bentnotbroken Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 What everybody says here doesn't bother me. I know our relationship, and I am secure in it. I am bothered, however, by everybody that can't accept that I could be right about my own relationship. What is there to accept? We aren't part of your life and the opinions of random people on the internet mean what to a person who you are certain of in real life? Could it be that you people youj love and know you don't accept your "true" love either? If not, who gives a damn what strangers believe?
26pointblue Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 As expected, the negative reply comes from someone with an EX mm. It's easy to believe that if the stereotype happened to you, then it is 'true' and will be true for everyone else. There ARE many lying, cheating *******s out there who are just using someone for sex, but there ARE also genuine people who genuinely love each other. My MM did not want to hurt either of us. He did not have the guts at first to leave her, or leave me. Yep, it's selfish and yep, it's weak, but it's also human. He told me the truth - he was physically faithful to me. Their marriage *was* troubled. But familiarity is a very strong pull, and it is easy to SAY just leave your marriage, and another thing to hurt someone you still care about and walk away into the unknown. My MM DID LEAVE. YES, SOME LEAVE. We HAD a happy ending, however hard it was. He mourned his marriage, he still cares for his ex wife, those things don't disappear, OW around or not. But we do GENUINELY love each other, and have put work and effort and love into building our r/ship post affair. We have a darling baby, and hopefully things will continue to work out. My partner is a wonderful person who made some mistakes, out of fear, some selfishness, and some weakness. That doesn't equate to ALWAYS being selfish and weak, an action is not a personality. Good people do stupid things, and anyone who thinks otherwise is just naive. So yes, don't believe the stereotypes are a given, just believe that they ARE common and many affairs DO end in tragedy, for all involved. Just like any r/ship, some work out, some don't. I guess I don't get you b/c you just posted that while your affair 'worked out', you wouldn't recommend it & it was hard. Yet when people try to give this rainbows&puppies OW a dose of reality you discount our opinions because we have EX mms. Look I specifically said it's not that it never works out, it's that it RARELY works out, & when it does, it may be more trouble than it's worth. Maybe we all deserve better. I am fighting with my head over what I know I deserve [a full-time relationship, without a lot of drama & pain to achieve it] & with my heart over my love for my xMM. Love is NOT always the answer. Someone can love someone abusive, an alcoholic, a drug addict, someone who stays married . . . & that doesn't mean they really love themselves or can ever get what they want out of that relationship. So for you to discount the opinions of us OWs who have BTDT, who have believed in love & in our men only to wind up without them, is just encouraging Daisy to turn a blind eye to the very real possibility that she will end up hurt like us, rather than happy but with pain along the way [i guess is what you were trying to say in your own thread . . I don't mean to mischaracterize your sentiments but that's how it came across to me] like you. I am just trying to help her but if she thinks I'm trying to poop on her I will gladly get off her thread & leave her to her own fantasy world. Because she does NOT want to see the reality as eve you, Anna, portray it. And so why waste my breath trying to help when all she wants to do is bask in her bubble? Bye Daisy & I really do hope it works out for you but please at least go look at Anna's thread because it will show with an affair does come pain & heartache even if it does end working out. And I really think we women deserve better than pain & heartache. If you only want cheerleaders in an affair Daisy, you're right, I am not the one to be commenting on this thread. Because I just see gloom & doom ahead one way or the other. Just my honest oponion but good luck to you.
whichwayisup Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 What is there to accept? We aren't part of your life and the opinions of random people on the internet mean what to a person who you are certain of in real life? Could it be that you people youj love and know you don't accept your "true" love either? If not, who gives a damn what strangers believe? Exactly. Why do you need anybody's approval or acceptance of your choices? At the end of the day it doesn't matter what anybody on here thinks..It's your life and you're the one accountable for making your own decisions and choices.
