Would you leave your marriage for the OM if you were a mom of 2 kids?

May 2, 2011

I am lost and need help.

I have been involved in an affair for 2 years, and the OM wants to be together with me. After much indecision (mostly on my part), he wants a decision, even saying if I wanted to do this, I could tell my husband about it NOW. I am moving soon, and if I don't go forward to be with the OM, we will likely not see each other again.

I love the OM, but I love my family, too.

I have trust issues with the OM, but who wouldn't when the relationship was borne out of an affair (he was also in a long-term relationship). He is ready to put his relationship in the past and go forward. I don't know if I am. Could I gain that trust with him in time?

The main qualities that bond me to the OM are:

1) We laugh together all the time (my husband and I laugh, too, though less so)

2) Same profession

3) He is very physically tender and loving (my husband is loving, too, though not in a physical way, more in his actions)

4) We have extremely great sexual chemistry (my husband and I have not been physical in many, many months, though admittedly, neither of us work at this aspect of our relationship)

5) The OM is much more carefree in spirit, ready to try new things, much less so than my husband, though the OM has no children to hamper these interests.

I am worried about my kids in this very much, as much as my husband, who will be a single father. Despite this affair (which I know I will be berated for), I truly am a great mom otherwise, very active in both of my children's lives, and my husband and I are very much partners on this front. I don't know if I will be regretful and feel guilty about the time I will miss with them.

Are there any moms out there who have done this and feel happy with their decision? Are their any counsellors or therapists out there who could give me some insight? If I don't move forward with the OM, I am worried I will miss him every day for the rest of my life. Am I just in an affair fog though - If I will just get over him soon, I don't know if it is worth all the heartache to ensue.

Please mix your harsh criticism with constructive criticism.

Thank you so much.

May 2, 2011

This is not a site where you get professional advice. If you need a therapist/counselor you should seek that advice from someone qualified to do so.

May 2, 2011

This is not a site where you get professional advice. If you need a therapist/counselor you should seek that advice from someone qualified to do so.

She needs serious help.

May 2, 2011

Are you considering giving your husband primary custody?

May 2, 2011

I'll bite.

Would you leave your H if OM wasn't in the picture? Is your marriage beyond repair?

Do you think that you'll be "better off" with OM? Will your kids be better off if you go with him, or if you stay with your H?

Personally, I DO think you're "in affair fog".

That's just my opinion.

As far as "what should you do"...at this point, there is no good answer. There's no path out of this that isn't going to result in massive heartbreak and emotional devestation for pretty much everyone involved.

There's no good way out...no easy way to resolve this.

Either way...the truth is coming out, no matter which way you decide to go.

One or both of these men are going to be devestated...as you will be too.

Personally, it doesn't matter to me who you choose.

But choose...and then implement your choice and do the best you can for everyone who is going to be impacted by this...your H, OM, your children, and yourself.

May 2, 2011

IMO you need to go to a MC before you make a move like this and at least get all of this out in the open. For all you know once your H finds out that you have been in a 2yr "A" he may help you on your way rather quickly. As for your kids no matter how you leave when you go it will forever change their lives. But why should that matter to you since you haven't once mentioned that you tried to solve these "R" issues with you "H" with a MC. Whatever you decide to do good luck and remember you have only one life and so do they, your family that is. They deserve to be in a caring loving relationship with people that aren't decieving them. From what you said of your "H" he doesn't sound to bad and I'm sure that your sleeping with the "OM" has a lot to do with every aspect of your precieved shortcomings in your "M". I'm just Saying...

May 2, 2011

It sounds to me like you want to have everything. I'm sorry but you sound like my xMM. Comparing the two relationships/people as if you can just pick & choose. Everyone has good & bad parts. Do you love your OM enough to change everything & really be with him, or do you value your family & the vows you made? Only you can decide. I can tell you that your OM will get fed up with your indecision & professions of 'love' & your inability to act on that. It starts to come off as cowardly & cake-eating [i am talking as an OW looking at my xMM this way after he has said very similar things to what you're saying here & never made any decision or took any action].

