ready to break NC

[fleur_de_me]

OK- I've posted on here about my situation several times, but I've been thinking a lot lately about breaking NC.

 

The ex and I broke up last summer a few weeks before I was moving away to start grad school. I thought we were going to make things work, that's what we'd talked about for months, so the break-up was a shock to me, especially since our relationship was pretty amazing, no cheating, no arguing, great compatibility and chemistry.

 

Anyway- I was really destroyed by this break-up, went NC for a few months but saw him in October. He took off of work to be with me, I didn't let him hook up with me, he acted weird and then I got super sick when I was at his place. Things ended awkwardly and we went NC again after that.

 

He emailed me once in February and once in March- I ignored both of these emails trying to stay NC. They were mostly breadcrumbs- "How are you?" "I'm so sorry I hurt you."

 

I've been thinking a lot lately about him because I will be back in NY (where he lives) for the summer for a few months. We still have mutual friends and I feel like it is likely we will see each other at some point.

 

I don't think I have hopes for us getting back together, but I honestly feel like I would be more at peace in my life if we at least had contact again. There weren't any bad feelings between us except I was hurt and then became resentful because it didn't make sense to me. I think I might actually feel better if we could talk and hang out on occasion, especially since I'll be in town.

 

So, should I drop a quick email to him now (hey- been meaning to get back to you, hope all is well, blah blah) or just wait until I'm in town and try to arrange a face-to-face?

 

I do miss him still, but I've also finally accepted the end of this relationship. But he's someone I cared for deeply who also cared for me, and it seems a waste to completely cut him out of my life forever.

 

Thoughts?

[iceweasel6]

I read your post, and it seems like something is missing. I can't quite put my finger on it. Your message isn't completely clear. If you went NC, stay NC, especially if you don't see a future.

He tried to contact you several times and you ignored him - why would you want to get back in contact with him - because "it seems a waste to completely cut him out of my life forever" - that is what you did with NC for the past year.

 

Like I said something is missing - seems very incongruent.

 

Perhaps you should state what you want - that's always a good start. Then you can deal with why. Then you can decide if it's worth it.

[fleur_de_me]

What would you like me to clarify? I'll do my best to try to fill in whatever missing pieces, I just didn't feel like laying out all of the nitty gritty details if it wasn't necessary.

 

Anyway- it has taken me a long time to cope with this break-up, which is why I didn't respond to his earlier messages. But now that I know that I'm going to be back in town for a few months, I'd like to maybe open that door, especially since there is a possibility that, due to mutual friends we share, I will end up seeing him at an event/party during that time.

 

What I want is for things between us to be cool. There's no reason they shouldn't be, I feel like I went NC to try to heal myself but that made things icier between us. I suppose it has helped to some degree, but I also feel like it isn't what I want forever. I've always stayed friends with my exes, although this is the first time I've been through such a painful break-up.

 

I just feel like I would actually cope better at this point if we had contact. Not hanging out all of the time and hooking up, but able to talk and be in the same place and have everything OK. That would be much more peaceful to my life. I don't think that's super unreasonable. NC feels like I'm still holding onto anger or something, which I'm not. It feels unnatural. I've done it for months but I'm ready to be finished- I feel like maintaining some contact and being cool is actually the next step for me, that this will someone give me greater control over my feelings and life.

[Doodled]

Hi, I might be able to help by explaining a current situation with my latest ex.

 

First off, I never go back with any woman that dumps me. I just don't do second chances. It's a personal philosophy of mine. Having said that, getting dumped still hurts and it takes me time to get over a relationship.

 

In the past I've always cut off my exes after a breakup. Gone NC simply to heal and move on. However, my current situation has made me rethink NC altogether.

 

We had a short 2 month relationship. Very hot and heavy, ended abruptly for some unknown reason. A variation of "it's not you, it's me" is what she gave me. So, like all the others I went NC from the night she broke it off but there was a twist. This time around I was forced to go limited contact because of seeing each other at school regularly (same class type of situation).

 

This made her harder to get over and it ended up taking about 3 months before I fully moved on. Throughout those three months she continued regular weekly contact with me either in person or by phone. Recently though, after I decided I was over her we began to actually hang out.

 

At first she was giving every sign in the book she wanted me to make a move on her, short of telling me. Of course I don't go back (she docent even know this) so I just continued having a really fun and light hearted platonic relationship with her. This has continued over the last month and I'm pretty sure we both consider each other good friends now. We talk about deep things and laugh and hang out on a weekly basis.

 

I never thought of this being possible with an ex but it seems to be fine. I even hooked up with another chick recently and it didn't strain things between us at all. I just hope I'm not leading her on like we hear about with exes on here all the time. But she's the type that would say something eventually. We are still early in this new platonic relationship but I really enjoy it. More so then when we were romantic. We still flirt constantly (I think that's just do to natural chemistry) but we never go beyond that. None of the stress of a romantic relationship but most of the benifits.

 

The reason I'm saying all this is because I honestly think once your over an ex you can be friends. I never thought this before but then again I never even tried. My biggest asset though is my personal policy of never go back. Without that I pro ably couldn't handle it. So, as long as you are as over him as you can get and dont expect anything more then a platonic relationship I believe NC can be retired.

 

Hope this helps

[fleur_de_me]

Thanks for sharing your story, Doodle!

 

I think you're right- you have to know that you won't go back with that person. Although I think we were an amazing fit, the ex also had a LOT of emotional issues that I think eventually caused the break-up. I would certainly never get back with him unless he took care of those issues, so for all intents and purposes, there is no going back to him.

 

But he's a wonderful person who always treated me with kindness, love and respect. We shared an amazing life together for a while, and even though that is over, he is someone who I miss having in my life as a friend. Like I said, I've always kept in touch with my exes (never any dramatic break-ups, even in relationships that were longer than this).

 

So do you think I can send him a quick email now (since he sent me two that I didn't respond to?), or is it better to wait a few weeks until I'm back in town and be like- hey, I'm in town, want to grab some coffee?

[Doodled]

Thanks for sharing your story, Doodle!

 

I think you're right- you have to know that you won't go back with that person. Although I think we were an amazing fit, the ex also had a LOT of emotional issues that I think eventually caused the break-up. I would certainly never get back with him unless he took care of those issues, so for all intents and purposes, there is no going back to him.

 

But he's a wonderful person who always treated me with kindness, love and respect. We shared an amazing life together for a while, and even though that is over, he is someone who I miss having in my life as a friend. Like I said, I've always kept in touch with my exes (never any dramatic break-ups, even in relationships that were longer than this).

 

So do you think I can send him a quick email now (since he sent me two that I didn't respond to?), or is it better to wait a few weeks until I'm back in town and be like- hey, I'm in town, want to grab some coffee?

 

 

Wow, same exact situation with this last ex. Has a lot of emotional sketatons in the closet and couldn't handle a relationship (she hasn't dated since we broke up either, according to her without me even asking) even if we both admitted we have a very strong connection. Also a wonderful and fun person.

 

But yeah, I think you should look at it from the mindset of a distant friend. No more looking at him like an ex, at least to the most realistic extent. If sending an email ahead of time is something you might do with a guy friend or a girlfriend go for it. He may still reject you as a friend just to keep that in mind. Who knows he may not even be over you. Both parties need to be in the right frame of mind but as long as you don't care anymore about a romantic relationship, then it shouldn't matter as much. Send an email and if you guys can hit it off as friends then great! If you wanna wait that would be fine too. Just make sure you don't secretly/subconciously hope for reconciliation.

 

Let us know how it goes.