SoleMate Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Daisylove, I wonder if it might be helpful for you to consider WHY you felt the need to come on this forum to post about how great your r/s is. Any chance you're trying to drown out the little voices in your head that are telling you to be careful? IME, I have only felt the need to post about my relationship when it's troubled. When I am in a happy r/s, it frankly have nothing to say that wouldn't be nauseating to others!! You can have love with a single man every bit as much as you can with someone else's MM. Actually much more, really. It's true, as 26pointblue said, we at LS see again and again the toll taken by affairs, primarily on....guess who.....wives and other women! The W may not be able to prevent an A....but the potential OW certainly can. We should always err on the side of discouraging affairs and encouraging r/s with single, available people. I believe in TRUE LOVE that does not depend on lies, sneaking or hurting other people.
26pointblue Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Funny thing,I am sure that I would have been ALOT worse off had I wound up with my xMM and am relieved that he didn't leave her now that i am out of his grips.IHis hook and pity ploys were all lies.But I DO understand being unhappily married and willing to DO something about it besides cheat and betray those who trust me with thier lives just to get thier sexual needs met outside thier marriage.When you realize that 60% of MM cheat,and most don't EVER leave thier wives,you have to admit there are ALOT of very unhappy OW's out there and I have known ALOT via forums! I hate to say,I have read thousands more negative stories about affairs than positive ones.Glad yours worked out for you....obviously it's not black or white. But guess what? I thankfully am with man who I don't share with another woman and it's a MAJOR difference to my emotional well being! Just wishing that for the OP....sorry to care more than she does about herself. One last thing. Heart On I just wanted to say that your posts have helped me. I don't think you sound bitter, but wise & just trying to help. Those who have had their MMs leave for them have never experienced this utter pain that we OWs whose MMs have stayed married feel. And yes we are the majority! Yes SOMETIMES [Anna] they do leave for us [& I am seriously starting to think we are better off if they don't!] & we all want to be the exception but let's face it we're usually the rule. So I think we OWs with the normal 'negative' experience of having MMs who stay married have a valid place here on the OW forum & are just trying to help & receive help. I know I sure am. So thank you Heart On for sharing your experience. I for one appreciate it. :-)
Gentlegirl Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 I believe in Love. I believe what the Bible says about love, although not surre I should mention that here. It comes from Corinthians... says that love is kind, and good. That is the kind of love I believe in. The addiction kind of love is greedy, selfish and untrue. BB said we are all trying to give you sound advice based on our experiences. No matter which other woman site you visit... the stories will be similar. Affairs will normally end with the OW or OM being dumped and devestated. What you do with the wealth of experience here is up toyou. I will continue to take interest in your posts. Whatever you do, Best wishes for you, Gentlegilr
OWoman Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Because you are not in the same City as him, in all honesty, you don't know what goes on when he isn't with you. With all due respect, WW, I was told exactly the same! I was told that I was being foolish to believe a "known liar" (he was having an A, therefor he must be a known liar ) especially when he lived thousands of miles from me and was quite happily treating his BW to champagne breakfasts and romantic dinners, exotic holidays and expensive presents and discussing the future with her in glowing romantic terms. I was also told I was a mere plaything on the side, that she was and would always be his priority, that he would never leave since three years into the A he hadn't yet left... All of those standard responses were rolled right out for me, too, and I was called foolish and naive for choosing not to believe the cookie-cutter advice of strangers on an internet forum and choosing instead to believe the sincere words of the man who loved me. Even when he did leave his xW, D her and move on there was still the chorus telling me it would never work, never last, that he'd no doubt go back to her and that sooner or later he'd cheat on me, too... No matter what happens, some people are simply never going to acknowledge that sometimes things can and do work out well for the MM and the OW, and that they aren't terrible even if they do, and that sometimes everyone concerned (well, with the potential exception of the xW, whose opinion no one has sought or tested, but I'm sure she's no more unhappy than she was before, and possibly less unhappy) really does think it was very much for the better and there are no regrets on any front. That said, there are no guarantees, just as there are no guarantees with any other kind of R. Some work out, others don't. But nobody dates thinking that if this guy doesn't propose within a couple of months, they're just another lying scumbag... Most people date because they enjoy the other person's company (or their body, or whatever) and wait to see what happens as things unfold, staying while it's good and leaving when it's no longer good. Why should an A be any different? If you're getting what you want from it *now* and enjoying it, why not relish that (and yes, celebrate it here if you feel so inclined - this is the OW forum after all) for as long as you continue to enjoy it? If you no longer enjoy it - either because you want "more" and "more" is not forthcoming, or because being an OW conflicts with your personal values, or because circumstances make things difficult for you to enjoy it - then leave. You always have options - you're not manacled by a piece of paper to anyone, your life is your own. Like any other R - if things don't work for you, don't stick around. Daisy, I hope things do work out for you as you want them to, and I'm sure you're smart enough to know that there are no guarantees with any R, including this one. But while it's working for you, enjoy it!