I don't think it's fair of you to question your OM's trustworthiness when you are doing the same exact thing & you would probably not like it if he questioned your ability to be trusted [but he probably does anyway]. Yes there is always risk & no guarantee in life or in any relationship but to me, from an xOW standpoint, it comes down to: if you love your OM then do what is best for him, either do the hard work & change to really be with him, or let him go since you can't give him what he needs. And the same with your husband-if you really value your family then let the OM go & focus on working on things w/ your husband. You have to pick one way & go with it [or maybe a third way -- be on your own] . . . only you can decide & there is no easy way. It's like the saying nothing good comes easily. I really think that's true. Good luck.

May 2, 2011

As everybody has already said, I think you seriously need to consider going to MC or IC before making a choice.

Please tell us more about your relationship with your husband.

You said both you and your husband had problems but were unwilling to work them out together? Perhaps you need to start there first.

Do you think this is an exit affair OP? Or is this OM just a "bandage" for your own marriage? If so, I would recommend removing the bandage and working on the wound itself.

Again, I would seriously emphasise counselling before rushing into things. No easy answers here.

May 2, 2011

As everybody has already said, I think you seriously need to consider going to MC or IC before making a choice.

Please tell us more about your relationship with your husband.

You said both you and your husband had problems but were unwilling to work them out together? Perhaps you need to start there first.

Do you think this is an exit affair OP? Or is this OM just a "bandage" for your own marriage? If so, I would recommend removing the bandage and working on the wound itself.

Again, I would seriously emphasise counselling before rushing into things. No easy answers here.

Good advice here.

I feel bad for your OM because it seems to me you are using him [yes I know he is allowing himself to be used but it sounds like he loves you & wants to be with you, & that you have given him indications that you feel the same, without following through]. I really think you should let him go unless you are sure you want to be with him. It is unfair otherwise to keep him on the side while you take all your time making up your mind.

I'm starting to think that if it was really love & you really wanted to be with him you would have left. [i'm saying this about my situation/maybe affairs in general, not just you personally.] Otherwise it's just a symptom of you wanting to have it all & not being decisive & in the meantime two people are hurting . . . one who 'asked for it' in a way but still deserves an answer & one who didn't ask for it & from what it sounds like doesn't even know what's going on. What a sad situation, I do hope you can get help & decide. I appreciate you sharing your viewpoint, it really does sound a lot like my xMM.

May 2, 2011

I did leave my marriage for him,with two children in tow.

I couldn't deny my feelings for my MM.I also couldn't deny

that my marriage was a HUGE part of why I had to change my life.

I didn't act on those feelings sexually, until I was separated.

I looked my H in the eye and told him I was not in love with him

anymore and that I had fallen in love with the MM.

He left.He claimed to appreciate my honesty.

Problem being,those trust issues you spoke of,came to light

when the very man who lead me on and told me he loved me

and made me think he TRULY couldn't live without me,

bailed on me the second I made myself available.

He changed his mind.HAHAHA.Joke was on me big time.

He could, it turned out,easily deny his feelings,actions and lies to me and his wife without any problems.He was simply playing a GAME with my life,mind heart and body.

I won't bore you with the horrendous details of what ensued,but needless to say,I was left holding the bag,eating MAJOR crow,answering for myself and the MM alone,being told that I wasn't loved,that I was a mistake,that he had a life and that he didn't OWE me anything.

And off he went back to his blissfully ignorant wife who to this day has no clue that he was a backstabbing SOB who didn't deserve either of us.

PROCEED WITH CAUTION is all I can say.

Some men/women only want what they can't have.

I can say one thing,I followed my heart and had the courage of my convictions and I meant what I said and felt and have no regrets about

ending my marriage.It was high time as it was abusive and sexless and very unhappy.

(I used to think staying for the kids sake was most important,then I realized all they saw was two unhappy people hurting eachother daily and I came to the conclusion,that I would rather be hated for who I was,than loved for who I wasn't and I could NOT live my life for my husbands or my kids sakes without being miserable.)

But then again,the xMM claimed the same

of his marriage.The only difference was,

he said it to hook me in for sex,and an ego boost,

not love.He simply loved me and his wife loving his lies.

Now... I realize that your guy may or not be playing games with your life,but I do have to say,make SURE that you are DONE with your marriage

first as if things don't work out,there is NO going back!

Some people start things they have no intention of following thru with.

Is that your agenda or do you mean that you love him?

You have been "cake eating" long enough....time to **** or get off the pot.

NO? At least yours seems to actually WANT you in his life.

