Can't stay mad at her...

[JUSTrelax]

I met this girl in college and we had been friends all throughout the year. It wasn't until just before summer that I realized how she felt about me...and then we started dating last summer. We were both nervous, we realized that we were jeopardizing our friendship, but we went ahead with it. I'll admit, at first I wasn't that into her, but I fell for her...and i fell HARD. It was the best summer of my life, but then she told me she would be studying abroad for the upcoming quarter, so I wouldn't see her for a few months. We didn't break up...we decided to try to keep it going. We talked constantly through text while she was gone, but I noticed a growing distance (as is the case with most LDRs) and I made the mistake of never really addressing it. We kept talking till the end, but the conversations for shorter and less intimate. I realized that we had probably degenerated into a friendship, and it wasn't until she said "we need to talk" when she was finally back that I realized just how ****ty things were.

 

Despite her initiative, we didn't actually talk for about a month. She would always flake on me, and eventually I just stopped trying. I basically moved on, and when she finally did contact me to seriously talk, I was ready to move on and I didn't take the "official" break up too hard. When we went back to school, I saw her and I knew there was still something there. She gave me a really strong hug and she even asked me to stay the night with her that night, but i said no. Few days later, I find myself making out with her on her bed before class. The reason she broke up with me was because she said she didn't want to be in a relationship...she didn't want the responsibility...she didn't want the commitment. I understood...and I had let it go. But now, obviously we still having something going on. For the next months, we would struggle establishing what exactly our expectations were...and never put a label on our obvious relationship. Around a month ago, though..we had definitely gotten more serious and I would say that we were in love...deep love. But then something happened...she's an incredibly insecure relationships, and one day when I slipped up (I said something derogatory) she didn't hesitate to storm out and leave me. I apologized profusely and I knew she still had strong feelings for me, but that I had hurt her. She eventually forgave me, and we actually felt closer together because we realized just how much we missed each other for the time we were apart. That however, didn't last for long.

 

We had unprotected sex. And there was a huge possibility she was pregnant. She took EC, but there was still a chance it didn't work. I figured it did, but then i noticed she didn't want to hang out with me anymore. She told me she wanted to be with her friends more because she felt them slipping away. I said I understood, and I tried to be cool about it. We had been away on spring break, and when we came back, I only saw her once. A week passed, and then I get a text from her saying she was confused. I knew this was coming. She wanted a break...so I said fine. Finally we talked, and she told me she hadn't had her period yet. I was extremely worried...she broke up with me and told me she would get a pregnancy test. She went to the clinic a week later, and text me saying everything was fine...but it wasn't.

 

I was doing fine...coping with the break up. Obviously it hurt, but I figured...whatever...it had run its course...I saw this coming. She had always been reluctant to have a relationship, and despite our strong feelings, I knew she wouldn't hesitate to end it if she didn't feel it was best for her anymore. A week later, I went to a party at her place because we have many mutual friends and I figured it would be ok. Well...that was a fu#king mistake. Turns out she's already seeing someone else. I'm drunk...i freak out. I don't make a scene while she's there, but when she leaves with HIM, I lost it and her roommates calm me down. The next day, I text her, telling her that I dont' want to talk to her anymore, and we aren't "friends" and to please not contact me. What came next almost killed me.

 

She told me that she had in fact been pregnant...and that she had a medical abortion. She said she was sorry for what happened and hadn't thought of the consequences. That she realized the kind of person she was and that she was the most horrible person I'd ever meet. She said she hadn't felt anything about it until that day, and that she finally cried about it when i confronted her. I didn't know what to do...so again I panicked...and told her to stop being so stubborn. I even told her to be with me and not that rebound piece of crap. But obviously that didn't work...but she agreed to let me go to the follow up exam. So i went with her...It was the worst 3 hours of my life. The medicine didn't work and they had to do the actual physical procedure. After that, I told her she could talk to me about her experience. That day was the first time I had cried in years.

 

I don't want to talk about the merits of abortion...we had both agreed even before we broke up that we were for an abortion. I don't resent her for going through it. That being said, I never thought it would feel like that. That it would have such an impact on me. Apparently there were two fetuses...and the thought just really gets to me. But this isn't about that.

 

What I can't process is that even after having seen her with another guy...so soon after a 10 month relationship. I can't be mad at her. I can't fathom what she went through, knowing she was pregnant and not telling anyone. But the thing is, she's still seeing this guy, and I see them around...like a freaking couple. I know she's dealing with **** right now, but god damn...how much forgiveness am I supposed to give? I know she feels bad...and that people can't always control their actions...but would I be a total ******* if I hated her after all thats happened? Am I allowed to hold some resentment towards her for not having been fully honest with me? I don't know...I still have such strong feelings for her and seeing her with him kills me and I would love to get back with her...but I know i'm healing...I'm getting over it...but still. It just all seems surreal. What do you guys think?