Heart On Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 One last thing. Heart On I just wanted to say that your posts have helped me. I don't think you sound bitter, but wise & just trying to help. Those who have had their MMs leave for them have never experienced this utter pain that we OWs whose MMs have stayed married feel. And yes we are the majority! Yes SOMETIMES [Anna] they do leave for us [& I am seriously starting to think we are better off if they don't!] & we all want to be the exception but let's face it we're usually the rule. So I think we OWs with the normal 'negative' experience of having MMs who stay married have a valid place here on the OW forum & are just trying to help & receive help. I know I sure am. So thank you Heart On for sharing your experience. I for one appreciate it. :-) Thank you and you are WELCOME!!! I do know I can come off very assertively and my honesty does get me in trouble at times...but it ALL comes from my heart and my hope for women to learn to NOT settle for crumbs from ANY MM who isn't entitled to two women loving him!!!!! If thier marriages are SO damn BAD.....Sh*t or get off the pot! I had NO problem leaving mine because it WAS that damn bad! Daisylove:If you are HAPPY and in LOVE and SECURE..............great. But don't assume that because some of us were played hard by a-hole MM that we don't BELIEVE in love.I just don't BELIEVE MARRIED MEN'S LIES anymore. As for how I feel about LOVE,it's the extreme opposite for me!!!!!!!!!! LOVE is EVERYTHING to me and that hasn't changed since I wised up and walked far far away from anyone that could intentionally hurt me and his own wife the way he did....all for nothing but sex.It was HIS damn loss that he couldn't connect emotionally to ANYONE or anything. Some men ONLY know how to FEEL with thier hands, I learned the hard way. I believed in it and him and us so damn much....it was and remains my lifes most SHOCKING and HUMILATING experiences that he never meant a word he said.That NONE of his actions matched his words! That he felt entitled to having his cake and eating it too as long as I was willing to accomodate his insanity and as long as he didn't get caught by his wife! I REFUSE to consider what I went thru as LOVE as it was nothing short of hell thanks to him and his games,gaslighting,and Narcissism. I also refuse to allow that "man" to define my entire belief system about LOVE considering the reality that he was devoid of Empathy and couldn't LOVE anyone with any amount of respect or care. It was ALL about him and in the end,what I fell in love with was his MASK! Gaining wisdom and not being willing to settle for anything less than a LEGITIMATE above board relationship with an available man does not make for a jaded person...it makes for a HEALTHIER one. I wish that for you Daisylove. What everybody says here doesn't bother me. I know our relationship, and I am secure in it. I am bothered, however, by everybody that can't accept that I could be right about my own relationship. From the threads you have started it seems you are here trying to convince yourself that it's enough.I would assume you have ALOT of time on your hands while he is with his family/wife, to wonder and doubt and you seem to need this place as filler. Think about not needing it at all because your man isn't elsewhere 90% of the time,but living life WITH you at his side. At some point,we ALL thought it was enough and that we felt secure and that we were "right" about our own relationships.But the SECOND you want more from him is the second he either man's up or throw's you under the bus. Loving myself again changed everything for me. It's hard to see the forest thru the tree's when you are smack dab in the middle of the darkness of denial. I have had MM come onto me since the xMM and all I can think is.... GO ASK YOU WIFE IF IT'S OK FOR YOU TO SCREW HER OVER FOR ME!~ I don't hate love...I hate how people use it to manipulate others lives.