He left his relationship for you,right?

Just remember,if they can do it WITH you they can do it TO you.

May 2, 2011

IF I was as conficted as you are then NO I would not leave.

Precisely because your children are people not toys.

Do not disrupt their life so utterly over someone you are not really sure about.

How old are they?

Why are you leaving soon?

Does your husband have a job somewhere else?

If so how would you spend time with your children if you are with the MM and they are with their father?

And, again, like PP if there was no OM in the picture would you opt to leave?

I found the book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" really really helpful in providing a step by step to where I was at in my relationships.

I think that distance would really help you. I don't think the OM is all that for you. I think that you have a sexless marriage which makes you hunger very understandably for a sexual partner.

May 2, 2011

You shouldn't listen to the naysayers here. Follow your heart. HUGS!!

May 3, 2011

I am lost and need help.

I have been involved in an affair for 2 years, and the OM wants to be together with me. After much indecision (mostly on my part), he wants a decision, even saying if I wanted to do this, I could tell my husband about it NOW. I am moving soon, and if I don't go forward to be with the OM, we will likely not see each other again.

I love the OM, but I love my family, too.

I have trust issues with the OM, but who wouldn't when the relationship was borne out of an affair (he was also in a long-term relationship). He is ready to put his relationship in the past and go forward. I don't know if I am. Could I gain that trust with him in time?

The main qualities that bond me to the OM are:

1) We laugh together all the time (my husband and I laugh, too, though less so)
2) Same profession
3) He is very physically tender and loving (my husband is loving, too, though not in a physical way, more in his actions)
4) We have extremely great sexual chemistry (my husband and I have not been physical in many, many months, though admittedly, neither of us work at this aspect of our relationship)
5) The OM is much more carefree in spirit, ready to try new things, much less so than my husband, though the OM has no children to hamper these interests.

I am worried about my kids in this very much, as much as my husband, who will be a single father. Despite this affair (which I know I will be berated for), I truly am a great mom otherwise, very active in both of my children's lives, and my husband and I are very much partners on this front. I don't know if I will be regretful and feel guilty about the time I will miss with them.

Are there any moms out there who have done this and feel happy with their decision? Are their any counsellors or therapists out there who could give me some insight? If I don't move forward with the OM, I am worried I will miss him every day for the rest of my life. Am I just in an affair fog though - If I will just get over him soon, I don't know if it is worth all the heartache to ensue.

Please mix your harsh criticism with constructive criticism.

Thank you so much.

Speaking as a BS...I would never want to be anyone's default choice because he was too scared to leave. And I told him that. That was probably my greatest fear and the biggest reason I did not confront him for the 6 months I knew of the affair. If he stayed, I wanted him to stay because he truly wanted to be with me.

You need to get some counciling and get it fast since you are moving soon. But you also have to keep in mind, your AP has an advantage over your H in this....your AP knows what's going on, he can influence you, he can play you, your H hasn't a clue what's going on. Your AP knows more about your marriage to your H then your H!

You can not work on your marriage while in the affair. So you must decide, stay or go. If you stay, your have to drop AP. And then make sure your H knows that you want to regain some lost passion. I'm not one of those who scream tell tell tell no matter what. Just do do do. If you stay, change, be passionate about the man you married.

One thing to consider.....Idealy, would you rather have your marriage passionate again and both of you engaged in each other like you were at the start of your marriage.....or would you rather have a cordial divorce and be with AP? Think about it long and hard. And you will be following your heart.

Good luck to you.

May 3, 2011

This is your third post in under 2 months about your situation. One was in infidelity, which was quite long with responses, and another one from last week in this forum.

Not sure how much more advice you want.

I think your behavior is selfish and self serving. You state your kids are young, so where are they when you are off sleeping with this guy? Where are they when you are laughing and joking and all that?

Only you can decide if you should make the change. The only thing I know you should do is let your H know what you have been doing. He deserves way better than the treatment you have been giving him. He deserves a loyal, loving, honest, caring wife.

Also, if you expect the OM to jump at being daddy to your 2 kids, think again. Your 2 kids HAVE a father; and it sounds like he is a good dad. They don't need another dad.

I also thought it was kinda hypocritical of you to question HIS trusthworthiness. Um... you haven't really shown that you are trustworthy.

I completely agree with the below response...

