so much for your reply, D-Lish. I read your story and I was so hoping you would reply as I'm sure we both know this pain all too well. I agree... and honestly your absolutely right. I have done EVERYTHING in my power not to push him... I go days and days without any contact. I actually didn't think these "talk sessions" were at all healthy for me... he is the one that pushed them and insisted "it would be good for him"... I truthfuly believe he will not be "ready" until he holds them in his arms for the first time... Thanks again for your reply! And maybe that will be the defining moment for him PC, it's hard to say- he seems to be making the effort. One thing I can tell you is that if he does have attachment issues, he's making leaps and bounds by simply reaching out in any form. It's easy to feel anger because hey, you need a lot of support right now, and a coffee here and there doesn't actually count as support when you're facing what you are. Just the fact that you are willing to go through this alone regardless of whether or not he's okay with being a part of your life shows how much strength you have. That's pretty amazing. At some point, as your pregnancy progresses, it's going to get to the point where the child you are bringing into the world is simply going to supercede the issues the two of you have, and both of you will have to embrace that reality and overcome whatever you need to in order to be parents together. Just the fact that you are choosing to embark on this regardless of the outcome between you and him shows how strong you are- and you should be proud of yourself for that.
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