Treetops1969 Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 I've been seeing my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. Despite living 300 miles away he visits often and goes out of his way to be caring and supportive and wants to take care of me. He phones/texts/emails constantly and gets jealous easily. I know he loves me passionately and I love him. He's been planning to move to my home town this summer so we can be closer. We've discussed marriage and the long term. However, Yesterday I found some texts on his phone he'd sent to his ex. I confronted him and he said she's come on to him and he'd been tempted and confused but they'd not had sex. One of the texts said how he was crazy about her and wishes he was with her and then later texts he sent to her said that he didnt love her, he loved me and that she was great but that they couldn't be together. He tells me he loves me but he was confused about his feelings for her and that he was trying to fob her off without offending her. he did admit to sexual feelings but says he knows he can trust himself. She has also been using his son as a weapon saying his son needs him and they need to get back together for his sons sake. They had a tempestuous on off relationship years ago and then no contact for 3 years where she refused to let him see his son. Now he sees his son but she will only allow it if she's present too. I feel betrayed. Never expected this as he's always been 1 million % for me. I told him he must resolve any feelings for her because I cant be with anyone that I cant trust 100%. He says I can trust him because he never cheated on me and he trusts himself but had a moment of weakness with his feelings. I've told him that its his choice but he must let his feelings for her go to be with me. But realistically I'm not sure I can ever trust him again. What do I do?
heartshaped Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 He obviously crossed the line, but I think a breech of trust like that is much easier to get over than if he had in fact acting on any of those feelings. I think the bigger problem here is it does sound like he is very confused and he has a child with this woman which means he will always have to be in contact with her to some extent. Really, I think the decision is yours, not his. You have to decide what you can handle and what you can't. If you cannot trust him again then there's no point in staying in the relationship.
Author Treetops1969 Posted May 4, 2011 Author Posted May 4, 2011 We had a talk last night and he says that I'm his girl and he's clear about his feelings. So I asked him not to see her anymore when he sees his son and if necessary take it to court so that she will allow him to see their son without her. He agreed and thought it was a good idea because he wants her out of his life too. I said that I would support him to do this because he's clear about his feelings now. Its difficult because we've all been tempted I'm sure, myself included. Its just that the long distance thing makes it harder. he gets terribly jealous as I have lots of male friends and guys trying to flirt on FB. I wonder if it was an ego thing for him?
Omei Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 (edited) We had a talk last night and he says that I'm his girl and he's clear about his feelings. So I asked him not to see her anymore when he sees his son and if necessary take it to court so that she will allow him to see their son without her. He agreed and thought it was a good idea because he wants her out of his life too. I said that I would support him to do this because he's clear about his feelings now. Its difficult because we've all been tempted I'm sure, myself included. Its just that the long distance thing makes it harder. he gets terribly jealous as I have lots of male friends and guys trying to flirt on FB. I wonder if it was an ego thing for him? I just have to say that it's unfortunate that they have a child together but they should really think about putting a negative edge onto everything as far as to going to court making it so that the parents are so split, think about that child its about the child not about making sure your trust isn't wavered or his lack of control is controlled, they can't boot each other out 100% that doesn't happen unless one of the parents voluntarily leaves completely. A child growing up can have its affects, im not saying they should be best friends or anything but they should try to maintain some form of positive relationship with each other. It's all about the child's happiness not the adults. Edited May 6, 2011 by Omei
TokyoG33kyGal Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 if you wanna have a fresh tight, IMO, you have to do something about the guys who flirts with you. you have to show him as well that you were resisting their advances like what he had done to his ex. it will appear like there's a double-standard. anyway, though there might be a moment of weakness on your bf's part it's seldom that you will encounter guys who will remain faithful to you especially if the girl was the one making advances on him. you should be glad that he told her that he loves you. for me that speaks volumes.
Author Treetops1969 Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 I just have to say that it's unfortunate that they have a child together but they should really think about putting a negative edge onto everything as far as to going to court making it so that the parents are so split, think about that child its about the child not about making sure your trust isn't wavered or his lack of control is controlled, they can't boot each other out 100% that doesn't happen unless one of the parents voluntarily leaves completely. A child growing up can have its affects, im not saying they should be best friends or anything but they should try to maintain some form of positive relationship with each other. It's all about the child's happiness not the adults. I totally agree thats why I've never stopped them him from seeing her with his son previous to this happening. I have 2 sons and I know how important it is for my boys to see that their parents have a reasonably good relationship despite being separated. I have a good relationship with my ex, the father of my kids. He wants her out of his life because she has used sex to control him consistently throughout the on off relationship and he was pleased with himself that he had resisted her this time. He says becasue he is so certain that he wants to be with me. I've always resisted other men's attempts to distract me from my relationship and its been fairly easy because i am clear of my feelings for him. Some men think you are easy game as your man is away from home! However, its true I now have a better understanding of how threatened my BF must feel by other men coming onto me.
madjac74 Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Wow! This entire thread is so discouraging! Kids being used as leverage for people to get their way or denial of sex and it being unfortunate that they have a kid together and you have to deal with their ex. You guys just reduced the most important thing in the world (kids) to a nuisance to some whiney "adults" getting their way when real parents dont expect to get their way when it comes to the well being and happiness of their children. You make sacrifices for children. If that means you end your relationship then so be it.
Author Treetops1969 Posted May 8, 2011 Author Posted May 8, 2011 I am willing to sacrifice this relationship for his child. To me the happiness of the child is more important. I've told him to stay in his home town and be nearer his child instead of coming to live with me. I've told him to get back with her if he thinks it can work because I know that I would get back with my children's father if we still had feelings for each other. He says that he has no feelings for her just a moment of weakness and confusion mainly in regard to his son and doing the right thing. He says he feels guilty for wanting to do whats in his heart because he feels he is shirking his responsibilities. I'm not clinging to him. I've told him its his choice. But it has brought up some strong feelings for me. And obviously for him.
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