IMO you need to go to a MC before you make a move like this and at least get all of this out in the open. For all you know once your H finds out that you have been in a 2yr "A" he may help you on your way rather quickly. As for your kids no matter how you leave when you go it will forever change their lives. But why should that matter to you since you haven't once mentioned that you tried to solve these "R" issues with you "H" with a MC. Whatever you decide to do good luck and remember you have only one life and so do they, your family that is. They deserve to be in a caring loving relationship with people that aren't decieving them. From what you said of your "H" he doesn't sound to bad and I'm sure that your sleeping with the "OM" has a lot to do with every aspect of your precieved shortcomings in your "M". I'm just Saying...

ETA: to Answer your question...would I leave my marriage for an OM if I were the mom of 2 kids....MY answer is no. I would leave my marriage if I was unhappy, abused, etc. I wouldn't have HAD an affair to begin with because no matter how UNHAPPY I might have been, I wouldn't have cheated. I would have divorced.

Edited May 3, 2011 by fooled once

May 3, 2011

I really appreciate everyone's advice, truly I do. Many of your words rang very true with me.

I think I am an incredibly indecisive person. I tend to see the good and bad in everything. Hence, my indecisiveness about the situation. I really do love the OM and really have not known what to do. I believe if I was married with no kids, I would go forward with a divorce.

My husband is a very good person, very loyal and of a true moral character. He is somewhat addicted to his work, to the point where he was on his computer all the time for a while (his work requires a computer). That is when my affair initially began. Since then, in the past few months, he has realized I think our relationship was in a bit of trouble. He has made much more of an effort to be attentive toward me, and we've been watching TV together, talking together more so than before. We have been much happier in the past 3-4 months than in the past 3-4 years. That made me feel more distant from the OM, but I still love the OM. My H and I have a poor sexual life, and that at this point is probably mostly my fault, given that it is difficult for me to be physical with 2 people.

Now, the OM. He has been somewhat hot and cold since the beginning of our relationship. He attributes much of that now to the fact that I'm married (feeling jealous, not wanting to feel "stupid" about being together with someone who is married). There were times when our relationship was perfect, and others where I felt he was very difficult. He also maintained a sexual relationship with his girlfriend, which was very difficult, as I had stopped this aspect of things with my H. In the past 4-5 months, the OM has shown a different commitment to me - sometimes I think this is because he knows I will be moving soon and he does not want to lose me. Otherwise, maybe nothing would have changed, but who knows.

There were times I felt the OM wasn't kind to me (again, he states it was because of my married status). There have been some other things that have bothered me. I felt like he didn't try to get to know who my friends were at all for a long time, and only when he was trying to "win me over", did he try. He also sent a couple of suggestive texts to an ex-girlfriend (I saw these), nothing overt, but mentioning places and instances from their past. He says he was truly joking, and it meant nothing. I guess I believe him. Again, the problem is that the last few months, he has behaved like a true gentleman and really tried to commit to me. It is confusing me and clouding my view.

So I would like to believe in the relationship with the OM, but I do feel he is not as solid as a person as my husband. I agree with all of you who said I need to make a choice and stick with it. I 100% agree. It is time to end this charade one way or the other.

I also sometimes wish I could see into a crystal ball, into how my kids would actually handle this. This is what bothers me most of all. They are young, but not baby young. If this is something that the kids might handle alright, I would consider it, but if it is something that will cause them a great deal of emotional distress, I will end the relationship with the OM now. I have read many things where it says if it is done the right way, the kids will be ok. I don't know if that's true.

I also agree with everyone who has said how selfish I have been. I am truly trying to make a change. I could go on and on, but I'll just stop now. I think I want to make a choice I won't regret, but maybe what I'm realizing is that I'll have regrets either way, and I'm going to have to just suck it up and decide regardless.

Thank you again for all your insights, would be happy to hear more if you'd like.

May 3, 2011

I really appreciate everyone's advice, truly I do. Many of your words rang very true with me.

I think I am an incredibly indecisive person. I tend to see the good and bad in everything. Hence, my indecisiveness about the situation. I really do love the OM and really have not known what to do. I believe if I was married with no kids, I would go forward with a divorce.

