it's a rollercoaster

[SoUtterlyConfused]

Ok so, here is my story:

I have been dating this guy for about 3 years. The first year was the hardest, we fought constantly and had many problems from before we even started dating that kept coming up. (we knew each other for 4 years before we even dated and had a horrible love triangle with another girl -who was supposedly my bff-) anyways... after the first year or so... we moved past it all and got so much better.

Then things got rocky again.. many little things kept happening. And we broke up many times. We kept going on and off. I honestly, can't remember how many times we broke up.

Then our last break up was about 6 months ago. I... in a moment of weekness visited an old-ex and he hit on me. Even though I didn't act on this and ran out of the house as soon as it happened, I still felt horrible and stupid for even putting myself in this position. I told him what happened and all the stress from it.. caused us to break up. Unfortunately, after we broke up he took an internship at a job 2 1/2 hours away from home and was already committed once we got back together 3 months later. I obviously couldnt make him back out of it and it is a good experience for him.

I'm not a horrible person.. I never expected myself of all people to ever cheat or even put myself in the position to cheat, but something horrible came over me. I think it may be my insecurities about myself and the need to feel loved. And I guess I didnt feel loved enough and I made a stupid mistake again. This time over the internet... I didnt show anything or do anything. Just a little flirting. but in my book that even counts as cheating. Trust me, I loose sleep and get sick all the time because of it. I am a dedicated Christian and have prayed and asked for forgiveness and everything.

I told my boyfriend what had happened and we are still working through it... it's somewhat recent.

 

It's so sad because I want to marry him and spend my life with him and he does also... but in a little corner of my mind I think maybe it's not right. He doesnt deserve all of this... I mean he isnt perfect. He has done some uncalled for things that have caused huge problems also. In the end I think, we have been through so much. Not just sad things but also great and amazing things together.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please help me to maybe sort out all of my thoughts or give me your views on this. Because I am SoUtterlyConfused:mad:

[ramathorne]

If you weren't feeling loved, tell him! Tell him why you flirted! If he truly loves you then he will spring into action so that you don't feel that way!