fitandalertbrain Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 My girlfriend and I have been going out for over 10 months. In the past few months she is has started to disrespect me. If I ask her how her day was she just replies fine. If I ask her where she was last night she says that me knowing where she is at every point during the day is not going to happen. I told her that if she did nothing wrong she got nothing to hide. I insisted on asking her where she was and she said that if I continue to ask her she will take the path of no contact with me. How do I cope with this? I mean she is constantly withholding information from me. It is very frustrating and makes me feel sad sometimes. How do I respond to her?
Rinnix Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Perhaps she feels like you are possessive by wanting to know where she is all the time. She wants trust. If your just asking out of curiousity and being sincere, yet she reacts in that fashion, then perhaps shes up to no good. You need to give more details so we can tell you which way it's going.
Author fitandalertbrain Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 What details do you want to know?
Rinnix Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Do you ask her where shes been everyday? Do you trust her? Do you think shes hiding something? Do you keep pressing until you have every detail down? Or do you only ask out of curiousity? Are you sincere when you ask, or does she feel that you are prying info out of her like a cop? You aren't giving us much detail on the relationship, so I can only guess that it is one of the two.
Author fitandalertbrain Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 I dont ask her all the time what she has been upto. I have not asked where she was or what she is doing for a very long time. Generally I ask "Hi How did your day go?" Then she usually replies what she did and where she went but in the last few days she's been avoiding details. Well I called her about 4 times last night and she did not answer. So I was wondering where she was. Im not the one to pry info like a cop. I let her borrow my iphone since she lost hers and I have a GPS software enabled so that I can track where it is in case it gets lost and I found out that last night she was at house just outside of town next to a creek from 6pm to 10pm. I know all her friends and no one lives in that area. Around the time I called, her roommate also called her and she answered her roommates call for about 1.5 minutes. She did not answer my calls even when I called her after 10pm. She does not know I have the GPS tracking and call log info.
Rinnix Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 All I can tell you is to follow your gut. If you feel there is something going on, there likely is. If she is defensive and attempts to shift blame on you then she is indeed hiding something.
Author fitandalertbrain Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 Well, yes thats what my gut tells me. She is involved in highly suspicious activities. Even a few weeks ago I found out she signed up for a dating app on facebook. But anyway, how do I respond when she is hiding something that is obvious and is withholding even harmless stuff like what she had to eat for breakfast? I want to respond in a way that will increase my respect rather than decrease. Because since she is acting so childish it is my job to be an adult here.
Rinnix Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Well, yes thats what my gut tells me. She is involved in highly suspicious activities. Even a few weeks ago I found out she signed up for a dating app on facebook. But anyway, how do I respond when she is hiding something that is obvious and is withholding even harmless stuff like what she had to eat for breakfast? I want to respond in a way that will increase my respect rather than decrease. Because since she is acting so childish it is my job to be an adult here. If I found out my partner signed up for a dating app without me knowing about it, Id be gone in seconds. I don't think it should matter if she's hiding things like what she ate, most the time it isn't really relevant. However, it's worth worrying over the big things. If you can't communicate, is it worth holding onto the relationship? Sit her down and have a chat with her about how your communication within the relationship needs to be improved. I hope things turn up for you.
Author fitandalertbrain Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 Shes the love of my life. With the evidence in front of me it is very difficult for me to avoid the incomprehensible thought that she would be involved in outrageous activities. Every time she had a feeling I was involved in suspicious activities like sending multiple text messages to someone, I took every effort in showing and providing evidence that it was legitimate and not anything cruel. I took care of her emotions and feelings but she has taken no effort in returning back the favor either physically or emotionally. I have had her sit down in the past to have a chat with her about communication and all she says is that other people dont complain and Im the only one complaining. Over lunch with her friends, she asked them if she was a good communicator and they all agreed just to make me look that there is a problem in me instead of her. I have noticed that she communicates really well with her friends. When Im out and about with her, she talks to her friends on the phone and gives precise details of everything but when I ask her she just gives me vague and limited answers and other times withholds info. She blames me for arguing and says "If information is not given to you when you ask anything you say after that will be considered arguing." It is really hurting when she says that and leaves makes me question my own feelings. If I tell her how I feel about it she invalidates it further saying I need to go to a counselor indicating that my feelings and emotions are something normal people wont feel. This is emotional abuse and leaves no marks. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans says "Withholding enables the abuser to dominate her partner while keeping her ideal image intact. Indeed, to reveal a thought would give the enemy the advantage or perhaps subject her to scrutiny. Her ideal image is too fragile a construction to risk such exposure. To respond with interest to his partner would be just as threatening. Such a response would suggest equality, obliterating the abuser's stance of superiority. Without a stance of superiority for protection, the abuser's feelings of powerlessness that must not be felt might be felt."