My husband is a very good person, very loyal and of a true moral character. He is somewhat addicted to his work, to the point where he was on his computer all the time for a while (his work requires a computer). That is when my affair initially began. Since then, in the past few months, he has realized I think our relationship was in a bit of trouble. He has made much more of an effort to be attentive toward me, and we've been watching TV together, talking together more so than before. We have been much happier in the past 3-4 months than in the past 3-4 years. That made me feel more distant from the OM, but I still love the OM. My H and I have a poor sexual life, and that at this point is probably mostly my fault, given that it is difficult for me to be physical with 2 people.

Now, the OM. He has been somewhat hot and cold since the beginning of our relationship. He attributes much of that now to the fact that I'm married (feeling jealous, not wanting to feel "stupid" about being together with someone who is married). There were times when our relationship was perfect, and others where I felt he was very difficult. He also maintained a sexual relationship with his girlfriend, which was very difficult, as I had stopped this aspect of things with my H. In the past 4-5 months, the OM has shown a different commitment to me - sometimes I think this is because he knows I will be moving soon and he does not want to lose me. Otherwise, maybe nothing would have changed, but who knows.

There were times I felt the OM wasn't kind to me (again, he states it was because of my married status). There have been some other things that have bothered me. I felt like he didn't try to get to know who my friends were at all for a long time, and only when he was trying to "win me over", did he try. He also sent a couple of suggestive texts to an ex-girlfriend (I saw these), nothing overt, but mentioning places and instances from their past. He says he was truly joking, and it meant nothing. I guess I believe him. Again, the problem is that the last few months, he has behaved like a true gentleman and really tried to commit to me. It is confusing me and clouding my view.

So I would like to believe in the relationship with the OM, but I do feel he is not as solid as a person as my husband. I agree with all of you who said I need to make a choice and stick with it. I 100% agree. It is time to end this charade one way or the other.

I also sometimes wish I could see into a crystal ball, into how my kids would actually handle this. This is what bothers me most of all. They are young, but not baby young. If this is something that the kids might handle alright, I would consider it, but if it is something that will cause them a great deal of emotional distress, I will end the relationship with the OM now. I have read many things where it says if it is done the right way, the kids will be ok. I don't know if that's true.

I also agree with everyone who has said how selfish I have been. I am truly trying to make a change. I could go on and on, but I'll just stop now. I think I want to make a choice I won't regret, but maybe what I'm realizing is that I'll have regrets either way, and I'm going to have to just suck it up and decide regardless.

Thank you again for all your insights, would be happy to hear more if you'd like.

Whatever is said here, in the end you will do what you want. I honestly believe if you cared about your children's emotional stability you wouldn't be in this situation. With that said, no of us is capable of seeing the future (wish I could have seen that freight train coming before it smashed into my life...oh well.) I watched my kids suffer. I know the plans Mr. Messy and OW had for blending their kids as "one big happy family" and I for one can tell you....that wasn't going to happen.

Our kids don't come with manuals and we all make pretty hacked upped decisions in parenting...but this one is one that can be avoided....start reading and don't stop here and other sites.

May 3, 2011

You shouldn't listen to the naysayers here. Follow your heart. HUGS!!

Yea okay. Follow your sexual urges. Screw who ya hurt.

May 3, 2011

Originally Posted by daisy love
You shouldn't listen to the naysayers here. Follow your heart. HUGS!!

Just shows your immaturity and your age. You don't have a clue, you don't give advice except "go for it" and it's all based on lust and affairyland feelings.

This woman is conflicted! She needs help, counselling and lots of input to help sort this out. How is just telling her to follow her heart going to help when she has kids to think of? This isn't just about her. Daisy you are not a mom so you don't have to think of the short and long term effects of the kids and how they are affected by this.

May 3, 2011

I don't know, I think follow your heart is good advice. But what Daisy doesn't understand the OP has feelings for her husband still, strong feelings or she wouldn't be so conflicted, kids or not. And then there is the feelings in her heart for her kids, and wanting to do what's right by then. What it takes is sorting out what is best.

Part of the kids problem is divorce when affairs happen tend to be very ugly situations. And ugly divorces are never good for children. If OM wasn't around, would you be considering leaving your husband? Or would you instead be more interested in exploring your husband's renewed interest now that he's realized maybe he's not giving you the attention you need.

Your OM is a game player. He's trying to make you jealous, insecure about him...Its not cute, and to me its red flags.

