HeartOnSleeve Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Still dating the same guy from my last few posts. He's the guy with the super stressful job. I've been backing off and we just turned things down a notch. He leaves for a month long trip (that is going to be horribly demanding and stressful) by the end of this week. Since I know he is stressed to the max with everything in his life I've just been "being there" for him and not reacting to things if he seems to be taking stuff out on me, which he has. Not in a direct mean way but just pushing me away manly. So yesterday, becuase of stuff that had happend the night before he apologized and I said I understood and asked if I would get to say goodbye. He replied again with another "I'm sorry" in his message. So things were ok, then I got another message from him today (note we can't always talk on the phone due to his job...so unfortunatly there is a lot of texting)....Then today he messaged me saying he had gotten some more stressful news. I replied like ussual...compassionate and understanding; saying if he needed anything to let me know. Again, he replied just now with "I've been such a dick to you. I'm sorry". That was it....I appreciate it and don't know where it's coming from or really how to respond. Do I just say thank you. He's not the type to apologize that's for sure. Is he just feeling guilty, or trying to make me see that he's not been a good guy and I just just go away? Men and I'm sorry are just foreign to me...lol.
daphne Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 LOL. Yeah, they're not very prone to apologizing. It does seem like a miracle when they do. I really don't know how I'd respond to that text, but I would appreciate his recognition of how he's behaved. On the one hand, you want him to know you appreciate his consideration for your feelings. On the other, you don't want to just smile it away as a green light for more. Sorry. I am stumped on how to respond.
Author HeartOnSleeve Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 Hahaha...thanks for trying Daphne yeah I am totally taken back by the last one. I guess I just never wanted to stress him out more so the more he pushed back the quiet"er" I got and just kind of tried to be as easy going and helpful as possible. I've done research on what he's going through and I guess I just made myself be ok with it. I know the way he treated me was not the real him. The real "him" is sweet, smart, fun, and carefree. Not this ball of stress ready to explode. Hmmmm....this should be interesting
daphne Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 You seem like a pretty selfless and considerate person. That makes you a great catch. I have a pretty stressful job, and I know the last thing I want is someone pushing for time that I may not have at a particular moment. I would love it I had more time, but it's the cyclical nature of my industry. And I like being gainfully employed in this economy. I hope he appreciates your good attitude. And when times are better, he makes it up to you!!! :bunny:
johan Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 There are "I'm sorry's" that come from guilt, which is what his sound like. The kind of anxious, empty ones that imply he thinks he is jerking you around. Then there are the ones that come from reality, like "I'm sorry, I hate it that we have to be apart like this, but this is how it's going to be for a while, I hope you'll hang in there and let me make it up to you." That kind needs to only be said once. He needs to tell you that one, and then let it go and hope for the best. You do seem to be nice about it all, and understanding of the situation. Which means his apologies are hardly even necessary. It's not like he was hiding his career from you. Most people are pretty aware of what it entails.
Nexus One Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Not sure what to say to his "I'm Sorry's"... It depends on the motives for his apologies and his patterns. If this is the only time he's been stressed out and lashed out at you, but he has self-reflected on his behavior and is genuinely sorry for it, then you could say: "It's ok, don't worry about it Joe." But if he continuously shows a pattern of using you to channel his stress and frustration, then the relationship is emotionally abusive and then his sorry's are merely his way to quickly patch things up before lashing out again. In that case you should perhaps ignore his apologies or tell him that "sorry" isn't going to cut it anymore.
betterdeal Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 I appreciate the apologies, but I'm not sure what to think about us as a couple. I realise you have a stressful job at the moment, but I am looking for some fun / chilling / insert your preference here, and I'd appreciate even more seeing more of the gentler side of you than I have recently. If that's not possible, I'm going to call it off.
Author HeartOnSleeve Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 You seem like a pretty selfless and considerate person. That makes you a great catch. I have a pretty stressful job, and I know the last thing I want is someone pushing for time that I may not have at a particular moment. I would love it I had more time, but it's the cyclical nature of my industry. And I like being gainfully employed in this economy. I hope he appreciates your good attitude. And when times are better, he makes it up to you!!! :bunny: Thank you Daphne!!! I am a very generous partner to those I care about and I tend to fall hard and fast I am a business owner so most days I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off and I have the best friends in the world who are so understanding with me. Maybe that's why I know when to back off and not over react with him. There are "I'm sorry's" that come from guilt, which is what his sound like. The kind of anxious, empty ones that imply he thinks he is jerking you around. Then there are the ones that come from reality, like "I'm sorry, I hate it that we have to be apart like this, but this is how it's going to be for a while, I hope you'll hang in there and let me make it up to you." That kind needs to only be said once. He needs to tell you that one, and then let it go and hope for the best. You do seem to be nice about it all, and understanding of the situation. Which means his apologies are hardly even necessary. It's not like he was hiding his career from you. Most people are pretty aware of what it entails. Johan you are correct! I think apologizing for him is very difficult in itself...he's just one those people who hates to admit to failiure or when they hurt someone. So the fact that he apologized 3 times and then he did physically call me last night to see how I was really made me feel a lot better about the situation and that they were not empty "sorrys". I have had my share. It depends on the motives for his apologies and his patterns. If this is the only time he's been stressed out and lashed out at you, but he has self-reflected on his behavior and is genuinely sorry for it, then you could say: "It's ok, don't worry about it Joe." But if he continuously shows a pattern of using you to channel his stress and frustration, then the relationship is emotionally abusive and then his sorry's are merely his way to quickly patch things up before lashing out again. In that case you should perhaps ignore his apologies or tell him that "sorry" isn't going to cut it anymore. Thanks Nexus...I did say to him that I understood for now and that I was a not a "doormat" for his stress, but that at this time I understood and did not want him to worry about upsetting or not being able to give me the attention I know I deserve. The last thing I wanted was to not only have him stressed about his trip and work but then on top of that to worry about how he was making me feel. If a pattern contiues the relationship will not I appreciate the apologies, but I'm not sure what to think about us as a couple. I realise you have a stressful job at the moment, but I am looking for some fun / chilling / insert your preference here, and I'd appreciate even more seeing more of the gentler side of you than I have recently. If that's not possible, I'm going to call it off. This is great Betterdeal...thank you as I wasn't really sure what to say. I ended up saying that I understood he was under a lot of pressure, that I didn't want to add to it and that I only hoped he could accept my support during the tough times and be there when things settled. But that his apology meant a lot to me. What was really nice was that he made the effort to take a break, call me and say he was definalty going to make time to see me before he left.
johan Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Johan you are correct! That's great! What do I win? Is there a prize?
Chocolat Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 I have a slightly different take. An apology that is not accompanied by behavior modification is not a true apology. It's just his way of making sure you are still on the hook. I'd tell him to contact you when/if he can do so without "being such a dick" to you.
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