Someguy1978 Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Apologies to anyone who reads this, this post is likely to be slightly incoherent and may well end without actually having a point. I currently can't sleep due to the fact I have lots of things going on in my head, and various friends have previously assured me that getting them all down somewhere will usually help, since these thoughts are primarily about my ex this seemed liked a suitable place. Some background for the courtesy of compulsive readers i.e. those of you who need to read every single post in a particular forum, so if you do decide to read it you at least have a little context. I am currently 32, and have very recently broken up with my girlfriend of 10 months give or take. Prior to that I had been single for about 3 years (through choice), having broken up with my long term girlfriend of 6 years. In those 3 years I had on and off things, but nothing I would consider a relationship. I ended it on Saturday afternoon in the middle of what was supposed to be a fun filled day in town. I won't go into the reasons I ended it, there are a few, and they are good reasons - Nothing like she was cheating on me or anything though. The issue I have, and I suppose that most people in this situation have, is that I didn't really realise how much I cared for her, and how much we actually did together. I miss a lot of things about her, but I think a lot of it can be chalked up to missing companionship with someone who really understands you. I am a pretty strange guy at times, and finding someone who can be bothered to actually spend the time to "get" me is a miracle. Like I said I had good reasons for ending it, but there were also good reasons why I really miss her. She was a lovely person, kind, caring, made an effort. We had some really nice times, and some pretty bad times. On the whole the nice times outweighed the bad, but the average outweighed the nice. Now that said this isn't a "Should I get back with her" type post, because I am not going to. There are reasons I ended it, and no matter how nice and kind she is, those reasons outweigh that. This is more a "Now W.T.F. do I do?" type post. I think at least half the blame in the breakup is my own, I got very used to being single, and I enjoyed it, which made it hard to transition into a relationship. This in turn frustrated her (rightly so) which frustrated me, which lead to arguments yada yada. Where I am at right now is that I do feel like I am ready for a relationship, I have done the single thing and it's not what I am after any more. However being realistic I am not the best looking guy and I am not overly easy to talk to either, which makes me fairly low on the food chain with regards to finding a partner. I am also not after any "Theres someone out there for everyone" posts, and I am not after sympathy either. I was dealt a dodgy hand in the pulling stakes and I have made peace with that, but I have always managed to muddle through, I am sure I will do this time. So I guess I need to find some kind of boyfriend coach or something. I am a nice guy, generous, never cheated on her - But was always too hung up in my own life and I guess kind of scared to let her in and share it. Maybe an aftereffect of being in a very long term relationship previously which had ended fairly badly. So I suppose my action plan is: 1) I need to learn how to not be single again, despite the fact I am now single again. Maybe I should have done this before getting together with miss ex. 2) I need to try and find a nice woman who for some reason finds me attractive, and who I find attractive. 3) I need to somehow pull her despite my chronic social ineptitude. 4) Try not to f*** it up, because I am pretty sure that even though I ended this relationship, the fact it failed is also (mostly) my own fault. For those of you who read all that, WHY did you read all that, cant see how it makes sense to anyone but me. And surprisingly I do actually feel a little better for telling a lot of people I don't know about stuff they don't care about.
missconfused83 Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 LOL i read the WHOLE thing and think you're just having some early break up blues. when relationships end we start to find faults in ourselves and start thinking that no one on earth will ever understand us the way our ex's did and although its not what you wanna hear i gotta say that YES there is absolutely someone out there who WILL understand you the way she did. you have to be open to finding that person and from what i see you have a plan already in place so just keep working on the things you've listed and dont sweat another relationship for now. when the time is right you'll know it and when you meet that special lady you wont have the same fears and doubts you once did. good luck
Author Someguy1978 Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 Yeah it's almost definitely just post breakup blues - However unlike people perhaps slightly younger than myself where they break up every couple of months, this is only my second in 10 years so it's taking a bit of getting used to It was really more me just organising my thoughts into some kind of pattern so I can get some bloody sleep before I get up for work in 5 hours after 11 days off Despite my somewhat intimidating machismo, and knee trembling manliness I am actually a hugely emotional person - I just don't permit people who actually exist to see that. By exist I obviously mean I will ever meet at some point, I don't think you are a creation born from the internet itself or Skynet or something. Thanks for the kind words anyway
coltsfan1 Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 skynet- I am 31 and trying to put it together myself but we both are still young and there are many young ladies in their late 20's and early 30's who we will meet. I use to never get hit on now it happens almost every time I go out. you WILL get your mojo back, I thought I was lost but it took 9 solid months and to many conversations to count for me to get back on track! you will to just post, read and talk it out with your close friends.
Author Someguy1978 Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 (edited) Further rambling, this afternoon brought to you my iPhone in work, so may be slightly less eloquent. As before this will probably be pointless for anyone other than myself to read. I have realised that I am scared. I am scared because I am seeing lots of flaws with myself, and am struggling with the (likely untrue) thought that miss ex is the only person who would accept me for who I am. I touched on this above, but the things I see in myself are as follows: 1) Too fat. Self explanatory. Lost a load of weight last year, put it all back on again while I was with miss ex. Can lose it again and more, will take time but that's fine. 2) I am very unsociable. I can get around this by going out with people who are, once I've had a couple of beers I am awesome. Not too many though or I am a tool. 3) I am horrendously insecure, which means I would rather wrestle sharktopus than think about chatting someone up. Difficult one, because girls instantly know if you aren't confident and that is generally a turn off so can't even fake it. Not sure why, never had this issue when I was younger. Need to sort this out ASAP get a self help tape or something lol. 4) It turns out I am actually quite selfish, which I never thought I was. Just make an effort not to be I suppose! 5) Male pattern baldness. Fairly common for people in their 30's. Not much I can do about it so have been rocking the skinhead look for the past few years. 6) Not very attractive. Not helped by 1 & 6. Again not much can be done, just make the most of what I have I guess, start a skin care routine or something. 7) Socially awkward and a bit of a geek. Yet am also a talented bassist with an epic cd from my last band. Geeky and awesome band cancel each other out. I think my social awkwardness is part of a larger problem. The aforementioned problem is that I think a lot of things are pointless. I don't really talk or say anything unless I think it's something that is actually worth saying. That makes the initial small talk stage of chatting up very hard, since I find small talk pointless and as such it comes across as forced. Not sure what to do aboit this, practice with a mirror? Buy a book? Edited May 3, 2011 by Someguy1978
Author Someguy1978 Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 Just a quick word on the unattractive thing... Just realised I may seem hung up on how I look, that's not the case. I am 32 now and am comfortable with myself. It is just a proven fact that 95% of women don't find me attractive. I am fine with that it just makes pulling difficult when you don't know who those 5% are.
LostMyHeart Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Someguy - perhaps figuring out why you were scared to let her in and share it would be a good place to start. I say that because, no matter what you look like, confidence shows. If you are truly ready for a relationship and do not want to be single again....you have to start by allowing people in. You remind me a lot of a guy that I was seeing...by your posts, some similarities...and he had no idea how amazing he was....at least to me. He understood me, I understood him....but it ended badly. A lot of the same reasons you state, he couldn't let me in. Frustrating, especially when there are so many feelings caught up in it. So, attraction is not just physical, it's in the actions of how you treat someone you want to be with. If a woman is worth it, she will see those actions as good things she wants in her life. Relationships are not just about having a companion, sex or need, those things are easy to come by...they are at a much higher level that is both emotional and cognitive. Those are the things that I miss about my ex...that bond. The bond is a relationship...the ability to bond is the attraction.
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