Staying for kids isn't always best....if you were truly unhappy, it really wouldn't be for the best....But leaving for an affair partner tends to make for really ugly divorces. Really ugly.

May 3, 2011

Take 6 months of NC. Focus on therapy with your husband. Love fog should pass by then. You don't even know you're in it right now, I promise you. You won't recognize it as love fog until you pull out of it.

I was a BS back in 2001. My husband was in love fog with OW big time. He even asked me for a divorce because we had suddenly, inexplicably "grown apart" -- in a matter of a few weeks! A month later, he confessed to the affair. I showed him the door. Twenty four hours later, he threw OW under the bus. He's been in Sex Addicts Anonymous ever since. He talks to newcomers all the time about "love fog." It's typical for affairs.

Don't risk everything -- your husband, your babies -- over this. Divorce isn't as easy as it appears, and the wounds never go away for those left behind. So make sure this is real. You owe yourself & your family that much: NC, counseling, 6 months minimum. If MM loves you, he will respect that. If you still want a divorce after that, divorce. Be alone for a year after. Then get into a committed relationship with MM. If MM really loves you, he will wait 18 months or so. True love never dies. It certainly doesn't die in just 18 months. Not true love, anyway.

May 3, 2011

Take 6 months of NC. Focus on therapy with your husband. Love fog should pass by then. You don't even know you're in it right now, I promise you. You won't recognize it as love fog until you pull out of it.

I was a BS back in 2001. My husband was in love fog with OW big time. He even asked me for a divorce because we had suddenly, inexplicably "grown apart" -- in a matter of a few weeks! A month later, he confessed to the affair. I showed him the door. Twenty four hours later, he threw OW under the bus. He's been in Sex Addicts Anonymous ever since. He talks to newcomers all the time about "love fog." It's typical for affairs.

Don't risk everything -- your husband, your babies -- over this. Divorce isn't as easy as it appears, and the wounds never go away for those left behind. So make sure this is real. You owe yourself & your family that much: NC, counseling, 6 months minimum. If MM loves you, he will respect that. If you still want a divorce after that, divorce. Be alone for a year after. Then get into a committed relationship with MM. If MM really loves you, he will wait 18 months or so. True love never dies. It certainly doesn't die in just 18 months. Not true love, anyway.

I do believe that true love does not die, but I don't think anyone should put their lives on hold while the other one figures it out if they want them or not. It's unfair and life is now...

May 3, 2011

I do believe that true love does not die, but I don't think anyone should put their lives on hold while the other one figures it out if they want them or not. It's unfair and life is now...

Much like BS who don't have a clue while the WS and AP get their ducks in a row (the managed exit concept), the BS life is on hold while they are living a lie. While one's life is on hold the other is "figuring" out....completely unfair.

May 3, 2011

Much like BS who don't have a clue while the WS and AP get their ducks in a row (the managed exit concept), the BS life is on hold while they are living a lie. While one's life is on hold the other is "figuring" out....completely unfair.

Are you surprised by all the double standards on LS?

To OP, I'm not going to force my opinion down your throat but before you make your choice I suggest that you step back, detach yourself emotionally from the situation, and consider the potential logical outcomes to whatever choice you make. Think with your head, and not your heart. Don't let your hormones make such an important decision.

Read your second post OP. What have you said about your husband? What have you said about your OM?

May 3, 2011

I am lost and need help.

I have been involved in an affair for 2 years, and the OM wants to be together with me. After much indecision (mostly on my part), he wants a decision, even saying if I wanted to do this, I could tell my husband about it NOW. I am moving soon, and if I don't go forward to be with the OM, we will likely not see each other again.

I love the OM, but I love my family, too.

I have trust issues with the OM, but who wouldn't when the relationship was borne out of an affair (he was also in a long-term relationship). He is ready to put his relationship in the past and go forward. I don't know if I am. Could I gain that trust with him in time?

The main qualities that bond me to the OM are:

1) We laugh together all the time (my husband and I laugh, too, though less so)
2) Same profession
3) He is very physically tender and loving (my husband is loving, too, though not in a physical way, more in his actions)
4) We have extremely great sexual chemistry (my husband and I have not been physical in many, many months, though admittedly, neither of us work at this aspect of our relationship)
5) The OM is much more carefree in spirit, ready to try new things, much less so than my husband, though the OM has no children to hamper these interests.