reboot Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 IME, I have only felt the need to post about my relationship when it's troubled. When I am in a happy r/s, it frankly have nothing to say that wouldn't be nauseating to others!! So many people here just don't want to acknowledge the simple truth in this quote.
greengoddess Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 With all due respect, WW, I was told exactly the same! I was told that I was being foolish to believe a "known liar" (he was having an A, therefor he must be a known liar ) especially when he lived thousands of miles from me and was quite happily treating his BW to champagne breakfasts and romantic dinners, exotic holidays and expensive presents and discussing the future with her in glowing romantic terms. I was also told I was a mere plaything on the side, that she was and would always be his priority, that he would never leave since three years into the A he hadn't yet left... All of those standard responses were rolled right out for me, too, and I was called foolish and naive for choosing not to believe the cookie-cutter advice of strangers on an internet forum and choosing instead to believe the sincere words of the man who loved me. Even when he did leave his xW, D her and move on there was still the chorus telling me it would never work, never last, that he'd no doubt go back to her and that sooner or later he'd cheat on me, too... No matter what happens, some people are simply never going to acknowledge that sometimes things can and do work out well for the MM and the OW, and that they aren't terrible even if they do, and that sometimes everyone concerned (well, with the potential exception of the xW, whose opinion no one has sought or tested, but I'm sure she's no more unhappy than she was before, and possibly less unhappy) really does think it was very much for the better and there are no regrets on any front. That said, there are no guarantees, just as there are no guarantees with any other kind of R. Some work out, others don't. But nobody dates thinking that if this guy doesn't propose within a couple of months, they're just another lying scumbag... Most people date because they enjoy the other person's company (or their body, or whatever) and wait to see what happens as things unfold, staying while it's good and leaving when it's no longer good. Why should an A be any different? If you're getting what you want from it *now* and enjoying it, why not relish that (and yes, celebrate it here if you feel so inclined - this is the OW forum after all) for as long as you continue to enjoy it? If you no longer enjoy it - either because you want "more" and "more" is not forthcoming, or because being an OW conflicts with your personal values, or because circumstances make things difficult for you to enjoy it - then leave. You always have options - you're not manacled by a piece of paper to anyone, your life is your own. Like any other R - if things don't work for you, don't stick around. Daisy, I hope things do work out for you as you want them to, and I'm sure you're smart enough to know that there are no guarantees with any R, including this one. But while it's working for you, enjoy it! You are FAR from the naive, happy thing that daisy love is. You had more than enough experience with many married men. There is no comparison. Daisy love sounds youn and in love and very naive. This is the type of person that gets the best years of their lives stolen from them by the married man. Daisy love is the type of ow that my heart breaks for becuase we can all see the eventual heartbreak and wasted life to come. Soon she will be 10 years into the affair, much older, childless and heartbroken. Daisy love is who I like to come on here to try to protect not cheer on and tell to celebrate her affair. I'm sorry but that is doing a diservice to her. So so sad. There may be no guarentees with any relationship but most relationships at least have a chance to move on to the next step not lay stagnant in limbo while the married men "plans" his supposed exit from the marriage. I can't even imagine being with a man and supposedly waiting while he plans how to give his wife the financial shaft. That's who you want to be with daisy? That's your future? Someone who cheats on their wife and then plans and plans how to screw them over even more before dumping them? That's your true love?
JamieA Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Thanks for the chuckle, Bent!! I wasn't going to comment. I'll probably get in trouble for doing so, but whatever. Frankly, I think she may be a banned member reincarnated, but whatever. There have been members who have the same mindset as I do, and they have been accused of being me, so maybe I'm off-base here, and Daisy is really real. However, her posts remind me of that other member, albeit maybe a bit more immature. I didn't really care if she was happy in her affair. It didn't affect my life in any way. What bothered me about her was the fact that she often would encourage others to stay in affairs, when they obviously were hurting, and hurting others in the process. I never could figure that out. It seemed as if losing one of the club somehow was a threat to the club overall. It was sort of mindboggling, and spoke to an agenda, IMO. Thankfully, this place is not a place that consistently cheerleads affairs. If you need cheerleading, you might want to think about why that is. If you want to celebrate your "love" for a married man that lives a long distance away and is not readily available to you, fine. But don't expect the majority of this place to celebrate along with you. So says another ROW (Remorseful Other Woman)!
