JLB Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 My questions are: Did you have to go into NC in order to get WS to straighten out and figure out what they wanted? If you did go into NC...how long did it last before WS came out of fog? If in NC did he/she try to break through the NC and if so, how did you react? No I am not doing research for a book or magazine, ha ha... My situation is that I am in NC for the most part with the Wayward...We don't speak to each other pretty much all week. No emails, no phonecalls, no text nothing. We have 2 children together. They are teenagers so there isn't a whole lot that needs to be discussed during a week. He has the kids on the weekends. I have an apartment of my own. He stays in our home with the kids (only on the weekends). His job takes him out of town during the week. Anyway...this past weekend, we hadn't seen or talked to each other since Easter Sunday. He is pretty good about his own little NC with me. I think the OW has made it clear that he is not to talk or be around me. (although if you read some of my other threads, we did spend Easter together, my idea...for the kids). So he was with our kids all day Saturday, he kept them Saturday night and I didn't hear from any of them. I got off work, and did my own thing Saturday night. Sunday morning I decided to get up early and take my toddler grandson to breakfast, just him and I...My older daughter from a previous marriage, dropped him at my apartment and he and I went to breakfast at a diner by my work about 8:30 am. I wasn't in that diner but maybe 15 minutes when who do you think came walking around our booth and sat down with us?? The Wayward!! and yes he was alone...our kids were not with him. He tells me he was on his "way to the gym" and saw my car in the parking lot and decided to stop in. Sure ya did...My car was facing the street so he couldn't tell it was mine without driving into the parking lot to check the license plate. And...why stop anyway?? We have had many conversations where he has told me that he doesn't think he could ever be faithful to me, that he likes this OW cause there are no expectations, why would I want someone that couldn't be faithful to me blah blah blah. And I said to him back then, "you know what?? You're right...I don't, buh bye" Moved out, got my own place...going on with my life. He honestly had this look on his face like he was gonna catch me with another man having breakfast, and it turned out to be a 19 month old little man!! LOL. I almost had to laugh at him because I think he thought he was busting me...which is ridiculous anyway. I was nice though. He sat down...I asked him if he wanted anything to eat, he helped me with OUR grandson...and he stayed and we had a nice conversation. I like NC with him...because it helps me emotionally. Out of sight, out of mind for me. I am moving on emotionally, maybe this is why I was nice about his "dropping in"...I know that I would like my family back together, but not the way it was. The whole dynamic would have to change for me...and that is a biggie. I don't want him just to settle for me and come back. I want him to want this....so again...if anyone can fill me in on how their NC went...how long (duration)...any tips, do's, dont's, be nice or not? And...most importantly if it ended up in Recovery or not? I realize that this could be the end, I am ready for that now.
Author JLB Posted May 2, 2011 Author Posted May 2, 2011 Oh and here is something else I find funny (glad I can find humor in this)....He is totally stalking my facebook page and has no idea that I know he is doing this. He is using my daughters FB login to peruse my FB. Reason I know this is because my daughter is at school, all day, and yet her facebook chat status shows her ONLINE!! I thought maybe she was logging in at school via her smart phone, but I tried doing that with mine (logging out and then logging into my FB page via my smartphone) and it doesn't work that way. Plus the status stays on the entire time...even IF my daughter was logging in via her phone...she would have to turn her phone off or log off FB for class and her online status continues to show her as online. I remember awhile ago he was doing this same thing, and I updated my FB status just for kicks to say "JLB is now in a relationship!" and he sent me a text within 10 min at midnight while he was on vacation with OW, telling me "congratulations!??" I was only joking anyway...but he was quick to comment. I don't get it, he doesn't want me but would rather stalk me?? what is he getting out of that?
OldOnTheInside Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 (edited) I don't get it, he doesn't want me but would rather stalk me?? what is he getting out of that? Nothing...he just hasn't moved on completely. As for an explaination for his actions... Fear. Jealousy. Insecurity. Shame. Coming out of the affair fog. Perhaps he doesn't want you to move on. Realises what he is going to lose. Maybe it is all of the above. There is no way to read his mind. From what I have read, it does seem like you have handled the separation/split/whatever relatively well. Obviously, he doesn't like that for what ever reason. Since you are going NC, it really shouldn't matter to you. Good luck JLB, glad to know that you are dealing with things as well as you can. Edited May 2, 2011 by OldOnTheInside
Spark1111 Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 I am so proud of you! My H also began to stalk me, but I wasn't as nice as you! Although I never kept him from his kids, ever. I wanted them to have the best relationship possible with their father, no matter what happened between us. I too felt more grounded when he wasn't around! Face it: The WS is the biggest trigger there is! My H too thought I must have a boyfriend, I moved on so fast and so politely. I later learned out his OW was trying to convince him of this, but nope, he never found a shred of evidence that her delusions were even remotely true. I'm an open book, always have been. However, he did start to worry I would find one, just about the time he was growing tired of her. Look, some men want what they cannot have. Now he has her, with no interference or secrecy necessary. Is it as much fun for him? Maybe, but maybe not. And it is okay to share a story, an accomplishment, a problem regarding your child with their father. If you need advice on how to handle one of the kids, you have every right to call him and converse with him on it, no matter where or who he is living with. Just do not attache any expectations to the outcome. It took my H about three weeks to grow tired of her when it was no longer an exciting, illicit affair. But he was just about done anyhow, he later told me. The harder part was convincing me I should take him back. You sound good. Keep focusing on you!
OldOnTheInside Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 (edited) I just realised that I didn't answer your initial questions. Maybe I need some sleep... As for your questions... NC is generally recommended as a way for the WS to snap out of the affair fog and attempt reconciliation. No guarantees of course but it is considered to be one of the more effective ways (by marriage counsellors, LSers ect.) to deal with the situation. It could take weeks to months to a year for them to exit the fog. Every situation is different. Took my xW (hah) about 2 months to get through it. As for the last bit, depends on the circumstances. If the WS wishes to get back together with the BS, you essentially have to stick to NC and politely rebuff them, unless you are both 100% willing to repair the marriage. I agree with Spark about dealing with the kids though. That is how I handled things with the xW at least. Edited May 2, 2011 by OldOnTheInside
Lorelei_Lane Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 I didn't go NC, but I left our home and was in a completely different state for two weeks. I found out on a Sunday night, left that same night and went and stayed at my in-laws. I was there for a couple of days, then they drove me part of the way to my parent's place. My mom met us and she took me the rest of the way. I felt like a package being handed off, but I was so wrapped up in grief, I didn't care at the time. I had our little dog (well, my dog, she came into the relationship with me) and all he had was that empty house and the OW via phone and online messaging. (She lived in another state as well). For him, and he told me this afterwards, me not being there really hit home. He would be talking to her on the phone or something and if he heard a creak or something move in the house, he said he would get all excited thinking it was me or the dog, then remember I was gone, and he would break down crying. Apparently it irritated the OW a lot. I wish I HAD gone NC, but there was something I said to him during the two weeks away on the phone that he said made him realize what the hell he was doing, so I don't regret it too much. I think NC or at least LC is the best policy for dealing with a WS. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, or if you want to be done with them, it helps with that too. I really do think though in order to gather your thoughts and feelings, you need NC for a few days at least. It helps you think more clearly without them being around.
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