alethean Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 I have had her sit down in the past to have a chat with her about communication and all she says is that other people dont complain and Im the only one complaining. Over lunch with her friends, she asked them if she was a good communicator and they all agreed just to make me look that there is a problem in me instead of her. What's her point? How she communicates in a friendship does not necessarily mirror how she does so in a relationship. I bet she knows how flawed this argument is as well. I have noticed that she communicates really well with her friends. When Im out and about with her, she talks to her friends on the phone and gives precise details of everything but when I ask her she just gives me vague and limited answers and other times withholds info. She blames me for arguing and says "If information is not given to you when you ask anything you say after that will be considered arguing." It is really hurting when she says that and leaves makes me question my own feelings. If I tell her how I feel about it she invalidates it further saying I need to go to a counselor indicating that my feelings and emotions are something normal people wont feel. This is something to tell her if you have not already, especially the last part. This is emotional abuse and leaves no marks. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans says "Withholding enables the abuser to dominate her partner while keeping her ideal image intact. Indeed, to reveal a thought would give the enemy the advantage or perhaps subject her to scrutiny. Her ideal image is too fragile a construction to risk such exposure. To respond with interest to his partner would be just as threatening. Such a response would suggest equality, obliterating the abuser's stance of superiority. Without a stance of superiority for protection, the abuser's feelings of powerlessness that must not be felt might be felt." How often does she engage in such behavior? And how much are you willing to take? Have you asked her if she's cheating (or whatever unsavory behavior you think she's partaking in)?
Nexus One Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 (edited) I'm in the camp that thinks to trust your SO and don't suspect her/him of cheating, unless you find evidence for it or unless you get significant signs that that is the case. I think in your case there is a sign that something is going on and she damn well knows that you might get the wrong idea when she doesn't explain it. Her threatening you with leaving if you ask any questions about it is not a healthy way to go about things in a relationship. It's emotional blackmail. Here's what I think would happen if I got into such a situation. I'm usually a pretty calm and laid back guy, but there are certain things that make the man come out in me and put someone in their place. I think the situation you're describing is such a situation. In the case of cheating it wouldn't be a very hard decision for me to break up with a girl. The reason for that is that if she cheats, then obviously she turned out to be the wrong girl and I made an error of judgement regarding her. So I'd blame myself for that error of judgement and for wasting my own time with someone that would willfully damage the most important thing in our lives, namely our relationship. Once I get into that "man" mode and put my foot down, then sh*t gets real and I don't bluff. I can completely sever a connection with someone if they push me over a certain threshold. So if I was in your situation and the girl seems to be cheating and would emotionally blackmail me by threatening to leave, then I'd grab some bags for her, tell her to get her sh*t and get the f*ck out. Because you just don't toy with your relationship like that and bring it into such a "danger zone". Such behavior demonstrates the lack of value that she has for the relationship and for you. What she's doing and what you're not seeing is that she's undermining the man in you. She's disrespecting you and the equality principle in your relationship. If it was me she was doing that to, then she'd better not be bluffing, because I'd end it before 60 seconds would have passed. In your case I would keep the honor to myself. If push comes to shove, turn the table and keep the honor to yourself. (before she ends it) Edited May 3, 2011 by Nexus One
collegeguy_24 Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 I'm in the camp that thinks to trust your SO and don't suspect her/him of cheating, unless you find evidence for it or unless you get significant signs that that is the case. I think in your case there is a sign that something is going on and she damn well knows that you might get the wrong idea when she doesn't explain it. Her threatening you with leaving if you ask any questions about it is not a healthy way to go about things in a relationship. It's emotional blackmail. Here's what I think would happen if I got into such a situation. I'm usually a pretty calm and laid back guy, but there are certain things that make the man come out in me and put someone in their place. I think the situation you're describing is such a situation. In the case of cheating it wouldn't be a very hard decision for me to break up with a girl. The reason for that is that if she cheats, then obviously she turned out to be the wrong girl and I made an error of judgement regarding her. So I'd blame myself for that error of judgement and for wasting my own time with someone that would willfully damage the most important thing in our lives, namely our relationship. Once I get into that "man" mode and put my foot down, then sh*t gets real and I don't bluff. I can completely sever a connection with someone if they push me over a certain threshold. So if I was in your situation and the girl seems to be cheating and would emotionally blackmail me by threatening to leave, then I'd grab some bags for her, tell her to get her sh*t and get the f*ck out. Because you just don't toy with your relationship like that and bring it into such a "danger zone". Such behavior demonstrates the lack of value that she has for the relationship and for you. What she's doing and what you're not seeing is that she's undermining the man in you. She's disrespecting you and the equality principle in your relationship. If it was me she was doing that to, then she'd better not be bluffing, because I'd end it before 60 seconds would have passed. In your case I would keep the honor to myself. If push comes to shove, turn the table and keep the honor to yourself. (before she ends it) OP, you need to read the above post, and put yourself in man mode. Its obvious she is hiding something, your GPS confirmed that. what you need to do is follow her, if she goes that that place , follow her but be discreet. If she is cheating, don't confront her then, wait till later that night and dump her rear. Right now, you are a doormat, she has zero respect for you. It is now time to take it back.
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