Irishlove Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Its a nice post to remember the love. My MM showed me that. I have never had that type of love. I never felt true love. Love from children is different. Hopefully my MM is divorcing. His papers are in. Mine are in as of today and go before a judge in June. Getting back on subject the love is grand and special and its nice when it is happening.
CALOVELY Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 If you want to know exactly just how much your MM loves you, get pregnant.
herenow Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 If you want to know exactly just how much your MM loves you, get pregnant. Or, just say you are pregnant. At least that way more innocent people aren't hurt.
whichwayisup Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 If you want to know exactly just how much your MM loves you, get pregnant. Don't give her ideas!
herenow Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Don't give her ideas! Reminds me of this: http://www.youtube.com/user/moonlocks#p/a/u/2/_2P2_yyqY38
Hazyhead Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 A Lovely post Gentlegirl. I believe in Love. I believe what the Bible says about love, although not surre I should mention that here. It comes from Corinthians... says that love is kind, and good. That is the kind of love I believe in. The addiction kind of love is greedy, selfish and untrue. BB said we are all trying to give you sound advice based on our experiences. No matter which other woman site you visit... the stories will be similar. Affairs will normally end with the OW or OM being dumped and devestated. What you do with the wealth of experience here is up toyou. I will continue to take interest in your posts. Whatever you do, Best wishes for you, Gentlegilr
Author daisy love Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 Or, just say you are pregnant. At least that way more innocent people aren't hurt. Why would I lie to the man I love?
herenow Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Why would I lie to the man I love? Oh right, I forgot, he never lies to you. My apologies.
CALOVELY Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Oh right, I forgot, he never lies to you. My apologies. This whole thing is terrifying. Part of me thinks pass the popcorn and the other part of me thinks hide the rabbits. Yikes.
Rose1977 Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Why would I lie to the man I love? Daisy , I want to thank you for the best laugh I have had in days. Possibly weeks. Really. There are tears coming out of my eyes right now I am laughing so hard.
BB07 Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 This whole thing is terrifying. Part of me thinks pass the popcorn and the other part of me thinks hide the rabbits. Yikes. :bunny: Good one and oh so true!
LifesontheUp Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Thanks for the chuckle, Bent!! I wasn't going to comment. I'll probably get in trouble for doing so, but iwhatever. Frankly, I think she may be a banned member reincarnated, but whatever. There have been members who have the same mindset as I do, and they have been accused of being me, so maybe I'm off-base here, and Daisy is really real. However, her posts remind me of that other member, albeit maybe a bit more immature. I didn't really care if she was happy in her affair. It didn't affect my life in any way. What bothered me about her was the fact that she often would encourage others to stay in affairs, when they obviously were hurting, and hurting others in the process. I never could figure that out. It seemed as if losing one of the club somehow was a threat to the club overall. It was sort of mindboggling, and spoke to an agenda, IMO. Thankfully, this place is not a place that consistently cheerleads affairs. If you need cheerleading, you might want to think about why that is. If you want to celebrate your "love" for a married man that lives a long distance away and is not readily available to you, fine. But don't expect the majority of this place to celebrate along with you. Bingo. I don't find it entertaining just very sad.
LilyBart Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 Thankfully, this place is not a place that consistently cheerleads affairs. If you need cheerleading, you might want to think about why that is. If you want to celebrate your "love" for a married man that lives a long distance away and is not readily available to you, fine. But don't expect the majority of this place to celebrate along with you. LOL!!! That's because this place is (theoretically created for OW/OM) is overrun by BSs who love to give "advice" under the guise of a "open forum" and "opinions". Who cares if Daisy wants to celebrate her love? Good for her to be so grounded in her convictions. Should she not end up with her man I'm sure she'll deal with it. In the meantime, I see no point in raining on her parade.
Recommended Posts