I am worried about my kids in this very much, as much as my husband, who will be a single father. Despite this affair (which I know I will be berated for), I truly am a great mom otherwise, very active in both of my children's lives, and my husband and I are very much partners on this front. I don't know if I will be regretful and feel guilty about the time I will miss with them.

Are there any moms out there who have done this and feel happy with their decision? Are their any counsellors or therapists out there who could give me some insight? If I don't move forward with the OM, I am worried I will miss him every day for the rest of my life. Am I just in an affair fog though - If I will just get over him soon, I don't know if it is worth all the heartache to ensue.

Please mix your harsh criticism with constructive criticism.

Thank you so much.

I do believe you are happy in your marriage, things were good but unfortunately you let another man close to you and fell for him so whatever love and intimacy you had for your H is now being focussed and put on the OM.

Here's a senario, think long and hard about this!

So, you leave your H, divorce him. Go to OM. The love is there, you and OM really do care for one another.. But, as time goes on, you get to know the OM better and he gets to know you better. Your lives don't gel as much as you thought it would beacuse during the A you two were more or less perfect in everyway (affair-land!) and everything was great! But, now together, as a couple, you see things in him you don't like and he some of his characterisics aren't as strong as your H's. You're used to the dynamic with your H day in and day out ,so now having the OM as your partner, you see things that are missing that you had with your H and you want that, you need that, and realize the OM isn't your H... You realize "what I have done?" Busted up my family unit for someone that I fell for but really didn't know as well as I thought I did.. Plus, the kids have had a hard time adjusting, the blended family thing is alot harder than I thought it would be, the OM is distant and doesn't relate to my children like I thought he would...

Just something to please think about. THIS IS NOT JUST ABOUT YOU!

How can you end a marriage that really isn't over, bury your feelings for your H and walk into the arms of another man and start a new life with him if you're THIS INDECESIVE???????????

GET counselling to figure this out! DO NOT just jump out on a whim and "go for it, and follow your heart." If you were single, fine, but you have kids to consider and this isn't ALL about you.

Also with such a life changing decision, sure it's great to get feedback on an internet forum but do not make a choice by what everyone here says. You need counselling and you need to tell your H the truth so HE can decide what he wants to do. Even if you choose him, he's in the dark that you were considering leaving him and busting up your family to be with another man.

May 3, 2011

My Dad had an affair and asked my mom to leave. My mom knew she was in an unhappy marriage and took the opportunity to leave. Somewhat later she would tell me she never felt that she was supposed to be a mom and wasn't good at it. She did tell me all the time how wonderful it was that she left because the guy she met in the city was great, they had tons of fun together, he made her feel alive, her life didn't "begin" until she left my dad (and remember, left us kids with him) etc. and so on.

My stepfather did leave his wife and kids for my mother. So, you know, happy happies all around in my family background. (just kidding ...)

All I can tell you is that from what I can see, my mom and stepdad had a good turn together for 30 years. They would see us kids on both sides when it was convenient for them. For the most part, they lived life as a couple without kids.

They are old and sick these days, still living in their big city apartment, and six out of 7 of us have nothing to do with them for the most part. Like they learned to live without us, we mostly learned to live without them. So at this point when they are squawking about how hard it is not to have their children holding their hands, to almost a one of us we're mostly like "eh". The one that does see them from time to time, his youngest, complains about it to the rest of us but does check in with them about every 3 months to have dinner or something and I think it's because they get a check when they do so.

PS forgot to add that although we were relatively friendly with my stepdad, his children hated my mom, and my mom hated them. It was a sore spot they never got over, particularly since my stepdad solved the problem by picking my mom. Well, it worked out for him in that he's still got her there. But mostly only her.

Edited May 3, 2011 by Baroness67
add information

Sign In

Would you leave your marriage for the OM if you were a mom of 2 kids?

Recommended Posts

puzzlepiece

bentnotbroken

John Michael Kane

IfWishesWereHorses

Owl

ver13

26pointblue

OldOnTheInside

26pointblue

Heart On

Holding-On

daisy love

crazycatlady

fooled once

puzzlepiece

bentnotbroken

John Michael Kane

whichwayisup

crazycatlady

Breezy Trousers

siuys

bentnotbroken

OldOnTheInside

whichwayisup

Baroness67

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...